Self Mutilating and Bipolar

The shinny metal of the blade as it slices through my arm, pulling it back with beads of red dripping from the once unused razor blade. Pain, out of my head and now on my arm. Agony that was once in my mind has been transferred to some part of my body. At that point I don't know if I'm in heaven or if it's hell, but where ever I am it feels so damn good.

That's how I felt  for the longest time when it came to cutting myself. I thought I was in heaven. I could zone out for hours on end, blood running down my arms and not have a care in the world that my son was sitting across the room from me. I went on like that for years and years. I thought just because I was hurting inside, that I had to hurt on the outside. I thought just because my mind was in hell so should the rest of me be.

It didn't take someone else hurting me for me to cut, it simply took me hurting me to self mutilate and to this day that's all I need is that little voice inside of me saying, "do it" and I cut. I used to think it had to do with everyone else. Then I began to realize it was just a way for me to hide the mental pain I was having at the time and focus it elsewhere. Other things I do to self harm (besides mentally of course); tattoos, chewing the skin around my fingers till it bleeds, pulling chunks of my toe or finger nails off, digging sores till they don't heal or till they continuously bleed, and pulling my hair. There are a few other ways, but I think these are the easiest to do and hide as everyone associates them with "nervous habits". Little do they know. LOL

I still self mutilate, just not as bad as I used to. I previously cut my arms 50-100 times a day, every few days. I would mutilate myself like I would a piece of meat at work. No that doesn't make self mutilating right, but it doesn't take as much as it used to, to want to self mutilate and for that I am thankful. I have however started again after a stopping period of 3 years. Now I cut on my belly. I do that because no matter how much weight I lose I still feel fat. Like now, due to surgery in 2007 my belly didn't heal right so I have a pregnant look about me. I want to cut it right off. I dream about needing to go to the hospital because I have tried cutting off this hump. I hate myself for it.

Who do I blame for all of this? Bipolar! It's a mean selfish pig! Bipolar takes what it wants, when it wants and doesn't worry about the choices it makes. Before I was diagnosed, I wouldn't have even have thought like this, now would I have even cut. I had other ways to hide my pain and suffering; drugs and alcohol were my pain away from pain. 

Enough for tonight.

Ok, on to my "grateful" things....

1) I am grateful for the fact I spent the day without needing to sleep.

2) I'm grateful for my sister for sending me pictures of my Sweet Pea.

3) I'm grateful for finding the strength to clean my mom's basement.

4) I'm grateful for finding the Facing Us website.

5) I'm grateful for getting to play card tonight with my mom.

and one more tonight

6) I'm grateful that Grammy got out of the hospital and into a rehab center.

Mood Disorders and Creativity

Mood Disorders and Creativity

“Tapping creativity when you have a mood disorder is like trying to quench your thirst… Sometimes magic gushes forth and threatens to overflow; other times it drips and trickles— or doesn’t flow at all... Many of us believe these experiences occur more frequently and more intensely for those of us with mood disorders.”

— Lana Castle, author of Finding Your Bipolar Muse

Proud of my Son

Normally when Keith calls me he wants something. It is the same if I call him as well. Tonight that wasn't the case. I called him figuring he would be at work and he was, so I left my normally "call me" message. At midnight, like a good boy he promptly returned my call. He sounded so matured, more then he ever has. He spoke to me for the first time in his life like an adult; no bitching, complaining, or wanting anything. He asked how I was doing, as well as my mom, and grandma. I was shocked.

Never before had I heard my son speak to me with the tone that he did of a fine young man. For the very first time he didn't ask for money, didn't ask if I was getting him anything for Christmas, he just wanted to know how I was doing. Again, I was in total shock. Then he asked something I had never heard him ask before, "Mom, how are you doing".

He is 20, I know he has no idea what I am going through right now, but there are times I under estimate him and tonight was one of those nights. My baby boy finally is beinginng to show me he is growing up. He then proceeded to ask me what I was doing for Christmas and what I wanted. That broke my heart!

I had to tell him I had no money to do anything. I couldn't come see him, I couldn't send him any thing, nor could I even afford to mail him out a Christmas card. It's been a 13 months since I have seen my baby. He lives in Ohio and I have lived all up and down the Eastern Seaboard, but I couldn't once find the strength to go West to Ohio to see him. Shame on me!

Needless to say, I've spent the last 20 minutes cutting on myself due to how much I "hate me" at this moment!

My son has always meant the world to me and for the last few years I haven't shown him nor have I shown myself. I haven't negelected him in anyway, except to take his mother away from him and that in it's own right, is wrong of me. Why do I do this to myself and him? He deserves a better mother then me damn it! He is at an age where he needs his mother more then he knows and I'm not even able to offer him the support he needs; to wrap my arms around him when he is hurt, to wipe away a tear when it falls, to put something warm in his tummy when it growls. Why can't I find the strength to be that person he needs!

Right now I have no one to blame but me. I want to be there with him as he is showing me so much potential. He has been just as lost as I am and now he is reaching out to me in ways I never knew he could. I so wanted to wrap my arms around him tonight. He didn't act it or show it, but he needed his momma and she is 500 miles away from her baby. I love you son and I am so sorry to have let you down this Christmas and many others past.

You mean the world to me and I need you just as much as you need me. I'm sorry I have been such a big disappointment in your life and I hope to spend the next 50 years making it up to you.

My wish for you this Christmas is for you to keep growing and moving forward, follow your head and your heart and you will find happiness. Don't let life break you down, instead, break life down. You have many gifts and things to show the world and I know you will! Keep up the great work, your headed in the right direction son! I love you Keith more then you could ever know or come to realize. I'm proud of you!

Bipolar Medicine

The whole reason I stopped taking my medicine years ago was the effect it has on me. The dopey, can't do shit type of reactions. Well yesterday my Psych Doctor put me on Saphris and boy does it knock you the fuck out! I haven't been able to function and it's driving me nuts. Take a pill, sleep, take a pill, sleep. I even wake up feeling drugged up. Sure its only been 2 days, but I do not like this feeling one bit. One thing I will say about it is that my head seems a tiny bit less foggy and the day seems brighter. I just have to get over the drugged feeling and the need to sleep. Maybe then everything, including the medicine will work out alright for me.

Two days ago my grandma feel and broke her pelvic bone, she is now in the hospital. At 84 I can understand her being a bitch, but she is taking it too far this time. My mom finally broke down and said "Mom, your acting like Madge,". My was grandma's mom and she is the one we all refer to because she became a beast a few years before she passed away. That shut grandma right the fuck up. So due to her being a she-devil the hospital has decided they want nothing more to do with her and they are shipping her off to rehab. LOL. I find that amusing as bad as she wanted to be admitted. The women in my family live a mighty long time, is this what I have to look forward to when mom gets that age? LOL. If so I'm moving to another country.

Now, on to my Grateful list.

1) I am grateful for being alive this morning.

2) I am grateful for the stone I carry in my pocket to say different "graditudes" during the day.

3) I'm grateful to have a very dear friend who helps me get through all my Psych appointments each day.

4) I'm grateful for the cool weather.

5) I'm grateful for getting to watch the squirrels tease the cat that will never catch them. LOL

I'll write more later. I have a lot to say, I'm just afraid at times to speak my mind even though I know no one will read these or dispute what I say. LOL

Grateful Things

Yes I know I haven't been posting regularly like I said I would. However I do have a good excuse. LOL. My grandmother fell and broke her pelvis. She is 84 years old so we all know this going to be fun!

Anyway since I have to run to the Psych Doctors right now, I'll keep this short till later as I do have much to say today.

1) I am grateful for the fact that I was able to wake up another day and get out of bed.

2) I am grateful for friends who are caring and supportive even if I have never met them in person.

3) I am grateful for the new life born into our family last night to my Cousin.

4) I am grateful that I am able to get in my truck and drive when I need a break.

5) I am grateful for the person who adds the money to my foodstamp card so that I am able to eat another day. LOL

I think those are pretty awesome ones today if I do say so. Of course I might have more later after I go see the Psych Doctor, but only time will tell. LOL

Letting Go

I learned today something about myself which I never thought to be true. That I quit and gave up! Now hear me out before you say anything. Before I could move forward I had to give up on myself in order for me to see the real problem and take the steps to move for to begin again. It feels like shit, but yet it feels so fucking great!

I've hated myself for years and years, I've walked away from one good thing after another, only to be let down by myself. This past summer I chose to break that cycle and move forward with my life. Sure I'm not yet in with a counselor, but I do have a group to benefit from and in 2 days I will be on the medication I need to help try and clear my mind and push forward.

You see I've always been a fighter. The fact I'm still alive proves that. However for once in my life I have had to lay down my guns and let things run their course without my will power and I am doing that now. I had to admit to myself that I have a problem, no matter how much I hated doing it. I had to admit that the great and almighty Lori needed help. Help that is coming in funny ways, but I'm doing it on my own. I had to stop and see that I needed help no matter what my mind thought. I had to be jobless, homeless, foodless, senseless, (this could keep going), I had to sink to the lowest point in my life to see I needed help. Yes, even if it meant coming home to my mom to prove it. God love her for the shit she puts up from me.

A very wonderful, awesome THANK YOU goes out to my mom and my dear friend Larry. They have both stood by me when neither had a reason to! I love you both.

Wishes and Dreams

We all spend time wishing, dreaming, and setting goals. But how many of us put ourselves out there to accomplish any of them? I know for a fact I am one who will set them, start them, but never follow through with them. Sometimes I ask myself why do I do this; it's not because I'm lazy, it's not because I'm not a focused person, it's not because I choose not to. I comes down to the simple fact that I don't have faith in myself. I don't have the faith to move forward as I want these. I don't have the faith to become the person I so choose to be.

I focus mainly on the "what if's" , the "how's" , and the "why's". I argue with myself about if something will work or not. With my Bipolar it is hard for me to stay focused on one thing only. My Bipolar also doesn't allow me to push forward unless I'm in my manic state, then I push forward the wrong way and do bad things most of the time. I hate it! I hate that I can't find a way to control the urges that I have to not do something.

In my DBT group we are supposed to think in the "NOW" and learn to think things through before we do them. I have yet to find that path. I have yet to find the strength to move forward with it as my brain is set in a fog all the time. But I will. I will find the strength to move forward. I will find the desire to clear the fog in my head. I will find the desire to get the dreams, goals, and wishings accomplished. I have to.

I'm at a point where if I don't something, I will crack! I will self mutilate till I can't stop and this time I know I won't be able to stop. So far, I have fought it and will keep fighting it till there is no fight left or I defeat the urges. I have to!

My 5 things that I am greateful for today are:

1) The will to write in this blog and let others read it.
2) The strength to get through another day.
3) The strength to not self mutilate.
4) My friends and family. Those close by as well as those far away or strictkly online.
5) The dog down the street for making me laugh this morning.

Pretty good don't you think? LOL. I wish all my lists could be that easy to come through.

I live with my mom but have no job yet. There for the only cash flow I have coming in is when I find the odd job as my wreaths are no longer selling and my ebay account has been shut down due to lack of funds for me to pay their fees. There for I pine for the simple things such as Laundry Deteregent, Tampons, Toothpaste, Deodarant, and so on. I don't dare ask my family for things like this due to the fear I will lose the roof over my head because they can't afford them for themselves. Thankfully I get foodstamps to help keep the hunger off of my stomach.

Till another day......

Things I'm Greatful For

These are things that I am great full for today. I am going to try a new approach to making sure my self healing is complete. While most of my posts will still be negative more then likely, I have vowed to start fresh and move myself forward. I WILL find my sanity again!

1) My dear friends and the ones I make on a daily basis. Without them I think I would lose my sanity.
2) The ability to wake up and enjoy each new day as best as I can.
3) My Bipolar. Without it I think my life would be dull.
4) My son. While he maybe like me more and more each day, he isn't struggling to find the goodness in himself.
5) My ability to change things if I so desire.

I think 5 a day is a good start!