Yes Virginia, there is a Santa.

I didn't think I was going to have a Christmas, matter of fact, I could have cared less if we even had one. Normally I put up all my Christmas decorations the day after Thanksgiving, this year I didn't. Hell, I don't even have my Christmas decorations here. LOL. Most are at my ex-husband's house and the rest are in Georgia where I know they are in good hands, so I couldn't have put them up even if I wanted to.

Well I was sitting around today and was thinking about Christmas and how I couldn't buy or even make people anything, I couldn't send my son anything and was getting severely depressed. The more I thought about it the madder and depressed I got.

The Original Christmas Classics (Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer/Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town/Frosty the Snowman/Frosty Returns/Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol/Little Drummer Boy/Cricket on the Hearth)

Then I remembered what Christmas is really all about. So I pulled mom off the computer, told her what I wanted to do and we started going through the house finding all her Christmas decorations. Since my mom isn't a decorating person, this was a hard task. LOL. Then I had an even bigger idea: we couldn't afford a tree this year due to her financial problems and me not having money period, so I went out in her from yard and cut down one of her fir trees (she lives in the city so you can imagine what her neighbors thought, but we didn't care) with a circular saw my step dad probably has never used. LOL. We took two boards, criss-crossed them, then nailed them into the bottom of the tree, viola, our own Charlie Brown tree was up, just needed decorations. So again I went off hunting for them, finally found some in one closet and the rest under her clothes in her bedroom closet.

A Charlie Brown Christmas (Remastered Deluxe Edition)

But Christmas isn't about trees, decorations, cooking mass meals, and giving gifts. It's about miracles, giving, and celebration. I had forgotten that. I am used to being the one that made sure everyone was taken care of, but Lori. Hell until last Christmas I hadn't even seen a gift for myself in over 10 years, so it's not about "what about me", to me it was, "what can I do for everyone else". Then my thinking started to change, in big ways. I've started looking for the positive in things, to see that things do happen for a reason.

Miracles, do happen, yes even to me. For this is so amazing to me.

Not only did I get into the Christmas spirit, the heat on my truck got fixed and for pennies, I am finally getting the help I need for my Bipolar Disorder, my grandma is getting better by the day, I haven't cut in 8 days, my son is actually being a son, all my friends are in good health and happy, and I am on the right path to recover.

These are the greatest gifts I could ask for this Holiday Season. Thank You Santa!

1) I am grateful that things have their own way of working out for the best.

2) I am grateful for the Christmas Tree we got today and all the decorations we put up.

3) I am grateful for my totally awesome friends! All 2 of you know who you are. LOL

4) I am grateful to the cat who hide under my truck because he is afraid of the bully indoor cat, he makes me   smile.

5) I am grateful for the fact that I am starting a path of recovery I could have only imagined.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and I hope you find your own Christmas Miracle. I wish you and all your family a super terrific Holiday Season and an even more spectacular 2010. 

It's a Wonderful Life (60th Anniversary Edition)

EEK, My Sanity will go Nuts!

My club pogo membership expired, that means I have to find some where else to play all the "mind occupying" games to keep me entertained when I get in to self mutilating mode. As if life couldn't get any worse!

LOL



A Bright Red Scream: Self-Mutilation and the Language of Pain

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire....

**Note** This is one of those "may hurt family or friends" blog


Tonight I have done a lot of soul searching; searching for answers I know I won't be able to completely explain. So here goes a start since I did say I wanted to come clean about everything.

72 Hour Hold Great book for caregivers and those suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder.

I am a LIAR. I have lied to get jobs, lied to keep jobs, lied to get a man, lied to keep that man, lied to cover up lies, lied to move forward in life, lied to make money, lied to spend money, lied to my family to look good in their eyes, lied to my family to look bad in their eyes, I lie to get people to feel sorry for me. Fuck! I even lie to myself You name it, hell I have probably lied about it. .

Things start going great in my life, I didn't have to lie to get to that point, then for whatever known reason I start self destructing; cheating, spending money like crazy. For whatever reason when things start going great and couldn't be any better, down the hill I start to go. I go into the cocoon I have so perfected. Oh trust me, I've been called on many of the lies I've told and guess what, yep I lied my way out of them. There is no fucking reason for any of this!

Why do I have to be so hard on myself that I have to destroy everything in my path? Friends tell me how great I am to them and everyone else. How in the hell am I good if I can lie to them? What matters more; the fact I've lied to many or the fact I can lie to myself? I mean come on!

If you haven't figured it out, I am fucking mad as hell right now. Let me tell you why; as I'm sitting here writing this, I can feel a weight lifting off my body. It feels like a drug is running through me with all this coming out into the open. I'm not proud of myself for opening up nor for what I have done, but I do feel elated. I don't expect my friends and family to forgive me just because I got this out in the open, thats not what I'm trying to do here. By doing this, I am trying to move forward with my own healing. I am helping the Doctor and the Therapist along by doing a lot of my own healing.

At different times, I have confessed  to a few people but then I had no choice as I got busted doing bad things and couldn't cover them up. You know who you are and no I have nothing new to tell you. LOL. Those who don't know me and are getting to know me, you have nothing to worry about, as of last May I have been on a path of truths. Meaning I refuse to allow lieing to get the best of me, so I start each relationship on good terms.

My grateful things:

1) Catching my first snowflake of the year on my tongue today.
2) Very grateful for the heat in my truck when it dropped under 30 degrees tonight.
3) Thankful for the ability to go to group day.
4) Grateful for the ability to open up like I have tonight.
5) Grateful to my school for trying to help me make sure I have everything done before the first day of class.

Word Association Games

The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide: What You and Your Family Need to Know

Pain: Me
Sad: Me
Fat: Me
Stupid: Me
Worthless: Me
Ugly: Me
Mad: Me
Unreasonable: Me
Violent: Me
Harming: Me
Uncontrolling: Me
Loathing: Me
Liar: Me

These are all words that could be used to describe me. Oh there are plenty more bad words that could be used, but I can't think straight enough to dig them out of my vocabulary right now. I refuse from this point on to be those words. Well actualy I refused to be those words a long time ago, it just never took effect.

Now words that associate with "Me" will be.

Happy: Me
Living: Me
Jubilant: Me
Enlightening: Me
Joyful: Me
Exhilarating: Me
Controlling: Me
Worthy: Me
Non-Judgmental: Me
Smiling: Me
Living: Me
Caring: Me
Thoughtful: Me

Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder

And again, this list could keep going on and on, but I'll stop it here as I have to run off to DBT Group.

Till Later.....

Sidetracked

I am sitting here drinking a cup of Spiced Gingerbread Decaffinated Tea and all I want to do is write. Wait a minute, did I just say decaffinated? Holy Hell, no wonder I can't function in the damn morning. LOL. No in all actualaulity I am a morning person. I'm just not functioning due to these damn psych medicines. Can I blame everything on the psych medicine now? Can I can I?

Ok so like I said, all I want to do is write today. I have 3 topics off the top of my head that I want to discuss and BAM, they are gone, as are the parts I had written out in my mind. Now at this point aren't I supposed to be using some of that DBT Group stuff to get my mind back on track? Sure I am, but guess what, I don't remember any of it. SO how does that work again? Oh yea, it doesn't! LOL

Cutting: Understanding and Overcoming Self-Mutilation

But no, I am side tracked AGAIN! Everyday I look up and shout, "why me lord". This time last year, my world was 95% perfect. This year it's 95% hell. How could things go so wrong so fast? I'll tell you how! I got side tracked is how!

Can I just blame someone else for everything? Nope I can't. I have to find my strength. I am after all a strong person whom everyone relay's on. I can't fail even if fail is a Master word in my vocabulary. I have to move forward and fast or I will be done for. In all actuality, I'm scared. I'm scared of what my Bipolar is doing to me. Unlike most, I am so grateful that I don't have the episodes that are so bad that they are hospitalized, but does that make my Bipolar any less off then theirs? No it doesn't! It just means I have mine more under control then most do.

Bipolar Disorder for Dummies

I am very grateful for that fact to. I function well, don't end up in the hospital, but I do self mutilate to no end. Another thing that plays in to all this; I refuse to go to the hospital due to no insurance, which may be a bad thing since everyone says going to the hospital is one sure fire way of getting Disability. So I don't know, nor do I have the answers.

Side note: I think I write better and am more organized when in Depressed Mode. LOL. Manic mode, like today, just places me all over the map, or someone is playing a cruel cruel joke on me today. LOL.

Mental Health Testing

The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide

I though, just maybe that I would go to this website and work on some of the tests they had for free, as I am always looking for these kind of damn things. LOL. After I got the answers to this test though, I realized I was angry at myself for taking it and had no clue as to why.

Here are my results:

Personality Disorder Test Results Paranoid |||||||||||| 46% Schizoid |||||||||||||||||| 74% Schizotypal |||||||||||| 46% Antisocial |||||||||||||| 54% Borderline |||||||||||||||||||| 82% Histrionic |||||||||||||| 54% Narcissistic |||| 14% Avoidant |||||||||||| 46% Dependent |||||||||||| 42% Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||| 42%

Take Free Personality Disorder Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Gee don't I feel better now that I know whats wrong with me. LOL. Maybe now we can all sleep better at night knowing I have all these issues with myself. I think I'm going to go and take more of these tests and see if they come up with the same answers. LOL.

Yes I am in smart-ass, manic mode after being fogged or zoned out all damn day!

Next Test Results:

Big Five Test Results

Extroversion (40%) moderately low which suggests you are reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and private. Accommodation (80%) high which suggests you are overly kind natured, trusting, and helpful at the expense too often of your own individual development (martyr complex). Orderliness (52%) medium which suggests you are moderately organized, structured, and self controlled while still remaining flexible, varied, and fun. Emotional Stability (32%) moderately low which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious. Inquisitiveness (22%) low which suggests you are overly small minded, traditional, and conventional at the expense too often of intellectual curiousity, possibility, and progress.

Take Free Big Five Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Oh Oh can I do another one, pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. LOL

Brain Lateralization Test Results

Right Brain (50%) The right hemisphere is the visual, figurative, artistic, and intuitive side of the brain. Left Brain (46%) The left hemisphere is the logical, articulate, assertive, and practical side of the brain

Are You Right or Left Brained?
personality tests by similarminds.com

I already knew this damn it. I want new information please! I guess I could lie on these things, but then that would take all the fun out of bitching at myself. LOL

Oh lets do, hum, 2 more.

Global Personality Test Results

Stability (26%) low which suggests you are very worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious. Orderliness (50%) medium which suggests you are moderately organized, hard working, and reliable while still remaining flexible, efficient, and fun. Extraversion (33%) moderately low which suggests you are reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive.

Take Free Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

So the test proved to be close to some of the other test answers. Maybe it isn't bullshit like I thought. I think this is all I will do tonight. LOL. After all, I can't sleep so I think I will go find some good trouble to waste all this energy on. Actually I know I won't go find trouble, I'll probably just sit here and read the DBT Training papers I printed off today.

Happy Holidays!

Therapy Session #1

First off I have to do what I am grateful for since that's the main reason for logging into my blog tonight, cause trust me I'm not in the mood to write. LOL

1) I am grateful that my sister and niece get to see my step-dad tomorrow so that they will feel some love    from home.
2) I am grateful the heat issue in my truck was figured out today since it is fucking cold. Brrrrrrrr. LOL
3) I am grateful to my Therapist for making me talk to her.
4) I am grateful that my grammy feels so loved and adored by all of us.
5) I am grateful for the dog who loves to chase away the raccoons, I just wish they could chase away my bad dreams as easily. LOL

Therapy Day 1.....

I hate opening myself up to people, unless I know them, but part of my DBT Group Therapy is that I have to seek individual counseling as well. I have to do both type of counseling, otherwise I will be dropped from the program. Needless to say due to my break down in group on Monday, that is what she wanted to discuss today first and foremost. I was NOT happy. However after the hell I went through to finally just get an appointment, I was glad to be saying anything to anyone. I have 5 million things I need to get off my chest and I want to speak them to someone who doesn't judge me like my friends or family do or might.

So we started with my son. That alone is hard for me. He is my baby damn it! He does no wrong, but yet everything is wrong. I had to start by giving her some background on his and mine's relationship. So I went through the fucked up details of how his dad walked out when he was 5 minutes old, how I got a divorce when he was 3 from a jackass, how he was beaten by one of my boyfriends and how I gave him to my father because I was scared to leave the guy, then how Keith moved back and forth between myself anf my dad and his father, then how Keith seems to only want material things from me because everyone else gives them to him, and on to our current relationship that caused me to break down. SO basically I bawled like a babby for a 45 minutes and told the story of me and my son.

It's sad that something as precious as my son can be summed up in just 45 minutes when it takes a lifetime to raise them.

She then wanted to go on talking about my cutting and why such a joyous moment could bring massive self mutilating spells. When I cut, I don't just self mutilate here and there, I do massive amounts of self mutilating. Uncontrollably at that. It's like I have no sense of anything, I just slice and slice till I finally snap out of it. Why? How can one have no control like that over themself? I know there are a lot of us who don't have control over our "emotional mind", but how do we find other ways to cope? Trust me, I have tried "other methods".

So my Therapist and I got around to the "why I cut" after such a enlightening phone call from my son. The only answer I can come up with is because I was waiting for the ball to drop. By that I meant in my subconscious mind I was waiting for Keith to ask for something after he got through the niceties of the phone call. Or even a phone call later on asking me for something. So I jumped the gun and self mutilated before it even came, because in reality, I had NO reason to be self mutilating the way I did.

I've been trying to think in the here and now, along with many happy thoughts. The here and the now is the hardest because of the tunnel vision my head has. I have what I call a fog and my eyes see it. I hate it. My clinician talks about clearing your head, I can't because most days I don't even feel whats running around in my head. I don't think about stuff as I'm saying it, I can't process the thoughts that I have. I will think something, hell I can ponder it over and over for hours, and then completely forget about it. But you throw me in a kitchen or doing something for my family and I thrive like I never have before.

I don't understand this disease.

 The Bipolar Workbook: Tools for Controlling Your Mood Swings

Very Mixed Bipolar Signals

Today has just been a crazy day for me. I thought I was having a manic episode, maybe I am, but my mood is just all over the place today. One minute I think I'm fine, the next minute I'm all over the map wondering which way I'm coming and going. So yes I am having a mixed episode, but one like I have never had before. Normally for me a mixed episode is Manic, then Depressed. Not manic, then semi normal. This season has been weird for me and my Bipolar. I'm rapid cycling, which I have never done before. But as usual the Psych Doctor told me that since I have gone untreated for so long, the Bipolar takes advantage of that and in it's self gets worse over time. How dare it do that to me! As if I didn't have enough issues with Bipolar, now I learn it can and will advance if not treated properly. I'm appalled! LOL

So all in all I've been having a great day. Got completely registered for school, can't wait to start either. It will be a HUGE challenge for me since my brain is in this major fog that drives me completely insane. I so love that word; INSANE. LOL. Yep thats me and I'm not afraid to admit it. Actually I'm probably one of the few who doesn't mind admiting it just for the simple fact that being Bipolar doesn't bother me, it doesn't bother me for anyone to know either. If they know and they judge me for it, then they are not my friend and I will disown them if they are family! So I am proud that I am that sure of myself.

The second thing that happened today is finally after 3 weeks, I have an idividual counseling appointment! To top it off, its with my DBT group leader. I'm kind of unsure if thats a good thing or a bad thing for me. LOL. We will see tomorrow how it comes out. Don't get me wrong, I like her and all, but in DBT group she wants us to focus on the here and now. I however need to get the past shit out of my head, so I can get to the here and now.

I have anger issues that need resolved with the past regardless of what my DBT group says, otherwise I will not be able to move forward with myself. I live pretty much in the past as I have issues with most men; I either fear them or think I'm Dominant over them. Two entirely different worlds, when I need to find a middle ground.

On to my 5 things I am grateful for...

1) I am grateful for being happy today.
2) I am grateful being able to cook tonight.
3) I am grateful I got my grammy out to play cards and go for a walk around the ward..
4) I am grateful for my gratitude rock.
5) I am grateful for the lost friends and family I have been reuniting myself with.

Dear Daddy

Dear Daddy....

I am writing this to you so you can finally see how I feel about you, myself, and us as a family. It's time you see that I'm not the bad person you think I am, but a lost soul who only ever wanted to be accepted as part of your life. I'm writing this because we have become nothing! There is only an "US" when I am in the hospital or sick. Where has "US" been any other part of the rest of my life? I called you today for the millionth time, only to have reached that ever unloving answering machine, as usual I get no call back. I have to always find out how you and my step mom are doing by calling my son. Now don't get me wrong here Daddy, I know you have to work for a living and because I live out of state I don't know your "at home hours" nor your "at work hours", but I do know when your not there during the day Candy is, so how come she can't answer the phone? Don't you realize, you could call me just to tell me you love me at 2am and I would still answer the phone because it's my Daddy.

DO you not realized that I have wanted my Daddy's love, acceptance, nurturing, forgiveness, and many more emotions that will take to long to express, all my life? I have longed for the gentle touch of your hand on my shoulder, or a hug when I'm sad, or a "go get them Lori" when I played sports. Fuck dad, you were so busy with everything else the summer you volunteered to be an assistant coach for my softball team, you only showed up to one or two games before you dropped off, but I remember that summer well you see, you had plenty of time to COACH the boys team in Hebron. Don't worry dad, this won't be all bitching and complaining on you, after all, I could have been a better daughter then what I was. However one has to wonder if I hadn't had better role models as a child if I wouldn't have turned out the way I am today.

Like it or not dad, I have Bipolar I and Borderline Personality Disorder. I live with these 2 hells daily! I can't change the way I am, I can only try to find a way to make by life better while living with both disorders. I can't make Bipolar go away, but I can Borderline Personality Disorder. So I go to some intense group meetings to learn how to rid myself of BPD. Funny thing is dad, is that BPD comes from the way you were raised and how you learned to adapt to life's situations. Ironic isn't it? You blame me for so much wrong doing in my life (sure I did the actions and took the punishment for them), but in reality I can blame you for some of those things and situations, since you weren't realy ever around for me as a child.

To be continued....

Can't get a Psych Counselor, Become a Psych Counselor!

I have done it! I have started applying to schools to become a Psych Counselor. I decided last night that since I am having such a hard time getting one of my own, why not become one. Hell I'm very good at doing the same things they do, I just don't have the degree. I thought about taking the short route and just becoming an assistant to see if that was something I want to do, but I decided no, I need to just jump into this and push myself forward. I need to fight to the finish on this one as this will have a major impact on my life. After all I am 38 and am not getting any younger. So by the time I graduate from a major college with a Bachelor's Degree in Applied Psychology, I will be 43 years old and just starting my life all over again.

I'm proud of myself for taking this step!

I want to help people who ask for it. I have no desire to be in a fancy office waiting for my clients who might be cheating on a spouse and feeling guilty about it, I want the real deal. LOL. I told a friend of mine last night, "My luck I'll be the sap who works for free because people such as myself will come to them." Yes that will be me and I'll take those cases because the people need help, not because I want to be rich.

My heart is huge and it has room for 50 people if they want the care, if they don't then it will be patiently waiting for the next 2 or 3 to trickle in. Thats me in a nut shell. Big heart, big head, and plenty of room for more friends, patients, and family that want to crawl inside. LOL. Will you be my next "victium" er I meant patient. LOL.

Isn't humor a wonderful thing! You can find humor in most things that you do, no matter how bad the situation is, there is always something funny involved in it. Sure you might not think so at the time, but later as your sitting there reflecting on what the situation was, you'll find something along the line that was humorous.

I have this dear dear friend that I met just a few weeks ago online. Her and I have become an insperation in each others lives. I don't think I could face a day without her, that is how much she has become a part of my life. The moral of that; someone can come to you even from far away and without meeting them can make the biggest difference in your life for the good. Thank you my Dear Canadian Friend! You know who you are.

My gratitude list for tonight goes like this;

1) I am grateful for my Friend "M".

2) I am grateful for the desire to go back to school and persue a life long goal.

3) I am grateful for the turkey that I cooked today and for the full stomach that I have.

4) I am grateful my grandma seems to be in blessed spirits tonight

5) I am grateful that I can live another day in a semi-peaceful state.

Now I know some of these might over lap a few days ago here and there, but they are things that deserve to be here.

Till Tomorrow.....