What is supposed to be the end to a joyous season and the beginning of a wonderful New Year, isn't starting or ending like it should. The truck decided she no longer wants to run; easy fix since its just the battery, that would be the case if I had the hundred bucks it will take to fix it. Then my school computer decided it would quit working. Oh don't get me wrong I have a nice Mac, it just doesn't have the software I need to do my school work. That leaves one more bad thing to happen before midnight.
Oh and did I mention we are in the process of moving when Tiger decided she wasn't going to run?
My step dad doesn't help matter with me either since he is bitching about constantly having to jump her and "possibly draining his tiny battery". He is one of those men I just want to bitch slap the shit out of!
Thats how my life goes anyway. Just as shit starts to get great, it crashes down. Yes I know I shouldn't think like that as it will pull the negative energies my way, but how am I supposed to think different when I've tried so damn hard to change the way things head? Only for them to crash back down?
I'm tired and mentally exhausted. I don't know where I am or what to do anymore. Cutting just isn't enough. My mom doesn't need this shit right now. This would be the time where I'd want someone to hug me and tell me everything will be okay.....
Today marks the 2nd time in 4-5 years that I am thinking suicidal thoughts! Wow twice in a month...... Sure the things that are wrong could be worse and might not seem suicidal to some, but its these type of things all at once that just trigger me.
Till another time.......
As I wander the earth in search of my peace and happiness, this is where I'll post my rants where it concerns my mental health as I discover things about my Bipolar Disorder, my Borderline Personality Disorder, and other medical issues. Here is where you will read and explore the things I am going through.
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"Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself" ~~Thomas Jefferson.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
The child inside
As I have been reading and learning new things about myself, I find that there is a child inside waiting to be let out. It shows in the type of men that I date, the things I like, the tantrums that I throw, and so on. I often sit and wish that things had turned out differently. However if they had would I still be the same strong woman that I am today? I think not and thats where all this fits in.
I want, no need someone to look after me like my father and mother should have, thats why I search for men older then myself to be a role model or father figure if you so wish to call him that. I don't search for a mother figure like I do a father figure though. I think that is only because my mom has been more involved in my life, unlike my father. I so want his approval, but know it will be a cold day in hell before I get it. His negativity kills me when it comes to myself or my family.
I long for the day I can get a real "I love you" out of him, the day when I walk in the door and he wraps me in his arms and tells me "welcome", or simply the day he picks up the phone and asks me how I'm doing without being prompted. I know these days will never come! Some days I wish my father wasn't around. I actually think it's harder to have a father around who ignores you, but yet is in your life somehow, then it would be to have a father passed away or out into this giant void we call life.
There is this lonely little girl inside of me looking and reaching out for acceptence. This fucking kills me because I am an adult in so many ways, but then I realize there is more to me fighting for me. My little girl just wants nurtured, loved, guidance, and acceptence. The adult already has that in many ways that the child doesn't have.
I don't live in the past like my mind might do. But how do I get that little girl out of my mind? I know we all have some part of child in our heads or lives, but for her to hang around the way she does, isn't right. She needs to be released out into the void and I can only do that, over time she will be released.
"L", I had another one of those moments you have been hoping for as I go through this road to recovery. I feel like a world has been lifted off my shoulders and my body is all tingely.
I want, no need someone to look after me like my father and mother should have, thats why I search for men older then myself to be a role model or father figure if you so wish to call him that. I don't search for a mother figure like I do a father figure though. I think that is only because my mom has been more involved in my life, unlike my father. I so want his approval, but know it will be a cold day in hell before I get it. His negativity kills me when it comes to myself or my family.
I long for the day I can get a real "I love you" out of him, the day when I walk in the door and he wraps me in his arms and tells me "welcome", or simply the day he picks up the phone and asks me how I'm doing without being prompted. I know these days will never come! Some days I wish my father wasn't around. I actually think it's harder to have a father around who ignores you, but yet is in your life somehow, then it would be to have a father passed away or out into this giant void we call life.
There is this lonely little girl inside of me looking and reaching out for acceptence. This fucking kills me because I am an adult in so many ways, but then I realize there is more to me fighting for me. My little girl just wants nurtured, loved, guidance, and acceptence. The adult already has that in many ways that the child doesn't have.
I don't live in the past like my mind might do. But how do I get that little girl out of my mind? I know we all have some part of child in our heads or lives, but for her to hang around the way she does, isn't right. She needs to be released out into the void and I can only do that, over time she will be released.
"L", I had another one of those moments you have been hoping for as I go through this road to recovery. I feel like a world has been lifted off my shoulders and my body is all tingely.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Borderline Personality Disorder: Who do we blame?
Since finding out the true meaning of Borderline Personality Disorder I have been pondering my past. Was it the years of sexual and physical abuse at the hands of others? Was it the fact my parents divorced when I was 5 years old? Was it the fact that neither of my parents could handle me so I was shifted back and forth between them? Was it the fact my father was always at work and because I didn't have a dick felt the need not to hug me, tell me he loved me, or his lack of needing or wanting to do things with me? Could it be because my mom had her own depression to deal with as she grew up with me? I'll never know the answer to any of these questions. But I can and I will defeat Borderline Personality Disorder. I have to if I ever expect to have a normal love life with anyone or even a relationship with myself.
In reality, we can't blame anyone but ourselves. Yes I said ourselves! Your probably thinking, "how can you say ourselves if we learned it from other's"? Did those others hold your hand while you did what ever it was that destroyed that part of your life? No! You saw someone do something and thought that was cool, so what, that doesn't mean you have to do it. Trust me when I tell you I have done more then my fair amount of stupid shit and I won't stop till I die more then likely. So many people are quick to blame others for their faults or on society. How can we blame others when we control our own actions and destinies! Now, before you jump all over me, I do know the difference between our own actions and actions that are beyond our control.
The relationship with myself will be the hardest as I hate myself to no end. On the relationship with others side of things: I've had true love and destroyed it. I'll find it again someday. For me self hatred comes easy. I'm fat, can not seem to do anything right, I never finish what I start, can't hold a job, have alienated most of my family, have no friends (no real ones anyway), and have a mental illness called Bipolar. Boy does that suck. LOL. Now do we see why it's so simple to hate myself?
I see a picture of a skinny girl on TV, do I sit there and desire something that will more then likely never happen to me or do I just sit there crying, or do I get up and change the fact I'm fat and she isn't? I don't have to let society, friends, family, whomever, control my destiny unless I choose to let them. If I want to get off the couch one day and decide I'm going to be skinny, then thats me deciding, not society.
My point today is we can't keep letting others run our live in that unknown way that they do. We need to take control of our lives and get ourselves back on track! We need ourselves to be happy and healthy in order to move forward in life.
Goal #1 for myself: TAKE BACK MY LIFE!!!!!!
In reality, we can't blame anyone but ourselves. Yes I said ourselves! Your probably thinking, "how can you say ourselves if we learned it from other's"? Did those others hold your hand while you did what ever it was that destroyed that part of your life? No! You saw someone do something and thought that was cool, so what, that doesn't mean you have to do it. Trust me when I tell you I have done more then my fair amount of stupid shit and I won't stop till I die more then likely. So many people are quick to blame others for their faults or on society. How can we blame others when we control our own actions and destinies! Now, before you jump all over me, I do know the difference between our own actions and actions that are beyond our control.
The relationship with myself will be the hardest as I hate myself to no end. On the relationship with others side of things: I've had true love and destroyed it. I'll find it again someday. For me self hatred comes easy. I'm fat, can not seem to do anything right, I never finish what I start, can't hold a job, have alienated most of my family, have no friends (no real ones anyway), and have a mental illness called Bipolar. Boy does that suck. LOL. Now do we see why it's so simple to hate myself?
I see a picture of a skinny girl on TV, do I sit there and desire something that will more then likely never happen to me or do I just sit there crying, or do I get up and change the fact I'm fat and she isn't? I don't have to let society, friends, family, whomever, control my destiny unless I choose to let them. If I want to get off the couch one day and decide I'm going to be skinny, then thats me deciding, not society.
My point today is we can't keep letting others run our live in that unknown way that they do. We need to take control of our lives and get ourselves back on track! We need ourselves to be happy and healthy in order to move forward in life.
Goal #1 for myself: TAKE BACK MY LIFE!!!!!!
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Opinions, whose answer is right?
I went over and saw my grammy today, she is still in the nursing home and getting better everyday. I got to talking to her about how I called dad Christmas day and we of course got into an arguement about it. She feels I did the right thing by not opening my mouth to him and keeping the peace. What peace? There isn't any peace between myself and my father, regardless if anything is said or not!
My DBT group leader however says I should do just the opposite and learn to tell people when I'm mad at them so that we may talk it out. But I have to be telling the person I'm mad at, not someone else, like grammy suggested. After all, why should I vent on someone who didn't do anything wrong in the first place. So who is right? She is slowly becoming a senile old lady I think!
If I had kept my mouth shut all these years I'd still be getting abused in one form or another. If I hadn't said anything as a child, my ex-stepfather would have abused me and possibly my sister till they decided their relationship was over at some point. So where does my grammy get off telling me to keep my mouth shut?
If you can't tell, I don't agree with her on her comment. You don't have a Psych degree Grammy so back the fuck off and don't try to counsel me on something you know nothing about! After all, you've kept quite and you've opened your mouth, both cases pissed loved ones right the fuck off!
Good thing I have my blog to write to or I'd go nuts. LOL
My DBT group leader however says I should do just the opposite and learn to tell people when I'm mad at them so that we may talk it out. But I have to be telling the person I'm mad at, not someone else, like grammy suggested. After all, why should I vent on someone who didn't do anything wrong in the first place. So who is right? She is slowly becoming a senile old lady I think!
If I had kept my mouth shut all these years I'd still be getting abused in one form or another. If I hadn't said anything as a child, my ex-stepfather would have abused me and possibly my sister till they decided their relationship was over at some point. So where does my grammy get off telling me to keep my mouth shut?
If you can't tell, I don't agree with her on her comment. You don't have a Psych degree Grammy so back the fuck off and don't try to counsel me on something you know nothing about! After all, you've kept quite and you've opened your mouth, both cases pissed loved ones right the fuck off!
Good thing I have my blog to write to or I'd go nuts. LOL
My Own Christmas Hell
Christmas day I called my dad and finally caught him at home. W talked for about 10 minutes, well I talked for 10 minutes. Then he started in on how my step-sister is losing her job, needs $500 a month liver injections, how my kid doesn't do a damn thing, and kept on complaining. He almost made it sound like I was only calling him to ask for money, which I was not doing by far. He got so irate at nothing that I didn't even bring up the fact he never calls me back when I make my weekly "try to reach him" calls. I was telling him about my counseling sessions and my individual therapy sessions and all he could do is ask me why I need counseling. Uhm HELLO, for the past 15 years your daughter has had Bipolar, remember! Guess I'm that forgetable. He wonder's why I date men his age. "I'm looking for acceptance from a father figure since you won't give it to me asshole!" That and older guys are much more cooler then men my age. LOL.I then told him about how I will be starting school January 11th, his reply, make sure you finish it this time. Not one word of any kind of encouragement in that phone conversation. But I know I'll be trying to reach him again on New Years Day, just because he is MY dad.
It hurts very badly that I so crave his acceptance and I can't get him to show one ounce of love towards me. Maybe I should sent him this blog just so he can see what our relationship does to me. I'll never have the balls, never. Nor will I ever stand up to him in person or by writing a letter to him. No matter how much I want him to feel what I'm feeling. The man that took over as my Dad is long gone, I miss him every moment. That was my grandfather. There was a man who came close to grampy, but as usual, I fucked that up.
My son didn't want to talk to me because he was with his father's family. To me that shouldn't matter, but I guess it does to him. All I wanted to do was tell him Merry Christmas, I love him, and ask him how he was doing. He instead said "I'll call you back mom, I got your cash and card," and then just hung up on me. My Grammy gave me a $50.00 for Christmas, I sent it to my son since I knew he would be disappointed if he didn't get anything from me.
All the hard work on myself that I have been doing, down the drain. Negetivity has reentered my mind. Here I was so fucking proud of all the positive engery that I had been experincing, only to have it go to hell in less then hour. Who cares I had nothing to give my mom, who cares that I sent my last buck to my kid and am broke, who cares I can't get my medicine anymore, all these things were not even bothering me when I woke up Christmas morning. Until I started calling my family. Then I felt like the biggest piece of shit on earth. The funny thing is that I don't hold it against them for making me feel that way, but I hold it against me for feeling that way. The first thought after each call was: "what did I do wrong". I came down hard on myself and needless to say, I have the marks to prove it.
For the first time in many years, I actually thought about suicide.
It hurts very badly that I so crave his acceptance and I can't get him to show one ounce of love towards me. Maybe I should sent him this blog just so he can see what our relationship does to me. I'll never have the balls, never. Nor will I ever stand up to him in person or by writing a letter to him. No matter how much I want him to feel what I'm feeling. The man that took over as my Dad is long gone, I miss him every moment. That was my grandfather. There was a man who came close to grampy, but as usual, I fucked that up.
My son didn't want to talk to me because he was with his father's family. To me that shouldn't matter, but I guess it does to him. All I wanted to do was tell him Merry Christmas, I love him, and ask him how he was doing. He instead said "I'll call you back mom, I got your cash and card," and then just hung up on me. My Grammy gave me a $50.00 for Christmas, I sent it to my son since I knew he would be disappointed if he didn't get anything from me.
All the hard work on myself that I have been doing, down the drain. Negetivity has reentered my mind. Here I was so fucking proud of all the positive engery that I had been experincing, only to have it go to hell in less then hour. Who cares I had nothing to give my mom, who cares that I sent my last buck to my kid and am broke, who cares I can't get my medicine anymore, all these things were not even bothering me when I woke up Christmas morning. Until I started calling my family. Then I felt like the biggest piece of shit on earth. The funny thing is that I don't hold it against them for making me feel that way, but I hold it against me for feeling that way. The first thought after each call was: "what did I do wrong". I came down hard on myself and needless to say, I have the marks to prove it.
For the first time in many years, I actually thought about suicide.
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