Bad Day

This morning I woke up feeling pretty awesome! Stayed up till the wee hours of the morning kicking mom and Dave's asses in Euchure and UNO. Laughed my ass off and every sprayed water on Dave when I lost it in a laughing fit. All in all I would say it was a pretty terrific night. I woke up feeling refreshed and happy.

For no known reason, that all crashed around me about an hour ago. All I want to do is self mutilate and harm myself in the craziest ways. I am actually afraid of myself at this moment. I feel like my world is crashing down around me and it is. My thoughts are very hectic and out of control. I don't know what to do and I have no one I can turn to to talk to. All 3 of my friends are far away or have problems of their own or are at a place where they can't be reached.

Then to top it off, my mom has convinced my Aunt that I do a wonderful job selling shit so if "she needs something done, have Lori do it". Like I need more bullshit added to the way I am feeling right now. I mean, I have to drive an hour each way to my Aunts house, take the pictures, price her shit, and do the descriptions, then put it all online and have the people contact me to set it all up because they don't want to do it themselves nor do they want to take direction to complete the task.

Yes I am in a severe depressed mood!

I miss the days when I wasn't so depressed, the days when I could function like a fucking normal person. I want my sanity back! I can't sit around all damn day tearful and ready to burst out crying like I fucking am. I'm tired when I should be proud of myself. Hell I did all my assignment for class by yesterday and they aren't even due till Thursday. Damn right I should be proud of me, but I'm not. I hate me right now.

My Bipolar tries to control me and my life. I don't let it, but it seems to take over regardless of wether I want it to or not. I'm tired of having uncontrolled Bipolar and other Mental Illnesses. I'm tired of feeling so low in my life. I do great things for a few months, then bam, back down again I go. While manic episodes seem to get me into trouble, I would much rather have one right now then feel as suicidal as I am feeling. Life can not go on like this, but yet it seems to.

Where is my happy middle ground? I try to do good things but yet I can't focus or stay focused. I'm tired of fighting me. I'm tired of living the way that I am. Being broke, feeling like a worthless piece of shit. I know I am better then that. I know I am better then all of this!

Till another day!

My Chaotic Bipolar Mind

With the chaos that plays in my mind, thanks in part to Bipolar, I have a hard time living this wonderful life sentence. (Yes I am being a smart ass when I say it's wonderful. ) I have my up and down days, my where in the hell am I days, as well as my crazy days and lets not forget my total isolation days. Trust me if I could have a kitchenette in my room no one would probably see me for months. I live my life pretty much in total isolation, except when I have to go to group or to see my grandma. I have little contact with anyone outside of the house, except for when I talk to people online.

My online friends are sometimes a joy, a lifesaver, and even a hindrance to me. They are there when I need someone to talk to, to vent to, and yes even to nurture me. But what they can't understand is that I have Bipolar, Borderline Personality Disorder, and a few other diagnosed mental illnesses that I deal with on a daily basis and when I don't answer them via email or instant messenger they seem to get offened or pissy even. How the hell do you tell someone you will more then likely never meet these intamite things about you. Hell for the most part you don't even want to admit it to yourself, at least I don't.

Please take a moment to get up and go get something to drink as I am taking a moment since my mommy just brought me a blueberry & pineapple smoothie. LOL. YUMMY!!!!!

I hate admitting I have anything wrong with me, specially of the mental capacity. Everyone is always telling me how intelligent I am. I don't see it one bit. Well I take that back, I'm street smart but not book smart. In today's society, book smart is what counts.

Most days, with me I either love it or hate it, there is no middle ground, no gray spot. I'm black or white and nothing more. Hell if you read my journals most of them are all over the place with my writing. I can't stand the negativity that surrounds me but yet I am negative myself most of the time. I can't stand to be around people who are always crying and whining, but yet it seems like I do a lot of it. I can't stand to be around people who are always being "needy", but again, I am a "needy" person. I avoid people who don't need me to take care of them, but yet I don't want taken care of either.

I have no idea right now where I am going with this post for today, so I will just end it here.

Have a wonderful day!

Dialectical Behavior Therapy Group

Found out today that about 1/2 of my group will be gone come February. Seems the good ole health care plan is trying to kick into high gear. Come February, certain insurance companies and medicare/Medicaid will no longer be paying for Dialectical Behavior Therapy. It's a crying shame when someone tries to get the help they need in order to stay alive and function on a day to day basis only to get shot down by the government or an agency such as the insurance companies. It sucks is what it does.

This is the reason I have decided to go to school to become a Therapist! To help those who can't afford it o r can't make it into a Therapists office. I tell you what, issues like this are becoming a massive passion in my life as I struggle to find the greatness in myself. Sure I won't cure the world, but I'll be able to help someone find their own path in the right direction! If one person is all I help, then I'll be happy with that.

Today we discussed interpersonal relationships and had to rate our skills with them. I gave myself a 3, which is bad. Why did I give myself a 3? Well outside of group, phone, and internet, I have no contact with people. I prefer to stay in hiding and only going out when I absolutely need to. I will go to Doctor's appointments, grocery stores, restaurants, and all the other fun public places, but my nerves feel every single bit of it or the headaches will kick into high gear and I have panic attacks. I think this is why I hate to shop. LOL.

Then she gave us our homework, (lets see if she remembers to even ask about it. LOL). I have to go out and talk to one person out of my comfort level, uhm hello, I hate to go out unless I have to much less talk to a stranger. LOL. Boy is she in for a treat with mine. BTW, I'm not allowed to use anyone online or those that I know. LOL.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation, & Distress Tolerance (New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook)

I have been doing semi ok. I try daily to find happiness in things that I do, but I can not find happiness in the prick my mom calls a husband. Some day he will get his, no not by me either. LOL

Till another day....

Survival

Today brings great sadness to my heart. I am off to try to sell my most prized possessions; My Collection of Cookbooks.

I'm heart broken, but they must go in order to pay bills.

I have tried and looked and searched for work, only to come up empty handed. Hell I wouldn't want to hire me either if I didnt have to. But I do know this, I am a damn good worker and a damn good cook! Things wont be as tough next month, after all I'll have my left over monies from school and I can use that to pay off my title loan so that will be out of the way, as that is is my biggest fear; losing my truck for stupidity.

I'll write more later as I am off to group. I keep going cause I know somewhere in my heart it has to get better!