Good Morning!
I don't say that full of spunk or feeling full of life. I say it half heartedly, well because thats how I am feeling this morning. My life, my thoughts, the "what do I do's", and the need to hide from the world is just lying there on top of my mind ready to reach out and scream. But I have to ask myself why I feel the need to reach out and scream. School's going awesome! My life has no real major issues right now. Love suck's (for me it normally seems to go that route. LOL)
Maybe I'm just sexually frustrated. LMAO, after all it has been a while! Come to think of it, I WANT some damn good sex! I want to unleash the tiger inside of me. I want to scream, holler, and be made to beg for more. If that were to have happen; it would be a first in my life. Hell I could fill the pages of another blog on a daily basis with this type of shit!
And now on to lighter news and recovery.....
My step-father is now 90% disabled. He has NO restrictions. However he feels he can no longer work, got a disability sticker for his car, is in the process of applying for SSI and now feels he should have to do not a damn thing but hold down his computer chair during the day. Leaving me to cook and clean and my mom to feel even more stressed out due to bills and so on. Not a pretty environment for me around here since all I want to do is strangle him.
I knew I should have been a hit-man when I grew up. LOL. Kids always want to be the strangest things, more then always it involves some form of authority figure: Teacher, Cop Doctor, Fireman, for me it was a Hit-Man. Strange I know, but it's true! Do they even have a school for that? LOL After spending years of being abused I always thought it would be cool to be able to come back, find the men in my life who did it and just off them. Stalk them like an animal, figure out how I was going to do it and then slowly watch the life go out of them. Sounds cool to me. LOL. But I know in my heart of hearts that I could NEVER take another persons life. Guess I wouldn't make a very good hit-man then eh? LOL
Being positive and trying to see the good in everything I do is very hard for me. If you remember I was writing 5 "grateful" things a day on my blog or each time I wrote in it, but then I stopped. So we are going to try to get back into the swing of things and see if I cant start doing them again and stick with it.
5 Things I am Grateful for:
1) Warming weather
2) Grandma getting better more each day
3) My pup enjoying his new ball
4) the fact I wake up each day
5) being able to look at the stars each night.
As I wander the earth in search of my peace and happiness, this is where I'll post my rants where it concerns my mental health as I discover things about my Bipolar Disorder, my Borderline Personality Disorder, and other medical issues. Here is where you will read and explore the things I am going through.
Disclaimer
Need Immediate Help?
If you are having thoughts of death or suicide, call 1–800–273–8255 (TALK), or if you need immediate assistance, call 911 or go to a hospital emergency room
"Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself" ~~Thomas Jefferson.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
When your heart is without a "HOME"; Maine
It has been 6 months since I left my home in Maine.
I am in hell here in NC!
Maine seems so far away, but so near my grasp. I miss the hell out of my adopted state! Granted, I was only there for 5 months, but it felt like a life time to me. A place where I want to hang my hat when I grow up. That's home to me!
I have spent most of 2009 circling from Georgia to Maine and every where in between more then once. A lost nomad looking for her way to find her happiness. I have had no clue where I've been or where I've been headed, but I've finally found some of my happiness. If you had told me years ago that I needed to be out in the open mountain air, I would have laughed at you and told you that you were crazy, but today, I now know that it is exactly where I need to be. Many people over the years have asked me, "if you could live anywhere, where would it be". I have always answered "my grandma's cabin. Nice secluded camp nestled back in the brush amongst the hills in Northern Ontario. But now it would come in a tie between there and my new found love of Maine.
I miss the sound of a cold fog horn blowing in the early morning hours crying out like a momma to her child, waking up to see the mist covering all the sights before me, the seagulls that sat on a roof top across the street from my house all lined up like little soldiers waiting to be fed, I miss seeing all the boats bobbing on the gentle ocean waves in the harbor, or the anticipation that I might catch a glimpse of a bear or moose. Yes I miss my Maine.
I fell in love with Maine the minute I crossed the bridge into Kittery. From that moment on I was hooked!
I am in hell here in NC!
Maine seems so far away, but so near my grasp. I miss the hell out of my adopted state! Granted, I was only there for 5 months, but it felt like a life time to me. A place where I want to hang my hat when I grow up. That's home to me!
I have spent most of 2009 circling from Georgia to Maine and every where in between more then once. A lost nomad looking for her way to find her happiness. I have had no clue where I've been or where I've been headed, but I've finally found some of my happiness. If you had told me years ago that I needed to be out in the open mountain air, I would have laughed at you and told you that you were crazy, but today, I now know that it is exactly where I need to be. Many people over the years have asked me, "if you could live anywhere, where would it be". I have always answered "my grandma's cabin. Nice secluded camp nestled back in the brush amongst the hills in Northern Ontario. But now it would come in a tie between there and my new found love of Maine.
I miss the sound of a cold fog horn blowing in the early morning hours crying out like a momma to her child, waking up to see the mist covering all the sights before me, the seagulls that sat on a roof top across the street from my house all lined up like little soldiers waiting to be fed, I miss seeing all the boats bobbing on the gentle ocean waves in the harbor, or the anticipation that I might catch a glimpse of a bear or moose. Yes I miss my Maine.
I fell in love with Maine the minute I crossed the bridge into Kittery. From that moment on I was hooked!
Sunday, February 7, 2010
My Crazy World
I find myself sitting here, day to day with nothing to write but yet so much to say. I am on a path of self discovery and it seems to be leading no where fast. Telling myself daily that I am "okay" doesn't seem to work anymore! I still seem to have the day dreams of getting out of the vehicle while it's still moving or falling and breaking my neck. Are these signs or are they premanicians? I don't know but I do know if I keep having them I am going to go nuts, after all we aren't supposed to be day dreaming about killing ourselves. Are we? They are so real and I can almost feel the pain of these dreams, more so then I felt the pain of self mutilating. I even feel the pain of others around me after these things have happened. I sure as hell wish I knew what they meant.
School is going well, even if I can't enjoy the awesome grades I have gotten so far. Sharanda says that because I spent my teenage years fucking off in school and getting bad grades, that that is why I can't enjoy the great grades I am getting now. Why do I have these damn mental blocks that will not let me move forward! With school, I know why. Growing up I always did poorly to get by. The early years, someone was there to tell me I had done bad, but as I moved on through the grades no one seemed to care anymore and I felt like they had just given up on me so I did what ever I could to get attention from the one person I wanted it from the most: my dad. Sure he would say a few words here and there, but never go into to much detail with me on why or what I could do to change it or even that I was doing a great job. Hell I don't even remember him being at my graduation.
I'm having issues with food right now. I find myself eating little meals on the rare occasion, but then gorging the rest of the day. No matter how full I am or feel I am, I'm still shoveling food in. It's like I have given up on myself all over again. I have made call after call to the local fitness centers, they all want more then I can afford in order to join them. If I do this at home (i.e.: walking and other exercises), then I don't have the motivation I would if I was in a gym. My size is beginning to scare me. I have no energy, no motivation. I live in a house where everyone is plus sized and they have no motivation to help me let alone help themselves. This past summer I began to have heart issues, I can feel my body doing the same things it did before I had my heart failure. Yes I am scared!
On a happy note, grandma is my salvation right now. Between taking care of her and school I had enough money to make my truck payment and to get my laptop back, so I am safe for another month. LOL.
I got a phone call yesterday. My son has lost his license and still continues to drive. His truck has been impounded and his tags revoked. He called me asking me for the money to help him. He knows I have little to no income, but yet went off the deep end and started screaming and cussing when I told him I couldn't help him. Oh my bundle of joy, where have you gone!. It has now been 15 months since I last saw him and it hurts very badly. I find myself needing him more and more as each year passes, but yet I find myself being drawn far away from him to. This is something I am going to have to figure out thats for sure!
Is it the Bipolar or the Borderline Personality Disorder that does this to me. Hell I know I am to blame, but what stops me, pushes me, and blocks me?
I'll start writing again, I promise!
School is going well, even if I can't enjoy the awesome grades I have gotten so far. Sharanda says that because I spent my teenage years fucking off in school and getting bad grades, that that is why I can't enjoy the great grades I am getting now. Why do I have these damn mental blocks that will not let me move forward! With school, I know why. Growing up I always did poorly to get by. The early years, someone was there to tell me I had done bad, but as I moved on through the grades no one seemed to care anymore and I felt like they had just given up on me so I did what ever I could to get attention from the one person I wanted it from the most: my dad. Sure he would say a few words here and there, but never go into to much detail with me on why or what I could do to change it or even that I was doing a great job. Hell I don't even remember him being at my graduation.
I'm having issues with food right now. I find myself eating little meals on the rare occasion, but then gorging the rest of the day. No matter how full I am or feel I am, I'm still shoveling food in. It's like I have given up on myself all over again. I have made call after call to the local fitness centers, they all want more then I can afford in order to join them. If I do this at home (i.e.: walking and other exercises), then I don't have the motivation I would if I was in a gym. My size is beginning to scare me. I have no energy, no motivation. I live in a house where everyone is plus sized and they have no motivation to help me let alone help themselves. This past summer I began to have heart issues, I can feel my body doing the same things it did before I had my heart failure. Yes I am scared!
On a happy note, grandma is my salvation right now. Between taking care of her and school I had enough money to make my truck payment and to get my laptop back, so I am safe for another month. LOL.
I got a phone call yesterday. My son has lost his license and still continues to drive. His truck has been impounded and his tags revoked. He called me asking me for the money to help him. He knows I have little to no income, but yet went off the deep end and started screaming and cussing when I told him I couldn't help him. Oh my bundle of joy, where have you gone!. It has now been 15 months since I last saw him and it hurts very badly. I find myself needing him more and more as each year passes, but yet I find myself being drawn far away from him to. This is something I am going to have to figure out thats for sure!
Is it the Bipolar or the Borderline Personality Disorder that does this to me. Hell I know I am to blame, but what stops me, pushes me, and blocks me?
I'll start writing again, I promise!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
