Dear Mental Illness

A letter to my mental illness....

Have I ever told you how much I hate you? Yet I love you for just as many reasons.

Reasons I hate you:

1) You've taken some of my family from me
2) You've helped me ruin relationships in more than one way.
3) you've helped ruin my life in many ways: example, self-harm, theft, jail, and even by messing up in school.
4) You've helped me ruin the lives of many.
5) You've even helped me hold on to relationships that I shouldn't
6) You've help me forget who I am.

The reasons I love you:

1) You've helped me bring back some of my family
2) You've helped me make over 2000 friends in the last 2 years
3) you've taken my life in a whole new direction (Thank You!)
4) You've helped me see that I am not Hopeless and that I am a good person.
5) Thanks to you I have made some great friends in life and experience some amazing relationships
6) You've helped me see where I belong
7) You've helped me see who I am and who I want to be.
8) Because of you I can make someone's life a better place, as well as mine
9) Because of you I can see clearly where I was and where I need to be.

Needless to say, I am doing great where I am now, even with all of your short comings. That being said, there are still 2 people who I want in my world but they aren't, my son and my father. I need their support, yet don't have it, yet I am grateful for this in my life who are my support systems. If your reading this, you know who you are.

To date, I have started school and am almost on to my Junior year while maintaining a 4.0 (who would have ever thought? LOL), I have certificates to teach 5 different classes, and am currently working on 4 more, and will reach my goal of starting a recovery college at the rate I am going and I owe most of it to you my mental illness. Thank you for helping to push me to accomplish these tasks.

Today I am grateful for:
1) My recovery
2) my friends and the many more I will make.
3) My new life.
4) The ability to overcome my fears.
5) My friends going through recovery and them making it...

Long Time Coming

This post with make my 100th posting. If I had kept up with it and not done my usual wondering, I would have hit this mark a long time ago!

Since chatting with you all last I have accomplished many different things, good or bad I consider them an accomplishment.

After living in my mom's home for 2 years I have finally moved into my own place. Yes I have doubted every minute that I have been here whether or not I made the right choices. By moving I no longer have my security blanket and that makes me wonder if I made the right choice or not. However, since moving, an opportunity has presented itself to make me realize that I have changed my position in my mom's eyes and that for me is a major blessing. I now know just how much she supports me and believes in me. Thank you momma and I love you dearly!

Everyday is a battle for me, no matter how good or bad I am doing. Each morning I wake up and dread the fact I have to go to work, but I go anyway due to 2 factors: 1) I have bills to pay, LOL (I think that will make anyone go to work whether or not they want to), and 2) I can't let my clients down by canceling our appointments. So everyday has become, "Force Lori to Work Day".  Luckily I do know that this is the time of year when I cycle into my depression state so I know how to cope with this time of the year, but it is difficult.

On a brighter note, I am almost done with my Self-Harm program that I have spent the past few months working on. A self harm support group has agreed to try it out and test it for me, as well as a few other groups around the world. I am so proud of myself for this accomplishment. Also I got to go to the National Alliance of Peer Specialists Conference last week. Truly enjoyed myself and got to meet the people that I have spent the last year getting to know by phone and email, it was truly a great pleasure, not just to be recognized by this amazing group of people but to see the differences I have made in others lives. Like I have ben saying all a long: I didn't find this job, it found me. Thank you Karma!

August 12, I was in a car accident. The people hit my truck at 70 miles an hour and did $3269.54 in damage to my truck. Thankfully they bounced off the spare tire under my truck and knocked them backwards 100 feet or so, otherwise we all might have been hurt worse then we all were. Totaled their Toyota. The migraines that I have been getting since then are HELL though! I even think I might have to take my Revvie to the Vet and have him looked at since he was thrown around in the back seat. Also my Uncle Lennie passed away and there has been a few other issues I have had this month. August hasn't been a nice month for me!

Oh well time to run and head to work now, but before I go I have one more thing to write: my gratitude list....

1) I am grateful for the accomplishments that I am making.
2) I am grateful for all the people that find strength in my accomplishments.
3) I am grateful for the love and support my mom has shown me!
4) I am grateful for what my higher power has helped me achieve.
5) I am grateful everyday for the work I am doing.

Bah Humbug? I think not.

Normally this time of year, my Bipolar is at full rage. This is the time of year where I do truly STUPID things and while I can't control them now, I always regret them later. This is also when I normally uncontrollably cut due to being in full rage. This week has brought on some major issues that normally would have sent me over the top, but yet they didn't. Which really goes to show me that I am TRULY doing better then I thought I was.

For starters I found out I am now diabetic. Now normally this would send people into a tailspin and they would flip out thinking it is the end of the world. I didn't though. I took it with a grain of salt and rolled with it. My doctor was actually surprised at how calm I was, so needless to say I shocked her as well. LOL. I am now on a very low calorie diet (probably to low actually), a strict exercise regime, and have to poke and stick 3 times a day. Give me 6 months and I will be on my way to not needing the medicines!

The second thing that happened to me this week is that I had to quit my job. I LOVED that job! But for those of you who know where I work, you also know I was crazy for doing it. I was driving 2 hours each way for work, staying in a hotel while down there, then coming home when my work was done. I was paying my work to go to work when medicaid cut our consumers hours. So I knew it was time to let go and tell them I wouldn't be returning. I did tell them that I wouldn't quit if they could get me a minimum of 25 hours as that would cover my gas and hotel, but they couldn't do it. So all the money I have put into my training will sit and collect dust until I can find another job like the one I had. I adored my job so I do hope I don't stay off work to long. I am hoping they will pick me up for the Raleigh office! Keep your fingers crossed please.

I have too much passion to be a unemployed Peer Specialist! LOL

And I haven't cracked or cut!

The final thing that happened this week is that our heater decided it was done working. The heater chose the coldest week it could to stop heating. So I have been hiding in my room with my dog and my Iguana like the insane Aunt no one wants the rest of the family to find. LOL. We went 3 days with no heat and below freezing temperatures before it got fixed, only to break down again. It is now up and running and trying to heat the house. I am still bundled under 2 coats. LOL

And I'm still in good spirits!

By now, my Bipolar or hell even my Borderline Personality Disorder would have kicked my ass, but this  time around, I am very PROUD of myself for not letting it. For me this year has been a terrific year filled with many new beginnings, a lot of peacefulness, and healing like I never knew before. I'll write about it in my year end blog, so stay close by. I have met many who have helped me more then they realize or could even begin to know and I am very thankful for those people.

Reach out and get the help you need, it may surprise you where it comes from. Oh and if you haven't, be sure to check out my Recovery Blog! I am even in the process of starting my own business. So yes it has been a POWERFUL year!!!!

Lets get back to my grateful list:

1. I am grateful being able to wake up each morning
2. This morning I am grateful for heat
3. I am grateful for my family (wow did I just say that? LOL)
4. I am grateful that school is almost done and I will be a sophmore
5. I am grateful for being able to share this will you all instead of hiding in my misery. Thank You!

Past Pleasures Reborn

It would seem that I had lost my love for many things, simple things you might say. But with each passing day I find that I am hunting them down again, unknown to myself and my thinking.

For instance;

When I lived in Georgia I had this beautiful window over the kitchen sink that I loved to spend time each morning looking out over the Pecan grove and a hundred year old oak tree. The squirrels would jump and play from branch to branch, birds would hunt for food in the fresh cut grass and the wildflowers that grew,  little wild lizards basking in the sun, and the cats would play hell trying to catch my frolicking morning creatures. I could and did stand there for hours with my morning cup of tea just taking it all in. I had forgotten that pleasure until this morning. While I didn't have my cup of tea, I was able to sit on my patio furniture watching the squirrels jump from pine tree to pine tree. I also noticed my favorite 2 cardinals chasing each other through the trees. Boy what a pleasure that was!

I found love with a swing in my yard. I would sit there for hours watching my puppy play, the kittens in the yard trying to catch his tail. I would watch butterflies delicately kiss the flowers as they flew above them. Then nightfall would come and I would lay in my swing, looking up at the stars, and create my own name for them (a few times I may have even slept out there all night long LOL). Now I watch the butterflies in my moms yard and I sit on the front porch looking at at the moon each night just wondering.

Last summer when I lived in Maine each night after I closed the Restaurant I would sit out on the picnic table staring out over the ocean watching the seagulls and hoping for the chance to catch a fish jumping out of the water as the boats in the harbor rocked against the sparkling blue waters. Now I find the simple pleasure as I drive to work everyday of Herons fishing in ponds.

In Georgia I had these little lizards that would drive the cats crazy. LOL. Me as well since I loved to play with them. I could be standing there doing dishes and they would run out from behind the cupboards chasing after a fly. Now I am rescuing Iguanas again. Course my step-dad isn't happy, but I am and that is all that matters. LOL

The point to all of this is that when we are at our worst and need to find our happy spots again, look to the past and see what made you happy. Then find a way to make a new happiness for yourself. As I was writing this, I noticed most of my happiness came when I was in Georgia and I think I now know why. I had 2 amazing friends when I lived there and they couldn't have been further apart in their differences.. They are what kept me going, they are the ones who helped me find my happiness. While neither are really in my life anymore (due to my own stupid mistakes), they are both with me everywhere I go through my heart and soul and memories. I find something that reminds me of them daily.

Regain your pleasures. Do not give up on yourself!

Back to my gratitude list being as I haven't done it in many months.

1) I am grateful for this goofy dog trying to sit on my lap as I write this blog post. LOL

2) I am grateful for the baby iguana that I was able to rescue before he got any worse sick wise.

3) I am grateful for the fact that I am not a big sister and my little sister thinks I'm the greatest thing next to the invention of grilled cheese.

4) I am grateful for the few friends I have and the ones I have had over the past and have been able to reconnect with.

5) I am grateful for the memories I have, good and bad.

Depression sinks in again....

It snuck up on me again. This is the second time in a month that I have been so depressed that I have thought about it 3 times now. Self-mutilating that is.

Things were looking up so awesomely to the point that my mom and grammy felt I was taking on to much. I admit I might have been but I was holding my own, till 2 weeks ago. I took a job 2 hours away from home and was driving the 4 hour round trip daily, until I got a call from a Raleigh Mental Health office offering me a position. SO obviously I quit the long commute and took the shorter one. Well the new company hasn't used me once, but yet they sure as hell have charged me for the training that they have made me take. I'm officially indebted to my new company for $350.00 and have yet to work a day at this point. Can we say cracking #1.

Cracking #2 is that I bought my training manuals, need to make 3 copies of the student manual and 1 copy of the teaching manual plus copies of all the hand outs that I will be using. The kid at the copy center told me it would be about 5 cents since I was getting so many copies, went to pick them up and bam!, triple the price that was quoted. I had counted on 40 bucks, instead it cost me $164.95. I'm in fucking hell by now. Can't afford the cost of the printings and they won't return my manuals till I pay for the copies. The good thing is that they are printed so that when I do get them back, all I have to do is put them together, send them in, wait 10 weeks, and pray they approve them so that I can teach Peer Support Specialist Training.

Anyone know where I can get a loan? LOL

I did apply for a Pepsi Refresh grant, it goes live July first and you can bet I will put a link on my blog so that people can vote for it. I want to train 100 people who would otherwise have no hope at getting a job do something that would be very rewarding to them in the long run, become a PSS. With so many budget cuts, many people have lost their services who were doing so well with the help. Medicare is finally getting ready to pass a definition for the PSS job which will create hundreds of jobs across the state and many other states are following suit since we don't cost as much as an RN or CSAC would. This grant would pay for their manuals, to attend the class for free instead of having to find ways to cover the costs, and so much more. So please when I put the link up, take a minute and vote for my organization.

Cracking #3 would be the fact that my truck payment is coming up soon, again thanks to the job not working me, I don't have it. Cracking #4 is the fact that last month I lost my MAC, got it back by putting it on layaway for double what I lost it for, and now I don't have that payment either. SO needless to say, I am hanging on by a tiny thread that has unraveled down to less then one and it's ready to break.

Why does everything revolved around money? It seems like most days, that is what causes much of my depression. I live with my mom and have paid her 50 bucks in 9 months even though I do contribute my food stamps to the house, but I hate that I can't pay her more since my step-dad doesn't work either, but at least I'm trying.

My grandma told me today that I am her "HOPE", making me feel like royal shit! So when she asked me how I have been doing I just smiled and said "ok grandma". Of course they have been expecting me to get this way, I just don't show them, nor do I let them in on my depression because there isn't anything they can do about it. They hold me to such high standards that I have set myself, that I feel like an even bigger failure when I let them down. I almost went over to the Durham Center today and checked myself in, that how close I am. Hell I still might. I have not had to be institutionalized in 13 years and I feel I am coming that close right now.

I hope everyone has a great day!

Bullies and Bullying

Growing up I was always the "outcast" kid in school or the neighborhood. I was overweight and I was being abused at home and my other safe zones so I had issues with wanting to fit in. For me fitting in meant doing stupid shit to get people to laugh or accept me, it meant trying things I normally wouldn't have done, and it meant bullying other kids like me to get people to accept me. I was fighting for attention more matter what it took to get it.

By being bullied at home; sexually, mentally, and psychically, it made me reach out to people in the worst ways. I HAD to be accepted! I HAD this need to feel liked or loved no matter what it took to happen.  I just had a need that I wanted filled, so I bullied. Bullying others for me was something that came naturally, I was simply put, BIGGER then almost all the other kids I went to school with.

Men have always scared the hell out of me, so I LET them bully me! But then you have the ones who let me bully them, (and I do). Normally when I start bullying them it means they are on my nerves and I want away from them at all costs.

I mostly bullied people for the attention it got me, good or bad. I didn't think nothing of having Bipolar or Borderline Personality Disorder, no mental illness ever crossed my mind when I would be doing this. However, to all the people I have ever bullied; I am truly truly sorry for doing it. It was wrong of me and yes it took me this long to realize that and to see I had other issues that needed dealt with.

But the person I bully the most, is ME. I am always bullying myself to be a better person, when I see my faults, when my negativity hits the surface, and even when it comes to being in a relationship. So I guess I am still a big bully, just from a different angle now. How does one get over this act towards themselves? I am working on that answer. LOL

My 5 grateful things for today are:

1) I am grateful that my grammy's dog harry will be ok.
2) I am grateful for the sun shining and the flowers blooming.
3) I am grateful that I have yet to break down since leaving DBT. Guess that makes me strong after all!
4) I am grateful for getting to help the homeless tomorrow.
5) I am grateful for my vision wall to help me through my tough times.

Negative, with a Positive Twist

We all reflect on the negative things in life, but for those of us who suffer from a Mental Illness, such as Bipolar Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress, Borderline Personality Disorder,  Major Depression, it can be hard to let go of all the negative things that have happened in our lives either directly to use or surrounding us.

The road to recovery begins by starting to let the feelings of negativity go.

Your probably saying to yourself right now that I'm crazy for even suggesting it, but trust me I'm not. When you let go of the negative and put your energy in another direction, things might not look totally out of this world awesome, but they will slowly start to improve!

I read a hell of a lot of blogs and messages on boards through out each day and the thing that grabs me the most of each message is the negativity (yes even on my blog). You'd think it would be the person's need for help or attention that would grab me the most, but it's not, it the negative reflections that they have on themselves or their lives.

One thing I have learned from my DBT group, if anything, is that surrounding myself with to much negativity kills me, even when it comes from myself. It makes me want to cut, get depressed, or whatever. But it does kill me. Trust me, too much positivity makes me want to puke also. LOL. So I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Where do we find a happy medium?

I have a quote on my vision wall that I read daily, I'll put it here to share with you all. It inspires me to become a better person.

The most inspirational thing in life is a person who has overcome obstacles and hardships. Norman Vincent Peale

I adore that quote! Just something about it makes me WANT to succeed in my recovery and stick to it!

I know its a hard thing to do, but try to think positive and at some point it will all start to click. Don't reflect on the negative if you can help it.....

5 Things I am Grateful for today....

1) My vision wall! It helps me see the positive when all I want is the negative.
2) Wet puppy kisses and loving when all I want to do is curl up and cry
3) Books that take my mind off the dark places.
4) Birds chirping to remind me I'm alive.
5) For being able to go swimming when all I wanted to do was hide away.

Working, Hoping, Praying....

I find myself longing for a job this morning! Something I haven't felt in years.

I want to help other's who are in the same boat I am and for the most part I can't help them till I complete Peer Support training, my Psychology degree or some other means to obtain that job. I finally found a Peer Support Specialist Training group over in Winston Salem, but they charge $250.00 bucks for their course and with my truck payment coming up, I just don't have that kind of cash. It crushes me to feel that helpless!

Besides that blow, this week ended my individual therapy and my group therapy. Again, I am crushed! I was really starting to like both and feel they were finally beginning to help me. Sure I can go back, if I'm in CRISIS mode!!! Which really fucking sucks. Why should someone have to be in crisis mode to get the help they need? The way I see it, if someone is trying to get the help to make their life better, BEFORE THEY GO INTO CRISIS MODE, doesn't it make more sense to help them then as well if they are reaching out for it?

I so am beginning to hate the government more and more when it comes to getting the healthcare help I need!

If I won the lottery, one of the first things I would do is open a pro-bono mental health facility, a grant writer, and a staff who has the same love that I do for mental health. Kind of like Patch Adam of the mental health world. LOL

I have big dreams, big ideas, and I finally see that if I put my mind to something I CAN DO IT! LOL. Never thought I'd hear that come out of my mouth.

I swear I'm not have a Borderline Personality issue,  I'm not in manic mode, and I'm not having grandiose ideas (except for wanting to win the lottery). I'm not having ay of these, I swear. These are just ideas that I have for the future and at some point in my life I just want to see happen. I want to help those who are worse off then me recover, have some form of life, or begin to live again. I'm not trying to cure the world, I just want to help the world. This is my way of being the people pleaser that I know I am, with a catch; to help myself along the way.

5 things I am Grateful for today......

1) To be in recovery and realize that I have actually been for the past 6 years.
2) To finally accept that I am a good person and that I can do great things!
3) That I have a wonderful and supporting mother, even if I don't tell her.
4) That I actually finished the first quarter of school with out dropping out!!!! YIPEE!!!!!
5) For the kisses that wake me up every morning, from my puppy telling me he has to go outside. LMAO

Fighting the Fight, one at a time...

I have decided that it is time to fight only ONE battle at a time instead of trying to take on all of them at once. There for I have chosen to fight my Borderline Personality Disorder since I know it is something I can CHOOSE to recover from, the Bipolar I'll have the rest of my life (like it or not, since it is chemical in-balanced). I know I will never be 100% normal, but then what exactly is normal and who the hell defines who or what is normal.

Being in the hospital last night for 9 hours really gives you time to think and think away I did. I realized, analyzed, and contemplated everything in my life that could change for the better and decided what I could and couldn't throw out. I decided that while I am taking a very big hand in my own recovery, I'm overwhelming myself by taking on to much at once. I'm trying to recover from my Borderline Personality Disorder, go to group and other therapies, take care of my grandmother, go to school, babysit all the adults in the house, figure out my Bipolar Disorder, and so much more. Something will have to go away! I have decided that since I'm on Bipolar medication and that seems to be stabilizing out, that my Bipolar can sit on the shelf for now and I'll keep taking the medication. Babysitting the adults will have to go to! They should be able to take care of themselves, course they might like that idea, but OH WELL.

Speaking of the other adults, I have noticed that I as I am in the process of my recovery, learning new ways to control my emotions, and sticking up for myself, that they have a tendency to get very pissy and defensive. THEY DO NOT LIKE THE RECOVERING LORI!! LOL. Do you honestly think I care? Nope! I am truly starting to like her and that just makes me happier then a clam in a cream sauce!

Recovery: is the process of gaining control over one's life - and the direction one wants that life to go - on the other side of a Psychiatric diagnosis.

I love that definition of Recovery! It fits me to a "T". Granted I will always be in recovery in one form or another, but who says I can't have control over MY life! It pisses me off to see those that I love and respect sitting around, doing nothing with their lives or not doing a damn thing to improve upon their lives or their condition what ever it may be. But do I get mad enough to cut or throw temper tantrums? Not anymore! (cheering section please)

Dr. Munching has upped my Anxiety pills though to where I am now taking them daily and as needed. I feel he did this as I am feeling whatever causes my anxiety even more as opposed to where I used to hide under the rug. So in my mind, even though I'm taking more pills, this is a good thing as it means I am "feeling" more!

Ok enough ranting for today! LOL

5 Things that I am Grateful for:

1) That I did not have a heart attack last night!
2) That I do feel I am in Recovery and am Happy about it.
3) That my son chose to call me at 3am last night cause he needed help.
4) That mom made it home safely from Seattle.
5) That I have one week of school left and I had a awesome Semester!

The long road to recovery....

My Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is almost done. I have 3 weeks left and Triumph is trying to transition me out of the group with just 3 individual therapy sessions left. I'm scared but I know I can over come my Borderline Personality Disorder if I put my mind to it. I have the tools to help myself now, I just have to use them and put them in place, which will be the hardest for me. We made "toolboxes" last friday in class. They are kind of cool actually! Now I just have to remember to pull them out when things get tough and remind myself that I am better then I "in the moment" might think I'm not. We took a envelope and 8 strips of paper and wrote encouraging things on them.

The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide

Recovery: the process of gaining control over one's life- and the direction one wants life to go- on the other side of a Psychiatric diagnosis.

Hope is the belief that one has both the ability and the opportunity to engage in the RECOVERY PROCESS 

Sharonda informed me that if and when I do get medicaid more services will open up for me at Triumph. I'm depressed about leaving there as I need help controlling my Bipolar most days and while they would hope that this type of counseling would work with Bipolar, I don't feel it has. So the Bipolar will go untreated except by medication at this time. Technically since I don't have insurance or cash I don't even have the funds for all of my medications, heart medication included.

If you haven't noticed, I tend to call my Metal Health issues and all my other medical issues "my or mine". I do this so that it will take effect that I have these issues, they are mine to deal with and that I can over come them. We can all over come them or get on the road to recovery if we put our mind to it or choose to want to recover.

Sometimes I Act Crazy: Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

Mom and I went to Wellness City on Saturday to check it out. It seems like a great place and I do hope they live up to it. They are already talking about me teaching a few cooking classes, but I'm also thinking I can teach gardening, learning the computer, web design, and a few other classes. I'm trying to take over and I haven't even technically started yet. LOL. I start at Wellness City tonight, I'm scared shitless! However Mom said she is going to join with me, but we shall see. She needs the help and support just like I do and I think that us working together will be a tremendous advantage that most don't have.

One great thing about going to Wellness City is that I will be able to take the WRAP (Wellness Recovery and Planning) classes that I need to become a Peer Support Specialist. I honestly feel that I have found my calling here. FINALLY!!! LOL. I was telling Sharonda all about my ideas and thats when she suggested becoming a Peer Support Specialist till I get my Psychology degree. So I came home and instantly started looking into becoming one. I have to be certified in the state of North Carolina, which as usual means cash, 40 hours of training, and 20 hours of WRAP class. Well I don't have the cash to get my certification yet, but I know if I want it bad enough, it will eventually happen. This is something I am VERY good at doing, HELPING OTHERS. I might have a hard time helping myself, but I am damn good at helping other people! 

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder

Currently I am trying to stay busy as hell. It's working, but it's also making me forgetful and making me not want to start something new or finish what I have started. So it is all confusing! School has been getting tougher and tougher, (not that I would expect it to get any easier), but I have been pulling nothing but 100% which fucking blows me away! I never did this damn good in school. I'm very excited by this, but at the same time I do have my doubts and dis-beliefs.

5 things I am grateful for:

1. The ability to partially start over on my road to recovery.
2. When I need them, I have wonderful friends who will help me through these different processes.   Thank you Mom, Larry, and Melissa!
3. I am very grateful for the fact that I have a dog who knows when I need a pillow, a tissues for my crying spells, or even a gentle lick on the hand to let me know he is there for me.
4. For finally realizing my abilities to help others.
5. Having the courage to start living my life again, THE WAY I WANT TOO!

Till another day!

Ready to Crack

For the most part I am a wonderfully happy person, who cherishes the Holidays. Yesterday and today I am a derangged animal waiting to be let out to terrorize people. Mainly my fucking step-father who cant seem to find it in that fucked up head of his to shut the fuck up for the first time in his life. The comments he makes are annoying,he criticizes everything and everyone, he is a rude person, he knows everything, and always has the noise up on his computer so he can hear this loud screaching noise every once in a while. I can hear him over my head phones and its driving me insane. I can not deal with him this year! Why doesn't his ass just go back on the road!

Normally I try to keep the peace for my moms sake. But he is really pushing my limits since he has been home. I was doing so damn good controling my temper to, but now all I want to do is smack the hell out of him. I really wish she would find her a different man, but for some reason she loves him and keeps him around. Mom did a nice thing and bought me a head set yesterday, as she knows I don't need his sarcastic mouth talking to me. He is critcal of everything.

Note to bloggers; Some who is an Associopath and Someone with Bipolar DO NOT MIX WELL

My Willingness and Willfulness Life

These two confuse the hell out of me, because I am both. But yes I am one more then the other, I'll let you figure them out. Maybe I'll place a poll on my blog just to see what you think the answer is.

I am one of those people who will put a smile on their face, and go do whatever is asked of them, no matter how much I don't want to. I spend 99% of my life taking care of others, when damn it, I want someone who wants to help "take care" of me. I put it that way because I am a big girl, I don't need someone watching over me and micro managing my life. I do know how to do things, I just NEED to be loved. I NEED a partner who wants to work with me. I NEED to stop taking care of every one all the time and let a lot of the people find their own life and stop spoiling them. Damn I need someone to spoil me for a change. LOL

First Thing I am grateful for: ( I will mix them in as I go)

1) I am grateful for the fact I can be myself no matter who likes or don't like it.

Do I know how too true I feel that is? No I don't. While I could care less what people think of me, I for some reason go out of my way to make sure they like me. I hate that I do that. I have this knack, this need to make sure everyone thinks I'm better then I feel I am. Bad form Lori!

1) I am submissive to friends and family. I go out of my way to please them. My mom tells me all the time I don't have to serve her, but I feel like I can never do enough for her. Same with my grandma, she tells me I don't need to come see her everyday, but I feel I owe her more then that. They are now in a small battle about who wants me to live where the most. LOL. My grandma is 84 and can not live by herself due to her falling, stroke, and her being frail. They both tell me how grateful they are for my help, I feel like a lap dog waiting to be petted or scratched behind the ears.

2) I have to have everything my way or I get pissy. I once told a guy, "no matter how wrong I am, I'm always right!" LOL. I hate to be proved wrong or admit when I am wrong, but then who doesn't. By being told I am wrong, I feel like I am stupid and boy does that piss me right the fuck off. Even when I'm wrong, I'm right.

3) I can't stand rejection, in any form. My father rejects me from his life and that all but kills me. It makes me feel so unworthy.

4) When people tell me what a good job I  have done, I feel like they are bullshitting me. I feel like they are trying to appease me to make themselves feel better or that they have some form of a hidden agenda. I hate that I can't take people at their word and accept it for what it is. My buddy "L" says sometimes I need to accept things for what they are and leave it at that. I can not do this as I am such an inquisitive person.

5)If things dont seem to be going my way, I make drama to get my way. The things I do vary by the level of me wanting something.

Went to see Dr. Satter today, she of course wanted to know why my PDoc put me on a medicine that can cause heart attacks and strokes when I have a history of both. Se then preceeded to write out the scripts I need for my medicine. Why in the hell she would do that is beyond me as I don't have the $302.00 to get them and I told her so. Good thing my Psych Medicine so far is available as a sample as I priced it today and it was over $400.00 for a months supply.

6) I am vindictful. I will pay people back for wrong doing. But here is the sad part:  They might not have been the ones to do anything to me. Someone can piss me off, I will feel threatened, and I'll take it out on the wrong person. Most days I feel like everyone is out to get me. So I retaliate on everyone.

7) I have an opinion about everything, right or wrong. Doesn't matter if I know what I'm talking about or not, I still have that opinion and I share it with everyone.

8) I get so sick of taking crap from everyone. With my family its, "Oh grammy's sick, I don't want to take care of her, so you go do it Lori". Fuck You! I took care of my great-grammy, she died in my arms cause her own kids didn't want to take care of her. Thats what I see happening with my grammy now. My uncle stays in his state, Auntie comes home from Canada when need be, my mom has a job and works so I feel I need to lift the burden for her.

9) Im intelligent, don't use it or know how to channel it. I'm creative, but again don't know how to use it or channel it. Nothing I do in my mind is good enough or right. It's a hell I play with myself.

More Grateful Statements....

2) I am grateful for the ability to read. I think if I couldn't read, I'd go nuts, oh wait I am partially nuts anyway. LOL

3) I am grateful for the ability to cook. If it weren't for my cooking skills, half the people I know wouldn't gain weight while with me. LOL

4) I am grateful for being able to be accomidating for those around me.

5) I am grateful for the fact that I am lovable.

Bipolar Makes the World Go Round

Today is one of those days when everything just feels "blah", if you know what I mean. DBT Group sucked as usual, my life sucks as usual, I'm a broke biotch, and I lack in ambition. Ah but then who doesn't. LOL. At least I still have my humor and that is what counts.

Talked my girl "M" today and I flat out told her I was a negative Nellie. LOL. She came back with different names for. I'll just flat out say what it is to me. But yea know, as much as shit sucks right now, I am still smiling and laughing. To me that's what counts. I know I need to be positive for positive things to happen, but truthfully no one can be positive 24/7 and still be sane. LOL

On a positive note, I asked for something outloud from my buddy, and I got it from another person unexpected. That to me was a shock and it got me to thinking about the laws of attraction and if they were really true or not.

Law of Attraction: The Science of Attracting More of What You Want and Less of What You Don't

Its hard to believe that something so simple could happen like that. If the Law of Attraction is true, why do so many people lead such negetive lives. Something for me to ponder on, as if I dont think about enough deep shit. LOL.

Mom and i rented a very bad movie tonight, I had a hard time keeping my mind on it. But as I was sitting there letting it wander off, I decided to try one of the exercises that I learned in Group and that is when your mind wanders off like that, rein it back in to what you are doing at that point. What I found is, while I can rein it back in, my mind seems to be thinking of itself and wanders off again. In the 2 hours it took to watch that movie, I ended up pulling myself back to it about evey 5 minutes. Tough, but I did it. Makes you wonder if someone might actually know what their talking about. LOL. I'm sure over time and with proper training I will be able to get my mind on the right track. Don't get me wrong, I bet on the occasion my mind will do what it wants, regardless of what I want, but that won't matter any more as I will know how to control it.

I haven't had a thought in my head about cutting lately. Sure the urge is always there, but I have to have the desire if I am going to do something like that and self mutilating has not been on my agenda. I realy don't feel like bleeding right now, sure I could use a good self mutilating session, but thats not where I want to be. I want to be free of mutilating, free of the pain I have afterward, free of the mindset, free of the mess I have to clean up later on down the road. I DON'T WANT TO SELF MUTILATE ANY MORE!!!!!!! On the truth side of things, I know it's not gone from my life, but I know I will beat the 3 years I was clean of self mutilating. I have that strength, that power! I control me, not my cutting.

The Attraction Distraction: Why the Law of Attraction Isn't Working for You and How to Get Results - 

My grateful list tonight includes:

1) I am grateful for wonderful friends. I am up to 3 now. LOL. I'm growing in numbers.
2) I'm grateful for the Christmas Miracle that happened today with positive thinking.
3) I'm grateful for the fact I get to go back to school.
4) I'm grateful that things are looking up for me with my DBT Group.
5) I'm gratefrul for the fact tomorrow I get to take Grammy to get her hair done. LOL.

Have to throw the funny ones in there a time or two. LOL. Okay serious thought now: Wonder if Santa will bring me my Christmas wishes, after all I have been semi naughty this year. LOL. Please Santa, I need that gym membership!

To write another day!!!

Yes Virginia, there is a Santa.

I didn't think I was going to have a Christmas, matter of fact, I could have cared less if we even had one. Normally I put up all my Christmas decorations the day after Thanksgiving, this year I didn't. Hell, I don't even have my Christmas decorations here. LOL. Most are at my ex-husband's house and the rest are in Georgia where I know they are in good hands, so I couldn't have put them up even if I wanted to.

Well I was sitting around today and was thinking about Christmas and how I couldn't buy or even make people anything, I couldn't send my son anything and was getting severely depressed. The more I thought about it the madder and depressed I got.

The Original Christmas Classics (Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer/Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town/Frosty the Snowman/Frosty Returns/Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol/Little Drummer Boy/Cricket on the Hearth)

Then I remembered what Christmas is really all about. So I pulled mom off the computer, told her what I wanted to do and we started going through the house finding all her Christmas decorations. Since my mom isn't a decorating person, this was a hard task. LOL. Then I had an even bigger idea: we couldn't afford a tree this year due to her financial problems and me not having money period, so I went out in her from yard and cut down one of her fir trees (she lives in the city so you can imagine what her neighbors thought, but we didn't care) with a circular saw my step dad probably has never used. LOL. We took two boards, criss-crossed them, then nailed them into the bottom of the tree, viola, our own Charlie Brown tree was up, just needed decorations. So again I went off hunting for them, finally found some in one closet and the rest under her clothes in her bedroom closet.

A Charlie Brown Christmas (Remastered Deluxe Edition)

But Christmas isn't about trees, decorations, cooking mass meals, and giving gifts. It's about miracles, giving, and celebration. I had forgotten that. I am used to being the one that made sure everyone was taken care of, but Lori. Hell until last Christmas I hadn't even seen a gift for myself in over 10 years, so it's not about "what about me", to me it was, "what can I do for everyone else". Then my thinking started to change, in big ways. I've started looking for the positive in things, to see that things do happen for a reason.

Miracles, do happen, yes even to me. For this is so amazing to me.

Not only did I get into the Christmas spirit, the heat on my truck got fixed and for pennies, I am finally getting the help I need for my Bipolar Disorder, my grandma is getting better by the day, I haven't cut in 8 days, my son is actually being a son, all my friends are in good health and happy, and I am on the right path to recover.

These are the greatest gifts I could ask for this Holiday Season. Thank You Santa!

1) I am grateful that things have their own way of working out for the best.

2) I am grateful for the Christmas Tree we got today and all the decorations we put up.

3) I am grateful for my totally awesome friends! All 2 of you know who you are. LOL

4) I am grateful to the cat who hide under my truck because he is afraid of the bully indoor cat, he makes me   smile.

5) I am grateful for the fact that I am starting a path of recovery I could have only imagined.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and I hope you find your own Christmas Miracle. I wish you and all your family a super terrific Holiday Season and an even more spectacular 2010. 

It's a Wonderful Life (60th Anniversary Edition)

Wishes and Dreams

We all spend time wishing, dreaming, and setting goals. But how many of us put ourselves out there to accomplish any of them? I know for a fact I am one who will set them, start them, but never follow through with them. Sometimes I ask myself why do I do this; it's not because I'm lazy, it's not because I'm not a focused person, it's not because I choose not to. I comes down to the simple fact that I don't have faith in myself. I don't have the faith to move forward as I want these. I don't have the faith to become the person I so choose to be.

I focus mainly on the "what if's" , the "how's" , and the "why's". I argue with myself about if something will work or not. With my Bipolar it is hard for me to stay focused on one thing only. My Bipolar also doesn't allow me to push forward unless I'm in my manic state, then I push forward the wrong way and do bad things most of the time. I hate it! I hate that I can't find a way to control the urges that I have to not do something.

In my DBT group we are supposed to think in the "NOW" and learn to think things through before we do them. I have yet to find that path. I have yet to find the strength to move forward with it as my brain is set in a fog all the time. But I will. I will find the strength to move forward. I will find the desire to clear the fog in my head. I will find the desire to get the dreams, goals, and wishings accomplished. I have to.

I'm at a point where if I don't something, I will crack! I will self mutilate till I can't stop and this time I know I won't be able to stop. So far, I have fought it and will keep fighting it till there is no fight left or I defeat the urges. I have to!

My 5 things that I am greateful for today are:

1) The will to write in this blog and let others read it.
2) The strength to get through another day.
3) The strength to not self mutilate.
4) My friends and family. Those close by as well as those far away or strictkly online.
5) The dog down the street for making me laugh this morning.

Pretty good don't you think? LOL. I wish all my lists could be that easy to come through.

I live with my mom but have no job yet. There for the only cash flow I have coming in is when I find the odd job as my wreaths are no longer selling and my ebay account has been shut down due to lack of funds for me to pay their fees. There for I pine for the simple things such as Laundry Deteregent, Tampons, Toothpaste, Deodarant, and so on. I don't dare ask my family for things like this due to the fear I will lose the roof over my head because they can't afford them for themselves. Thankfully I get foodstamps to help keep the hunger off of my stomach.

Till another day......

Things I'm Greatful For

These are things that I am great full for today. I am going to try a new approach to making sure my self healing is complete. While most of my posts will still be negative more then likely, I have vowed to start fresh and move myself forward. I WILL find my sanity again!

1) My dear friends and the ones I make on a daily basis. Without them I think I would lose my sanity.
2) The ability to wake up and enjoy each new day as best as I can.
3) My Bipolar. Without it I think my life would be dull.
4) My son. While he maybe like me more and more each day, he isn't struggling to find the goodness in himself.
5) My ability to change things if I so desire.

I think 5 a day is a good start!

Where my Depression and Bipolar come from... Part two

Shortly after the time Ange started molesting me, my parents decided to call it quits and get a divorce. A very nasty divorce I might add. I can remember waking up one night to slamming doors and screaming. My brother a sleep on the bunk below me had just been woken up by it and looked to me for comfort. Trying to be the big sister that I am I can remember going to the door to look out, hearing one of my parents bitching because they blamed the other one for waking us kids up. Both then proceeded to open and close our bedroom door against the other, causing even more panic in two frightened children. Needless to say my brother and I huddled on his bunk as our parents screamed and fought with one another for countless hours before my mom finally left.

This is probably the actual start of my down fall. Mom drank heavily and smoked pot, dad was never home and us kids always seemed to be at our babysitters house. We had stayed with dad because mom had no place for us, let alone herself. This was also about the time we started being shuffled around between not only our parents but my grandparents and Aunt during the summer and holidays.

My dad was and still is a work-aholic. So he wasn't around except to coach my brother at sports. For me, my brother could do no wrong, while everything I did was wrong. My dad is a man's man and nothing changes that one bit. Course then we learned of his current girlfriend and I think that added some resentment to me considering I still wanted my mom.

My mom got heavely into drinking and hoping from place to place. It was at one of her places that we met her current boyfriend. "T" would play nice when other adults where around, but once they were gone we would be all done for.

We had this huge cabinet in our room that we had laid down on the floor to use as a toy box. He would put us in there for hours in the dark and only take us out right before our mom got home. Mom worked for a remodeling company so she had to do evening and weekend appointments, leaving us with "T". I can remember being sick one night mom had to work and being at her house, so she had to leave us with "T". After beating our asses severely for lord knows what, he placed us in the box, told us not to move or make a noise, turned off the lights and shut the door. I was vomiting, coughing terribly, and running a fever, but I was in the box still. He would get that way with us on and off over the time him and mom dated.

This is how my childhood went for years. My brother and I going back and forth between parents on the weekends, basically living with the babysitter till dad would get off work, then start all over again. Not to bad right? Wrong!

I can't do this today so I will pick up on it more tomorrow. Till then....Peaceful dreams....

Where my Depression and Bipolar come from..... Part One

First off, I know my Bipolar isn't where my thought and things in my life come from. However my thoughts, feelings, and the reason I do things come from all that your about to read and my Bipolar feeds off of this......

The first time Ange molested me, I would have been between the age of 4-6 years old. We would spend the night at his house with our friends who might only come in on the weekends, so not only did he molest me, but my brother and cousins as well as his great nieces and nephews. We all let this go on for I'd say another 8 years or so before someone finally reported him.

I don't fucking understand how someone to do that to lord knows how many kids for however many years and no one ever said a word! He fucking played cards or ate dinner with my family almost night, we would go on camping excursions with him and yet not one adult knew. No one even questioned why over time I refused to be alone with him or to even been near him. How can not one fucking person see that?

Yes I'm mad! I'm mad at the fact my Grandparents never caught on. I'm mad at me for letting it continue to go on (but when your 7 how in the hell can you tell anyone something like that). I'm sure as hell mad at Ange for doing it. Hell I might even be mad at the rest of us kids for not opening their mouths. I'm mad because my dad didn't save me. Oh fuck, I could keep going on and on at who I am mad at, but the point is, "I'm mad as hell", still to this day!

When Grampy found out what Ange had done to his Grandchildren, he wanted to kill him. Gramps grabbed his gun and started to head down the lake, only to be stopped by my grammy. When I was 15 or so, after all this came out, I can remember sitting across the table from my Grammy and listening to her tell me that she "was in love with him". Him, being the bastard who molested her grandkids! That right there made me even more furious. To this day I know I hold it against her and probably always will as she has never once apologized for what she allowed to happen to all of us.

We have no idea to know just how many kids Ange ruined by his actions as he has long since passed away. He was out alone on a snowmobile trail and had a heart attack. I could have only wished for a more violent death for him as he ever only got probation and time served for the fucking mess he caused us kids. Many lives have been ruined by this man, just how many I'll never no as none of us talk about it.

Well I will leave here for the time being and continue this journey tomorrow. After writing this I feel some weight has lifted from my shoulders, but at the same time it's still there as the people I want to say these things too, I can't.  So yes some of the weight is still there!