Working, Hoping, Praying....

I find myself longing for a job this morning! Something I haven't felt in years.

I want to help other's who are in the same boat I am and for the most part I can't help them till I complete Peer Support training, my Psychology degree or some other means to obtain that job. I finally found a Peer Support Specialist Training group over in Winston Salem, but they charge $250.00 bucks for their course and with my truck payment coming up, I just don't have that kind of cash. It crushes me to feel that helpless!

Besides that blow, this week ended my individual therapy and my group therapy. Again, I am crushed! I was really starting to like both and feel they were finally beginning to help me. Sure I can go back, if I'm in CRISIS mode!!! Which really fucking sucks. Why should someone have to be in crisis mode to get the help they need? The way I see it, if someone is trying to get the help to make their life better, BEFORE THEY GO INTO CRISIS MODE, doesn't it make more sense to help them then as well if they are reaching out for it?

I so am beginning to hate the government more and more when it comes to getting the healthcare help I need!

If I won the lottery, one of the first things I would do is open a pro-bono mental health facility, a grant writer, and a staff who has the same love that I do for mental health. Kind of like Patch Adam of the mental health world. LOL

I have big dreams, big ideas, and I finally see that if I put my mind to something I CAN DO IT! LOL. Never thought I'd hear that come out of my mouth.

I swear I'm not have a Borderline Personality issue,  I'm not in manic mode, and I'm not having grandiose ideas (except for wanting to win the lottery). I'm not having ay of these, I swear. These are just ideas that I have for the future and at some point in my life I just want to see happen. I want to help those who are worse off then me recover, have some form of life, or begin to live again. I'm not trying to cure the world, I just want to help the world. This is my way of being the people pleaser that I know I am, with a catch; to help myself along the way.

5 things I am Grateful for today......

1) To be in recovery and realize that I have actually been for the past 6 years.
2) To finally accept that I am a good person and that I can do great things!
3) That I have a wonderful and supporting mother, even if I don't tell her.
4) That I actually finished the first quarter of school with out dropping out!!!! YIPEE!!!!!
5) For the kisses that wake me up every morning, from my puppy telling me he has to go outside. LMAO

When your heart is without a "HOME"; Maine

It has been 6 months since I left my home in Maine.

I am in hell here in NC!

Maine seems so far away, but so near my grasp. I miss the hell out of my adopted state! Granted, I was only there for 5 months, but it felt like a life time to me. A place where I want to hang my hat when I grow up. That's home to me!

I have spent most of 2009 circling from Georgia to Maine and every where in between more then once. A lost nomad looking for her way to find her happiness. I have had no clue where I've been or where I've been headed, but I've finally found some of my happiness. If you had told me years ago that I needed to be out in the open mountain air, I would have laughed at you and told you that you were crazy, but today, I now know that it is exactly where I need to be. Many people over the years have asked me, "if you could live anywhere, where would it be". I have always answered "my grandma's cabin. Nice secluded camp nestled back in the brush amongst the hills in Northern Ontario. But now it would come in a tie between there and my new found love of Maine.

I miss the sound of a cold fog horn blowing in the early morning hours crying out like a momma to her child, waking up to see the mist covering all the sights before me, the seagulls that sat on a roof top across the street from my house all lined up like little soldiers waiting to be fed, I miss seeing all the boats bobbing on the gentle ocean waves in the harbor, or the anticipation that I might catch a glimpse of a bear or moose.  Yes I miss my Maine.

I fell in love with Maine the minute I crossed the bridge into Kittery. From that moment on I was hooked!

Unstable Mind

Mindfulness and the Therapeutic Relationship

My mind is very unstable today. I don't know why as nothing is going on that would or could bring such unsettling feels. I hate these types of days, as I don't know what to do with myself. Should I go clean, crawl back into bed, or run around the block? Yea right! Like I am going to run around the block. LOL. I need this damn thing settled. These are the types of days where I just want to pull my hair out and sit in a corner and cry. I fucking can't stand them. Give me a manic day or a depressive day over this anytime!