A letter to my mental illness....
Have I ever told you how much I hate you? Yet I love you for just as many reasons.
Reasons I hate you:
1) You've taken some of my family from me
2) You've helped me ruin relationships in more than one way.
3) you've helped ruin my life in many ways: example, self-harm, theft, jail, and even by messing up in school.
4) You've helped me ruin the lives of many.
5) You've even helped me hold on to relationships that I shouldn't
6) You've help me forget who I am.
The reasons I love you:
1) You've helped me bring back some of my family
2) You've helped me make over 2000 friends in the last 2 years
3) you've taken my life in a whole new direction (Thank You!)
4) You've helped me see that I am not Hopeless and that I am a good person.
5) Thanks to you I have made some great friends in life and experience some amazing relationships
6) You've helped me see where I belong
7) You've helped me see who I am and who I want to be.
8) Because of you I can make someone's life a better place, as well as mine
9) Because of you I can see clearly where I was and where I need to be.
Needless to say, I am doing great where I am now, even with all of your short comings. That being said, there are still 2 people who I want in my world but they aren't, my son and my father. I need their support, yet don't have it, yet I am grateful for this in my life who are my support systems. If your reading this, you know who you are.
To date, I have started school and am almost on to my Junior year while maintaining a 4.0 (who would have ever thought? LOL), I have certificates to teach 5 different classes, and am currently working on 4 more, and will reach my goal of starting a recovery college at the rate I am going and I owe most of it to you my mental illness. Thank you for helping to push me to accomplish these tasks.
Today I am grateful for:
1) My recovery
2) my friends and the many more I will make.
3) My new life.
4) The ability to overcome my fears.
5) My friends going through recovery and them making it...
As I wander the earth in search of my peace and happiness, this is where I'll post my rants where it concerns my mental health as I discover things about my Bipolar Disorder, my Borderline Personality Disorder, and other medical issues. Here is where you will read and explore the things I am going through.
Disclaimer
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If you are having thoughts of death or suicide, call 1–800–273–8255 (TALK), or if you need immediate assistance, call 911 or go to a hospital emergency room
"Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself" ~~Thomas Jefferson.
Showing posts with label Mom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mom. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Friday, August 26, 2011
Long Time Coming
This post with make my 100th posting. If I had kept up with it and not done my usual wondering, I would have hit this mark a long time ago!
Since chatting with you all last I have accomplished many different things, good or bad I consider them an accomplishment.
After living in my mom's home for 2 years I have finally moved into my own place. Yes I have doubted every minute that I have been here whether or not I made the right choices. By moving I no longer have my security blanket and that makes me wonder if I made the right choice or not. However, since moving, an opportunity has presented itself to make me realize that I have changed my position in my mom's eyes and that for me is a major blessing. I now know just how much she supports me and believes in me. Thank you momma and I love you dearly!
Everyday is a battle for me, no matter how good or bad I am doing. Each morning I wake up and dread the fact I have to go to work, but I go anyway due to 2 factors: 1) I have bills to pay, LOL (I think that will make anyone go to work whether or not they want to), and 2) I can't let my clients down by canceling our appointments. So everyday has become, "Force Lori to Work Day". Luckily I do know that this is the time of year when I cycle into my depression state so I know how to cope with this time of the year, but it is difficult.
On a brighter note, I am almost done with my Self-Harm program that I have spent the past few months working on. A self harm support group has agreed to try it out and test it for me, as well as a few other groups around the world. I am so proud of myself for this accomplishment. Also I got to go to the National Alliance of Peer Specialists Conference last week. Truly enjoyed myself and got to meet the people that I have spent the last year getting to know by phone and email, it was truly a great pleasure, not just to be recognized by this amazing group of people but to see the differences I have made in others lives. Like I have ben saying all a long: I didn't find this job, it found me. Thank you Karma!
August 12, I was in a car accident. The people hit my truck at 70 miles an hour and did $3269.54 in damage to my truck. Thankfully they bounced off the spare tire under my truck and knocked them backwards 100 feet or so, otherwise we all might have been hurt worse then we all were. Totaled their Toyota. The migraines that I have been getting since then are HELL though! I even think I might have to take my Revvie to the Vet and have him looked at since he was thrown around in the back seat. Also my Uncle Lennie passed away and there has been a few other issues I have had this month. August hasn't been a nice month for me!
Oh well time to run and head to work now, but before I go I have one more thing to write: my gratitude list....
1) I am grateful for the accomplishments that I am making.
2) I am grateful for all the people that find strength in my accomplishments.
3) I am grateful for the love and support my mom has shown me!
4) I am grateful for what my higher power has helped me achieve.
5) I am grateful everyday for the work I am doing.
Since chatting with you all last I have accomplished many different things, good or bad I consider them an accomplishment.
After living in my mom's home for 2 years I have finally moved into my own place. Yes I have doubted every minute that I have been here whether or not I made the right choices. By moving I no longer have my security blanket and that makes me wonder if I made the right choice or not. However, since moving, an opportunity has presented itself to make me realize that I have changed my position in my mom's eyes and that for me is a major blessing. I now know just how much she supports me and believes in me. Thank you momma and I love you dearly!
Everyday is a battle for me, no matter how good or bad I am doing. Each morning I wake up and dread the fact I have to go to work, but I go anyway due to 2 factors: 1) I have bills to pay, LOL (I think that will make anyone go to work whether or not they want to), and 2) I can't let my clients down by canceling our appointments. So everyday has become, "Force Lori to Work Day". Luckily I do know that this is the time of year when I cycle into my depression state so I know how to cope with this time of the year, but it is difficult.
On a brighter note, I am almost done with my Self-Harm program that I have spent the past few months working on. A self harm support group has agreed to try it out and test it for me, as well as a few other groups around the world. I am so proud of myself for this accomplishment. Also I got to go to the National Alliance of Peer Specialists Conference last week. Truly enjoyed myself and got to meet the people that I have spent the last year getting to know by phone and email, it was truly a great pleasure, not just to be recognized by this amazing group of people but to see the differences I have made in others lives. Like I have ben saying all a long: I didn't find this job, it found me. Thank you Karma!
August 12, I was in a car accident. The people hit my truck at 70 miles an hour and did $3269.54 in damage to my truck. Thankfully they bounced off the spare tire under my truck and knocked them backwards 100 feet or so, otherwise we all might have been hurt worse then we all were. Totaled their Toyota. The migraines that I have been getting since then are HELL though! I even think I might have to take my Revvie to the Vet and have him looked at since he was thrown around in the back seat. Also my Uncle Lennie passed away and there has been a few other issues I have had this month. August hasn't been a nice month for me!
Oh well time to run and head to work now, but before I go I have one more thing to write: my gratitude list....
1) I am grateful for the accomplishments that I am making.
2) I am grateful for all the people that find strength in my accomplishments.
3) I am grateful for the love and support my mom has shown me!
4) I am grateful for what my higher power has helped me achieve.
5) I am grateful everyday for the work I am doing.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Past Pleasures Reborn
It would seem that I had lost my love for many things, simple things you might say. But with each passing day I find that I am hunting them down again, unknown to myself and my thinking.
For instance;
When I lived in Georgia I had this beautiful window over the kitchen sink that I loved to spend time each morning looking out over the Pecan grove and a hundred year old oak tree. The squirrels would jump and play from branch to branch, birds would hunt for food in the fresh cut grass and the wildflowers that grew, little wild lizards basking in the sun, and the cats would play hell trying to catch my frolicking morning creatures. I could and did stand there for hours with my morning cup of tea just taking it all in. I had forgotten that pleasure until this morning. While I didn't have my cup of tea, I was able to sit on my patio furniture watching the squirrels jump from pine tree to pine tree. I also noticed my favorite 2 cardinals chasing each other through the trees. Boy what a pleasure that was!
I found love with a swing in my yard. I would sit there for hours watching my puppy play, the kittens in the yard trying to catch his tail. I would watch butterflies delicately kiss the flowers as they flew above them. Then nightfall would come and I would lay in my swing, looking up at the stars, and create my own name for them (a few times I may have even slept out there all night long LOL). Now I watch the butterflies in my moms yard and I sit on the front porch looking at at the moon each night just wondering.
Last summer when I lived in Maine each night after I closed the Restaurant I would sit out on the picnic table staring out over the ocean watching the seagulls and hoping for the chance to catch a fish jumping out of the water as the boats in the harbor rocked against the sparkling blue waters. Now I find the simple pleasure as I drive to work everyday of Herons fishing in ponds.
In Georgia I had these little lizards that would drive the cats crazy. LOL. Me as well since I loved to play with them. I could be standing there doing dishes and they would run out from behind the cupboards chasing after a fly. Now I am rescuing Iguanas again. Course my step-dad isn't happy, but I am and that is all that matters. LOL
The point to all of this is that when we are at our worst and need to find our happy spots again, look to the past and see what made you happy. Then find a way to make a new happiness for yourself. As I was writing this, I noticed most of my happiness came when I was in Georgia and I think I now know why. I had 2 amazing friends when I lived there and they couldn't have been further apart in their differences.. They are what kept me going, they are the ones who helped me find my happiness. While neither are really in my life anymore (due to my own stupid mistakes), they are both with me everywhere I go through my heart and soul and memories. I find something that reminds me of them daily.
Regain your pleasures. Do not give up on yourself!
Back to my gratitude list being as I haven't done it in many months.
1) I am grateful for this goofy dog trying to sit on my lap as I write this blog post. LOL
2) I am grateful for the baby iguana that I was able to rescue before he got any worse sick wise.
3) I am grateful for the fact that I am not a big sister and my little sister thinks I'm the greatest thing next to the invention of grilled cheese.
4) I am grateful for the few friends I have and the ones I have had over the past and have been able to reconnect with.
5) I am grateful for the memories I have, good and bad.
For instance;
When I lived in Georgia I had this beautiful window over the kitchen sink that I loved to spend time each morning looking out over the Pecan grove and a hundred year old oak tree. The squirrels would jump and play from branch to branch, birds would hunt for food in the fresh cut grass and the wildflowers that grew, little wild lizards basking in the sun, and the cats would play hell trying to catch my frolicking morning creatures. I could and did stand there for hours with my morning cup of tea just taking it all in. I had forgotten that pleasure until this morning. While I didn't have my cup of tea, I was able to sit on my patio furniture watching the squirrels jump from pine tree to pine tree. I also noticed my favorite 2 cardinals chasing each other through the trees. Boy what a pleasure that was!
I found love with a swing in my yard. I would sit there for hours watching my puppy play, the kittens in the yard trying to catch his tail. I would watch butterflies delicately kiss the flowers as they flew above them. Then nightfall would come and I would lay in my swing, looking up at the stars, and create my own name for them (a few times I may have even slept out there all night long LOL). Now I watch the butterflies in my moms yard and I sit on the front porch looking at at the moon each night just wondering.
Last summer when I lived in Maine each night after I closed the Restaurant I would sit out on the picnic table staring out over the ocean watching the seagulls and hoping for the chance to catch a fish jumping out of the water as the boats in the harbor rocked against the sparkling blue waters. Now I find the simple pleasure as I drive to work everyday of Herons fishing in ponds.
In Georgia I had these little lizards that would drive the cats crazy. LOL. Me as well since I loved to play with them. I could be standing there doing dishes and they would run out from behind the cupboards chasing after a fly. Now I am rescuing Iguanas again. Course my step-dad isn't happy, but I am and that is all that matters. LOL
The point to all of this is that when we are at our worst and need to find our happy spots again, look to the past and see what made you happy. Then find a way to make a new happiness for yourself. As I was writing this, I noticed most of my happiness came when I was in Georgia and I think I now know why. I had 2 amazing friends when I lived there and they couldn't have been further apart in their differences.. They are what kept me going, they are the ones who helped me find my happiness. While neither are really in my life anymore (due to my own stupid mistakes), they are both with me everywhere I go through my heart and soul and memories. I find something that reminds me of them daily.
Regain your pleasures. Do not give up on yourself!
Back to my gratitude list being as I haven't done it in many months.
1) I am grateful for this goofy dog trying to sit on my lap as I write this blog post. LOL
2) I am grateful for the baby iguana that I was able to rescue before he got any worse sick wise.
3) I am grateful for the fact that I am not a big sister and my little sister thinks I'm the greatest thing next to the invention of grilled cheese.
4) I am grateful for the few friends I have and the ones I have had over the past and have been able to reconnect with.
5) I am grateful for the memories I have, good and bad.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Depression sinks in again....
It snuck up on me again. This is the second time in a month that I have been so depressed that I have thought about it 3 times now. Self-mutilating that is.
Things were looking up so awesomely to the point that my mom and grammy felt I was taking on to much. I admit I might have been but I was holding my own, till 2 weeks ago. I took a job 2 hours away from home and was driving the 4 hour round trip daily, until I got a call from a Raleigh Mental Health office offering me a position. SO obviously I quit the long commute and took the shorter one. Well the new company hasn't used me once, but yet they sure as hell have charged me for the training that they have made me take. I'm officially indebted to my new company for $350.00 and have yet to work a day at this point. Can we say cracking #1.
Cracking #2 is that I bought my training manuals, need to make 3 copies of the student manual and 1 copy of the teaching manual plus copies of all the hand outs that I will be using. The kid at the copy center told me it would be about 5 cents since I was getting so many copies, went to pick them up and bam!, triple the price that was quoted. I had counted on 40 bucks, instead it cost me $164.95. I'm in fucking hell by now. Can't afford the cost of the printings and they won't return my manuals till I pay for the copies. The good thing is that they are printed so that when I do get them back, all I have to do is put them together, send them in, wait 10 weeks, and pray they approve them so that I can teach Peer Support Specialist Training.
Anyone know where I can get a loan? LOL
I did apply for a Pepsi Refresh grant, it goes live July first and you can bet I will put a link on my blog so that people can vote for it. I want to train 100 people who would otherwise have no hope at getting a job do something that would be very rewarding to them in the long run, become a PSS. With so many budget cuts, many people have lost their services who were doing so well with the help. Medicare is finally getting ready to pass a definition for the PSS job which will create hundreds of jobs across the state and many other states are following suit since we don't cost as much as an RN or CSAC would. This grant would pay for their manuals, to attend the class for free instead of having to find ways to cover the costs, and so much more. So please when I put the link up, take a minute and vote for my organization.
Cracking #3 would be the fact that my truck payment is coming up soon, again thanks to the job not working me, I don't have it. Cracking #4 is the fact that last month I lost my MAC, got it back by putting it on layaway for double what I lost it for, and now I don't have that payment either. SO needless to say, I am hanging on by a tiny thread that has unraveled down to less then one and it's ready to break.
Why does everything revolved around money? It seems like most days, that is what causes much of my depression. I live with my mom and have paid her 50 bucks in 9 months even though I do contribute my food stamps to the house, but I hate that I can't pay her more since my step-dad doesn't work either, but at least I'm trying.
My grandma told me today that I am her "HOPE", making me feel like royal shit! So when she asked me how I have been doing I just smiled and said "ok grandma". Of course they have been expecting me to get this way, I just don't show them, nor do I let them in on my depression because there isn't anything they can do about it. They hold me to such high standards that I have set myself, that I feel like an even bigger failure when I let them down. I almost went over to the Durham Center today and checked myself in, that how close I am. Hell I still might. I have not had to be institutionalized in 13 years and I feel I am coming that close right now.
I hope everyone has a great day!
Things were looking up so awesomely to the point that my mom and grammy felt I was taking on to much. I admit I might have been but I was holding my own, till 2 weeks ago. I took a job 2 hours away from home and was driving the 4 hour round trip daily, until I got a call from a Raleigh Mental Health office offering me a position. SO obviously I quit the long commute and took the shorter one. Well the new company hasn't used me once, but yet they sure as hell have charged me for the training that they have made me take. I'm officially indebted to my new company for $350.00 and have yet to work a day at this point. Can we say cracking #1.
Cracking #2 is that I bought my training manuals, need to make 3 copies of the student manual and 1 copy of the teaching manual plus copies of all the hand outs that I will be using. The kid at the copy center told me it would be about 5 cents since I was getting so many copies, went to pick them up and bam!, triple the price that was quoted. I had counted on 40 bucks, instead it cost me $164.95. I'm in fucking hell by now. Can't afford the cost of the printings and they won't return my manuals till I pay for the copies. The good thing is that they are printed so that when I do get them back, all I have to do is put them together, send them in, wait 10 weeks, and pray they approve them so that I can teach Peer Support Specialist Training.
Anyone know where I can get a loan? LOL
I did apply for a Pepsi Refresh grant, it goes live July first and you can bet I will put a link on my blog so that people can vote for it. I want to train 100 people who would otherwise have no hope at getting a job do something that would be very rewarding to them in the long run, become a PSS. With so many budget cuts, many people have lost their services who were doing so well with the help. Medicare is finally getting ready to pass a definition for the PSS job which will create hundreds of jobs across the state and many other states are following suit since we don't cost as much as an RN or CSAC would. This grant would pay for their manuals, to attend the class for free instead of having to find ways to cover the costs, and so much more. So please when I put the link up, take a minute and vote for my organization.
Cracking #3 would be the fact that my truck payment is coming up soon, again thanks to the job not working me, I don't have it. Cracking #4 is the fact that last month I lost my MAC, got it back by putting it on layaway for double what I lost it for, and now I don't have that payment either. SO needless to say, I am hanging on by a tiny thread that has unraveled down to less then one and it's ready to break.
Why does everything revolved around money? It seems like most days, that is what causes much of my depression. I live with my mom and have paid her 50 bucks in 9 months even though I do contribute my food stamps to the house, but I hate that I can't pay her more since my step-dad doesn't work either, but at least I'm trying.
My grandma told me today that I am her "HOPE", making me feel like royal shit! So when she asked me how I have been doing I just smiled and said "ok grandma". Of course they have been expecting me to get this way, I just don't show them, nor do I let them in on my depression because there isn't anything they can do about it. They hold me to such high standards that I have set myself, that I feel like an even bigger failure when I let them down. I almost went over to the Durham Center today and checked myself in, that how close I am. Hell I still might. I have not had to be institutionalized in 13 years and I feel I am coming that close right now.
I hope everyone has a great day!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Joyous Season, my ass!
What is supposed to be the end to a joyous season and the beginning of a wonderful New Year, isn't starting or ending like it should. The truck decided she no longer wants to run; easy fix since its just the battery, that would be the case if I had the hundred bucks it will take to fix it. Then my school computer decided it would quit working. Oh don't get me wrong I have a nice Mac, it just doesn't have the software I need to do my school work. That leaves one more bad thing to happen before midnight.
Oh and did I mention we are in the process of moving when Tiger decided she wasn't going to run?
My step dad doesn't help matter with me either since he is bitching about constantly having to jump her and "possibly draining his tiny battery". He is one of those men I just want to bitch slap the shit out of!
Thats how my life goes anyway. Just as shit starts to get great, it crashes down. Yes I know I shouldn't think like that as it will pull the negative energies my way, but how am I supposed to think different when I've tried so damn hard to change the way things head? Only for them to crash back down?
I'm tired and mentally exhausted. I don't know where I am or what to do anymore. Cutting just isn't enough. My mom doesn't need this shit right now. This would be the time where I'd want someone to hug me and tell me everything will be okay.....
Today marks the 2nd time in 4-5 years that I am thinking suicidal thoughts! Wow twice in a month...... Sure the things that are wrong could be worse and might not seem suicidal to some, but its these type of things all at once that just trigger me.
Till another time.......
Oh and did I mention we are in the process of moving when Tiger decided she wasn't going to run?
My step dad doesn't help matter with me either since he is bitching about constantly having to jump her and "possibly draining his tiny battery". He is one of those men I just want to bitch slap the shit out of!
Thats how my life goes anyway. Just as shit starts to get great, it crashes down. Yes I know I shouldn't think like that as it will pull the negative energies my way, but how am I supposed to think different when I've tried so damn hard to change the way things head? Only for them to crash back down?
I'm tired and mentally exhausted. I don't know where I am or what to do anymore. Cutting just isn't enough. My mom doesn't need this shit right now. This would be the time where I'd want someone to hug me and tell me everything will be okay.....
Today marks the 2nd time in 4-5 years that I am thinking suicidal thoughts! Wow twice in a month...... Sure the things that are wrong could be worse and might not seem suicidal to some, but its these type of things all at once that just trigger me.
Till another time.......
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
The child inside
As I have been reading and learning new things about myself, I find that there is a child inside waiting to be let out. It shows in the type of men that I date, the things I like, the tantrums that I throw, and so on. I often sit and wish that things had turned out differently. However if they had would I still be the same strong woman that I am today? I think not and thats where all this fits in.
I want, no need someone to look after me like my father and mother should have, thats why I search for men older then myself to be a role model or father figure if you so wish to call him that. I don't search for a mother figure like I do a father figure though. I think that is only because my mom has been more involved in my life, unlike my father. I so want his approval, but know it will be a cold day in hell before I get it. His negativity kills me when it comes to myself or my family.
I long for the day I can get a real "I love you" out of him, the day when I walk in the door and he wraps me in his arms and tells me "welcome", or simply the day he picks up the phone and asks me how I'm doing without being prompted. I know these days will never come! Some days I wish my father wasn't around. I actually think it's harder to have a father around who ignores you, but yet is in your life somehow, then it would be to have a father passed away or out into this giant void we call life.
There is this lonely little girl inside of me looking and reaching out for acceptence. This fucking kills me because I am an adult in so many ways, but then I realize there is more to me fighting for me. My little girl just wants nurtured, loved, guidance, and acceptence. The adult already has that in many ways that the child doesn't have.
I don't live in the past like my mind might do. But how do I get that little girl out of my mind? I know we all have some part of child in our heads or lives, but for her to hang around the way she does, isn't right. She needs to be released out into the void and I can only do that, over time she will be released.
"L", I had another one of those moments you have been hoping for as I go through this road to recovery. I feel like a world has been lifted off my shoulders and my body is all tingely.
I want, no need someone to look after me like my father and mother should have, thats why I search for men older then myself to be a role model or father figure if you so wish to call him that. I don't search for a mother figure like I do a father figure though. I think that is only because my mom has been more involved in my life, unlike my father. I so want his approval, but know it will be a cold day in hell before I get it. His negativity kills me when it comes to myself or my family.
I long for the day I can get a real "I love you" out of him, the day when I walk in the door and he wraps me in his arms and tells me "welcome", or simply the day he picks up the phone and asks me how I'm doing without being prompted. I know these days will never come! Some days I wish my father wasn't around. I actually think it's harder to have a father around who ignores you, but yet is in your life somehow, then it would be to have a father passed away or out into this giant void we call life.
There is this lonely little girl inside of me looking and reaching out for acceptence. This fucking kills me because I am an adult in so many ways, but then I realize there is more to me fighting for me. My little girl just wants nurtured, loved, guidance, and acceptence. The adult already has that in many ways that the child doesn't have.
I don't live in the past like my mind might do. But how do I get that little girl out of my mind? I know we all have some part of child in our heads or lives, but for her to hang around the way she does, isn't right. She needs to be released out into the void and I can only do that, over time she will be released.
"L", I had another one of those moments you have been hoping for as I go through this road to recovery. I feel like a world has been lifted off my shoulders and my body is all tingely.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Ready to Crack
For the most part I am a wonderfully happy person, who cherishes the Holidays. Yesterday and today I am a derangged animal waiting to be let out to terrorize people. Mainly my fucking step-father who cant seem to find it in that fucked up head of his to shut the fuck up for the first time in his life. The comments he makes are annoying,he criticizes everything and everyone, he is a rude person, he knows everything, and always has the noise up on his computer so he can hear this loud screaching noise every once in a while. I can hear him over my head phones and its driving me insane. I can not deal with him this year! Why doesn't his ass just go back on the road!
Normally I try to keep the peace for my moms sake. But he is really pushing my limits since he has been home. I was doing so damn good controling my temper to, but now all I want to do is smack the hell out of him. I really wish she would find her a different man, but for some reason she loves him and keeps him around. Mom did a nice thing and bought me a head set yesterday, as she knows I don't need his sarcastic mouth talking to me. He is critcal of everything.
Note to bloggers; Some who is an Associopath and Someone with Bipolar DO NOT MIX WELL
Normally I try to keep the peace for my moms sake. But he is really pushing my limits since he has been home. I was doing so damn good controling my temper to, but now all I want to do is smack the hell out of him. I really wish she would find her a different man, but for some reason she loves him and keeps him around. Mom did a nice thing and bought me a head set yesterday, as she knows I don't need his sarcastic mouth talking to me. He is critcal of everything.
Note to bloggers; Some who is an Associopath and Someone with Bipolar DO NOT MIX WELL
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Proud of my Son
Normally when Keith calls me he wants something. It is the same if I call him as well. Tonight that wasn't the case. I called him figuring he would be at work and he was, so I left my normally "call me" message. At midnight, like a good boy he promptly returned my call. He sounded so matured, more then he ever has. He spoke to me for the first time in his life like an adult; no bitching, complaining, or wanting anything. He asked how I was doing, as well as my mom, and grandma. I was shocked.
Never before had I heard my son speak to me with the tone that he did of a fine young man. For the very first time he didn't ask for money, didn't ask if I was getting him anything for Christmas, he just wanted to know how I was doing. Again, I was in total shock. Then he asked something I had never heard him ask before, "Mom, how are you doing".
He is 20, I know he has no idea what I am going through right now, but there are times I under estimate him and tonight was one of those nights. My baby boy finally is beinginng to show me he is growing up. He then proceeded to ask me what I was doing for Christmas and what I wanted. That broke my heart!
I had to tell him I had no money to do anything. I couldn't come see him, I couldn't send him any thing, nor could I even afford to mail him out a Christmas card. It's been a 13 months since I have seen my baby. He lives in Ohio and I have lived all up and down the Eastern Seaboard, but I couldn't once find the strength to go West to Ohio to see him. Shame on me!
Needless to say, I've spent the last 20 minutes cutting on myself due to how much I "hate me" at this moment!
My son has always meant the world to me and for the last few years I haven't shown him nor have I shown myself. I haven't negelected him in anyway, except to take his mother away from him and that in it's own right, is wrong of me. Why do I do this to myself and him? He deserves a better mother then me damn it! He is at an age where he needs his mother more then he knows and I'm not even able to offer him the support he needs; to wrap my arms around him when he is hurt, to wipe away a tear when it falls, to put something warm in his tummy when it growls. Why can't I find the strength to be that person he needs!
Right now I have no one to blame but me. I want to be there with him as he is showing me so much potential. He has been just as lost as I am and now he is reaching out to me in ways I never knew he could. I so wanted to wrap my arms around him tonight. He didn't act it or show it, but he needed his momma and she is 500 miles away from her baby. I love you son and I am so sorry to have let you down this Christmas and many others past.
You mean the world to me and I need you just as much as you need me. I'm sorry I have been such a big disappointment in your life and I hope to spend the next 50 years making it up to you.
My wish for you this Christmas is for you to keep growing and moving forward, follow your head and your heart and you will find happiness. Don't let life break you down, instead, break life down. You have many gifts and things to show the world and I know you will! Keep up the great work, your headed in the right direction son! I love you Keith more then you could ever know or come to realize. I'm proud of you!
Never before had I heard my son speak to me with the tone that he did of a fine young man. For the very first time he didn't ask for money, didn't ask if I was getting him anything for Christmas, he just wanted to know how I was doing. Again, I was in total shock. Then he asked something I had never heard him ask before, "Mom, how are you doing".
He is 20, I know he has no idea what I am going through right now, but there are times I under estimate him and tonight was one of those nights. My baby boy finally is beinginng to show me he is growing up. He then proceeded to ask me what I was doing for Christmas and what I wanted. That broke my heart!
I had to tell him I had no money to do anything. I couldn't come see him, I couldn't send him any thing, nor could I even afford to mail him out a Christmas card. It's been a 13 months since I have seen my baby. He lives in Ohio and I have lived all up and down the Eastern Seaboard, but I couldn't once find the strength to go West to Ohio to see him. Shame on me!
Needless to say, I've spent the last 20 minutes cutting on myself due to how much I "hate me" at this moment!
My son has always meant the world to me and for the last few years I haven't shown him nor have I shown myself. I haven't negelected him in anyway, except to take his mother away from him and that in it's own right, is wrong of me. Why do I do this to myself and him? He deserves a better mother then me damn it! He is at an age where he needs his mother more then he knows and I'm not even able to offer him the support he needs; to wrap my arms around him when he is hurt, to wipe away a tear when it falls, to put something warm in his tummy when it growls. Why can't I find the strength to be that person he needs!
Right now I have no one to blame but me. I want to be there with him as he is showing me so much potential. He has been just as lost as I am and now he is reaching out to me in ways I never knew he could. I so wanted to wrap my arms around him tonight. He didn't act it or show it, but he needed his momma and she is 500 miles away from her baby. I love you son and I am so sorry to have let you down this Christmas and many others past.
You mean the world to me and I need you just as much as you need me. I'm sorry I have been such a big disappointment in your life and I hope to spend the next 50 years making it up to you.
My wish for you this Christmas is for you to keep growing and moving forward, follow your head and your heart and you will find happiness. Don't let life break you down, instead, break life down. You have many gifts and things to show the world and I know you will! Keep up the great work, your headed in the right direction son! I love you Keith more then you could ever know or come to realize. I'm proud of you!
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