Relapse?

Most days I just sit and look at the sky and wonder where my life went. Had you asked me 2 months ago where I was going, I could have told you, but now I can't even think about where I want to be. You see, I stepped out of my comfort zone and took a chance, I saved $5000.00 and moved back to the North East, got up here, found out nothing I had planned was going to work out and that is when the depression truly sunk in., of course it doesn't help that my depression doesn't even phase him (although he knows my history with it and what I am capable of doing). But see now we are broke, living at his sisters or a hotel and my depression is even greater than normal.

I found out none of my certifications are good up here.
Jobs are hard to come by everywhere.
Housing is very expensive and again hard to come by with a dog.

And yet here I am still fighting, but at the same time you have to wonder what I'm still fighting for? Everyday I want to harm myself and with each passing moment the stuggle gets worse. I mean currently he is working but I fear each day that will end as I fight to find one. I've got to get back to work and now, not later! Which brings me back to the question, "what am I fighting for?" Why am I going through this stuggle? What am I doing with my life? Where is my higher power leading me? What can I do to change all this sorrow in myself? These are all questions I need to find the answers to so that I won't harm or hurt myself.

I know the main answer and that is, I WILL FIGHT TO KEEP ME GOING! But then you have that nagging question in the back of your mind: how long will Lori keep fighting? I look at my past and realize it has never been for that long, (the fighting I mean). But as I'm sitting here writing this, I know it will work out somehow in the end. Right now as we speak he is in the basement while I am sitting on the deck. He is on his computer, I am on mine and when I try to talk to him he gets pissy and walks away. Damnit Ray, I need some help and I need you! But yet I don't say it. I crave normalcy and don't have it so my mind turns to wanting to drink, do drugs, harm myself, or any other thing I know is not right for me. But at the same time I don't do any of them, instead my mind goes to a darker place. Tomorrow I am taking a job that pays $7.00 an hour, which will realize some of my stress but at the same time, I worry "Can I make it on that?"

Am I being honest with myself? I don't know how much I honestly am, and I constantly sit and ruminate about whether I am or not and how much is bu$% shi^. Am I taking on too much of the blame and being distorted in my thinking?

I can't do my grateful list as I no longer truly remember what I am grateful for besides my son

Long Time Coming

This post with make my 100th posting. If I had kept up with it and not done my usual wondering, I would have hit this mark a long time ago!

Since chatting with you all last I have accomplished many different things, good or bad I consider them an accomplishment.

After living in my mom's home for 2 years I have finally moved into my own place. Yes I have doubted every minute that I have been here whether or not I made the right choices. By moving I no longer have my security blanket and that makes me wonder if I made the right choice or not. However, since moving, an opportunity has presented itself to make me realize that I have changed my position in my mom's eyes and that for me is a major blessing. I now know just how much she supports me and believes in me. Thank you momma and I love you dearly!

Everyday is a battle for me, no matter how good or bad I am doing. Each morning I wake up and dread the fact I have to go to work, but I go anyway due to 2 factors: 1) I have bills to pay, LOL (I think that will make anyone go to work whether or not they want to), and 2) I can't let my clients down by canceling our appointments. So everyday has become, "Force Lori to Work Day".  Luckily I do know that this is the time of year when I cycle into my depression state so I know how to cope with this time of the year, but it is difficult.

On a brighter note, I am almost done with my Self-Harm program that I have spent the past few months working on. A self harm support group has agreed to try it out and test it for me, as well as a few other groups around the world. I am so proud of myself for this accomplishment. Also I got to go to the National Alliance of Peer Specialists Conference last week. Truly enjoyed myself and got to meet the people that I have spent the last year getting to know by phone and email, it was truly a great pleasure, not just to be recognized by this amazing group of people but to see the differences I have made in others lives. Like I have ben saying all a long: I didn't find this job, it found me. Thank you Karma!

August 12, I was in a car accident. The people hit my truck at 70 miles an hour and did $3269.54 in damage to my truck. Thankfully they bounced off the spare tire under my truck and knocked them backwards 100 feet or so, otherwise we all might have been hurt worse then we all were. Totaled their Toyota. The migraines that I have been getting since then are HELL though! I even think I might have to take my Revvie to the Vet and have him looked at since he was thrown around in the back seat. Also my Uncle Lennie passed away and there has been a few other issues I have had this month. August hasn't been a nice month for me!

Oh well time to run and head to work now, but before I go I have one more thing to write: my gratitude list....

1) I am grateful for the accomplishments that I am making.
2) I am grateful for all the people that find strength in my accomplishments.
3) I am grateful for the love and support my mom has shown me!
4) I am grateful for what my higher power has helped me achieve.
5) I am grateful everyday for the work I am doing.

Depression sinks in again....

It snuck up on me again. This is the second time in a month that I have been so depressed that I have thought about it 3 times now. Self-mutilating that is.

Things were looking up so awesomely to the point that my mom and grammy felt I was taking on to much. I admit I might have been but I was holding my own, till 2 weeks ago. I took a job 2 hours away from home and was driving the 4 hour round trip daily, until I got a call from a Raleigh Mental Health office offering me a position. SO obviously I quit the long commute and took the shorter one. Well the new company hasn't used me once, but yet they sure as hell have charged me for the training that they have made me take. I'm officially indebted to my new company for $350.00 and have yet to work a day at this point. Can we say cracking #1.

Cracking #2 is that I bought my training manuals, need to make 3 copies of the student manual and 1 copy of the teaching manual plus copies of all the hand outs that I will be using. The kid at the copy center told me it would be about 5 cents since I was getting so many copies, went to pick them up and bam!, triple the price that was quoted. I had counted on 40 bucks, instead it cost me $164.95. I'm in fucking hell by now. Can't afford the cost of the printings and they won't return my manuals till I pay for the copies. The good thing is that they are printed so that when I do get them back, all I have to do is put them together, send them in, wait 10 weeks, and pray they approve them so that I can teach Peer Support Specialist Training.

Anyone know where I can get a loan? LOL

I did apply for a Pepsi Refresh grant, it goes live July first and you can bet I will put a link on my blog so that people can vote for it. I want to train 100 people who would otherwise have no hope at getting a job do something that would be very rewarding to them in the long run, become a PSS. With so many budget cuts, many people have lost their services who were doing so well with the help. Medicare is finally getting ready to pass a definition for the PSS job which will create hundreds of jobs across the state and many other states are following suit since we don't cost as much as an RN or CSAC would. This grant would pay for their manuals, to attend the class for free instead of having to find ways to cover the costs, and so much more. So please when I put the link up, take a minute and vote for my organization.

Cracking #3 would be the fact that my truck payment is coming up soon, again thanks to the job not working me, I don't have it. Cracking #4 is the fact that last month I lost my MAC, got it back by putting it on layaway for double what I lost it for, and now I don't have that payment either. SO needless to say, I am hanging on by a tiny thread that has unraveled down to less then one and it's ready to break.

Why does everything revolved around money? It seems like most days, that is what causes much of my depression. I live with my mom and have paid her 50 bucks in 9 months even though I do contribute my food stamps to the house, but I hate that I can't pay her more since my step-dad doesn't work either, but at least I'm trying.

My grandma told me today that I am her "HOPE", making me feel like royal shit! So when she asked me how I have been doing I just smiled and said "ok grandma". Of course they have been expecting me to get this way, I just don't show them, nor do I let them in on my depression because there isn't anything they can do about it. They hold me to such high standards that I have set myself, that I feel like an even bigger failure when I let them down. I almost went over to the Durham Center today and checked myself in, that how close I am. Hell I still might. I have not had to be institutionalized in 13 years and I feel I am coming that close right now.

I hope everyone has a great day!

Bullies and Bullying

Growing up I was always the "outcast" kid in school or the neighborhood. I was overweight and I was being abused at home and my other safe zones so I had issues with wanting to fit in. For me fitting in meant doing stupid shit to get people to laugh or accept me, it meant trying things I normally wouldn't have done, and it meant bullying other kids like me to get people to accept me. I was fighting for attention more matter what it took to get it.

By being bullied at home; sexually, mentally, and psychically, it made me reach out to people in the worst ways. I HAD to be accepted! I HAD this need to feel liked or loved no matter what it took to happen.  I just had a need that I wanted filled, so I bullied. Bullying others for me was something that came naturally, I was simply put, BIGGER then almost all the other kids I went to school with.

Men have always scared the hell out of me, so I LET them bully me! But then you have the ones who let me bully them, (and I do). Normally when I start bullying them it means they are on my nerves and I want away from them at all costs.

I mostly bullied people for the attention it got me, good or bad. I didn't think nothing of having Bipolar or Borderline Personality Disorder, no mental illness ever crossed my mind when I would be doing this. However, to all the people I have ever bullied; I am truly truly sorry for doing it. It was wrong of me and yes it took me this long to realize that and to see I had other issues that needed dealt with.

But the person I bully the most, is ME. I am always bullying myself to be a better person, when I see my faults, when my negativity hits the surface, and even when it comes to being in a relationship. So I guess I am still a big bully, just from a different angle now. How does one get over this act towards themselves? I am working on that answer. LOL

My 5 grateful things for today are:

1) I am grateful that my grammy's dog harry will be ok.
2) I am grateful for the sun shining and the flowers blooming.
3) I am grateful that I have yet to break down since leaving DBT. Guess that makes me strong after all!
4) I am grateful for getting to help the homeless tomorrow.
5) I am grateful for my vision wall to help me through my tough times.

Negative, with a Positive Twist

We all reflect on the negative things in life, but for those of us who suffer from a Mental Illness, such as Bipolar Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress, Borderline Personality Disorder,  Major Depression, it can be hard to let go of all the negative things that have happened in our lives either directly to use or surrounding us.

The road to recovery begins by starting to let the feelings of negativity go.

Your probably saying to yourself right now that I'm crazy for even suggesting it, but trust me I'm not. When you let go of the negative and put your energy in another direction, things might not look totally out of this world awesome, but they will slowly start to improve!

I read a hell of a lot of blogs and messages on boards through out each day and the thing that grabs me the most of each message is the negativity (yes even on my blog). You'd think it would be the person's need for help or attention that would grab me the most, but it's not, it the negative reflections that they have on themselves or their lives.

One thing I have learned from my DBT group, if anything, is that surrounding myself with to much negativity kills me, even when it comes from myself. It makes me want to cut, get depressed, or whatever. But it does kill me. Trust me, too much positivity makes me want to puke also. LOL. So I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Where do we find a happy medium?

I have a quote on my vision wall that I read daily, I'll put it here to share with you all. It inspires me to become a better person.

The most inspirational thing in life is a person who has overcome obstacles and hardships. Norman Vincent Peale

I adore that quote! Just something about it makes me WANT to succeed in my recovery and stick to it!

I know its a hard thing to do, but try to think positive and at some point it will all start to click. Don't reflect on the negative if you can help it.....

5 Things I am Grateful for today....

1) My vision wall! It helps me see the positive when all I want is the negative.
2) Wet puppy kisses and loving when all I want to do is curl up and cry
3) Books that take my mind off the dark places.
4) Birds chirping to remind me I'm alive.
5) For being able to go swimming when all I wanted to do was hide away.

Joyous Season, my ass!

What is supposed to be the end to a joyous season and the beginning of a wonderful New Year, isn't starting or ending like it should. The truck decided she no longer wants to run; easy fix since its just the battery, that would be the case if I had the hundred bucks it will take to fix it. Then my school computer decided it would quit working. Oh don't get me wrong I have a nice Mac, it just doesn't have the software I need to do my school work. That leaves one more bad thing to happen before midnight.

Oh and did I mention we are in the process of moving when Tiger decided she wasn't going to run?

My step dad doesn't help matter with me either since he is bitching about constantly having to jump her and "possibly draining his tiny battery". He is one of those men I just want to bitch slap the shit out of!

Thats how my life goes anyway. Just as shit starts to get great, it crashes down. Yes I know I shouldn't think like that as it will pull the negative energies my way, but how am I supposed to think different when I've tried so damn hard to change the way things head? Only for them to crash back down?

I'm tired and mentally exhausted. I don't know where I am or what to do anymore. Cutting just isn't enough. My mom doesn't need this shit right now. This would be the time where I'd want someone to hug me and tell me everything will be okay.....

Today marks the 2nd time in 4-5 years that I am thinking suicidal thoughts! Wow twice in a month...... Sure the things that are wrong could be worse and might not seem suicidal to some, but its these type of things all at once that just trigger me.

Till another time.......