This post with make my 100th posting. If I had kept up with it and not done my usual wondering, I would have hit this mark a long time ago!
Since chatting with you all last I have accomplished many different things, good or bad I consider them an accomplishment.
After living in my mom's home for 2 years I have finally moved into my own place. Yes I have doubted every minute that I have been here whether or not I made the right choices. By moving I no longer have my security blanket and that makes me wonder if I made the right choice or not. However, since moving, an opportunity has presented itself to make me realize that I have changed my position in my mom's eyes and that for me is a major blessing. I now know just how much she supports me and believes in me. Thank you momma and I love you dearly!
Everyday is a battle for me, no matter how good or bad I am doing. Each morning I wake up and dread the fact I have to go to work, but I go anyway due to 2 factors: 1) I have bills to pay, LOL (I think that will make anyone go to work whether or not they want to), and 2) I can't let my clients down by canceling our appointments. So everyday has become, "Force Lori to Work Day". Luckily I do know that this is the time of year when I cycle into my depression state so I know how to cope with this time of the year, but it is difficult.
On a brighter note, I am almost done with my Self-Harm program that I have spent the past few months working on. A self harm support group has agreed to try it out and test it for me, as well as a few other groups around the world. I am so proud of myself for this accomplishment. Also I got to go to the National Alliance of Peer Specialists Conference last week. Truly enjoyed myself and got to meet the people that I have spent the last year getting to know by phone and email, it was truly a great pleasure, not just to be recognized by this amazing group of people but to see the differences I have made in others lives. Like I have ben saying all a long: I didn't find this job, it found me. Thank you Karma!
August 12, I was in a car accident. The people hit my truck at 70 miles an hour and did $3269.54 in damage to my truck. Thankfully they bounced off the spare tire under my truck and knocked them backwards 100 feet or so, otherwise we all might have been hurt worse then we all were. Totaled their Toyota. The migraines that I have been getting since then are HELL though! I even think I might have to take my Revvie to the Vet and have him looked at since he was thrown around in the back seat. Also my Uncle Lennie passed away and there has been a few other issues I have had this month. August hasn't been a nice month for me!
Oh well time to run and head to work now, but before I go I have one more thing to write: my gratitude list....
1) I am grateful for the accomplishments that I am making.
2) I am grateful for all the people that find strength in my accomplishments.
3) I am grateful for the love and support my mom has shown me!
4) I am grateful for what my higher power has helped me achieve.
5) I am grateful everyday for the work I am doing.
Showing posts with label Peer Support Specialist. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Peer Support Specialist. Show all posts
Friday, August 26, 2011
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Bah Humbug? I think not.
Normally this time of year, my Bipolar is at full rage. This is the time of year where I do truly STUPID things and while I can't control them now, I always regret them later. This is also when I normally uncontrollably cut due to being in full rage. This week has brought on some major issues that normally would have sent me over the top, but yet they didn't. Which really goes to show me that I am TRULY doing better then I thought I was.
For starters I found out I am now diabetic. Now normally this would send people into a tailspin and they would flip out thinking it is the end of the world. I didn't though. I took it with a grain of salt and rolled with it. My doctor was actually surprised at how calm I was, so needless to say I shocked her as well. LOL. I am now on a very low calorie diet (probably to low actually), a strict exercise regime, and have to poke and stick 3 times a day. Give me 6 months and I will be on my way to not needing the medicines!
The second thing that happened to me this week is that I had to quit my job. I LOVED that job! But for those of you who know where I work, you also know I was crazy for doing it. I was driving 2 hours each way for work, staying in a hotel while down there, then coming home when my work was done. I was paying my work to go to work when medicaid cut our consumers hours. So I knew it was time to let go and tell them I wouldn't be returning. I did tell them that I wouldn't quit if they could get me a minimum of 25 hours as that would cover my gas and hotel, but they couldn't do it. So all the money I have put into my training will sit and collect dust until I can find another job like the one I had. I adored my job so I do hope I don't stay off work to long. I am hoping they will pick me up for the Raleigh office! Keep your fingers crossed please.
I have too much passion to be a unemployed Peer Specialist! LOL
And I haven't cracked or cut!
The final thing that happened this week is that our heater decided it was done working. The heater chose the coldest week it could to stop heating. So I have been hiding in my room with my dog and my Iguana like the insane Aunt no one wants the rest of the family to find. LOL. We went 3 days with no heat and below freezing temperatures before it got fixed, only to break down again. It is now up and running and trying to heat the house. I am still bundled under 2 coats. LOL
And I'm still in good spirits!
By now, my Bipolar or hell even my Borderline Personality Disorder would have kicked my ass, but this time around, I am very PROUD of myself for not letting it. For me this year has been a terrific year filled with many new beginnings, a lot of peacefulness, and healing like I never knew before. I'll write about it in my year end blog, so stay close by. I have met many who have helped me more then they realize or could even begin to know and I am very thankful for those people.
Reach out and get the help you need, it may surprise you where it comes from. Oh and if you haven't, be sure to check out my Recovery Blog! I am even in the process of starting my own business. So yes it has been a POWERFUL year!!!!
Lets get back to my grateful list:
For starters I found out I am now diabetic. Now normally this would send people into a tailspin and they would flip out thinking it is the end of the world. I didn't though. I took it with a grain of salt and rolled with it. My doctor was actually surprised at how calm I was, so needless to say I shocked her as well. LOL. I am now on a very low calorie diet (probably to low actually), a strict exercise regime, and have to poke and stick 3 times a day. Give me 6 months and I will be on my way to not needing the medicines!
The second thing that happened to me this week is that I had to quit my job. I LOVED that job! But for those of you who know where I work, you also know I was crazy for doing it. I was driving 2 hours each way for work, staying in a hotel while down there, then coming home when my work was done. I was paying my work to go to work when medicaid cut our consumers hours. So I knew it was time to let go and tell them I wouldn't be returning. I did tell them that I wouldn't quit if they could get me a minimum of 25 hours as that would cover my gas and hotel, but they couldn't do it. So all the money I have put into my training will sit and collect dust until I can find another job like the one I had. I adored my job so I do hope I don't stay off work to long. I am hoping they will pick me up for the Raleigh office! Keep your fingers crossed please.
I have too much passion to be a unemployed Peer Specialist! LOL
And I haven't cracked or cut!
The final thing that happened this week is that our heater decided it was done working. The heater chose the coldest week it could to stop heating. So I have been hiding in my room with my dog and my Iguana like the insane Aunt no one wants the rest of the family to find. LOL. We went 3 days with no heat and below freezing temperatures before it got fixed, only to break down again. It is now up and running and trying to heat the house. I am still bundled under 2 coats. LOL
And I'm still in good spirits!
By now, my Bipolar or hell even my Borderline Personality Disorder would have kicked my ass, but this time around, I am very PROUD of myself for not letting it. For me this year has been a terrific year filled with many new beginnings, a lot of peacefulness, and healing like I never knew before. I'll write about it in my year end blog, so stay close by. I have met many who have helped me more then they realize or could even begin to know and I am very thankful for those people.
Reach out and get the help you need, it may surprise you where it comes from. Oh and if you haven't, be sure to check out my Recovery Blog! I am even in the process of starting my own business. So yes it has been a POWERFUL year!!!!
Lets get back to my grateful list:
- I am grateful being able to wake up each morning
- This morning I am grateful for heat
- I am grateful for my family (wow did I just say that? LOL)
- I am grateful that school is almost done and I will be a sophmore
- I am grateful for being able to share this will you all instead of hiding in my misery. Thank You!
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Depression sinks in again....
It snuck up on me again. This is the second time in a month that I have been so depressed that I have thought about it 3 times now. Self-mutilating that is.
Things were looking up so awesomely to the point that my mom and grammy felt I was taking on to much. I admit I might have been but I was holding my own, till 2 weeks ago. I took a job 2 hours away from home and was driving the 4 hour round trip daily, until I got a call from a Raleigh Mental Health office offering me a position. SO obviously I quit the long commute and took the shorter one. Well the new company hasn't used me once, but yet they sure as hell have charged me for the training that they have made me take. I'm officially indebted to my new company for $350.00 and have yet to work a day at this point. Can we say cracking #1.
Cracking #2 is that I bought my training manuals, need to make 3 copies of the student manual and 1 copy of the teaching manual plus copies of all the hand outs that I will be using. The kid at the copy center told me it would be about 5 cents since I was getting so many copies, went to pick them up and bam!, triple the price that was quoted. I had counted on 40 bucks, instead it cost me $164.95. I'm in fucking hell by now. Can't afford the cost of the printings and they won't return my manuals till I pay for the copies. The good thing is that they are printed so that when I do get them back, all I have to do is put them together, send them in, wait 10 weeks, and pray they approve them so that I can teach Peer Support Specialist Training.
Anyone know where I can get a loan? LOL
I did apply for a Pepsi Refresh grant, it goes live July first and you can bet I will put a link on my blog so that people can vote for it. I want to train 100 people who would otherwise have no hope at getting a job do something that would be very rewarding to them in the long run, become a PSS. With so many budget cuts, many people have lost their services who were doing so well with the help. Medicare is finally getting ready to pass a definition for the PSS job which will create hundreds of jobs across the state and many other states are following suit since we don't cost as much as an RN or CSAC would. This grant would pay for their manuals, to attend the class for free instead of having to find ways to cover the costs, and so much more. So please when I put the link up, take a minute and vote for my organization.
Cracking #3 would be the fact that my truck payment is coming up soon, again thanks to the job not working me, I don't have it. Cracking #4 is the fact that last month I lost my MAC, got it back by putting it on layaway for double what I lost it for, and now I don't have that payment either. SO needless to say, I am hanging on by a tiny thread that has unraveled down to less then one and it's ready to break.
Why does everything revolved around money? It seems like most days, that is what causes much of my depression. I live with my mom and have paid her 50 bucks in 9 months even though I do contribute my food stamps to the house, but I hate that I can't pay her more since my step-dad doesn't work either, but at least I'm trying.
My grandma told me today that I am her "HOPE", making me feel like royal shit! So when she asked me how I have been doing I just smiled and said "ok grandma". Of course they have been expecting me to get this way, I just don't show them, nor do I let them in on my depression because there isn't anything they can do about it. They hold me to such high standards that I have set myself, that I feel like an even bigger failure when I let them down. I almost went over to the Durham Center today and checked myself in, that how close I am. Hell I still might. I have not had to be institutionalized in 13 years and I feel I am coming that close right now.
I hope everyone has a great day!
Things were looking up so awesomely to the point that my mom and grammy felt I was taking on to much. I admit I might have been but I was holding my own, till 2 weeks ago. I took a job 2 hours away from home and was driving the 4 hour round trip daily, until I got a call from a Raleigh Mental Health office offering me a position. SO obviously I quit the long commute and took the shorter one. Well the new company hasn't used me once, but yet they sure as hell have charged me for the training that they have made me take. I'm officially indebted to my new company for $350.00 and have yet to work a day at this point. Can we say cracking #1.
Cracking #2 is that I bought my training manuals, need to make 3 copies of the student manual and 1 copy of the teaching manual plus copies of all the hand outs that I will be using. The kid at the copy center told me it would be about 5 cents since I was getting so many copies, went to pick them up and bam!, triple the price that was quoted. I had counted on 40 bucks, instead it cost me $164.95. I'm in fucking hell by now. Can't afford the cost of the printings and they won't return my manuals till I pay for the copies. The good thing is that they are printed so that when I do get them back, all I have to do is put them together, send them in, wait 10 weeks, and pray they approve them so that I can teach Peer Support Specialist Training.
Anyone know where I can get a loan? LOL
I did apply for a Pepsi Refresh grant, it goes live July first and you can bet I will put a link on my blog so that people can vote for it. I want to train 100 people who would otherwise have no hope at getting a job do something that would be very rewarding to them in the long run, become a PSS. With so many budget cuts, many people have lost their services who were doing so well with the help. Medicare is finally getting ready to pass a definition for the PSS job which will create hundreds of jobs across the state and many other states are following suit since we don't cost as much as an RN or CSAC would. This grant would pay for their manuals, to attend the class for free instead of having to find ways to cover the costs, and so much more. So please when I put the link up, take a minute and vote for my organization.
Cracking #3 would be the fact that my truck payment is coming up soon, again thanks to the job not working me, I don't have it. Cracking #4 is the fact that last month I lost my MAC, got it back by putting it on layaway for double what I lost it for, and now I don't have that payment either. SO needless to say, I am hanging on by a tiny thread that has unraveled down to less then one and it's ready to break.
Why does everything revolved around money? It seems like most days, that is what causes much of my depression. I live with my mom and have paid her 50 bucks in 9 months even though I do contribute my food stamps to the house, but I hate that I can't pay her more since my step-dad doesn't work either, but at least I'm trying.
My grandma told me today that I am her "HOPE", making me feel like royal shit! So when she asked me how I have been doing I just smiled and said "ok grandma". Of course they have been expecting me to get this way, I just don't show them, nor do I let them in on my depression because there isn't anything they can do about it. They hold me to such high standards that I have set myself, that I feel like an even bigger failure when I let them down. I almost went over to the Durham Center today and checked myself in, that how close I am. Hell I still might. I have not had to be institutionalized in 13 years and I feel I am coming that close right now.
I hope everyone has a great day!
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Negative, with a Positive Twist
We all reflect on the negative things in life, but for those of us who suffer from a Mental Illness, such as Bipolar Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress, Borderline Personality Disorder, Major Depression, it can be hard to let go of all the negative things that have happened in our lives either directly to use or surrounding us.
The road to recovery begins by starting to let the feelings of negativity go.
Your probably saying to yourself right now that I'm crazy for even suggesting it, but trust me I'm not. When you let go of the negative and put your energy in another direction, things might not look totally out of this world awesome, but they will slowly start to improve!
I read a hell of a lot of blogs and messages on boards through out each day and the thing that grabs me the most of each message is the negativity (yes even on my blog). You'd think it would be the person's need for help or attention that would grab me the most, but it's not, it the negative reflections that they have on themselves or their lives.
One thing I have learned from my DBT group, if anything, is that surrounding myself with to much negativity kills me, even when it comes from myself. It makes me want to cut, get depressed, or whatever. But it does kill me. Trust me, too much positivity makes me want to puke also. LOL. So I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Where do we find a happy medium?
I have a quote on my vision wall that I read daily, I'll put it here to share with you all. It inspires me to become a better person.
I adore that quote! Just something about it makes me WANT to succeed in my recovery and stick to it!
I know its a hard thing to do, but try to think positive and at some point it will all start to click. Don't reflect on the negative if you can help it.....
5 Things I am Grateful for today....
1) My vision wall! It helps me see the positive when all I want is the negative.
2) Wet puppy kisses and loving when all I want to do is curl up and cry
3) Books that take my mind off the dark places.
4) Birds chirping to remind me I'm alive.
5) For being able to go swimming when all I wanted to do was hide away.
The road to recovery begins by starting to let the feelings of negativity go.
Your probably saying to yourself right now that I'm crazy for even suggesting it, but trust me I'm not. When you let go of the negative and put your energy in another direction, things might not look totally out of this world awesome, but they will slowly start to improve!
I read a hell of a lot of blogs and messages on boards through out each day and the thing that grabs me the most of each message is the negativity (yes even on my blog). You'd think it would be the person's need for help or attention that would grab me the most, but it's not, it the negative reflections that they have on themselves or their lives.
One thing I have learned from my DBT group, if anything, is that surrounding myself with to much negativity kills me, even when it comes from myself. It makes me want to cut, get depressed, or whatever. But it does kill me. Trust me, too much positivity makes me want to puke also. LOL. So I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Where do we find a happy medium?
I have a quote on my vision wall that I read daily, I'll put it here to share with you all. It inspires me to become a better person.
The most inspirational thing in life is a person who has overcome obstacles and hardships. Norman Vincent Peale
I adore that quote! Just something about it makes me WANT to succeed in my recovery and stick to it!
I know its a hard thing to do, but try to think positive and at some point it will all start to click. Don't reflect on the negative if you can help it.....
5 Things I am Grateful for today....
1) My vision wall! It helps me see the positive when all I want is the negative.
2) Wet puppy kisses and loving when all I want to do is curl up and cry
3) Books that take my mind off the dark places.
4) Birds chirping to remind me I'm alive.
5) For being able to go swimming when all I wanted to do was hide away.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Working, Hoping, Praying....
I find myself longing for a job this morning! Something I haven't felt in years.
I want to help other's who are in the same boat I am and for the most part I can't help them till I complete Peer Support training, my Psychology degree or some other means to obtain that job. I finally found a Peer Support Specialist Training group over in Winston Salem, but they charge $250.00 bucks for their course and with my truck payment coming up, I just don't have that kind of cash. It crushes me to feel that helpless!
Besides that blow, this week ended my individual therapy and my group therapy. Again, I am crushed! I was really starting to like both and feel they were finally beginning to help me. Sure I can go back, if I'm in CRISIS mode!!! Which really fucking sucks. Why should someone have to be in crisis mode to get the help they need? The way I see it, if someone is trying to get the help to make their life better, BEFORE THEY GO INTO CRISIS MODE, doesn't it make more sense to help them then as well if they are reaching out for it?
I so am beginning to hate the government more and more when it comes to getting the healthcare help I need!
If I won the lottery, one of the first things I would do is open a pro-bono mental health facility, a grant writer, and a staff who has the same love that I do for mental health. Kind of like Patch Adam of the mental health world. LOL
I have big dreams, big ideas, and I finally see that if I put my mind to something I CAN DO IT! LOL. Never thought I'd hear that come out of my mouth.
I swear I'm not have a Borderline Personality issue, I'm not in manic mode, and I'm not having grandiose ideas (except for wanting to win the lottery). I'm not having ay of these, I swear. These are just ideas that I have for the future and at some point in my life I just want to see happen. I want to help those who are worse off then me recover, have some form of life, or begin to live again. I'm not trying to cure the world, I just want to help the world. This is my way of being the people pleaser that I know I am, with a catch; to help myself along the way.
5 things I am Grateful for today......
1) To be in recovery and realize that I have actually been for the past 6 years.
2) To finally accept that I am a good person and that I can do great things!
3) That I have a wonderful and supporting mother, even if I don't tell her.
4) That I actually finished the first quarter of school with out dropping out!!!! YIPEE!!!!!
5) For the kisses that wake me up every morning, from my puppy telling me he has to go outside. LMAO
I want to help other's who are in the same boat I am and for the most part I can't help them till I complete Peer Support training, my Psychology degree or some other means to obtain that job. I finally found a Peer Support Specialist Training group over in Winston Salem, but they charge $250.00 bucks for their course and with my truck payment coming up, I just don't have that kind of cash. It crushes me to feel that helpless!
Besides that blow, this week ended my individual therapy and my group therapy. Again, I am crushed! I was really starting to like both and feel they were finally beginning to help me. Sure I can go back, if I'm in CRISIS mode!!! Which really fucking sucks. Why should someone have to be in crisis mode to get the help they need? The way I see it, if someone is trying to get the help to make their life better, BEFORE THEY GO INTO CRISIS MODE, doesn't it make more sense to help them then as well if they are reaching out for it?
I so am beginning to hate the government more and more when it comes to getting the healthcare help I need!
If I won the lottery, one of the first things I would do is open a pro-bono mental health facility, a grant writer, and a staff who has the same love that I do for mental health. Kind of like Patch Adam of the mental health world. LOL
I have big dreams, big ideas, and I finally see that if I put my mind to something I CAN DO IT! LOL. Never thought I'd hear that come out of my mouth.
I swear I'm not have a Borderline Personality issue, I'm not in manic mode, and I'm not having grandiose ideas (except for wanting to win the lottery). I'm not having ay of these, I swear. These are just ideas that I have for the future and at some point in my life I just want to see happen. I want to help those who are worse off then me recover, have some form of life, or begin to live again. I'm not trying to cure the world, I just want to help the world. This is my way of being the people pleaser that I know I am, with a catch; to help myself along the way.
5 things I am Grateful for today......
1) To be in recovery and realize that I have actually been for the past 6 years.
2) To finally accept that I am a good person and that I can do great things!
3) That I have a wonderful and supporting mother, even if I don't tell her.
4) That I actually finished the first quarter of school with out dropping out!!!! YIPEE!!!!!
5) For the kisses that wake me up every morning, from my puppy telling me he has to go outside. LMAO
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Recovery; is it all worth it?
I've noticed that my mood and changes in my moods depend on those around me. I was feeling great about myself today and was happy. I was getting school work done, doing research to help myself better, and enjoying the bright and sunny day. Then people around me started getting on me for no reason, shifting me back down to the depressed, upset, what the hell did I do to deserve all this mood. Then I'm out smoking and my finger is bleeding from where I had chewed on it. I subconsciously self harm myself in many ways to help the hurt try and go away; chew the skin off around my fingers, pull my hair, cut, dig open scabs and other boo boo's that are almost healed over. Why the hell do I hurt myself at the expense of others? Why does my fucking head break down everything I have learned to let other people hurt me STILL!!!!!!
THE NEGATIVITY FROM OTHER PEOPLE SUCKS!!!!!
Why does it always feel like I am using the things I have learned from DBT class, things are going great for me, then BOOM! All the kings horses crash down around me again. I have to find a way to fight this negative "happening" off and keep it off! I realize I can't get rid of everything negative in my life, but damn where do I start. I can't push my friends and family out of my life completely! They are the most negative parts to me.
Before DBT group and remembering that I have Borderline Personality Disorder, I would have just pushed it all under the rug and let most of it slide by. That would have kept my miserable self happy. I wouldn't have felt the pain, (not on the surface anyway), but damn it, since learning DBT skills I fucking feel every ounce of pain even more! I fucking hate it most days. Then there are the days I am thankful for it.
Isn't recovery supposed to be a beautiful thing? Your life should be full of butterflies, sweet puppy kisses, joyful laughter, and excitedness. Why can't someone have one bad day and yet still be recovered? Does everything have to be peaches and cream when it comes to recovery? I don't think it does. Everyone is going to have a bad day or five, but does that mean you've relapsed?
Hell the way I see it, I will spend the rest of my life recovering from this and that, that has happened to me. I mean hell the shit didn't happen over night to start with, so it isn't going to go away over night. That being the case, how come you have to be a year out of recovery in order to become a Peer Support Specialist?
Ok, enough of my rant for the day. However if you come out of this reading wondering which way to go; find a class, group, or counselor, hell you can even contact a Peer Support Specialist (thats what they are here for). Recovery is the bottom line, no matter how long it takes! It helps in many ways (yes even with all my complaining about it). I'm very thankful for my DBT group and I am very proud to say, I haven't cut in a while thanks to their help.
5 Things I am Grateful For:
1) The sunny and beautiful day we are having today.
2) My newfound friends at Wellness City.
3) The fact my pup gave me a long run this morning.
4) That I'm able to finish my school assignments.
5) That my dear friends are smiling somewhere!
THE NEGATIVITY FROM OTHER PEOPLE SUCKS!!!!!
Why does it always feel like I am using the things I have learned from DBT class, things are going great for me, then BOOM! All the kings horses crash down around me again. I have to find a way to fight this negative "happening" off and keep it off! I realize I can't get rid of everything negative in my life, but damn where do I start. I can't push my friends and family out of my life completely! They are the most negative parts to me.
Before DBT group and remembering that I have Borderline Personality Disorder, I would have just pushed it all under the rug and let most of it slide by. That would have kept my miserable self happy. I wouldn't have felt the pain, (not on the surface anyway), but damn it, since learning DBT skills I fucking feel every ounce of pain even more! I fucking hate it most days. Then there are the days I am thankful for it.
Isn't recovery supposed to be a beautiful thing? Your life should be full of butterflies, sweet puppy kisses, joyful laughter, and excitedness. Why can't someone have one bad day and yet still be recovered? Does everything have to be peaches and cream when it comes to recovery? I don't think it does. Everyone is going to have a bad day or five, but does that mean you've relapsed?
Hell the way I see it, I will spend the rest of my life recovering from this and that, that has happened to me. I mean hell the shit didn't happen over night to start with, so it isn't going to go away over night. That being the case, how come you have to be a year out of recovery in order to become a Peer Support Specialist?
Ok, enough of my rant for the day. However if you come out of this reading wondering which way to go; find a class, group, or counselor, hell you can even contact a Peer Support Specialist (thats what they are here for). Recovery is the bottom line, no matter how long it takes! It helps in many ways (yes even with all my complaining about it). I'm very thankful for my DBT group and I am very proud to say, I haven't cut in a while thanks to their help.
5 Things I am Grateful For:
1) The sunny and beautiful day we are having today.
2) My newfound friends at Wellness City.
3) The fact my pup gave me a long run this morning.
4) That I'm able to finish my school assignments.
5) That my dear friends are smiling somewhere!
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Regrets. Can't change the past, so improve your future!
Tuesday, I did something I never in my life have done or even had a desire to do. I sent an apology to an ex-boss for walking out on them. I really had no need to send it, but I did and it bothered me as I wrote it, bothered me as I let it stew in draft mode for the night, and really bothered me after I hit the send button. Does that make any kind of sense to anyone? LOL. I'm still in the process of trying to figure out why I even bothered sending it. It's all so damn confusing to me!
Maybe I did it, subconsciously hoping they will be stupid enough to rehire me for the 2010 Season. God did I love that job! I'm a Chef by trade and thanks to all my years of walking away from jobs, I don't have a stable work history and this was a wonderful couple who didn't care as long as I brought them in money.
Maybe I did it, subconsciously hoping they will be stupid enough to rehire me for the 2010 Season. God did I love that job! I'm a Chef by trade and thanks to all my years of walking away from jobs, I don't have a stable work history and this was a wonderful couple who didn't care as long as I brought them in money.
Monday, March 1, 2010
The long road to recovery....
My Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is almost done. I have 3 weeks left and Triumph is trying to transition me out of the group with just 3 individual therapy sessions left. I'm scared but I know I can over come my Borderline Personality Disorder if I put my mind to it. I have the tools to help myself now, I just have to use them and put them in place, which will be the hardest for me. We made "toolboxes" last friday in class. They are kind of cool actually! Now I just have to remember to pull them out when things get tough and remind myself that I am better then I "in the moment" might think I'm not. We took a envelope and 8 strips of paper and wrote encouraging things on them.
The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide
Sharonda informed me that if and when I do get medicaid more services will open up for me at Triumph. I'm depressed about leaving there as I need help controlling my Bipolar most days and while they would hope that this type of counseling would work with Bipolar, I don't feel it has. So the Bipolar will go untreated except by medication at this time. Technically since I don't have insurance or cash I don't even have the funds for all of my medications, heart medication included.
If you haven't noticed, I tend to call my Metal Health issues and all my other medical issues "my or mine". I do this so that it will take effect that I have these issues, they are mine to deal with and that I can over come them. We can all over come them or get on the road to recovery if we put our mind to it or choose to want to recover.
Sometimes I Act Crazy: Living with Borderline Personality Disorder
Mom and I went to Wellness City on Saturday to check it out. It seems like a great place and I do hope they live up to it. They are already talking about me teaching a few cooking classes, but I'm also thinking I can teach gardening, learning the computer, web design, and a few other classes. I'm trying to take over and I haven't even technically started yet. LOL. I start at Wellness City tonight, I'm scared shitless! However Mom said she is going to join with me, but we shall see. She needs the help and support just like I do and I think that us working together will be a tremendous advantage that most don't have.
One great thing about going to Wellness City is that I will be able to take the WRAP (Wellness Recovery and Planning) classes that I need to become a Peer Support Specialist. I honestly feel that I have found my calling here. FINALLY!!! LOL. I was telling Sharonda all about my ideas and thats when she suggested becoming a Peer Support Specialist till I get my Psychology degree. So I came home and instantly started looking into becoming one. I have to be certified in the state of North Carolina, which as usual means cash, 40 hours of training, and 20 hours of WRAP class. Well I don't have the cash to get my certification yet, but I know if I want it bad enough, it will eventually happen. This is something I am VERY good at doing, HELPING OTHERS. I might have a hard time helping myself, but I am damn good at helping other people!
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder
Currently I am trying to stay busy as hell. It's working, but it's also making me forgetful and making me not want to start something new or finish what I have started. So it is all confusing! School has been getting tougher and tougher, (not that I would expect it to get any easier), but I have been pulling nothing but 100% which fucking blows me away! I never did this damn good in school. I'm very excited by this, but at the same time I do have my doubts and dis-beliefs.
5 things I am grateful for:
The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide
Recovery: the process of gaining control over one's life- and the direction one wants life to go- on the other side of a Psychiatric diagnosis.
Hope is the belief that one has both the ability and the opportunity to engage in the RECOVERY PROCESS
Sharonda informed me that if and when I do get medicaid more services will open up for me at Triumph. I'm depressed about leaving there as I need help controlling my Bipolar most days and while they would hope that this type of counseling would work with Bipolar, I don't feel it has. So the Bipolar will go untreated except by medication at this time. Technically since I don't have insurance or cash I don't even have the funds for all of my medications, heart medication included.
If you haven't noticed, I tend to call my Metal Health issues and all my other medical issues "my or mine". I do this so that it will take effect that I have these issues, they are mine to deal with and that I can over come them. We can all over come them or get on the road to recovery if we put our mind to it or choose to want to recover.
Sometimes I Act Crazy: Living with Borderline Personality Disorder
Mom and I went to Wellness City on Saturday to check it out. It seems like a great place and I do hope they live up to it. They are already talking about me teaching a few cooking classes, but I'm also thinking I can teach gardening, learning the computer, web design, and a few other classes. I'm trying to take over and I haven't even technically started yet. LOL. I start at Wellness City tonight, I'm scared shitless! However Mom said she is going to join with me, but we shall see. She needs the help and support just like I do and I think that us working together will be a tremendous advantage that most don't have.
One great thing about going to Wellness City is that I will be able to take the WRAP (Wellness Recovery and Planning) classes that I need to become a Peer Support Specialist. I honestly feel that I have found my calling here. FINALLY!!! LOL. I was telling Sharonda all about my ideas and thats when she suggested becoming a Peer Support Specialist till I get my Psychology degree. So I came home and instantly started looking into becoming one. I have to be certified in the state of North Carolina, which as usual means cash, 40 hours of training, and 20 hours of WRAP class. Well I don't have the cash to get my certification yet, but I know if I want it bad enough, it will eventually happen. This is something I am VERY good at doing, HELPING OTHERS. I might have a hard time helping myself, but I am damn good at helping other people!
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder
Currently I am trying to stay busy as hell. It's working, but it's also making me forgetful and making me not want to start something new or finish what I have started. So it is all confusing! School has been getting tougher and tougher, (not that I would expect it to get any easier), but I have been pulling nothing but 100% which fucking blows me away! I never did this damn good in school. I'm very excited by this, but at the same time I do have my doubts and dis-beliefs.
5 things I am grateful for:
- The ability to partially start over on my road to recovery.
- When I need them, I have wonderful friends who will help me through these different processes. Thank you Mom, Larry, and Melissa!
- I am very grateful for the fact that I have a dog who knows when I need a pillow, a tissues for my crying spells, or even a gentle lick on the hand to let me know he is there for me.
- For finally realizing my abilities to help others.
- Having the courage to start living my life again, THE WAY I WANT TOO!
Till another day!
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