This post with make my 100th posting. If I had kept up with it and not done my usual wondering, I would have hit this mark a long time ago!
Since chatting with you all last I have accomplished many different things, good or bad I consider them an accomplishment.
After living in my mom's home for 2 years I have finally moved into my own place. Yes I have doubted every minute that I have been here whether or not I made the right choices. By moving I no longer have my security blanket and that makes me wonder if I made the right choice or not. However, since moving, an opportunity has presented itself to make me realize that I have changed my position in my mom's eyes and that for me is a major blessing. I now know just how much she supports me and believes in me. Thank you momma and I love you dearly!
Everyday is a battle for me, no matter how good or bad I am doing. Each morning I wake up and dread the fact I have to go to work, but I go anyway due to 2 factors: 1) I have bills to pay, LOL (I think that will make anyone go to work whether or not they want to), and 2) I can't let my clients down by canceling our appointments. So everyday has become, "Force Lori to Work Day". Luckily I do know that this is the time of year when I cycle into my depression state so I know how to cope with this time of the year, but it is difficult.
On a brighter note, I am almost done with my Self-Harm program that I have spent the past few months working on. A self harm support group has agreed to try it out and test it for me, as well as a few other groups around the world. I am so proud of myself for this accomplishment. Also I got to go to the National Alliance of Peer Specialists Conference last week. Truly enjoyed myself and got to meet the people that I have spent the last year getting to know by phone and email, it was truly a great pleasure, not just to be recognized by this amazing group of people but to see the differences I have made in others lives. Like I have ben saying all a long: I didn't find this job, it found me. Thank you Karma!
August 12, I was in a car accident. The people hit my truck at 70 miles an hour and did $3269.54 in damage to my truck. Thankfully they bounced off the spare tire under my truck and knocked them backwards 100 feet or so, otherwise we all might have been hurt worse then we all were. Totaled their Toyota. The migraines that I have been getting since then are HELL though! I even think I might have to take my Revvie to the Vet and have him looked at since he was thrown around in the back seat. Also my Uncle Lennie passed away and there has been a few other issues I have had this month. August hasn't been a nice month for me!
Oh well time to run and head to work now, but before I go I have one more thing to write: my gratitude list....
1) I am grateful for the accomplishments that I am making.
2) I am grateful for all the people that find strength in my accomplishments.
3) I am grateful for the love and support my mom has shown me!
4) I am grateful for what my higher power has helped me achieve.
5) I am grateful everyday for the work I am doing.
As I wander the earth in search of my peace and happiness, this is where I'll post my rants where it concerns my mental health as I discover things about my Bipolar Disorder, my Borderline Personality Disorder, and other medical issues. Here is where you will read and explore the things I am going through.
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Showing posts with label Self-Mutilate. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Self-Mutilate. Show all posts
Friday, August 26, 2011
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Bah Humbug? I think not.
Normally this time of year, my Bipolar is at full rage. This is the time of year where I do truly STUPID things and while I can't control them now, I always regret them later. This is also when I normally uncontrollably cut due to being in full rage. This week has brought on some major issues that normally would have sent me over the top, but yet they didn't. Which really goes to show me that I am TRULY doing better then I thought I was.
For starters I found out I am now diabetic. Now normally this would send people into a tailspin and they would flip out thinking it is the end of the world. I didn't though. I took it with a grain of salt and rolled with it. My doctor was actually surprised at how calm I was, so needless to say I shocked her as well. LOL. I am now on a very low calorie diet (probably to low actually), a strict exercise regime, and have to poke and stick 3 times a day. Give me 6 months and I will be on my way to not needing the medicines!
The second thing that happened to me this week is that I had to quit my job. I LOVED that job! But for those of you who know where I work, you also know I was crazy for doing it. I was driving 2 hours each way for work, staying in a hotel while down there, then coming home when my work was done. I was paying my work to go to work when medicaid cut our consumers hours. So I knew it was time to let go and tell them I wouldn't be returning. I did tell them that I wouldn't quit if they could get me a minimum of 25 hours as that would cover my gas and hotel, but they couldn't do it. So all the money I have put into my training will sit and collect dust until I can find another job like the one I had. I adored my job so I do hope I don't stay off work to long. I am hoping they will pick me up for the Raleigh office! Keep your fingers crossed please.
I have too much passion to be a unemployed Peer Specialist! LOL
And I haven't cracked or cut!
The final thing that happened this week is that our heater decided it was done working. The heater chose the coldest week it could to stop heating. So I have been hiding in my room with my dog and my Iguana like the insane Aunt no one wants the rest of the family to find. LOL. We went 3 days with no heat and below freezing temperatures before it got fixed, only to break down again. It is now up and running and trying to heat the house. I am still bundled under 2 coats. LOL
And I'm still in good spirits!
By now, my Bipolar or hell even my Borderline Personality Disorder would have kicked my ass, but this time around, I am very PROUD of myself for not letting it. For me this year has been a terrific year filled with many new beginnings, a lot of peacefulness, and healing like I never knew before. I'll write about it in my year end blog, so stay close by. I have met many who have helped me more then they realize or could even begin to know and I am very thankful for those people.
Reach out and get the help you need, it may surprise you where it comes from. Oh and if you haven't, be sure to check out my Recovery Blog! I am even in the process of starting my own business. So yes it has been a POWERFUL year!!!!
Lets get back to my grateful list:
For starters I found out I am now diabetic. Now normally this would send people into a tailspin and they would flip out thinking it is the end of the world. I didn't though. I took it with a grain of salt and rolled with it. My doctor was actually surprised at how calm I was, so needless to say I shocked her as well. LOL. I am now on a very low calorie diet (probably to low actually), a strict exercise regime, and have to poke and stick 3 times a day. Give me 6 months and I will be on my way to not needing the medicines!
The second thing that happened to me this week is that I had to quit my job. I LOVED that job! But for those of you who know where I work, you also know I was crazy for doing it. I was driving 2 hours each way for work, staying in a hotel while down there, then coming home when my work was done. I was paying my work to go to work when medicaid cut our consumers hours. So I knew it was time to let go and tell them I wouldn't be returning. I did tell them that I wouldn't quit if they could get me a minimum of 25 hours as that would cover my gas and hotel, but they couldn't do it. So all the money I have put into my training will sit and collect dust until I can find another job like the one I had. I adored my job so I do hope I don't stay off work to long. I am hoping they will pick me up for the Raleigh office! Keep your fingers crossed please.
I have too much passion to be a unemployed Peer Specialist! LOL
And I haven't cracked or cut!
The final thing that happened this week is that our heater decided it was done working. The heater chose the coldest week it could to stop heating. So I have been hiding in my room with my dog and my Iguana like the insane Aunt no one wants the rest of the family to find. LOL. We went 3 days with no heat and below freezing temperatures before it got fixed, only to break down again. It is now up and running and trying to heat the house. I am still bundled under 2 coats. LOL
And I'm still in good spirits!
By now, my Bipolar or hell even my Borderline Personality Disorder would have kicked my ass, but this time around, I am very PROUD of myself for not letting it. For me this year has been a terrific year filled with many new beginnings, a lot of peacefulness, and healing like I never knew before. I'll write about it in my year end blog, so stay close by. I have met many who have helped me more then they realize or could even begin to know and I am very thankful for those people.
Reach out and get the help you need, it may surprise you where it comes from. Oh and if you haven't, be sure to check out my Recovery Blog! I am even in the process of starting my own business. So yes it has been a POWERFUL year!!!!
Lets get back to my grateful list:
- I am grateful being able to wake up each morning
- This morning I am grateful for heat
- I am grateful for my family (wow did I just say that? LOL)
- I am grateful that school is almost done and I will be a sophmore
- I am grateful for being able to share this will you all instead of hiding in my misery. Thank You!
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Depression sinks in again....
It snuck up on me again. This is the second time in a month that I have been so depressed that I have thought about it 3 times now. Self-mutilating that is.
Things were looking up so awesomely to the point that my mom and grammy felt I was taking on to much. I admit I might have been but I was holding my own, till 2 weeks ago. I took a job 2 hours away from home and was driving the 4 hour round trip daily, until I got a call from a Raleigh Mental Health office offering me a position. SO obviously I quit the long commute and took the shorter one. Well the new company hasn't used me once, but yet they sure as hell have charged me for the training that they have made me take. I'm officially indebted to my new company for $350.00 and have yet to work a day at this point. Can we say cracking #1.
Cracking #2 is that I bought my training manuals, need to make 3 copies of the student manual and 1 copy of the teaching manual plus copies of all the hand outs that I will be using. The kid at the copy center told me it would be about 5 cents since I was getting so many copies, went to pick them up and bam!, triple the price that was quoted. I had counted on 40 bucks, instead it cost me $164.95. I'm in fucking hell by now. Can't afford the cost of the printings and they won't return my manuals till I pay for the copies. The good thing is that they are printed so that when I do get them back, all I have to do is put them together, send them in, wait 10 weeks, and pray they approve them so that I can teach Peer Support Specialist Training.
Anyone know where I can get a loan? LOL
I did apply for a Pepsi Refresh grant, it goes live July first and you can bet I will put a link on my blog so that people can vote for it. I want to train 100 people who would otherwise have no hope at getting a job do something that would be very rewarding to them in the long run, become a PSS. With so many budget cuts, many people have lost their services who were doing so well with the help. Medicare is finally getting ready to pass a definition for the PSS job which will create hundreds of jobs across the state and many other states are following suit since we don't cost as much as an RN or CSAC would. This grant would pay for their manuals, to attend the class for free instead of having to find ways to cover the costs, and so much more. So please when I put the link up, take a minute and vote for my organization.
Cracking #3 would be the fact that my truck payment is coming up soon, again thanks to the job not working me, I don't have it. Cracking #4 is the fact that last month I lost my MAC, got it back by putting it on layaway for double what I lost it for, and now I don't have that payment either. SO needless to say, I am hanging on by a tiny thread that has unraveled down to less then one and it's ready to break.
Why does everything revolved around money? It seems like most days, that is what causes much of my depression. I live with my mom and have paid her 50 bucks in 9 months even though I do contribute my food stamps to the house, but I hate that I can't pay her more since my step-dad doesn't work either, but at least I'm trying.
My grandma told me today that I am her "HOPE", making me feel like royal shit! So when she asked me how I have been doing I just smiled and said "ok grandma". Of course they have been expecting me to get this way, I just don't show them, nor do I let them in on my depression because there isn't anything they can do about it. They hold me to such high standards that I have set myself, that I feel like an even bigger failure when I let them down. I almost went over to the Durham Center today and checked myself in, that how close I am. Hell I still might. I have not had to be institutionalized in 13 years and I feel I am coming that close right now.
I hope everyone has a great day!
Things were looking up so awesomely to the point that my mom and grammy felt I was taking on to much. I admit I might have been but I was holding my own, till 2 weeks ago. I took a job 2 hours away from home and was driving the 4 hour round trip daily, until I got a call from a Raleigh Mental Health office offering me a position. SO obviously I quit the long commute and took the shorter one. Well the new company hasn't used me once, but yet they sure as hell have charged me for the training that they have made me take. I'm officially indebted to my new company for $350.00 and have yet to work a day at this point. Can we say cracking #1.
Cracking #2 is that I bought my training manuals, need to make 3 copies of the student manual and 1 copy of the teaching manual plus copies of all the hand outs that I will be using. The kid at the copy center told me it would be about 5 cents since I was getting so many copies, went to pick them up and bam!, triple the price that was quoted. I had counted on 40 bucks, instead it cost me $164.95. I'm in fucking hell by now. Can't afford the cost of the printings and they won't return my manuals till I pay for the copies. The good thing is that they are printed so that when I do get them back, all I have to do is put them together, send them in, wait 10 weeks, and pray they approve them so that I can teach Peer Support Specialist Training.
Anyone know where I can get a loan? LOL
I did apply for a Pepsi Refresh grant, it goes live July first and you can bet I will put a link on my blog so that people can vote for it. I want to train 100 people who would otherwise have no hope at getting a job do something that would be very rewarding to them in the long run, become a PSS. With so many budget cuts, many people have lost their services who were doing so well with the help. Medicare is finally getting ready to pass a definition for the PSS job which will create hundreds of jobs across the state and many other states are following suit since we don't cost as much as an RN or CSAC would. This grant would pay for their manuals, to attend the class for free instead of having to find ways to cover the costs, and so much more. So please when I put the link up, take a minute and vote for my organization.
Cracking #3 would be the fact that my truck payment is coming up soon, again thanks to the job not working me, I don't have it. Cracking #4 is the fact that last month I lost my MAC, got it back by putting it on layaway for double what I lost it for, and now I don't have that payment either. SO needless to say, I am hanging on by a tiny thread that has unraveled down to less then one and it's ready to break.
Why does everything revolved around money? It seems like most days, that is what causes much of my depression. I live with my mom and have paid her 50 bucks in 9 months even though I do contribute my food stamps to the house, but I hate that I can't pay her more since my step-dad doesn't work either, but at least I'm trying.
My grandma told me today that I am her "HOPE", making me feel like royal shit! So when she asked me how I have been doing I just smiled and said "ok grandma". Of course they have been expecting me to get this way, I just don't show them, nor do I let them in on my depression because there isn't anything they can do about it. They hold me to such high standards that I have set myself, that I feel like an even bigger failure when I let them down. I almost went over to the Durham Center today and checked myself in, that how close I am. Hell I still might. I have not had to be institutionalized in 13 years and I feel I am coming that close right now.
I hope everyone has a great day!
Monday, May 31, 2010
Rejected Again
I found out today that my brother and his family is coming through NC to go to Florida in a few weeks. SO I called my son and asked him to catch a ride and come visit me. It has been 18 months since I have seen him, even though I try to talk to him weekly by phone. He used the excuse that his work takes 2 months to schedule a vacation, but in the same breath told me that he can't because he is going to Montana with some friends in July. So what's the truth?
Is he punishing me for something different this time that I don't know about? Is he being serious about his job? Does he not want to see me ( if you remember I asked him to go with me to my cousins wedding and he turned me down for that too)?
I started bawling after we hung up. The funny part is that first my mom came in, didn't say anything about me crying. Then my step-dad came in and talked to me for about 10 minutes and didn't say anything about me crying. Then my mom came back in and still didn't say anything. What the hell are the odds of that?
I want to self-destruct! I want to self mutilate! I want to destroy shit! I want to hate myself and blame myself for things I don't even know if I have done or not. I want to hate myself! But I won't. I have to be stronger then that. I have to be better then that. I have to maintain control if I want to get better. I'll let you all know how it went tomorrow. LOL
Sorry but I don't have the strength to want to do my grateful list. Ah the hell with it, thats what forcing is all about right? LOL
1) I'm grateful for CHOOSING not to cut!
2) I'm grateful for not self-destructing.
3) I'm grateful for getting all my homework done.
4) I am grateful for being able to order my training manual today.
5) I am grateful for the dog curled up on the floor next to me.
Is he punishing me for something different this time that I don't know about? Is he being serious about his job? Does he not want to see me ( if you remember I asked him to go with me to my cousins wedding and he turned me down for that too)?
I started bawling after we hung up. The funny part is that first my mom came in, didn't say anything about me crying. Then my step-dad came in and talked to me for about 10 minutes and didn't say anything about me crying. Then my mom came back in and still didn't say anything. What the hell are the odds of that?
I want to self-destruct! I want to self mutilate! I want to destroy shit! I want to hate myself and blame myself for things I don't even know if I have done or not. I want to hate myself! But I won't. I have to be stronger then that. I have to be better then that. I have to maintain control if I want to get better. I'll let you all know how it went tomorrow. LOL
Sorry but I don't have the strength to want to do my grateful list. Ah the hell with it, thats what forcing is all about right? LOL
1) I'm grateful for CHOOSING not to cut!
2) I'm grateful for not self-destructing.
3) I'm grateful for getting all my homework done.
4) I am grateful for being able to order my training manual today.
5) I am grateful for the dog curled up on the floor next to me.
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