In a matter of 3 days I lost 12 hours at work due to medicaid cutting consumers hours. I adore my job, love all my consumers to no end and they know that I would do anything I could for them. Except give them extra hours like the ones they got taken away from them. Technically your not supposed to befriend your consumers, but I saw no way around it. After all their supposed to trust you and accept you at your word when you tell them that this or that worked for you and your trying to convince them to try the same things to help them through their recovery. So I see no way around befriending them.
I make no money off of my job. All the money I make goes towards gas and my hotel room, leaving just enough to pay one bill each month. So it's really not the money I'm worried about. Its the fact that I feel greedy about losing my hours with my consumers. I have made so much progress with 2 of them that I hate to see them back slide all because of their medicaid. So in a way I'm being greedy for them.
I am seeing a pattern here. My writing is all over the place, I'm confused about what I am mad about, which means only one thing. Depression! Course it doesn't help I've been out of medication for over a month. LOL. I think I need to head to bed.
Oh and I made a very bad joke at work today. We were sitting around talking about the P Doc refilling prescriptions and I asked my QP if she thought he would write me a script for my Klonapin. They didn't find it funny. However I had a great laugh when I saw the look on their face. LOL
Sweet Dreams All.....
1) I am grateful for this oppritunity to tell a friend I am sorry after a year and a half!
2) I am grateful for the people I have met through work.
3) I am grateful that school starts again next week.
4) I am grateful for the rain we have had, even if it makes my job harder since this entire area is very flood prone.
5) I am grateful for the Iguana that I rescued who is now happy and content.
As I wander the earth in search of my peace and happiness, this is where I'll post my rants where it concerns my mental health as I discover things about my Bipolar Disorder, my Borderline Personality Disorder, and other medical issues. Here is where you will read and explore the things I am going through.
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"Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself" ~~Thomas Jefferson.
Showing posts with label Georgia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Georgia. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Past Pleasures Reborn
It would seem that I had lost my love for many things, simple things you might say. But with each passing day I find that I am hunting them down again, unknown to myself and my thinking.
For instance;
When I lived in Georgia I had this beautiful window over the kitchen sink that I loved to spend time each morning looking out over the Pecan grove and a hundred year old oak tree. The squirrels would jump and play from branch to branch, birds would hunt for food in the fresh cut grass and the wildflowers that grew, little wild lizards basking in the sun, and the cats would play hell trying to catch my frolicking morning creatures. I could and did stand there for hours with my morning cup of tea just taking it all in. I had forgotten that pleasure until this morning. While I didn't have my cup of tea, I was able to sit on my patio furniture watching the squirrels jump from pine tree to pine tree. I also noticed my favorite 2 cardinals chasing each other through the trees. Boy what a pleasure that was!
I found love with a swing in my yard. I would sit there for hours watching my puppy play, the kittens in the yard trying to catch his tail. I would watch butterflies delicately kiss the flowers as they flew above them. Then nightfall would come and I would lay in my swing, looking up at the stars, and create my own name for them (a few times I may have even slept out there all night long LOL). Now I watch the butterflies in my moms yard and I sit on the front porch looking at at the moon each night just wondering.
Last summer when I lived in Maine each night after I closed the Restaurant I would sit out on the picnic table staring out over the ocean watching the seagulls and hoping for the chance to catch a fish jumping out of the water as the boats in the harbor rocked against the sparkling blue waters. Now I find the simple pleasure as I drive to work everyday of Herons fishing in ponds.
In Georgia I had these little lizards that would drive the cats crazy. LOL. Me as well since I loved to play with them. I could be standing there doing dishes and they would run out from behind the cupboards chasing after a fly. Now I am rescuing Iguanas again. Course my step-dad isn't happy, but I am and that is all that matters. LOL
The point to all of this is that when we are at our worst and need to find our happy spots again, look to the past and see what made you happy. Then find a way to make a new happiness for yourself. As I was writing this, I noticed most of my happiness came when I was in Georgia and I think I now know why. I had 2 amazing friends when I lived there and they couldn't have been further apart in their differences.. They are what kept me going, they are the ones who helped me find my happiness. While neither are really in my life anymore (due to my own stupid mistakes), they are both with me everywhere I go through my heart and soul and memories. I find something that reminds me of them daily.
Regain your pleasures. Do not give up on yourself!
Back to my gratitude list being as I haven't done it in many months.
1) I am grateful for this goofy dog trying to sit on my lap as I write this blog post. LOL
2) I am grateful for the baby iguana that I was able to rescue before he got any worse sick wise.
3) I am grateful for the fact that I am not a big sister and my little sister thinks I'm the greatest thing next to the invention of grilled cheese.
4) I am grateful for the few friends I have and the ones I have had over the past and have been able to reconnect with.
5) I am grateful for the memories I have, good and bad.
For instance;
When I lived in Georgia I had this beautiful window over the kitchen sink that I loved to spend time each morning looking out over the Pecan grove and a hundred year old oak tree. The squirrels would jump and play from branch to branch, birds would hunt for food in the fresh cut grass and the wildflowers that grew, little wild lizards basking in the sun, and the cats would play hell trying to catch my frolicking morning creatures. I could and did stand there for hours with my morning cup of tea just taking it all in. I had forgotten that pleasure until this morning. While I didn't have my cup of tea, I was able to sit on my patio furniture watching the squirrels jump from pine tree to pine tree. I also noticed my favorite 2 cardinals chasing each other through the trees. Boy what a pleasure that was!
I found love with a swing in my yard. I would sit there for hours watching my puppy play, the kittens in the yard trying to catch his tail. I would watch butterflies delicately kiss the flowers as they flew above them. Then nightfall would come and I would lay in my swing, looking up at the stars, and create my own name for them (a few times I may have even slept out there all night long LOL). Now I watch the butterflies in my moms yard and I sit on the front porch looking at at the moon each night just wondering.
Last summer when I lived in Maine each night after I closed the Restaurant I would sit out on the picnic table staring out over the ocean watching the seagulls and hoping for the chance to catch a fish jumping out of the water as the boats in the harbor rocked against the sparkling blue waters. Now I find the simple pleasure as I drive to work everyday of Herons fishing in ponds.
In Georgia I had these little lizards that would drive the cats crazy. LOL. Me as well since I loved to play with them. I could be standing there doing dishes and they would run out from behind the cupboards chasing after a fly. Now I am rescuing Iguanas again. Course my step-dad isn't happy, but I am and that is all that matters. LOL
The point to all of this is that when we are at our worst and need to find our happy spots again, look to the past and see what made you happy. Then find a way to make a new happiness for yourself. As I was writing this, I noticed most of my happiness came when I was in Georgia and I think I now know why. I had 2 amazing friends when I lived there and they couldn't have been further apart in their differences.. They are what kept me going, they are the ones who helped me find my happiness. While neither are really in my life anymore (due to my own stupid mistakes), they are both with me everywhere I go through my heart and soul and memories. I find something that reminds me of them daily.
Regain your pleasures. Do not give up on yourself!
Back to my gratitude list being as I haven't done it in many months.
1) I am grateful for this goofy dog trying to sit on my lap as I write this blog post. LOL
2) I am grateful for the baby iguana that I was able to rescue before he got any worse sick wise.
3) I am grateful for the fact that I am not a big sister and my little sister thinks I'm the greatest thing next to the invention of grilled cheese.
4) I am grateful for the few friends I have and the ones I have had over the past and have been able to reconnect with.
5) I am grateful for the memories I have, good and bad.
Monday, February 8, 2010
When your heart is without a "HOME"; Maine
It has been 6 months since I left my home in Maine.
I am in hell here in NC!
Maine seems so far away, but so near my grasp. I miss the hell out of my adopted state! Granted, I was only there for 5 months, but it felt like a life time to me. A place where I want to hang my hat when I grow up. That's home to me!
I have spent most of 2009 circling from Georgia to Maine and every where in between more then once. A lost nomad looking for her way to find her happiness. I have had no clue where I've been or where I've been headed, but I've finally found some of my happiness. If you had told me years ago that I needed to be out in the open mountain air, I would have laughed at you and told you that you were crazy, but today, I now know that it is exactly where I need to be. Many people over the years have asked me, "if you could live anywhere, where would it be". I have always answered "my grandma's cabin. Nice secluded camp nestled back in the brush amongst the hills in Northern Ontario. But now it would come in a tie between there and my new found love of Maine.
I miss the sound of a cold fog horn blowing in the early morning hours crying out like a momma to her child, waking up to see the mist covering all the sights before me, the seagulls that sat on a roof top across the street from my house all lined up like little soldiers waiting to be fed, I miss seeing all the boats bobbing on the gentle ocean waves in the harbor, or the anticipation that I might catch a glimpse of a bear or moose. Yes I miss my Maine.
I fell in love with Maine the minute I crossed the bridge into Kittery. From that moment on I was hooked!
I am in hell here in NC!
Maine seems so far away, but so near my grasp. I miss the hell out of my adopted state! Granted, I was only there for 5 months, but it felt like a life time to me. A place where I want to hang my hat when I grow up. That's home to me!
I have spent most of 2009 circling from Georgia to Maine and every where in between more then once. A lost nomad looking for her way to find her happiness. I have had no clue where I've been or where I've been headed, but I've finally found some of my happiness. If you had told me years ago that I needed to be out in the open mountain air, I would have laughed at you and told you that you were crazy, but today, I now know that it is exactly where I need to be. Many people over the years have asked me, "if you could live anywhere, where would it be". I have always answered "my grandma's cabin. Nice secluded camp nestled back in the brush amongst the hills in Northern Ontario. But now it would come in a tie between there and my new found love of Maine.
I miss the sound of a cold fog horn blowing in the early morning hours crying out like a momma to her child, waking up to see the mist covering all the sights before me, the seagulls that sat on a roof top across the street from my house all lined up like little soldiers waiting to be fed, I miss seeing all the boats bobbing on the gentle ocean waves in the harbor, or the anticipation that I might catch a glimpse of a bear or moose. Yes I miss my Maine.
I fell in love with Maine the minute I crossed the bridge into Kittery. From that moment on I was hooked!
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