Working, Hoping, Praying....

I find myself longing for a job this morning! Something I haven't felt in years.

I want to help other's who are in the same boat I am and for the most part I can't help them till I complete Peer Support training, my Psychology degree or some other means to obtain that job. I finally found a Peer Support Specialist Training group over in Winston Salem, but they charge $250.00 bucks for their course and with my truck payment coming up, I just don't have that kind of cash. It crushes me to feel that helpless!

Besides that blow, this week ended my individual therapy and my group therapy. Again, I am crushed! I was really starting to like both and feel they were finally beginning to help me. Sure I can go back, if I'm in CRISIS mode!!! Which really fucking sucks. Why should someone have to be in crisis mode to get the help they need? The way I see it, if someone is trying to get the help to make their life better, BEFORE THEY GO INTO CRISIS MODE, doesn't it make more sense to help them then as well if they are reaching out for it?

I so am beginning to hate the government more and more when it comes to getting the healthcare help I need!

If I won the lottery, one of the first things I would do is open a pro-bono mental health facility, a grant writer, and a staff who has the same love that I do for mental health. Kind of like Patch Adam of the mental health world. LOL

I have big dreams, big ideas, and I finally see that if I put my mind to something I CAN DO IT! LOL. Never thought I'd hear that come out of my mouth.

I swear I'm not have a Borderline Personality issue,  I'm not in manic mode, and I'm not having grandiose ideas (except for wanting to win the lottery). I'm not having ay of these, I swear. These are just ideas that I have for the future and at some point in my life I just want to see happen. I want to help those who are worse off then me recover, have some form of life, or begin to live again. I'm not trying to cure the world, I just want to help the world. This is my way of being the people pleaser that I know I am, with a catch; to help myself along the way.

5 things I am Grateful for today......

1) To be in recovery and realize that I have actually been for the past 6 years.
2) To finally accept that I am a good person and that I can do great things!
3) That I have a wonderful and supporting mother, even if I don't tell her.
4) That I actually finished the first quarter of school with out dropping out!!!! YIPEE!!!!!
5) For the kisses that wake me up every morning, from my puppy telling me he has to go outside. LMAO

Fighting the Fight, one at a time...

I have decided that it is time to fight only ONE battle at a time instead of trying to take on all of them at once. There for I have chosen to fight my Borderline Personality Disorder since I know it is something I can CHOOSE to recover from, the Bipolar I'll have the rest of my life (like it or not, since it is chemical in-balanced). I know I will never be 100% normal, but then what exactly is normal and who the hell defines who or what is normal.

Being in the hospital last night for 9 hours really gives you time to think and think away I did. I realized, analyzed, and contemplated everything in my life that could change for the better and decided what I could and couldn't throw out. I decided that while I am taking a very big hand in my own recovery, I'm overwhelming myself by taking on to much at once. I'm trying to recover from my Borderline Personality Disorder, go to group and other therapies, take care of my grandmother, go to school, babysit all the adults in the house, figure out my Bipolar Disorder, and so much more. Something will have to go away! I have decided that since I'm on Bipolar medication and that seems to be stabilizing out, that my Bipolar can sit on the shelf for now and I'll keep taking the medication. Babysitting the adults will have to go to! They should be able to take care of themselves, course they might like that idea, but OH WELL.

Speaking of the other adults, I have noticed that I as I am in the process of my recovery, learning new ways to control my emotions, and sticking up for myself, that they have a tendency to get very pissy and defensive. THEY DO NOT LIKE THE RECOVERING LORI!! LOL. Do you honestly think I care? Nope! I am truly starting to like her and that just makes me happier then a clam in a cream sauce!

Recovery: is the process of gaining control over one's life - and the direction one wants that life to go - on the other side of a Psychiatric diagnosis.

I love that definition of Recovery! It fits me to a "T". Granted I will always be in recovery in one form or another, but who says I can't have control over MY life! It pisses me off to see those that I love and respect sitting around, doing nothing with their lives or not doing a damn thing to improve upon their lives or their condition what ever it may be. But do I get mad enough to cut or throw temper tantrums? Not anymore! (cheering section please)

Dr. Munching has upped my Anxiety pills though to where I am now taking them daily and as needed. I feel he did this as I am feeling whatever causes my anxiety even more as opposed to where I used to hide under the rug. So in my mind, even though I'm taking more pills, this is a good thing as it means I am "feeling" more!

Ok enough ranting for today! LOL

5 Things that I am Grateful for:

1) That I did not have a heart attack last night!
2) That I do feel I am in Recovery and am Happy about it.
3) That my son chose to call me at 3am last night cause he needed help.
4) That mom made it home safely from Seattle.
5) That I have one week of school left and I had a awesome Semester!

Regrets. Can't change the past, so improve your future!

Tuesday, I did something I never in my life have done or even had a desire to do. I sent an apology to an ex-boss for walking out on them. I really had no need to send it, but I did and it bothered me as I wrote it, bothered me as I let it stew in draft mode for the night, and really bothered me after I hit the send button. Does that make any kind of sense to anyone? LOL. I'm still in the process of trying to figure out why I even bothered sending it. It's all so damn confusing to me!

Maybe I did it, subconsciously hoping they will be stupid enough to rehire me for the 2010 Season. God did I love that job! I'm a Chef by trade and thanks to all my years of walking away from jobs, I don't have a stable work history and this was a wonderful couple who didn't care as long as I brought them in money.

Can't get a Psych Counselor, Become a Psych Counselor!

I have done it! I have started applying to schools to become a Psych Counselor. I decided last night that since I am having such a hard time getting one of my own, why not become one. Hell I'm very good at doing the same things they do, I just don't have the degree. I thought about taking the short route and just becoming an assistant to see if that was something I want to do, but I decided no, I need to just jump into this and push myself forward. I need to fight to the finish on this one as this will have a major impact on my life. After all I am 38 and am not getting any younger. So by the time I graduate from a major college with a Bachelor's Degree in Applied Psychology, I will be 43 years old and just starting my life all over again.

I'm proud of myself for taking this step!

I want to help people who ask for it. I have no desire to be in a fancy office waiting for my clients who might be cheating on a spouse and feeling guilty about it, I want the real deal. LOL. I told a friend of mine last night, "My luck I'll be the sap who works for free because people such as myself will come to them." Yes that will be me and I'll take those cases because the people need help, not because I want to be rich.

My heart is huge and it has room for 50 people if they want the care, if they don't then it will be patiently waiting for the next 2 or 3 to trickle in. Thats me in a nut shell. Big heart, big head, and plenty of room for more friends, patients, and family that want to crawl inside. LOL. Will you be my next "victium" er I meant patient. LOL.

Isn't humor a wonderful thing! You can find humor in most things that you do, no matter how bad the situation is, there is always something funny involved in it. Sure you might not think so at the time, but later as your sitting there reflecting on what the situation was, you'll find something along the line that was humorous.

I have this dear dear friend that I met just a few weeks ago online. Her and I have become an insperation in each others lives. I don't think I could face a day without her, that is how much she has become a part of my life. The moral of that; someone can come to you even from far away and without meeting them can make the biggest difference in your life for the good. Thank you my Dear Canadian Friend! You know who you are.

My gratitude list for tonight goes like this;

1) I am grateful for my Friend "M".

2) I am grateful for the desire to go back to school and persue a life long goal.

3) I am grateful for the turkey that I cooked today and for the full stomach that I have.

4) I am grateful my grandma seems to be in blessed spirits tonight

5) I am grateful that I can live another day in a semi-peaceful state.

Now I know some of these might over lap a few days ago here and there, but they are things that deserve to be here.

Till Tomorrow.....