Dear Mental Illness

A letter to my mental illness....

Have I ever told you how much I hate you? Yet I love you for just as many reasons.

Reasons I hate you:

1) You've taken some of my family from me
2) You've helped me ruin relationships in more than one way.
3) you've helped ruin my life in many ways: example, self-harm, theft, jail, and even by messing up in school.
4) You've helped me ruin the lives of many.
5) You've even helped me hold on to relationships that I shouldn't
6) You've help me forget who I am.

The reasons I love you:

1) You've helped me bring back some of my family
2) You've helped me make over 2000 friends in the last 2 years
3) you've taken my life in a whole new direction (Thank You!)
4) You've helped me see that I am not Hopeless and that I am a good person.
5) Thanks to you I have made some great friends in life and experience some amazing relationships
6) You've helped me see where I belong
7) You've helped me see who I am and who I want to be.
8) Because of you I can make someone's life a better place, as well as mine
9) Because of you I can see clearly where I was and where I need to be.

Needless to say, I am doing great where I am now, even with all of your short comings. That being said, there are still 2 people who I want in my world but they aren't, my son and my father. I need their support, yet don't have it, yet I am grateful for this in my life who are my support systems. If your reading this, you know who you are.

To date, I have started school and am almost on to my Junior year while maintaining a 4.0 (who would have ever thought? LOL), I have certificates to teach 5 different classes, and am currently working on 4 more, and will reach my goal of starting a recovery college at the rate I am going and I owe most of it to you my mental illness. Thank you for helping to push me to accomplish these tasks.

Today I am grateful for:
1) My recovery
2) my friends and the many more I will make.
3) My new life.
4) The ability to overcome my fears.
5) My friends going through recovery and them making it...

Working, Hoping, Praying....

I find myself longing for a job this morning! Something I haven't felt in years.

I want to help other's who are in the same boat I am and for the most part I can't help them till I complete Peer Support training, my Psychology degree or some other means to obtain that job. I finally found a Peer Support Specialist Training group over in Winston Salem, but they charge $250.00 bucks for their course and with my truck payment coming up, I just don't have that kind of cash. It crushes me to feel that helpless!

Besides that blow, this week ended my individual therapy and my group therapy. Again, I am crushed! I was really starting to like both and feel they were finally beginning to help me. Sure I can go back, if I'm in CRISIS mode!!! Which really fucking sucks. Why should someone have to be in crisis mode to get the help they need? The way I see it, if someone is trying to get the help to make their life better, BEFORE THEY GO INTO CRISIS MODE, doesn't it make more sense to help them then as well if they are reaching out for it?

I so am beginning to hate the government more and more when it comes to getting the healthcare help I need!

If I won the lottery, one of the first things I would do is open a pro-bono mental health facility, a grant writer, and a staff who has the same love that I do for mental health. Kind of like Patch Adam of the mental health world. LOL

I have big dreams, big ideas, and I finally see that if I put my mind to something I CAN DO IT! LOL. Never thought I'd hear that come out of my mouth.

I swear I'm not have a Borderline Personality issue,  I'm not in manic mode, and I'm not having grandiose ideas (except for wanting to win the lottery). I'm not having ay of these, I swear. These are just ideas that I have for the future and at some point in my life I just want to see happen. I want to help those who are worse off then me recover, have some form of life, or begin to live again. I'm not trying to cure the world, I just want to help the world. This is my way of being the people pleaser that I know I am, with a catch; to help myself along the way.

5 things I am Grateful for today......

1) To be in recovery and realize that I have actually been for the past 6 years.
2) To finally accept that I am a good person and that I can do great things!
3) That I have a wonderful and supporting mother, even if I don't tell her.
4) That I actually finished the first quarter of school with out dropping out!!!! YIPEE!!!!!
5) For the kisses that wake me up every morning, from my puppy telling me he has to go outside. LMAO

The long road to recovery....

My Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is almost done. I have 3 weeks left and Triumph is trying to transition me out of the group with just 3 individual therapy sessions left. I'm scared but I know I can over come my Borderline Personality Disorder if I put my mind to it. I have the tools to help myself now, I just have to use them and put them in place, which will be the hardest for me. We made "toolboxes" last friday in class. They are kind of cool actually! Now I just have to remember to pull them out when things get tough and remind myself that I am better then I "in the moment" might think I'm not. We took a envelope and 8 strips of paper and wrote encouraging things on them.

The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide

Recovery: the process of gaining control over one's life- and the direction one wants life to go- on the other side of a Psychiatric diagnosis.

Hope is the belief that one has both the ability and the opportunity to engage in the RECOVERY PROCESS 

Sharonda informed me that if and when I do get medicaid more services will open up for me at Triumph. I'm depressed about leaving there as I need help controlling my Bipolar most days and while they would hope that this type of counseling would work with Bipolar, I don't feel it has. So the Bipolar will go untreated except by medication at this time. Technically since I don't have insurance or cash I don't even have the funds for all of my medications, heart medication included.

If you haven't noticed, I tend to call my Metal Health issues and all my other medical issues "my or mine". I do this so that it will take effect that I have these issues, they are mine to deal with and that I can over come them. We can all over come them or get on the road to recovery if we put our mind to it or choose to want to recover.

Sometimes I Act Crazy: Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

Mom and I went to Wellness City on Saturday to check it out. It seems like a great place and I do hope they live up to it. They are already talking about me teaching a few cooking classes, but I'm also thinking I can teach gardening, learning the computer, web design, and a few other classes. I'm trying to take over and I haven't even technically started yet. LOL. I start at Wellness City tonight, I'm scared shitless! However Mom said she is going to join with me, but we shall see. She needs the help and support just like I do and I think that us working together will be a tremendous advantage that most don't have.

One great thing about going to Wellness City is that I will be able to take the WRAP (Wellness Recovery and Planning) classes that I need to become a Peer Support Specialist. I honestly feel that I have found my calling here. FINALLY!!! LOL. I was telling Sharonda all about my ideas and thats when she suggested becoming a Peer Support Specialist till I get my Psychology degree. So I came home and instantly started looking into becoming one. I have to be certified in the state of North Carolina, which as usual means cash, 40 hours of training, and 20 hours of WRAP class. Well I don't have the cash to get my certification yet, but I know if I want it bad enough, it will eventually happen. This is something I am VERY good at doing, HELPING OTHERS. I might have a hard time helping myself, but I am damn good at helping other people! 

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder

Currently I am trying to stay busy as hell. It's working, but it's also making me forgetful and making me not want to start something new or finish what I have started. So it is all confusing! School has been getting tougher and tougher, (not that I would expect it to get any easier), but I have been pulling nothing but 100% which fucking blows me away! I never did this damn good in school. I'm very excited by this, but at the same time I do have my doubts and dis-beliefs.

5 things I am grateful for:

1. The ability to partially start over on my road to recovery.
2. When I need them, I have wonderful friends who will help me through these different processes.   Thank you Mom, Larry, and Melissa!
3. I am very grateful for the fact that I have a dog who knows when I need a pillow, a tissues for my crying spells, or even a gentle lick on the hand to let me know he is there for me.
4. For finally realizing my abilities to help others.
5. Having the courage to start living my life again, THE WAY I WANT TOO!

Till another day!

The child inside

As I have been reading and learning new things about myself, I find that there is a child inside waiting to be let out. It shows in the type of men that I date, the things I like, the tantrums that I throw, and so on. I often sit and wish that things had turned out differently. However if they had would I still be the same strong woman that I am today? I think not and thats where all this fits in.

I want, no need someone to look after me like my father and mother should have, thats why I search for men older then myself to be a role model or father figure if you so wish to call him that. I don't search for a mother figure like I do a father figure though. I think that is only because my mom has been more involved in my life, unlike my father. I so want his approval, but know it will be a cold day in hell before I get it. His negativity kills me when it comes to myself or my family.

I long for the day I can get a real "I love you" out of him, the day when I walk in the door and he wraps me in his arms and tells me "welcome", or simply the day he picks up the phone and asks me how I'm doing without being prompted. I know these days will never come! Some days I wish my father wasn't around. I actually think it's harder to have a father around who ignores you, but yet is in your life somehow, then it would be to have a father passed away or out into this giant void we call life.

There is this lonely little girl inside of me looking and reaching out for acceptence. This fucking kills me because I am an adult in so many ways, but then I realize there is more to me fighting for me. My little girl just wants nurtured, loved, guidance, and acceptence. The adult already has that in many ways that the child doesn't have.

I don't live in the past like my mind might do. But how do I get that little girl out of my mind? I know we all have some part of child in our heads or lives, but for her to hang around the way she does, isn't right. She needs to be released out into the void and I can only do that, over time she will be released.

"L", I had another one of those moments you have been hoping for as I go through this road to recovery. I feel like a world has been lifted off my shoulders and my body is all tingely.

Bipolar Makes the World Go Round

Today is one of those days when everything just feels "blah", if you know what I mean. DBT Group sucked as usual, my life sucks as usual, I'm a broke biotch, and I lack in ambition. Ah but then who doesn't. LOL. At least I still have my humor and that is what counts.

Talked my girl "M" today and I flat out told her I was a negative Nellie. LOL. She came back with different names for. I'll just flat out say what it is to me. But yea know, as much as shit sucks right now, I am still smiling and laughing. To me that's what counts. I know I need to be positive for positive things to happen, but truthfully no one can be positive 24/7 and still be sane. LOL

On a positive note, I asked for something outloud from my buddy, and I got it from another person unexpected. That to me was a shock and it got me to thinking about the laws of attraction and if they were really true or not.

Law of Attraction: The Science of Attracting More of What You Want and Less of What You Don't

Its hard to believe that something so simple could happen like that. If the Law of Attraction is true, why do so many people lead such negetive lives. Something for me to ponder on, as if I dont think about enough deep shit. LOL.

Mom and i rented a very bad movie tonight, I had a hard time keeping my mind on it. But as I was sitting there letting it wander off, I decided to try one of the exercises that I learned in Group and that is when your mind wanders off like that, rein it back in to what you are doing at that point. What I found is, while I can rein it back in, my mind seems to be thinking of itself and wanders off again. In the 2 hours it took to watch that movie, I ended up pulling myself back to it about evey 5 minutes. Tough, but I did it. Makes you wonder if someone might actually know what their talking about. LOL. I'm sure over time and with proper training I will be able to get my mind on the right track. Don't get me wrong, I bet on the occasion my mind will do what it wants, regardless of what I want, but that won't matter any more as I will know how to control it.

I haven't had a thought in my head about cutting lately. Sure the urge is always there, but I have to have the desire if I am going to do something like that and self mutilating has not been on my agenda. I realy don't feel like bleeding right now, sure I could use a good self mutilating session, but thats not where I want to be. I want to be free of mutilating, free of the pain I have afterward, free of the mindset, free of the mess I have to clean up later on down the road. I DON'T WANT TO SELF MUTILATE ANY MORE!!!!!!! On the truth side of things, I know it's not gone from my life, but I know I will beat the 3 years I was clean of self mutilating. I have that strength, that power! I control me, not my cutting.

The Attraction Distraction: Why the Law of Attraction Isn't Working for You and How to Get Results - 

My grateful list tonight includes:

1) I am grateful for wonderful friends. I am up to 3 now. LOL. I'm growing in numbers.
2) I'm grateful for the Christmas Miracle that happened today with positive thinking.
3) I'm grateful for the fact I get to go back to school.
4) I'm grateful that things are looking up for me with my DBT Group.
5) I'm gratefrul for the fact tomorrow I get to take Grammy to get her hair done. LOL.

Have to throw the funny ones in there a time or two. LOL. Okay serious thought now: Wonder if Santa will bring me my Christmas wishes, after all I have been semi naughty this year. LOL. Please Santa, I need that gym membership!

To write another day!!!

Can't get a Psych Counselor, Become a Psych Counselor!

I have done it! I have started applying to schools to become a Psych Counselor. I decided last night that since I am having such a hard time getting one of my own, why not become one. Hell I'm very good at doing the same things they do, I just don't have the degree. I thought about taking the short route and just becoming an assistant to see if that was something I want to do, but I decided no, I need to just jump into this and push myself forward. I need to fight to the finish on this one as this will have a major impact on my life. After all I am 38 and am not getting any younger. So by the time I graduate from a major college with a Bachelor's Degree in Applied Psychology, I will be 43 years old and just starting my life all over again.

I'm proud of myself for taking this step!

I want to help people who ask for it. I have no desire to be in a fancy office waiting for my clients who might be cheating on a spouse and feeling guilty about it, I want the real deal. LOL. I told a friend of mine last night, "My luck I'll be the sap who works for free because people such as myself will come to them." Yes that will be me and I'll take those cases because the people need help, not because I want to be rich.

My heart is huge and it has room for 50 people if they want the care, if they don't then it will be patiently waiting for the next 2 or 3 to trickle in. Thats me in a nut shell. Big heart, big head, and plenty of room for more friends, patients, and family that want to crawl inside. LOL. Will you be my next "victium" er I meant patient. LOL.

Isn't humor a wonderful thing! You can find humor in most things that you do, no matter how bad the situation is, there is always something funny involved in it. Sure you might not think so at the time, but later as your sitting there reflecting on what the situation was, you'll find something along the line that was humorous.

I have this dear dear friend that I met just a few weeks ago online. Her and I have become an insperation in each others lives. I don't think I could face a day without her, that is how much she has become a part of my life. The moral of that; someone can come to you even from far away and without meeting them can make the biggest difference in your life for the good. Thank you my Dear Canadian Friend! You know who you are.

My gratitude list for tonight goes like this;

1) I am grateful for my Friend "M".

2) I am grateful for the desire to go back to school and persue a life long goal.

3) I am grateful for the turkey that I cooked today and for the full stomach that I have.

4) I am grateful my grandma seems to be in blessed spirits tonight

5) I am grateful that I can live another day in a semi-peaceful state.

Now I know some of these might over lap a few days ago here and there, but they are things that deserve to be here.

Till Tomorrow.....