A New Day, A New Way

One of my biggest pet-peeves with people has ALWAYS been them pushing their religious beliefs onto me. I call it pet-peeve because I never knew what I truly believed in. It was always my thought that if there truly is a God, then why is the world in such Hell. Plus I never understood what I wanted to believe in, everyone always came across as so pushy.  One thing I did know is that Recovery is truly affected by a Higher Power and it is up to the individual person as to what they believe in, so I took matters into my own hands.

I have always wanted to truly believe in a Higher Power, I just didn't know what mine was or how I would even go about finding it. I knew that I did not believe in the traditional Higher Powers though. Wanting to know more, I decided to take an Ordained Minister course, so unknown to everyone, I just did that. I researched and learned about many different Higher Powers, but still none filled this void I was still feeling.  I was still confused by all of this. One thing I did know was that I have NEVER been one to follow traditional lines of anything!

Lately I have been struggling with all the good work I have been doing. My depression is tormenting me and I have no clue as to what set it off in the opposite direction that I have been going. Depression has a tendency to do that for many. This time though none of the traditional treatment has been working for me. The medicines, therapy, work, not even having someone close to me that I trust completely. I'm at a loss for where I want to be. I have millions of thoughts running through my tormented mind, pulling me in all kinds of directions. Research after research is not even working for me, so I knew I had to kick this Higher Power hunt into another gear and push through all this depression and Friday night I did just that. I found my Higher Power and not one in the traditional sense either.

Friday night I got Ordained as a Minister after months of coursework. I went non-denominational so that I could practice any type of Religion that I choose to. My Higher Power is the environment and my surroundings, this much I now know. I went this route as I see that nature is always in Recovery. One season I crashes and the next season it is reborn, just like me. Back and forth, season after season, nature is constantly in rebirth and death. It is always growing year after year and this is how I see myself.

Your probably wondering by now which route or religion I went: I am now a Ordained Minister of the Celtic Pagan faith. This works two-fold for me: 1) it is my heritage and 2) it is now my Higher Power. I am thankful to finally find my Higher Power and while it was right in front of my face the entire time, It took me 39 years to find and see that.

I guess the moral of this blog post is to find something you believe in and even when your feeling down, don't stop believing in it as it will always be there for you. Everywhere I look I see nature and the beauty in it whether it is winter, summer, spring, or fall, it is there for me, I just have to open my eyes and see what I believe in.

My grateful list:

1) I am grateful for the opportunity to become an Ordained Minister and to be able to spread the word of Recovery in a new light.
2) I am grateful for my newfound faith in myself
3) I am grateful to be able to watch my dog enjoy himself with his toys and to be able to entertain himself when he wants to.
4) I am grateful for having a job and being able to go to college.
5) I am grateful for finally being able to find some peace in my life.

Long Time Coming

This post with make my 100th posting. If I had kept up with it and not done my usual wondering, I would have hit this mark a long time ago!

Since chatting with you all last I have accomplished many different things, good or bad I consider them an accomplishment.

After living in my mom's home for 2 years I have finally moved into my own place. Yes I have doubted every minute that I have been here whether or not I made the right choices. By moving I no longer have my security blanket and that makes me wonder if I made the right choice or not. However, since moving, an opportunity has presented itself to make me realize that I have changed my position in my mom's eyes and that for me is a major blessing. I now know just how much she supports me and believes in me. Thank you momma and I love you dearly!

Everyday is a battle for me, no matter how good or bad I am doing. Each morning I wake up and dread the fact I have to go to work, but I go anyway due to 2 factors: 1) I have bills to pay, LOL (I think that will make anyone go to work whether or not they want to), and 2) I can't let my clients down by canceling our appointments. So everyday has become, "Force Lori to Work Day".  Luckily I do know that this is the time of year when I cycle into my depression state so I know how to cope with this time of the year, but it is difficult.

On a brighter note, I am almost done with my Self-Harm program that I have spent the past few months working on. A self harm support group has agreed to try it out and test it for me, as well as a few other groups around the world. I am so proud of myself for this accomplishment. Also I got to go to the National Alliance of Peer Specialists Conference last week. Truly enjoyed myself and got to meet the people that I have spent the last year getting to know by phone and email, it was truly a great pleasure, not just to be recognized by this amazing group of people but to see the differences I have made in others lives. Like I have ben saying all a long: I didn't find this job, it found me. Thank you Karma!

August 12, I was in a car accident. The people hit my truck at 70 miles an hour and did $3269.54 in damage to my truck. Thankfully they bounced off the spare tire under my truck and knocked them backwards 100 feet or so, otherwise we all might have been hurt worse then we all were. Totaled their Toyota. The migraines that I have been getting since then are HELL though! I even think I might have to take my Revvie to the Vet and have him looked at since he was thrown around in the back seat. Also my Uncle Lennie passed away and there has been a few other issues I have had this month. August hasn't been a nice month for me!

Oh well time to run and head to work now, but before I go I have one more thing to write: my gratitude list....

1) I am grateful for the accomplishments that I am making.
2) I am grateful for all the people that find strength in my accomplishments.
3) I am grateful for the love and support my mom has shown me!
4) I am grateful for what my higher power has helped me achieve.
5) I am grateful everyday for the work I am doing.

Possible Stupidity?

I know I haven't written in a mighty long time, but I have been an extremely busy person. I am now in-charge of the NC Peer Support Association, own my own company, work full time for a Mental Health Company, run and work for another company, and go to school. For many that would mean too busy and they would crash, but for me this is my way of coping.

As usual I have taken on an issue I am unsure how to handle. Someone made a comment to another person and it hurt me. Should I confront them on it? Cause normally I speak my mind, but this person is very close to me (who said it) and I fear that if I do say whats on my mind, as usual they will blow me off or decide never to talk to me again. They are to good of a friend to let go of but their words made me cry tonight which is something I haven't done over anyone in a long time.

So do I say something or do I let it go?

I know as a Peer Support Specialist that I am supposed to take care of myself to no end and if I don't then I would be a ass. I'm feeling confusion, lost, and not very positive right now.....

Clean and Free!

Today marks 20 years that I have been clean of using substances! I am so damn proud of myself!!!!!!

Break the Stigma

Break the Stigma

We walk beside you each and everyday, yet you have no clue who we are. We could be your brother, your sister, your mother, and your father, even your children; yet you have no clue as to who we are. You use words like crazy, insane, mental, strange, and so on; yet you have no idea how we cringe inside when you use those words to describe people around you. You associate all of us with what Hollywood and the media has shown you. Your quick to think all of us are evil and violent.

Everyone has issues; the deciding factor is how you handle yours. Yes we have a mental illness. No it isn’t detectable on the outside yet we are still here. Many of us work beside you everyday; fighting our grief and our pain, yet you pay us no mind. Mental anguish is a killer, a silent one but deadly one.

There are children who cry out for help, but no one notices. They cut themselves, they burn themselves, they have eating disorders, they sleep with who ever will accept them, they drink, they do drugs, and anything else they can do to rid themselves of their pain. But yet you don’t notice or you do and instead you choose to do nothing about it because you’re ashamed of them. Take off the blinders and see that your child needs the help. Who cares what your friends will think about your family. Your children and their wellbeing should rate higher then the next luncheon. Talk to your child to prevent further damage. Get them the help they need, don’t yell and scream at them about what they are doing, instead sit down with them and show them that you care by showing them that it’s okay to open up and talk about what is going on with them.

We are afraid to seek out the help we need because many of us have been shamed by you and made to feel less then welcomed, slowly festering and dying as we seek to fight with-in ourselves the need for survival. Many of us lose the battle and give up, taking out our pain on ourselves. Better to have died, then suffer with the dying inside we would say, but that’s not the answer. We need the shame to stop so that we as a whole can get the care we need instead of feeling like we are broken down. We as a whole need to be able to feel accepted, so that we can open up and feel loved. We as a whole need the abuse to stop so that we can feel safe and secure, not just in our own minds but also in the public eye as well.

Recovery isn’t just for those who have a sickness or a psychical ailment, but for those who have psychological issues as well. Sure we will always have our Bipolar, Schizophrenia, or whatever other mental illness we have, it’s biological and will never go away, but we CAN and DO recover enough to lead a normal life if we so desire. We run fortune 500 companies, are doctors and lawyers, educators, senators and congressmen, we can be anything we want to be just like you if people would just give us a chance. That being said, we NEED you to back off! We need to feel secure enough to leave our homes and get the help we need. We need better care for mental illness. We need to be able to get the health care we need to succeed in our own care so that we can get the required help. We need understanding, not pity. We need to educate the world about mental illnesses instead of the world trying to find a way to rid us or hide us.

Break the stigma of mental illness. Help your friend or family member find the help they need. Help us not feel ashamed to get the help we need. Help us reach out and have a brighter future. Thank you to those who do help us fight the battle!

Bah Humbug? I think not.

Normally this time of year, my Bipolar is at full rage. This is the time of year where I do truly STUPID things and while I can't control them now, I always regret them later. This is also when I normally uncontrollably cut due to being in full rage. This week has brought on some major issues that normally would have sent me over the top, but yet they didn't. Which really goes to show me that I am TRULY doing better then I thought I was.

For starters I found out I am now diabetic. Now normally this would send people into a tailspin and they would flip out thinking it is the end of the world. I didn't though. I took it with a grain of salt and rolled with it. My doctor was actually surprised at how calm I was, so needless to say I shocked her as well. LOL. I am now on a very low calorie diet (probably to low actually), a strict exercise regime, and have to poke and stick 3 times a day. Give me 6 months and I will be on my way to not needing the medicines!

The second thing that happened to me this week is that I had to quit my job. I LOVED that job! But for those of you who know where I work, you also know I was crazy for doing it. I was driving 2 hours each way for work, staying in a hotel while down there, then coming home when my work was done. I was paying my work to go to work when medicaid cut our consumers hours. So I knew it was time to let go and tell them I wouldn't be returning. I did tell them that I wouldn't quit if they could get me a minimum of 25 hours as that would cover my gas and hotel, but they couldn't do it. So all the money I have put into my training will sit and collect dust until I can find another job like the one I had. I adored my job so I do hope I don't stay off work to long. I am hoping they will pick me up for the Raleigh office! Keep your fingers crossed please.

I have too much passion to be a unemployed Peer Specialist! LOL

And I haven't cracked or cut!

The final thing that happened this week is that our heater decided it was done working. The heater chose the coldest week it could to stop heating. So I have been hiding in my room with my dog and my Iguana like the insane Aunt no one wants the rest of the family to find. LOL. We went 3 days with no heat and below freezing temperatures before it got fixed, only to break down again. It is now up and running and trying to heat the house. I am still bundled under 2 coats. LOL

And I'm still in good spirits!

By now, my Bipolar or hell even my Borderline Personality Disorder would have kicked my ass, but this  time around, I am very PROUD of myself for not letting it. For me this year has been a terrific year filled with many new beginnings, a lot of peacefulness, and healing like I never knew before. I'll write about it in my year end blog, so stay close by. I have met many who have helped me more then they realize or could even begin to know and I am very thankful for those people.

Reach out and get the help you need, it may surprise you where it comes from. Oh and if you haven't, be sure to check out my Recovery Blog! I am even in the process of starting my own business. So yes it has been a POWERFUL year!!!!

Lets get back to my grateful list:

1. I am grateful being able to wake up each morning
2. This morning I am grateful for heat
3. I am grateful for my family (wow did I just say that? LOL)
4. I am grateful that school is almost done and I will be a sophmore
5. I am grateful for being able to share this will you all instead of hiding in my misery. Thank You!

Happiness, Heartache, and Lessons Learned....

Two weeks ago I turned 39 and thought the world was going to end. I panicked, I flipped out, and I thought I was going to be 40 instead of 39. LOL. My mom stated I was having an old age moment for her being as it also means 18 days after my birthday, she turns a year older. So I got myself calmed down, realized it wasn't as big a deal as I was making it, and actually began to look forward to the day. What tickled me the most that day was to receive a birthday card from my dear friend in Canada, Melissa. That made me cry and smile, by the simple fact that we haven't even spoken of when our birthdays are.

Well that weekend I decided to treat myself to a trip to Ohio to see my son finally after 2 years. (I miss him terribly.) My mom called it a birthday present to me, thanks mom! We had a wonderful trip just her and I yet what made it even better was the fact that my son never left my side and gave me the biggest hug that ever came from him.

We got there Friday about 4 pm and sat around talking until it was time to leave for the football game, so I spent the 2 hours taking pictures of the boys (my nephews and my son). Needless to say I kept hearing, "I better not see those on facebook." LOL. Opps, their already up. LOL.

Lesson #1 Learned: People can change. Keith never once asked me for money like he always does.

At the football game Dad showed up. I knew he would be there, but I thought he would come looking for me as we haven't seen one another in 3 years. I send him a weekly letter or phone call and normally get NO response from him. For years that hurt and I guess you could say it still does hurt. But there comes a time in your life where you have to accept it isn't going to make a difference in the other persons life or just walk away. Anyway I went looking for him after Keith told me "grandpa is here mom". The only thing my dad had to say is "Hi Lori". He didn't even get down off the bleachers, so I wrapped my arm around his waist and tried hugging him. His response was a tap on my back. I asked him if him and my step-mom would like to go out for breakfast the next morning and he refused to answer me. I finally couldn't take it anymore and walked away trying to hide the tears after I told him good-bye and that I love him. I later found out that he has been throwing away the letters that I write to him.

Lesson #2 Learned: Sometimes no matter how much you try to make up with people, nothing works.

After the football game, I agreed to be the DD as my brother, son, and a few friends wanted to go to a old hangout of mine and listen to a band and have a few drinks. I had wonderful time as I so love music and new upcoming bands. Then the problems started. I have had a few drinks here and there over the past 15 years, but that night, I NEEDED to drink bad! I craved alcohol in ways I never have before. I wanted to get drunk! My son sat down his drink and I started to pick it up (just for a taste mind you), he turned just in time, pulled it from my hand and stated "no mom, you don't really want that." I am so proud of you Keith! Thank you baby for stopping me. After that my brother, his wife, and Keith stayed near me, helping me defeat my urges. The band even gave me a shout out and told me to keep up the great job that I am doing and the progress that I am making, (the band is friends of the family. LOL) Thank You All for being such an awesome family!!!!

Lesson #3 Learned: Help can come from the strangest places, even when you don't realize you need it.

Lesson #4 Learned: As a parent, I can't go to bars with my son. LOL. He says I ruin his reputation and he doesn't like seeing his mother get hit on. LOL. As if he even has a reputation yet.

After we left the bar everyone was hungry so we went out to one of my favorite places to eat when I'm in Ohio and we all laughed like crazy. One of my family's friends came in, saw us carrying on and told the hostess to set him and his wife as far away from us as they could. We loved it!

Saturday morning we got the call that my Aunt had died. She was 66, my dad's oldest sister, and had been suffering for a while so it was just a matter of time.

I love and miss you Aunt Libby, but know your in a better place now!

Anyway, my dad called my brother and didn't call to let me know. That hurt. What also hurt was the fact that he didn't ask me if I wanted to go down home with him, being as he knew I wouldn't be able to stay for the funeral. I was crushed needless to say.

Lesson #5 Learned: Family is very important. Stay in touch with them, no matter how little you hear from them. Facebook has helped me reunite with over 50 family members.

Sunday we left, I didn't want to, but mom and I both had to go back to work on Monday. I cried driving away and missed my son the moment I left the driveway. Keith hugged me and wouldn't let go and that felt so fucking awesome coming from him.

Lesson #6 Learned: You can go home again. Never let anyone tell you differently!

Things I am grateful for today:

1) Getting to see my son, spending time with him, and hearing him say "I miss you mom."
2) For not taking that drink and for my family helping me.
3) Hearing my sister-in-law tell me how proud of me she is for the effort I am making.
4) For having the courage to say hello to my father even though I knew nothing would come from it.
5) For realizing I'm a decent person.