Relapse?

Most days I just sit and look at the sky and wonder where my life went. Had you asked me 2 months ago where I was going, I could have told you, but now I can't even think about where I want to be. You see, I stepped out of my comfort zone and took a chance, I saved $5000.00 and moved back to the North East, got up here, found out nothing I had planned was going to work out and that is when the depression truly sunk in., of course it doesn't help that my depression doesn't even phase him (although he knows my history with it and what I am capable of doing). But see now we are broke, living at his sisters or a hotel and my depression is even greater than normal.

I found out none of my certifications are good up here.
Jobs are hard to come by everywhere.
Housing is very expensive and again hard to come by with a dog.

And yet here I am still fighting, but at the same time you have to wonder what I'm still fighting for? Everyday I want to harm myself and with each passing moment the stuggle gets worse. I mean currently he is working but I fear each day that will end as I fight to find one. I've got to get back to work and now, not later! Which brings me back to the question, "what am I fighting for?" Why am I going through this stuggle? What am I doing with my life? Where is my higher power leading me? What can I do to change all this sorrow in myself? These are all questions I need to find the answers to so that I won't harm or hurt myself.

I know the main answer and that is, I WILL FIGHT TO KEEP ME GOING! But then you have that nagging question in the back of your mind: how long will Lori keep fighting? I look at my past and realize it has never been for that long, (the fighting I mean). But as I'm sitting here writing this, I know it will work out somehow in the end. Right now as we speak he is in the basement while I am sitting on the deck. He is on his computer, I am on mine and when I try to talk to him he gets pissy and walks away. Damnit Ray, I need some help and I need you! But yet I don't say it. I crave normalcy and don't have it so my mind turns to wanting to drink, do drugs, harm myself, or any other thing I know is not right for me. But at the same time I don't do any of them, instead my mind goes to a darker place. Tomorrow I am taking a job that pays $7.00 an hour, which will realize some of my stress but at the same time, I worry "Can I make it on that?"

Am I being honest with myself? I don't know how much I honestly am, and I constantly sit and ruminate about whether I am or not and how much is bu$% shi^. Am I taking on too much of the blame and being distorted in my thinking?

I can't do my grateful list as I no longer truly remember what I am grateful for besides my son

Dear Mental Illness

A letter to my mental illness....

Have I ever told you how much I hate you? Yet I love you for just as many reasons.

Reasons I hate you:

1) You've taken some of my family from me
2) You've helped me ruin relationships in more than one way.
3) you've helped ruin my life in many ways: example, self-harm, theft, jail, and even by messing up in school.
4) You've helped me ruin the lives of many.
5) You've even helped me hold on to relationships that I shouldn't
6) You've help me forget who I am.

The reasons I love you:

1) You've helped me bring back some of my family
2) You've helped me make over 2000 friends in the last 2 years
3) you've taken my life in a whole new direction (Thank You!)
4) You've helped me see that I am not Hopeless and that I am a good person.
5) Thanks to you I have made some great friends in life and experience some amazing relationships
6) You've helped me see where I belong
7) You've helped me see who I am and who I want to be.
8) Because of you I can make someone's life a better place, as well as mine
9) Because of you I can see clearly where I was and where I need to be.

Needless to say, I am doing great where I am now, even with all of your short comings. That being said, there are still 2 people who I want in my world but they aren't, my son and my father. I need their support, yet don't have it, yet I am grateful for this in my life who are my support systems. If your reading this, you know who you are.

To date, I have started school and am almost on to my Junior year while maintaining a 4.0 (who would have ever thought? LOL), I have certificates to teach 5 different classes, and am currently working on 4 more, and will reach my goal of starting a recovery college at the rate I am going and I owe most of it to you my mental illness. Thank you for helping to push me to accomplish these tasks.

Today I am grateful for:
1) My recovery
2) my friends and the many more I will make.
3) My new life.
4) The ability to overcome my fears.
5) My friends going through recovery and them making it...

It's me again Margaret...

Yes it is me. LOL. I know I haven't written in a while, but I have been extremely busy, depression has sank in (and I might add has lasted longer then normal), and as usual I have taken too many projects on.

The other day I got this email, it popped up and said reminder "it's so and so birthday". I haven't seen this person in 4 years and the last time we spoke was a year ago. That little reminder sent me into over-drive. It hit me like a ton of bricks and I  have no clue why. I guess I do have a clue as to why if I really think about it. Every time I drive by a historical site I think of them, every time I hear certain music it makes me think of them, and so much more. I wouldn't say I'm obsessed over them, but I remember how happy I was when I was with them and even when we were away from one another. No one has ever made me feel that way and as usual I pushed them away and ended it like a dumb-ass. Thank you for responding to my email.

Today has been a wild ride for me as I sit here and contemplate where I am today. I own my own company, am co-founder of NCAPS, go to school full-time, and am constantly striving for more, plus I work a full-time job. When am I going to learn that I have enough on my plate and need for no more? Is there something in life I'm looking for? Is there something I am not seeing?

I have this wild need to help anyone and everyone, even though I sometimes feel like a fake when I know in reality I am not. I have saved many people's lives, but for some reason I just can't save mine. Does that make me a hypocrite? I mean most days I feel great, like I can take on the world. Then my mind gets to thinking and asking itself if I am truly doing the right things. I'm judging myself when I know I shouldn't be. I'm holding on to things that I have allowed to hurt me, when I know I shouldn't, all because I have this damn need to feel wanted or needed. Let go Lori!

As a minister, I should be able to let go of everything that ails me and move forward, but instead I find myself lieing to myself to make me feel better. Isn't it about finding your higher power and letting go of your troubles? Maybe I haven't truly found my higher power like I thought I had. I let so much shit drag me down and hold me down. Damn I am tired of it. I need to start living for me!

For many years I spent a lot of time asking myself and others "why". It wouldn't just be about this or that, it would actually be somewhat intelligent questions but if you know me there would always be that not so intelligent "why" question thrown in there just for good measure. LOL. Those why questions went away for a long time, until today. Today the why questions are back and I have no clue as to how they got there. I was doing so damned well not judging myself, then double bam, it hit me today like a damn brick wall !

I don't trust myself! 

Hugs to you all who need them or even just want one....

The crazy inside my head

As a person with Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder, I am often confused as to which disorder is running my mind being as there is very little difference in the 2 of them. I once asked a Psychiatrist what the difference was between the two and the only answer he could give me was "one fell over the borderline". I left just as confused as I am today.

A few things I do know:

1. I stay with men that I eventually start hating and aren't good for me.
2. I leave or lie those who treat me the best, thinking I am not good enough for them. 
3. I self destruct when I see things aren't going as good as I am trying to make them.
4. I come down on myself very very hard, even though I know I shouldn't or didn't have a reason to.

On subject #1, I feel bad for the guys I am with when I truly don't want to be with them. I take pity on them and keep them around, leading them or controlling them. I wish I wasn't this way but I really don't know how to tell them to fuck off and find their own damn life and stop making mine miserable. Damn, I think I just found the way to say it. LOL. Nah, that's just to mean and deep down I know that isn't me anymore.  But I am finding that I have a desire to be open and honest with them and get the bad out of my life  in order for me to grow and move on. But damn it, why can't I say this!

Why in the hell do I allow my mind to control my actions? I can't stand this!

*** From 2011 and never published, till now.

No Resolutions, Just Gratefulness and New Beginnings

Last year, I didn't set any New Years Resolutions except to be happy in 2010. I made that resolution to some extent but for the most part, my life took off in a different direction, a direction that I learned to welcome with open arms. While I will never be fully recovered as most mental illnesses are biological, I can and do function on a daily basis in a pretty good fashion. That is where 2010 came in. 2010 has to be the best year that I ever had besides 1989 (the year my son was born). While I truly thought I was over doing it, I now know I was doing it for a reason. Last year I accomplished many many things that I never would have thought possible in any form. Yes I had bad days and months, but for once the good out weighed the bad. Which for me is a step in the right direction!

We all need hope. We all need to see a brighter future then the one we think we are looking into. Many of us don't know where to truly begin and we find ourselves giving up before we get started, that is what a mental illness does to you.

I have been doing a lot of "trying to help" others lately on facebook and Myspace, only to just come to the realization that I can't help everyone. It's very hard for me to back down and let these people go about trying to get the attention they want, for 2 different reasons; 1) I hate seeing people hurt and 2) being a peer support specialist it is my job to provide hope and to show others that they can recover if they give it a chance. Some you can tell want the help, others you can tell simply want the attention and will do whatever they can to get it. To me this is just wrong, but then I can remember the days when I would do whatever it took to get the attention I wanted regardless of how bad it was. The truth is, is that I don't know if these girls are serious or just craving the attention, which is another reason I can't stand by and let them go down the path they are headed which is death.

There were times when I thought I would go nuts for attention. I hated my father for not giving it to me and for the simple fact he was never around, so when I was with him I was semi-bad. When I was at my mom's I was worse when it came for wanting attention. When I was shipped off to my grandparents I didn't need attention, I knew I was their favorite. But as I got older I wanted a different kind of attention. I needed the attention that only abuse could bring because I had been abused in some manner most of my early life. This hatred, anger, and needed abuse would be what began as Borderline Personality Disorder for me.

*** I started this post in 2011, never published it, and have now decided to just do it.

Without a clue...

Today, as well as on and off for the past couple of days, I have been breaking down and don't even understand why. I've always been known as the strong one and right now I don't feel so strong. I instead feel weak, lost, and in need of something I cannot find. My favorite 4-legged friend, Rev, is even worried about me, (he crawls in my lap and gives me his kind of hug).

For the first time in a long time I feel a need to self-harm. I feel the need to hurt myself or admit myself to the ER and I haven't felt these ways in many years. But I won't do either as it is no longer the thing for me to do. My life is a damned mess and all I can think about is how did I put myself here. Why do I hate myself so bad? Why do I self-sabotage when things are going fantastically well for me? What am I missing here? What am I afraid of? These are just some of the questions I need answers to and only I can answer them.

For me, self-harming is a means to an end. It takes the mental pain away and relieves it for a while with actual physical pain.

*** Never published till now.

A New Day, A New Way

One of my biggest pet-peeves with people has ALWAYS been them pushing their religious beliefs onto me. I call it pet-peeve because I never knew what I truly believed in. It was always my thought that if there truly is a God, then why is the world in such Hell. Plus I never understood what I wanted to believe in, everyone always came across as so pushy.  One thing I did know is that Recovery is truly affected by a Higher Power and it is up to the individual person as to what they believe in, so I took matters into my own hands.

I have always wanted to truly believe in a Higher Power, I just didn't know what mine was or how I would even go about finding it. I knew that I did not believe in the traditional Higher Powers though. Wanting to know more, I decided to take an Ordained Minister course, so unknown to everyone, I just did that. I researched and learned about many different Higher Powers, but still none filled this void I was still feeling.  I was still confused by all of this. One thing I did know was that I have NEVER been one to follow traditional lines of anything!

Lately I have been struggling with all the good work I have been doing. My depression is tormenting me and I have no clue as to what set it off in the opposite direction that I have been going. Depression has a tendency to do that for many. This time though none of the traditional treatment has been working for me. The medicines, therapy, work, not even having someone close to me that I trust completely. I'm at a loss for where I want to be. I have millions of thoughts running through my tormented mind, pulling me in all kinds of directions. Research after research is not even working for me, so I knew I had to kick this Higher Power hunt into another gear and push through all this depression and Friday night I did just that. I found my Higher Power and not one in the traditional sense either.

Friday night I got Ordained as a Minister after months of coursework. I went non-denominational so that I could practice any type of Religion that I choose to. My Higher Power is the environment and my surroundings, this much I now know. I went this route as I see that nature is always in Recovery. One season I crashes and the next season it is reborn, just like me. Back and forth, season after season, nature is constantly in rebirth and death. It is always growing year after year and this is how I see myself.

Your probably wondering by now which route or religion I went: I am now a Ordained Minister of the Celtic Pagan faith. This works two-fold for me: 1) it is my heritage and 2) it is now my Higher Power. I am thankful to finally find my Higher Power and while it was right in front of my face the entire time, It took me 39 years to find and see that.

I guess the moral of this blog post is to find something you believe in and even when your feeling down, don't stop believing in it as it will always be there for you. Everywhere I look I see nature and the beauty in it whether it is winter, summer, spring, or fall, it is there for me, I just have to open my eyes and see what I believe in.

My grateful list:

1) I am grateful for the opportunity to become an Ordained Minister and to be able to spread the word of Recovery in a new light.
2) I am grateful for my newfound faith in myself
3) I am grateful to be able to watch my dog enjoy himself with his toys and to be able to entertain himself when he wants to.
4) I am grateful for having a job and being able to go to college.
5) I am grateful for finally being able to find some peace in my life.


*** Written in 2011 and again, never published till now.