I find myself sitting here, day to day with nothing to write but yet so much to say. I am on a path of self discovery and it seems to be leading no where fast. Telling myself daily that I am "okay" doesn't seem to work anymore! I still seem to have the day dreams of getting out of the vehicle while it's still moving or falling and breaking my neck. Are these signs or are they premanicians? I don't know but I do know if I keep having them I am going to go nuts, after all we aren't supposed to be day dreaming about killing ourselves. Are we? They are so real and I can almost feel the pain of these dreams, more so then I felt the pain of self mutilating. I even feel the pain of others around me after these things have happened. I sure as hell wish I knew what they meant.
School is going well, even if I can't enjoy the awesome grades I have gotten so far. Sharanda says that because I spent my teenage years fucking off in school and getting bad grades, that that is why I can't enjoy the great grades I am getting now. Why do I have these damn mental blocks that will not let me move forward! With school, I know why. Growing up I always did poorly to get by. The early years, someone was there to tell me I had done bad, but as I moved on through the grades no one seemed to care anymore and I felt like they had just given up on me so I did what ever I could to get attention from the one person I wanted it from the most: my dad. Sure he would say a few words here and there, but never go into to much detail with me on why or what I could do to change it or even that I was doing a great job. Hell I don't even remember him being at my graduation.
I'm having issues with food right now. I find myself eating little meals on the rare occasion, but then gorging the rest of the day. No matter how full I am or feel I am, I'm still shoveling food in. It's like I have given up on myself all over again. I have made call after call to the local fitness centers, they all want more then I can afford in order to join them. If I do this at home (i.e.: walking and other exercises), then I don't have the motivation I would if I was in a gym. My size is beginning to scare me. I have no energy, no motivation. I live in a house where everyone is plus sized and they have no motivation to help me let alone help themselves. This past summer I began to have heart issues, I can feel my body doing the same things it did before I had my heart failure. Yes I am scared!
On a happy note, grandma is my salvation right now. Between taking care of her and school I had enough money to make my truck payment and to get my laptop back, so I am safe for another month. LOL.
I got a phone call yesterday. My son has lost his license and still continues to drive. His truck has been impounded and his tags revoked. He called me asking me for the money to help him. He knows I have little to no income, but yet went off the deep end and started screaming and cussing when I told him I couldn't help him. Oh my bundle of joy, where have you gone!. It has now been 15 months since I last saw him and it hurts very badly. I find myself needing him more and more as each year passes, but yet I find myself being drawn far away from him to. This is something I am going to have to figure out thats for sure!
Is it the Bipolar or the Borderline Personality Disorder that does this to me. Hell I know I am to blame, but what stops me, pushes me, and blocks me?
I'll start writing again, I promise!
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Stress and the ME Factors
Sorry that I haven't written lately but it just feels like things are over whelming me right now between school, taking care of grandma, helping out with mom, and everything else that I take on. Some days I feel like I'm going nuts, others I feel like I know where my head is.
My therapist had me do a little exercise this morning, she filled both my hands with crayons, picked out one for each of my stress factors, and with the ones that were left asked me where I fit in, my reply was that I don't fit in. (I should note here: I asked her if she was going to make me drop them and she said no. LOL) So she then made me open my hands, dropping all but one crayon on the floor. The one that didn't fall she said was "me". My first instinct was to pick them all up, she told me no! She then made me put the crayon in my pocket and told me to carry it every where I go. We went on talking a little bit more and as we were making my next appointment she said again, "your not picking up those crayons lori so don't even think about it." LOL How did she know I still wanted to pick them up? She said she saw me sneaking glances at them through-out the rest of my session.
So as we were walking out, I hesitated to go back and pick up the crayons, she took my hand and walked me to the front desk, told me in no uncertain terms was I to worry about any of those crayons on the floor, worry about the one in my pocket only! So gee I guess she was saying it is time for Lori to wipe out stress factors that shouldnt be in my life and move on taking care of me!
To write another day!
My therapist had me do a little exercise this morning, she filled both my hands with crayons, picked out one for each of my stress factors, and with the ones that were left asked me where I fit in, my reply was that I don't fit in. (I should note here: I asked her if she was going to make me drop them and she said no. LOL) So she then made me open my hands, dropping all but one crayon on the floor. The one that didn't fall she said was "me". My first instinct was to pick them all up, she told me no! She then made me put the crayon in my pocket and told me to carry it every where I go. We went on talking a little bit more and as we were making my next appointment she said again, "your not picking up those crayons lori so don't even think about it." LOL How did she know I still wanted to pick them up? She said she saw me sneaking glances at them through-out the rest of my session.
So as we were walking out, I hesitated to go back and pick up the crayons, she took my hand and walked me to the front desk, told me in no uncertain terms was I to worry about any of those crayons on the floor, worry about the one in my pocket only! So gee I guess she was saying it is time for Lori to wipe out stress factors that shouldnt be in my life and move on taking care of me!
To write another day!
Friday, January 15, 2010
Dear Daddy Part 2
Dear Daddy;
I have 2 words for you today. FUCK YOU!
Yes I finally said it and I truly mean it. Your lack of need to be my father really sucks dad. Do you think that if I had been born a boy that you would have been a better father? I know one thing you would have spent more time with me if I had been a boy, that’s for damn sure. You always had no problem being there with Shawn and Jeff. You coached their sports teams, went to their games, and yet you found it in yourself not to be involved with me.
I can remember one of my suicide attempts like it was yesterday. I put Keith Alan in the truck (he must have been about 5) and I drove like a mad woman down Forest Hills Road, hoping like hell I would lose control on one of the corners, instantly killing both of us. Luckily it didn’t happen and I made it to Tracy’s house, safe. I gave her my son and locked myself in her laundry room and refused to come out till she called you. You showed up and did nothing but complain about having to be there.
All I wanted was for you to tell me you love me. I wanted your affection that night and you weren’t even fucking man enough to hug your daughter! Yes I had problems then with you and I still have problems with you now.
I called you a few nights ago and you spoke to me less than 5 minutes. You were more worried I was going to ask you about money than anything. Why is that Dad? I haven’t asked you for anything in many years. I take that back, I have asked you for affection. To show me that you know how to be a dad to your daughter. That you have some sort of desire to be my dad and not just the boy’s dad.
What did I ever do to you besides being born that was so wrong? Do you think I’m the reason you had to get married? Do you feel I’m the reason your life started off so badly when you finally got the courage to move out into the real world? It’s not my fault that you couldn’t keep your dick in your pants with my mom! It’s not my fault that your childhood sucked and you had to grow up faster than most kids do! It’s not my fault that you never finished high school!
So why hold all these things against me? Why hold you’re fucked up life against me and turn your back on your family?
You and Mom are the reason my life started out so badly. You and mom are the reason I have Borderline Personality Disorder. LOL. For the first time in my life I can honestly blame you and mom for the way I have lived my life, sure not for my actions as those are mine, but for the way I perceive things, yep that yours and her fault. The difference between you and her is that she has stuck by me while you have just washed your hands of me and refuse to believe there is anything wrong with me. Mom tries to show me the right path while you just try to ignore me. But you can’t can you dad. My son living with you is proof that you have a daughter, a reminder that you have a fucked up kid somewhere out in the world.
So today I am making it “Fuck You Dad Day”!
Monday, January 11, 2010
A New Beginning... School
I am so nervous, yet so excited. Today marks officially the first day of school for me. I am going for my Bachelor's in Psychology! So far I am a week ahead in my classes since I have ben working a head, that is what happens when you chose a all online school. You know your assignments way a head of time.
I am apprehensive due to the fact that reading over others posts I see them using words I can't get my mind around. Hell for the first assignment I had to have mom decipher a sentence for me in order to complete my tasks. Now mind you, I'm not a stupid person, but my mind doesn't focus or comprehend as it should. So I can see right now that this is going to be a issue for me.
Seeing all the big words that the others are using and me not knowing the definitions is a scary feeling, specially when I know that I have to go hand in hand with my laptop just to find the meanings of things in order to get by. I left my dictionary and thesaurus in Georgia, so I will have to carry my laptop at all times just to complete an offline task. LOL. Boy will I look funny having it like a leash around my neck.
So yes I am scared but extremely excited about returning to school....
I am apprehensive due to the fact that reading over others posts I see them using words I can't get my mind around. Hell for the first assignment I had to have mom decipher a sentence for me in order to complete my tasks. Now mind you, I'm not a stupid person, but my mind doesn't focus or comprehend as it should. So I can see right now that this is going to be a issue for me.
Seeing all the big words that the others are using and me not knowing the definitions is a scary feeling, specially when I know that I have to go hand in hand with my laptop just to find the meanings of things in order to get by. I left my dictionary and thesaurus in Georgia, so I will have to carry my laptop at all times just to complete an offline task. LOL. Boy will I look funny having it like a leash around my neck.
So yes I am scared but extremely excited about returning to school....
Sunday, January 10, 2010
A New Low... Bulimia
Overcoming Bulimia: Your Comprehensive, Step-By-Step Guide to Recovery (New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook)
I am out of cash, there for I can't buy the one thing that held me from all my other past addictions; smoking. I can't afford to buy the cigerretes that kept me from drinking, wanting to do drugs, or from my food addictions. So I have started bingeing and purging.
I don't eat for days, then when I do eat, I eat mass amounts, then go vomit. Mom had every right to worry I would start doing that again. Because it came true.
As a teenager who was always over weight, bingeing and purging came in handy for me. My dad was constantly on my ass about my weight, my mom didnt really seem to care about it, my grandma always had me at TOPS or weight watchers meeting. All the while unbeknown to them I was bulimic. I was always a miserable fat kid! Specially since my family seemed to take it into their own hands to "force" me to go to these meetings and take diet pills, making my Bulimia even worse.
The summer before my junior year, I lost 110 pounds. I did it on a mixture of bingeing and purging and white crosses. I was happy, I then got a boyfriend, I actually went out and did things, then I got pregnant and gained all the weight back and then some. It has been down hill ever since.
Mom asked me a few weeks ago if I was bulimic again. I honestly answered her no, which was the case. Then about a week ago I ran out of cash and started digging myself raw and bingeing. Now I can't stop. Smoking for me has always been my addiction of choice since I had quit doing all the other things that are bad for you, ie: drugs, alcohol, sexual, food addictions, and yes even self mutilation. So for me smoking has had it benefitts.
Bulimics on Bulimia
I am out of cash, there for I can't buy the one thing that held me from all my other past addictions; smoking. I can't afford to buy the cigerretes that kept me from drinking, wanting to do drugs, or from my food addictions. So I have started bingeing and purging.
I don't eat for days, then when I do eat, I eat mass amounts, then go vomit. Mom had every right to worry I would start doing that again. Because it came true.
As a teenager who was always over weight, bingeing and purging came in handy for me. My dad was constantly on my ass about my weight, my mom didnt really seem to care about it, my grandma always had me at TOPS or weight watchers meeting. All the while unbeknown to them I was bulimic. I was always a miserable fat kid! Specially since my family seemed to take it into their own hands to "force" me to go to these meetings and take diet pills, making my Bulimia even worse.
The summer before my junior year, I lost 110 pounds. I did it on a mixture of bingeing and purging and white crosses. I was happy, I then got a boyfriend, I actually went out and did things, then I got pregnant and gained all the weight back and then some. It has been down hill ever since.
Mom asked me a few weeks ago if I was bulimic again. I honestly answered her no, which was the case. Then about a week ago I ran out of cash and started digging myself raw and bingeing. Now I can't stop. Smoking for me has always been my addiction of choice since I had quit doing all the other things that are bad for you, ie: drugs, alcohol, sexual, food addictions, and yes even self mutilation. So for me smoking has had it benefitts.
Bulimics on Bulimia
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Bad Day
This morning I woke up feeling pretty awesome! Stayed up till the wee hours of the morning kicking mom and Dave's asses in Euchure and UNO. Laughed my ass off and every sprayed water on Dave when I lost it in a laughing fit. All in all I would say it was a pretty terrific night. I woke up feeling refreshed and happy.
For no known reason, that all crashed around me about an hour ago. All I want to do is self mutilate and harm myself in the craziest ways. I am actually afraid of myself at this moment. I feel like my world is crashing down around me and it is. My thoughts are very hectic and out of control. I don't know what to do and I have no one I can turn to to talk to. All 3 of my friends are far away or have problems of their own or are at a place where they can't be reached.
Then to top it off, my mom has convinced my Aunt that I do a wonderful job selling shit so if "she needs something done, have Lori do it". Like I need more bullshit added to the way I am feeling right now. I mean, I have to drive an hour each way to my Aunts house, take the pictures, price her shit, and do the descriptions, then put it all online and have the people contact me to set it all up because they don't want to do it themselves nor do they want to take direction to complete the task.
Yes I am in a severe depressed mood!
I miss the days when I wasn't so depressed, the days when I could function like a fucking normal person. I want my sanity back! I can't sit around all damn day tearful and ready to burst out crying like I fucking am. I'm tired when I should be proud of myself. Hell I did all my assignment for class by yesterday and they aren't even due till Thursday. Damn right I should be proud of me, but I'm not. I hate me right now.
My Bipolar tries to control me and my life. I don't let it, but it seems to take over regardless of wether I want it to or not. I'm tired of having uncontrolled Bipolar and other Mental Illnesses. I'm tired of feeling so low in my life. I do great things for a few months, then bam, back down again I go. While manic episodes seem to get me into trouble, I would much rather have one right now then feel as suicidal as I am feeling. Life can not go on like this, but yet it seems to.
Where is my happy middle ground? I try to do good things but yet I can't focus or stay focused. I'm tired of fighting me. I'm tired of living the way that I am. Being broke, feeling like a worthless piece of shit. I know I am better then that. I know I am better then all of this!
Till another day!
For no known reason, that all crashed around me about an hour ago. All I want to do is self mutilate and harm myself in the craziest ways. I am actually afraid of myself at this moment. I feel like my world is crashing down around me and it is. My thoughts are very hectic and out of control. I don't know what to do and I have no one I can turn to to talk to. All 3 of my friends are far away or have problems of their own or are at a place where they can't be reached.
Then to top it off, my mom has convinced my Aunt that I do a wonderful job selling shit so if "she needs something done, have Lori do it". Like I need more bullshit added to the way I am feeling right now. I mean, I have to drive an hour each way to my Aunts house, take the pictures, price her shit, and do the descriptions, then put it all online and have the people contact me to set it all up because they don't want to do it themselves nor do they want to take direction to complete the task.
Yes I am in a severe depressed mood!
I miss the days when I wasn't so depressed, the days when I could function like a fucking normal person. I want my sanity back! I can't sit around all damn day tearful and ready to burst out crying like I fucking am. I'm tired when I should be proud of myself. Hell I did all my assignment for class by yesterday and they aren't even due till Thursday. Damn right I should be proud of me, but I'm not. I hate me right now.
My Bipolar tries to control me and my life. I don't let it, but it seems to take over regardless of wether I want it to or not. I'm tired of having uncontrolled Bipolar and other Mental Illnesses. I'm tired of feeling so low in my life. I do great things for a few months, then bam, back down again I go. While manic episodes seem to get me into trouble, I would much rather have one right now then feel as suicidal as I am feeling. Life can not go on like this, but yet it seems to.
Where is my happy middle ground? I try to do good things but yet I can't focus or stay focused. I'm tired of fighting me. I'm tired of living the way that I am. Being broke, feeling like a worthless piece of shit. I know I am better then that. I know I am better then all of this!
Till another day!
Friday, January 8, 2010
My Chaotic Bipolar Mind
With the chaos that plays in my mind, thanks in part to Bipolar, I have a hard time living this wonderful life sentence. (Yes I am being a smart ass when I say it's wonderful. ) I have my up and down days, my where in the hell am I days, as well as my crazy days and lets not forget my total isolation days. Trust me if I could have a kitchenette in my room no one would probably see me for months. I live my life pretty much in total isolation, except when I have to go to group or to see my grandma. I have little contact with anyone outside of the house, except for when I talk to people online.
My online friends are sometimes a joy, a lifesaver, and even a hindrance to me. They are there when I need someone to talk to, to vent to, and yes even to nurture me. But what they can't understand is that I have Bipolar, Borderline Personality Disorder, and a few other diagnosed mental illnesses that I deal with on a daily basis and when I don't answer them via email or instant messenger they seem to get offened or pissy even. How the hell do you tell someone you will more then likely never meet these intamite things about you. Hell for the most part you don't even want to admit it to yourself, at least I don't.
Please take a moment to get up and go get something to drink as I am taking a moment since my mommy just brought me a blueberry & pineapple smoothie. LOL. YUMMY!!!!!
I hate admitting I have anything wrong with me, specially of the mental capacity. Everyone is always telling me how intelligent I am. I don't see it one bit. Well I take that back, I'm street smart but not book smart. In today's society, book smart is what counts.
Most days, with me I either love it or hate it, there is no middle ground, no gray spot. I'm black or white and nothing more. Hell if you read my journals most of them are all over the place with my writing. I can't stand the negativity that surrounds me but yet I am negative myself most of the time. I can't stand to be around people who are always crying and whining, but yet it seems like I do a lot of it. I can't stand to be around people who are always being "needy", but again, I am a "needy" person. I avoid people who don't need me to take care of them, but yet I don't want taken care of either.
I have no idea right now where I am going with this post for today, so I will just end it here.
Have a wonderful day!
My online friends are sometimes a joy, a lifesaver, and even a hindrance to me. They are there when I need someone to talk to, to vent to, and yes even to nurture me. But what they can't understand is that I have Bipolar, Borderline Personality Disorder, and a few other diagnosed mental illnesses that I deal with on a daily basis and when I don't answer them via email or instant messenger they seem to get offened or pissy even. How the hell do you tell someone you will more then likely never meet these intamite things about you. Hell for the most part you don't even want to admit it to yourself, at least I don't.
Please take a moment to get up and go get something to drink as I am taking a moment since my mommy just brought me a blueberry & pineapple smoothie. LOL. YUMMY!!!!!
I hate admitting I have anything wrong with me, specially of the mental capacity. Everyone is always telling me how intelligent I am. I don't see it one bit. Well I take that back, I'm street smart but not book smart. In today's society, book smart is what counts.
Most days, with me I either love it or hate it, there is no middle ground, no gray spot. I'm black or white and nothing more. Hell if you read my journals most of them are all over the place with my writing. I can't stand the negativity that surrounds me but yet I am negative myself most of the time. I can't stand to be around people who are always crying and whining, but yet it seems like I do a lot of it. I can't stand to be around people who are always being "needy", but again, I am a "needy" person. I avoid people who don't need me to take care of them, but yet I don't want taken care of either.
I have no idea right now where I am going with this post for today, so I will just end it here.
Have a wonderful day!
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