In a matter of 3 days I lost 12 hours at work due to medicaid cutting consumers hours. I adore my job, love all my consumers to no end and they know that I would do anything I could for them. Except give them extra hours like the ones they got taken away from them. Technically your not supposed to befriend your consumers, but I saw no way around it. After all their supposed to trust you and accept you at your word when you tell them that this or that worked for you and your trying to convince them to try the same things to help them through their recovery. So I see no way around befriending them.
I make no money off of my job. All the money I make goes towards gas and my hotel room, leaving just enough to pay one bill each month. So it's really not the money I'm worried about. Its the fact that I feel greedy about losing my hours with my consumers. I have made so much progress with 2 of them that I hate to see them back slide all because of their medicaid. So in a way I'm being greedy for them.
I am seeing a pattern here. My writing is all over the place, I'm confused about what I am mad about, which means only one thing. Depression! Course it doesn't help I've been out of medication for over a month. LOL. I think I need to head to bed.
Oh and I made a very bad joke at work today. We were sitting around talking about the P Doc refilling prescriptions and I asked my QP if she thought he would write me a script for my Klonapin. They didn't find it funny. However I had a great laugh when I saw the look on their face. LOL
Sweet Dreams All.....
1) I am grateful for this oppritunity to tell a friend I am sorry after a year and a half!
2) I am grateful for the people I have met through work.
3) I am grateful that school starts again next week.
4) I am grateful for the rain we have had, even if it makes my job harder since this entire area is very flood prone.
5) I am grateful for the Iguana that I rescued who is now happy and content.
Showing posts with label Mental. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mental. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Depression sinks in again....
It snuck up on me again. This is the second time in a month that I have been so depressed that I have thought about it 3 times now. Self-mutilating that is.
Things were looking up so awesomely to the point that my mom and grammy felt I was taking on to much. I admit I might have been but I was holding my own, till 2 weeks ago. I took a job 2 hours away from home and was driving the 4 hour round trip daily, until I got a call from a Raleigh Mental Health office offering me a position. SO obviously I quit the long commute and took the shorter one. Well the new company hasn't used me once, but yet they sure as hell have charged me for the training that they have made me take. I'm officially indebted to my new company for $350.00 and have yet to work a day at this point. Can we say cracking #1.
Cracking #2 is that I bought my training manuals, need to make 3 copies of the student manual and 1 copy of the teaching manual plus copies of all the hand outs that I will be using. The kid at the copy center told me it would be about 5 cents since I was getting so many copies, went to pick them up and bam!, triple the price that was quoted. I had counted on 40 bucks, instead it cost me $164.95. I'm in fucking hell by now. Can't afford the cost of the printings and they won't return my manuals till I pay for the copies. The good thing is that they are printed so that when I do get them back, all I have to do is put them together, send them in, wait 10 weeks, and pray they approve them so that I can teach Peer Support Specialist Training.
Anyone know where I can get a loan? LOL
I did apply for a Pepsi Refresh grant, it goes live July first and you can bet I will put a link on my blog so that people can vote for it. I want to train 100 people who would otherwise have no hope at getting a job do something that would be very rewarding to them in the long run, become a PSS. With so many budget cuts, many people have lost their services who were doing so well with the help. Medicare is finally getting ready to pass a definition for the PSS job which will create hundreds of jobs across the state and many other states are following suit since we don't cost as much as an RN or CSAC would. This grant would pay for their manuals, to attend the class for free instead of having to find ways to cover the costs, and so much more. So please when I put the link up, take a minute and vote for my organization.
Cracking #3 would be the fact that my truck payment is coming up soon, again thanks to the job not working me, I don't have it. Cracking #4 is the fact that last month I lost my MAC, got it back by putting it on layaway for double what I lost it for, and now I don't have that payment either. SO needless to say, I am hanging on by a tiny thread that has unraveled down to less then one and it's ready to break.
Why does everything revolved around money? It seems like most days, that is what causes much of my depression. I live with my mom and have paid her 50 bucks in 9 months even though I do contribute my food stamps to the house, but I hate that I can't pay her more since my step-dad doesn't work either, but at least I'm trying.
My grandma told me today that I am her "HOPE", making me feel like royal shit! So when she asked me how I have been doing I just smiled and said "ok grandma". Of course they have been expecting me to get this way, I just don't show them, nor do I let them in on my depression because there isn't anything they can do about it. They hold me to such high standards that I have set myself, that I feel like an even bigger failure when I let them down. I almost went over to the Durham Center today and checked myself in, that how close I am. Hell I still might. I have not had to be institutionalized in 13 years and I feel I am coming that close right now.
I hope everyone has a great day!
Things were looking up so awesomely to the point that my mom and grammy felt I was taking on to much. I admit I might have been but I was holding my own, till 2 weeks ago. I took a job 2 hours away from home and was driving the 4 hour round trip daily, until I got a call from a Raleigh Mental Health office offering me a position. SO obviously I quit the long commute and took the shorter one. Well the new company hasn't used me once, but yet they sure as hell have charged me for the training that they have made me take. I'm officially indebted to my new company for $350.00 and have yet to work a day at this point. Can we say cracking #1.
Cracking #2 is that I bought my training manuals, need to make 3 copies of the student manual and 1 copy of the teaching manual plus copies of all the hand outs that I will be using. The kid at the copy center told me it would be about 5 cents since I was getting so many copies, went to pick them up and bam!, triple the price that was quoted. I had counted on 40 bucks, instead it cost me $164.95. I'm in fucking hell by now. Can't afford the cost of the printings and they won't return my manuals till I pay for the copies. The good thing is that they are printed so that when I do get them back, all I have to do is put them together, send them in, wait 10 weeks, and pray they approve them so that I can teach Peer Support Specialist Training.
Anyone know where I can get a loan? LOL
I did apply for a Pepsi Refresh grant, it goes live July first and you can bet I will put a link on my blog so that people can vote for it. I want to train 100 people who would otherwise have no hope at getting a job do something that would be very rewarding to them in the long run, become a PSS. With so many budget cuts, many people have lost their services who were doing so well with the help. Medicare is finally getting ready to pass a definition for the PSS job which will create hundreds of jobs across the state and many other states are following suit since we don't cost as much as an RN or CSAC would. This grant would pay for their manuals, to attend the class for free instead of having to find ways to cover the costs, and so much more. So please when I put the link up, take a minute and vote for my organization.
Cracking #3 would be the fact that my truck payment is coming up soon, again thanks to the job not working me, I don't have it. Cracking #4 is the fact that last month I lost my MAC, got it back by putting it on layaway for double what I lost it for, and now I don't have that payment either. SO needless to say, I am hanging on by a tiny thread that has unraveled down to less then one and it's ready to break.
Why does everything revolved around money? It seems like most days, that is what causes much of my depression. I live with my mom and have paid her 50 bucks in 9 months even though I do contribute my food stamps to the house, but I hate that I can't pay her more since my step-dad doesn't work either, but at least I'm trying.
My grandma told me today that I am her "HOPE", making me feel like royal shit! So when she asked me how I have been doing I just smiled and said "ok grandma". Of course they have been expecting me to get this way, I just don't show them, nor do I let them in on my depression because there isn't anything they can do about it. They hold me to such high standards that I have set myself, that I feel like an even bigger failure when I let them down. I almost went over to the Durham Center today and checked myself in, that how close I am. Hell I still might. I have not had to be institutionalized in 13 years and I feel I am coming that close right now.
I hope everyone has a great day!
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Negative, with a Positive Twist
We all reflect on the negative things in life, but for those of us who suffer from a Mental Illness, such as Bipolar Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress, Borderline Personality Disorder, Major Depression, it can be hard to let go of all the negative things that have happened in our lives either directly to use or surrounding us.
The road to recovery begins by starting to let the feelings of negativity go.
Your probably saying to yourself right now that I'm crazy for even suggesting it, but trust me I'm not. When you let go of the negative and put your energy in another direction, things might not look totally out of this world awesome, but they will slowly start to improve!
I read a hell of a lot of blogs and messages on boards through out each day and the thing that grabs me the most of each message is the negativity (yes even on my blog). You'd think it would be the person's need for help or attention that would grab me the most, but it's not, it the negative reflections that they have on themselves or their lives.
One thing I have learned from my DBT group, if anything, is that surrounding myself with to much negativity kills me, even when it comes from myself. It makes me want to cut, get depressed, or whatever. But it does kill me. Trust me, too much positivity makes me want to puke also. LOL. So I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Where do we find a happy medium?
I have a quote on my vision wall that I read daily, I'll put it here to share with you all. It inspires me to become a better person.
I adore that quote! Just something about it makes me WANT to succeed in my recovery and stick to it!
I know its a hard thing to do, but try to think positive and at some point it will all start to click. Don't reflect on the negative if you can help it.....
5 Things I am Grateful for today....
1) My vision wall! It helps me see the positive when all I want is the negative.
2) Wet puppy kisses and loving when all I want to do is curl up and cry
3) Books that take my mind off the dark places.
4) Birds chirping to remind me I'm alive.
5) For being able to go swimming when all I wanted to do was hide away.
The road to recovery begins by starting to let the feelings of negativity go.
Your probably saying to yourself right now that I'm crazy for even suggesting it, but trust me I'm not. When you let go of the negative and put your energy in another direction, things might not look totally out of this world awesome, but they will slowly start to improve!
I read a hell of a lot of blogs and messages on boards through out each day and the thing that grabs me the most of each message is the negativity (yes even on my blog). You'd think it would be the person's need for help or attention that would grab me the most, but it's not, it the negative reflections that they have on themselves or their lives.
One thing I have learned from my DBT group, if anything, is that surrounding myself with to much negativity kills me, even when it comes from myself. It makes me want to cut, get depressed, or whatever. But it does kill me. Trust me, too much positivity makes me want to puke also. LOL. So I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Where do we find a happy medium?
I have a quote on my vision wall that I read daily, I'll put it here to share with you all. It inspires me to become a better person.
The most inspirational thing in life is a person who has overcome obstacles and hardships. Norman Vincent Peale
I adore that quote! Just something about it makes me WANT to succeed in my recovery and stick to it!
I know its a hard thing to do, but try to think positive and at some point it will all start to click. Don't reflect on the negative if you can help it.....
5 Things I am Grateful for today....
1) My vision wall! It helps me see the positive when all I want is the negative.
2) Wet puppy kisses and loving when all I want to do is curl up and cry
3) Books that take my mind off the dark places.
4) Birds chirping to remind me I'm alive.
5) For being able to go swimming when all I wanted to do was hide away.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Giving Up!
I'm tired of fighting! This all came about with in the last few hours. What started out as a great day quickly turned to shit after I woke up from my nap. I realized that I more then likely wont reach my goal of becoming a Peer Support Specialist due to not being able to afford the classes. I realized that come next week my laptop will probably be lost to the pawn shop to make my truck payment. I realized my grammy more or less has become forgetful or fails to remember things.
Had my last DBT group today. Felt good about leaving them, but now I want them back. Sharonda even had me tell the group the way I felt my outcome has been since joining the group, another person agreed and that felt great that it seems to help other as well. However, I feel lost right now.
Today is also my last day of school until the 12th of April. I did awesome for the first time in my life, but again, I feel empty.
Have I been fooling myself into thinking things were getting better for me? Mental Illnesses fucking blow!!!
Had my last DBT group today. Felt good about leaving them, but now I want them back. Sharonda even had me tell the group the way I felt my outcome has been since joining the group, another person agreed and that felt great that it seems to help other as well. However, I feel lost right now.
Today is also my last day of school until the 12th of April. I did awesome for the first time in my life, but again, I feel empty.
Have I been fooling myself into thinking things were getting better for me? Mental Illnesses fucking blow!!!
Friday, March 19, 2010
Working, Hoping, Praying....
I find myself longing for a job this morning! Something I haven't felt in years.
I want to help other's who are in the same boat I am and for the most part I can't help them till I complete Peer Support training, my Psychology degree or some other means to obtain that job. I finally found a Peer Support Specialist Training group over in Winston Salem, but they charge $250.00 bucks for their course and with my truck payment coming up, I just don't have that kind of cash. It crushes me to feel that helpless!
Besides that blow, this week ended my individual therapy and my group therapy. Again, I am crushed! I was really starting to like both and feel they were finally beginning to help me. Sure I can go back, if I'm in CRISIS mode!!! Which really fucking sucks. Why should someone have to be in crisis mode to get the help they need? The way I see it, if someone is trying to get the help to make their life better, BEFORE THEY GO INTO CRISIS MODE, doesn't it make more sense to help them then as well if they are reaching out for it?
I so am beginning to hate the government more and more when it comes to getting the healthcare help I need!
If I won the lottery, one of the first things I would do is open a pro-bono mental health facility, a grant writer, and a staff who has the same love that I do for mental health. Kind of like Patch Adam of the mental health world. LOL
I have big dreams, big ideas, and I finally see that if I put my mind to something I CAN DO IT! LOL. Never thought I'd hear that come out of my mouth.
I swear I'm not have a Borderline Personality issue, I'm not in manic mode, and I'm not having grandiose ideas (except for wanting to win the lottery). I'm not having ay of these, I swear. These are just ideas that I have for the future and at some point in my life I just want to see happen. I want to help those who are worse off then me recover, have some form of life, or begin to live again. I'm not trying to cure the world, I just want to help the world. This is my way of being the people pleaser that I know I am, with a catch; to help myself along the way.
5 things I am Grateful for today......
1) To be in recovery and realize that I have actually been for the past 6 years.
2) To finally accept that I am a good person and that I can do great things!
3) That I have a wonderful and supporting mother, even if I don't tell her.
4) That I actually finished the first quarter of school with out dropping out!!!! YIPEE!!!!!
5) For the kisses that wake me up every morning, from my puppy telling me he has to go outside. LMAO
I want to help other's who are in the same boat I am and for the most part I can't help them till I complete Peer Support training, my Psychology degree or some other means to obtain that job. I finally found a Peer Support Specialist Training group over in Winston Salem, but they charge $250.00 bucks for their course and with my truck payment coming up, I just don't have that kind of cash. It crushes me to feel that helpless!
Besides that blow, this week ended my individual therapy and my group therapy. Again, I am crushed! I was really starting to like both and feel they were finally beginning to help me. Sure I can go back, if I'm in CRISIS mode!!! Which really fucking sucks. Why should someone have to be in crisis mode to get the help they need? The way I see it, if someone is trying to get the help to make their life better, BEFORE THEY GO INTO CRISIS MODE, doesn't it make more sense to help them then as well if they are reaching out for it?
I so am beginning to hate the government more and more when it comes to getting the healthcare help I need!
If I won the lottery, one of the first things I would do is open a pro-bono mental health facility, a grant writer, and a staff who has the same love that I do for mental health. Kind of like Patch Adam of the mental health world. LOL
I have big dreams, big ideas, and I finally see that if I put my mind to something I CAN DO IT! LOL. Never thought I'd hear that come out of my mouth.
I swear I'm not have a Borderline Personality issue, I'm not in manic mode, and I'm not having grandiose ideas (except for wanting to win the lottery). I'm not having ay of these, I swear. These are just ideas that I have for the future and at some point in my life I just want to see happen. I want to help those who are worse off then me recover, have some form of life, or begin to live again. I'm not trying to cure the world, I just want to help the world. This is my way of being the people pleaser that I know I am, with a catch; to help myself along the way.
5 things I am Grateful for today......
1) To be in recovery and realize that I have actually been for the past 6 years.
2) To finally accept that I am a good person and that I can do great things!
3) That I have a wonderful and supporting mother, even if I don't tell her.
4) That I actually finished the first quarter of school with out dropping out!!!! YIPEE!!!!!
5) For the kisses that wake me up every morning, from my puppy telling me he has to go outside. LMAO
Friday, March 12, 2010
Fighting the Fight, one at a time...
I have decided that it is time to fight only ONE battle at a time instead of trying to take on all of them at once. There for I have chosen to fight my Borderline Personality Disorder since I know it is something I can CHOOSE to recover from, the Bipolar I'll have the rest of my life (like it or not, since it is chemical in-balanced). I know I will never be 100% normal, but then what exactly is normal and who the hell defines who or what is normal.
Being in the hospital last night for 9 hours really gives you time to think and think away I did. I realized, analyzed, and contemplated everything in my life that could change for the better and decided what I could and couldn't throw out. I decided that while I am taking a very big hand in my own recovery, I'm overwhelming myself by taking on to much at once. I'm trying to recover from my Borderline Personality Disorder, go to group and other therapies, take care of my grandmother, go to school, babysit all the adults in the house, figure out my Bipolar Disorder, and so much more. Something will have to go away! I have decided that since I'm on Bipolar medication and that seems to be stabilizing out, that my Bipolar can sit on the shelf for now and I'll keep taking the medication. Babysitting the adults will have to go to! They should be able to take care of themselves, course they might like that idea, but OH WELL.
Speaking of the other adults, I have noticed that I as I am in the process of my recovery, learning new ways to control my emotions, and sticking up for myself, that they have a tendency to get very pissy and defensive. THEY DO NOT LIKE THE RECOVERING LORI!! LOL. Do you honestly think I care? Nope! I am truly starting to like her and that just makes me happier then a clam in a cream sauce!
Dr. Munching has upped my Anxiety pills though to where I am now taking them daily and as needed. I feel he did this as I am feeling whatever causes my anxiety even more as opposed to where I used to hide under the rug. So in my mind, even though I'm taking more pills, this is a good thing as it means I am "feeling" more!
Ok enough ranting for today! LOL
5 Things that I am Grateful for:
1) That I did not have a heart attack last night!
2) That I do feel I am in Recovery and am Happy about it.
3) That my son chose to call me at 3am last night cause he needed help.
4) That mom made it home safely from Seattle.
5) That I have one week of school left and I had a awesome Semester!
Being in the hospital last night for 9 hours really gives you time to think and think away I did. I realized, analyzed, and contemplated everything in my life that could change for the better and decided what I could and couldn't throw out. I decided that while I am taking a very big hand in my own recovery, I'm overwhelming myself by taking on to much at once. I'm trying to recover from my Borderline Personality Disorder, go to group and other therapies, take care of my grandmother, go to school, babysit all the adults in the house, figure out my Bipolar Disorder, and so much more. Something will have to go away! I have decided that since I'm on Bipolar medication and that seems to be stabilizing out, that my Bipolar can sit on the shelf for now and I'll keep taking the medication. Babysitting the adults will have to go to! They should be able to take care of themselves, course they might like that idea, but OH WELL.
Speaking of the other adults, I have noticed that I as I am in the process of my recovery, learning new ways to control my emotions, and sticking up for myself, that they have a tendency to get very pissy and defensive. THEY DO NOT LIKE THE RECOVERING LORI!! LOL. Do you honestly think I care? Nope! I am truly starting to like her and that just makes me happier then a clam in a cream sauce!
Recovery: is the process of gaining control over one's life - and the direction one wants that life to go - on the other side of a Psychiatric diagnosis.I love that definition of Recovery! It fits me to a "T". Granted I will always be in recovery in one form or another, but who says I can't have control over MY life! It pisses me off to see those that I love and respect sitting around, doing nothing with their lives or not doing a damn thing to improve upon their lives or their condition what ever it may be. But do I get mad enough to cut or throw temper tantrums? Not anymore! (cheering section please)
Dr. Munching has upped my Anxiety pills though to where I am now taking them daily and as needed. I feel he did this as I am feeling whatever causes my anxiety even more as opposed to where I used to hide under the rug. So in my mind, even though I'm taking more pills, this is a good thing as it means I am "feeling" more!
Ok enough ranting for today! LOL
5 Things that I am Grateful for:
1) That I did not have a heart attack last night!
2) That I do feel I am in Recovery and am Happy about it.
3) That my son chose to call me at 3am last night cause he needed help.
4) That mom made it home safely from Seattle.
5) That I have one week of school left and I had a awesome Semester!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Recovery; is it all worth it?
I've noticed that my mood and changes in my moods depend on those around me. I was feeling great about myself today and was happy. I was getting school work done, doing research to help myself better, and enjoying the bright and sunny day. Then people around me started getting on me for no reason, shifting me back down to the depressed, upset, what the hell did I do to deserve all this mood. Then I'm out smoking and my finger is bleeding from where I had chewed on it. I subconsciously self harm myself in many ways to help the hurt try and go away; chew the skin off around my fingers, pull my hair, cut, dig open scabs and other boo boo's that are almost healed over. Why the hell do I hurt myself at the expense of others? Why does my fucking head break down everything I have learned to let other people hurt me STILL!!!!!!
THE NEGATIVITY FROM OTHER PEOPLE SUCKS!!!!!
Why does it always feel like I am using the things I have learned from DBT class, things are going great for me, then BOOM! All the kings horses crash down around me again. I have to find a way to fight this negative "happening" off and keep it off! I realize I can't get rid of everything negative in my life, but damn where do I start. I can't push my friends and family out of my life completely! They are the most negative parts to me.
Before DBT group and remembering that I have Borderline Personality Disorder, I would have just pushed it all under the rug and let most of it slide by. That would have kept my miserable self happy. I wouldn't have felt the pain, (not on the surface anyway), but damn it, since learning DBT skills I fucking feel every ounce of pain even more! I fucking hate it most days. Then there are the days I am thankful for it.
Isn't recovery supposed to be a beautiful thing? Your life should be full of butterflies, sweet puppy kisses, joyful laughter, and excitedness. Why can't someone have one bad day and yet still be recovered? Does everything have to be peaches and cream when it comes to recovery? I don't think it does. Everyone is going to have a bad day or five, but does that mean you've relapsed?
Hell the way I see it, I will spend the rest of my life recovering from this and that, that has happened to me. I mean hell the shit didn't happen over night to start with, so it isn't going to go away over night. That being the case, how come you have to be a year out of recovery in order to become a Peer Support Specialist?
Ok, enough of my rant for the day. However if you come out of this reading wondering which way to go; find a class, group, or counselor, hell you can even contact a Peer Support Specialist (thats what they are here for). Recovery is the bottom line, no matter how long it takes! It helps in many ways (yes even with all my complaining about it). I'm very thankful for my DBT group and I am very proud to say, I haven't cut in a while thanks to their help.
5 Things I am Grateful For:
1) The sunny and beautiful day we are having today.
2) My newfound friends at Wellness City.
3) The fact my pup gave me a long run this morning.
4) That I'm able to finish my school assignments.
5) That my dear friends are smiling somewhere!
THE NEGATIVITY FROM OTHER PEOPLE SUCKS!!!!!
Why does it always feel like I am using the things I have learned from DBT class, things are going great for me, then BOOM! All the kings horses crash down around me again. I have to find a way to fight this negative "happening" off and keep it off! I realize I can't get rid of everything negative in my life, but damn where do I start. I can't push my friends and family out of my life completely! They are the most negative parts to me.
Before DBT group and remembering that I have Borderline Personality Disorder, I would have just pushed it all under the rug and let most of it slide by. That would have kept my miserable self happy. I wouldn't have felt the pain, (not on the surface anyway), but damn it, since learning DBT skills I fucking feel every ounce of pain even more! I fucking hate it most days. Then there are the days I am thankful for it.
Isn't recovery supposed to be a beautiful thing? Your life should be full of butterflies, sweet puppy kisses, joyful laughter, and excitedness. Why can't someone have one bad day and yet still be recovered? Does everything have to be peaches and cream when it comes to recovery? I don't think it does. Everyone is going to have a bad day or five, but does that mean you've relapsed?
Hell the way I see it, I will spend the rest of my life recovering from this and that, that has happened to me. I mean hell the shit didn't happen over night to start with, so it isn't going to go away over night. That being the case, how come you have to be a year out of recovery in order to become a Peer Support Specialist?
Ok, enough of my rant for the day. However if you come out of this reading wondering which way to go; find a class, group, or counselor, hell you can even contact a Peer Support Specialist (thats what they are here for). Recovery is the bottom line, no matter how long it takes! It helps in many ways (yes even with all my complaining about it). I'm very thankful for my DBT group and I am very proud to say, I haven't cut in a while thanks to their help.
5 Things I am Grateful For:
1) The sunny and beautiful day we are having today.
2) My newfound friends at Wellness City.
3) The fact my pup gave me a long run this morning.
4) That I'm able to finish my school assignments.
5) That my dear friends are smiling somewhere!
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Regrets. Can't change the past, so improve your future!
Tuesday, I did something I never in my life have done or even had a desire to do. I sent an apology to an ex-boss for walking out on them. I really had no need to send it, but I did and it bothered me as I wrote it, bothered me as I let it stew in draft mode for the night, and really bothered me after I hit the send button. Does that make any kind of sense to anyone? LOL. I'm still in the process of trying to figure out why I even bothered sending it. It's all so damn confusing to me!
Maybe I did it, subconsciously hoping they will be stupid enough to rehire me for the 2010 Season. God did I love that job! I'm a Chef by trade and thanks to all my years of walking away from jobs, I don't have a stable work history and this was a wonderful couple who didn't care as long as I brought them in money.
Maybe I did it, subconsciously hoping they will be stupid enough to rehire me for the 2010 Season. God did I love that job! I'm a Chef by trade and thanks to all my years of walking away from jobs, I don't have a stable work history and this was a wonderful couple who didn't care as long as I brought them in money.
Monday, March 1, 2010
The long road to recovery....
My Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is almost done. I have 3 weeks left and Triumph is trying to transition me out of the group with just 3 individual therapy sessions left. I'm scared but I know I can over come my Borderline Personality Disorder if I put my mind to it. I have the tools to help myself now, I just have to use them and put them in place, which will be the hardest for me. We made "toolboxes" last friday in class. They are kind of cool actually! Now I just have to remember to pull them out when things get tough and remind myself that I am better then I "in the moment" might think I'm not. We took a envelope and 8 strips of paper and wrote encouraging things on them.
The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide
Sharonda informed me that if and when I do get medicaid more services will open up for me at Triumph. I'm depressed about leaving there as I need help controlling my Bipolar most days and while they would hope that this type of counseling would work with Bipolar, I don't feel it has. So the Bipolar will go untreated except by medication at this time. Technically since I don't have insurance or cash I don't even have the funds for all of my medications, heart medication included.
If you haven't noticed, I tend to call my Metal Health issues and all my other medical issues "my or mine". I do this so that it will take effect that I have these issues, they are mine to deal with and that I can over come them. We can all over come them or get on the road to recovery if we put our mind to it or choose to want to recover.
Sometimes I Act Crazy: Living with Borderline Personality Disorder
Mom and I went to Wellness City on Saturday to check it out. It seems like a great place and I do hope they live up to it. They are already talking about me teaching a few cooking classes, but I'm also thinking I can teach gardening, learning the computer, web design, and a few other classes. I'm trying to take over and I haven't even technically started yet. LOL. I start at Wellness City tonight, I'm scared shitless! However Mom said she is going to join with me, but we shall see. She needs the help and support just like I do and I think that us working together will be a tremendous advantage that most don't have.
One great thing about going to Wellness City is that I will be able to take the WRAP (Wellness Recovery and Planning) classes that I need to become a Peer Support Specialist. I honestly feel that I have found my calling here. FINALLY!!! LOL. I was telling Sharonda all about my ideas and thats when she suggested becoming a Peer Support Specialist till I get my Psychology degree. So I came home and instantly started looking into becoming one. I have to be certified in the state of North Carolina, which as usual means cash, 40 hours of training, and 20 hours of WRAP class. Well I don't have the cash to get my certification yet, but I know if I want it bad enough, it will eventually happen. This is something I am VERY good at doing, HELPING OTHERS. I might have a hard time helping myself, but I am damn good at helping other people!
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder
Currently I am trying to stay busy as hell. It's working, but it's also making me forgetful and making me not want to start something new or finish what I have started. So it is all confusing! School has been getting tougher and tougher, (not that I would expect it to get any easier), but I have been pulling nothing but 100% which fucking blows me away! I never did this damn good in school. I'm very excited by this, but at the same time I do have my doubts and dis-beliefs.
5 things I am grateful for:
The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide
Recovery: the process of gaining control over one's life- and the direction one wants life to go- on the other side of a Psychiatric diagnosis.
Hope is the belief that one has both the ability and the opportunity to engage in the RECOVERY PROCESS
Sharonda informed me that if and when I do get medicaid more services will open up for me at Triumph. I'm depressed about leaving there as I need help controlling my Bipolar most days and while they would hope that this type of counseling would work with Bipolar, I don't feel it has. So the Bipolar will go untreated except by medication at this time. Technically since I don't have insurance or cash I don't even have the funds for all of my medications, heart medication included.
If you haven't noticed, I tend to call my Metal Health issues and all my other medical issues "my or mine". I do this so that it will take effect that I have these issues, they are mine to deal with and that I can over come them. We can all over come them or get on the road to recovery if we put our mind to it or choose to want to recover.
Sometimes I Act Crazy: Living with Borderline Personality Disorder
Mom and I went to Wellness City on Saturday to check it out. It seems like a great place and I do hope they live up to it. They are already talking about me teaching a few cooking classes, but I'm also thinking I can teach gardening, learning the computer, web design, and a few other classes. I'm trying to take over and I haven't even technically started yet. LOL. I start at Wellness City tonight, I'm scared shitless! However Mom said she is going to join with me, but we shall see. She needs the help and support just like I do and I think that us working together will be a tremendous advantage that most don't have.
One great thing about going to Wellness City is that I will be able to take the WRAP (Wellness Recovery and Planning) classes that I need to become a Peer Support Specialist. I honestly feel that I have found my calling here. FINALLY!!! LOL. I was telling Sharonda all about my ideas and thats when she suggested becoming a Peer Support Specialist till I get my Psychology degree. So I came home and instantly started looking into becoming one. I have to be certified in the state of North Carolina, which as usual means cash, 40 hours of training, and 20 hours of WRAP class. Well I don't have the cash to get my certification yet, but I know if I want it bad enough, it will eventually happen. This is something I am VERY good at doing, HELPING OTHERS. I might have a hard time helping myself, but I am damn good at helping other people!
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder
Currently I am trying to stay busy as hell. It's working, but it's also making me forgetful and making me not want to start something new or finish what I have started. So it is all confusing! School has been getting tougher and tougher, (not that I would expect it to get any easier), but I have been pulling nothing but 100% which fucking blows me away! I never did this damn good in school. I'm very excited by this, but at the same time I do have my doubts and dis-beliefs.
5 things I am grateful for:
- The ability to partially start over on my road to recovery.
- When I need them, I have wonderful friends who will help me through these different processes. Thank you Mom, Larry, and Melissa!
- I am very grateful for the fact that I have a dog who knows when I need a pillow, a tissues for my crying spells, or even a gentle lick on the hand to let me know he is there for me.
- For finally realizing my abilities to help others.
- Having the courage to start living my life again, THE WAY I WANT TOO!
Till another day!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Joyous Season, my ass!
What is supposed to be the end to a joyous season and the beginning of a wonderful New Year, isn't starting or ending like it should. The truck decided she no longer wants to run; easy fix since its just the battery, that would be the case if I had the hundred bucks it will take to fix it. Then my school computer decided it would quit working. Oh don't get me wrong I have a nice Mac, it just doesn't have the software I need to do my school work. That leaves one more bad thing to happen before midnight.
Oh and did I mention we are in the process of moving when Tiger decided she wasn't going to run?
My step dad doesn't help matter with me either since he is bitching about constantly having to jump her and "possibly draining his tiny battery". He is one of those men I just want to bitch slap the shit out of!
Thats how my life goes anyway. Just as shit starts to get great, it crashes down. Yes I know I shouldn't think like that as it will pull the negative energies my way, but how am I supposed to think different when I've tried so damn hard to change the way things head? Only for them to crash back down?
I'm tired and mentally exhausted. I don't know where I am or what to do anymore. Cutting just isn't enough. My mom doesn't need this shit right now. This would be the time where I'd want someone to hug me and tell me everything will be okay.....
Today marks the 2nd time in 4-5 years that I am thinking suicidal thoughts! Wow twice in a month...... Sure the things that are wrong could be worse and might not seem suicidal to some, but its these type of things all at once that just trigger me.
Till another time.......
Oh and did I mention we are in the process of moving when Tiger decided she wasn't going to run?
My step dad doesn't help matter with me either since he is bitching about constantly having to jump her and "possibly draining his tiny battery". He is one of those men I just want to bitch slap the shit out of!
Thats how my life goes anyway. Just as shit starts to get great, it crashes down. Yes I know I shouldn't think like that as it will pull the negative energies my way, but how am I supposed to think different when I've tried so damn hard to change the way things head? Only for them to crash back down?
I'm tired and mentally exhausted. I don't know where I am or what to do anymore. Cutting just isn't enough. My mom doesn't need this shit right now. This would be the time where I'd want someone to hug me and tell me everything will be okay.....
Today marks the 2nd time in 4-5 years that I am thinking suicidal thoughts! Wow twice in a month...... Sure the things that are wrong could be worse and might not seem suicidal to some, but its these type of things all at once that just trigger me.
Till another time.......
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