Relapse?

Most days I just sit and look at the sky and wonder where my life went. Had you asked me 2 months ago where I was going, I could have told you, but now I can't even think about where I want to be. You see, I stepped out of my comfort zone and took a chance, I saved $5000.00 and moved back to the North East, got up here, found out nothing I had planned was going to work out and that is when the depression truly sunk in., of course it doesn't help that my depression doesn't even phase him (although he knows my history with it and what I am capable of doing). But see now we are broke, living at his sisters or a hotel and my depression is even greater than normal.

I found out none of my certifications are good up here.
Jobs are hard to come by everywhere.
Housing is very expensive and again hard to come by with a dog.

And yet here I am still fighting, but at the same time you have to wonder what I'm still fighting for? Everyday I want to harm myself and with each passing moment the stuggle gets worse. I mean currently he is working but I fear each day that will end as I fight to find one. I've got to get back to work and now, not later! Which brings me back to the question, "what am I fighting for?" Why am I going through this stuggle? What am I doing with my life? Where is my higher power leading me? What can I do to change all this sorrow in myself? These are all questions I need to find the answers to so that I won't harm or hurt myself.

I know the main answer and that is, I WILL FIGHT TO KEEP ME GOING! But then you have that nagging question in the back of your mind: how long will Lori keep fighting? I look at my past and realize it has never been for that long, (the fighting I mean). But as I'm sitting here writing this, I know it will work out somehow in the end. Right now as we speak he is in the basement while I am sitting on the deck. He is on his computer, I am on mine and when I try to talk to him he gets pissy and walks away. Damnit Ray, I need some help and I need you! But yet I don't say it. I crave normalcy and don't have it so my mind turns to wanting to drink, do drugs, harm myself, or any other thing I know is not right for me. But at the same time I don't do any of them, instead my mind goes to a darker place. Tomorrow I am taking a job that pays $7.00 an hour, which will realize some of my stress but at the same time, I worry "Can I make it on that?"

Am I being honest with myself? I don't know how much I honestly am, and I constantly sit and ruminate about whether I am or not and how much is bu$% shi^. Am I taking on too much of the blame and being distorted in my thinking?

I can't do my grateful list as I no longer truly remember what I am grateful for besides my son

Depression sinks in again....

It snuck up on me again. This is the second time in a month that I have been so depressed that I have thought about it 3 times now. Self-mutilating that is.

Things were looking up so awesomely to the point that my mom and grammy felt I was taking on to much. I admit I might have been but I was holding my own, till 2 weeks ago. I took a job 2 hours away from home and was driving the 4 hour round trip daily, until I got a call from a Raleigh Mental Health office offering me a position. SO obviously I quit the long commute and took the shorter one. Well the new company hasn't used me once, but yet they sure as hell have charged me for the training that they have made me take. I'm officially indebted to my new company for $350.00 and have yet to work a day at this point. Can we say cracking #1.

Cracking #2 is that I bought my training manuals, need to make 3 copies of the student manual and 1 copy of the teaching manual plus copies of all the hand outs that I will be using. The kid at the copy center told me it would be about 5 cents since I was getting so many copies, went to pick them up and bam!, triple the price that was quoted. I had counted on 40 bucks, instead it cost me $164.95. I'm in fucking hell by now. Can't afford the cost of the printings and they won't return my manuals till I pay for the copies. The good thing is that they are printed so that when I do get them back, all I have to do is put them together, send them in, wait 10 weeks, and pray they approve them so that I can teach Peer Support Specialist Training.

Anyone know where I can get a loan? LOL

I did apply for a Pepsi Refresh grant, it goes live July first and you can bet I will put a link on my blog so that people can vote for it. I want to train 100 people who would otherwise have no hope at getting a job do something that would be very rewarding to them in the long run, become a PSS. With so many budget cuts, many people have lost their services who were doing so well with the help. Medicare is finally getting ready to pass a definition for the PSS job which will create hundreds of jobs across the state and many other states are following suit since we don't cost as much as an RN or CSAC would. This grant would pay for their manuals, to attend the class for free instead of having to find ways to cover the costs, and so much more. So please when I put the link up, take a minute and vote for my organization.

Cracking #3 would be the fact that my truck payment is coming up soon, again thanks to the job not working me, I don't have it. Cracking #4 is the fact that last month I lost my MAC, got it back by putting it on layaway for double what I lost it for, and now I don't have that payment either. SO needless to say, I am hanging on by a tiny thread that has unraveled down to less then one and it's ready to break.

Why does everything revolved around money? It seems like most days, that is what causes much of my depression. I live with my mom and have paid her 50 bucks in 9 months even though I do contribute my food stamps to the house, but I hate that I can't pay her more since my step-dad doesn't work either, but at least I'm trying.

My grandma told me today that I am her "HOPE", making me feel like royal shit! So when she asked me how I have been doing I just smiled and said "ok grandma". Of course they have been expecting me to get this way, I just don't show them, nor do I let them in on my depression because there isn't anything they can do about it. They hold me to such high standards that I have set myself, that I feel like an even bigger failure when I let them down. I almost went over to the Durham Center today and checked myself in, that how close I am. Hell I still might. I have not had to be institutionalized in 13 years and I feel I am coming that close right now.

I hope everyone has a great day!

Giving Up!

I'm tired of fighting! This all came about with in the last few hours. What started out as a great day quickly turned to shit after I woke up from my nap. I realized that I more then likely wont reach my goal of becoming a Peer Support Specialist due to not being able to afford the classes. I realized that come next week my laptop will probably be lost to the pawn shop to make my truck payment. I realized my grammy more or less has become forgetful or fails to remember things.

Had my last DBT group today. Felt good about leaving them, but now I want them back. Sharonda even had me tell the group the way I felt my outcome has been since joining the group, another person agreed and that felt great that it seems to help other as well. However, I feel lost right now.

Today is also my last day of school until the 12th of April. I did awesome for the first time in my life, but again, I feel empty.

Have I been fooling myself into thinking things were getting better for me? Mental Illnesses fucking blow!!!

Unstable Mind

Mindfulness and the Therapeutic Relationship

My mind is very unstable today. I don't know why as nothing is going on that would or could bring such unsettling feels. I hate these types of days, as I don't know what to do with myself. Should I go clean, crawl back into bed, or run around the block? Yea right! Like I am going to run around the block. LOL. I need this damn thing settled. These are the types of days where I just want to pull my hair out and sit in a corner and cry. I fucking can't stand them. Give me a manic day or a depressive day over this anytime!