Bullies and Bullying

Growing up I was always the "outcast" kid in school or the neighborhood. I was overweight and I was being abused at home and my other safe zones so I had issues with wanting to fit in. For me fitting in meant doing stupid shit to get people to laugh or accept me, it meant trying things I normally wouldn't have done, and it meant bullying other kids like me to get people to accept me. I was fighting for attention more matter what it took to get it.

By being bullied at home; sexually, mentally, and psychically, it made me reach out to people in the worst ways. I HAD to be accepted! I HAD this need to feel liked or loved no matter what it took to happen.  I just had a need that I wanted filled, so I bullied. Bullying others for me was something that came naturally, I was simply put, BIGGER then almost all the other kids I went to school with.

Men have always scared the hell out of me, so I LET them bully me! But then you have the ones who let me bully them, (and I do). Normally when I start bullying them it means they are on my nerves and I want away from them at all costs.

I mostly bullied people for the attention it got me, good or bad. I didn't think nothing of having Bipolar or Borderline Personality Disorder, no mental illness ever crossed my mind when I would be doing this. However, to all the people I have ever bullied; I am truly truly sorry for doing it. It was wrong of me and yes it took me this long to realize that and to see I had other issues that needed dealt with.

But the person I bully the most, is ME. I am always bullying myself to be a better person, when I see my faults, when my negativity hits the surface, and even when it comes to being in a relationship. So I guess I am still a big bully, just from a different angle now. How does one get over this act towards themselves? I am working on that answer. LOL

My 5 grateful things for today are:

1) I am grateful that my grammy's dog harry will be ok.
2) I am grateful for the sun shining and the flowers blooming.
3) I am grateful that I have yet to break down since leaving DBT. Guess that makes me strong after all!
4) I am grateful for getting to help the homeless tomorrow.
5) I am grateful for my vision wall to help me through my tough times.

Regrets. Can't change the past, so improve your future!

Tuesday, I did something I never in my life have done or even had a desire to do. I sent an apology to an ex-boss for walking out on them. I really had no need to send it, but I did and it bothered me as I wrote it, bothered me as I let it stew in draft mode for the night, and really bothered me after I hit the send button. Does that make any kind of sense to anyone? LOL. I'm still in the process of trying to figure out why I even bothered sending it. It's all so damn confusing to me!

Maybe I did it, subconsciously hoping they will be stupid enough to rehire me for the 2010 Season. God did I love that job! I'm a Chef by trade and thanks to all my years of walking away from jobs, I don't have a stable work history and this was a wonderful couple who didn't care as long as I brought them in money.

Wishes and Dreams

We all spend time wishing, dreaming, and setting goals. But how many of us put ourselves out there to accomplish any of them? I know for a fact I am one who will set them, start them, but never follow through with them. Sometimes I ask myself why do I do this; it's not because I'm lazy, it's not because I'm not a focused person, it's not because I choose not to. I comes down to the simple fact that I don't have faith in myself. I don't have the faith to move forward as I want these. I don't have the faith to become the person I so choose to be.

I focus mainly on the "what if's" , the "how's" , and the "why's". I argue with myself about if something will work or not. With my Bipolar it is hard for me to stay focused on one thing only. My Bipolar also doesn't allow me to push forward unless I'm in my manic state, then I push forward the wrong way and do bad things most of the time. I hate it! I hate that I can't find a way to control the urges that I have to not do something.

In my DBT group we are supposed to think in the "NOW" and learn to think things through before we do them. I have yet to find that path. I have yet to find the strength to move forward with it as my brain is set in a fog all the time. But I will. I will find the strength to move forward. I will find the desire to clear the fog in my head. I will find the desire to get the dreams, goals, and wishings accomplished. I have to.

I'm at a point where if I don't something, I will crack! I will self mutilate till I can't stop and this time I know I won't be able to stop. So far, I have fought it and will keep fighting it till there is no fight left or I defeat the urges. I have to!

My 5 things that I am greateful for today are:

1) The will to write in this blog and let others read it.
2) The strength to get through another day.
3) The strength to not self mutilate.
4) My friends and family. Those close by as well as those far away or strictkly online.
5) The dog down the street for making me laugh this morning.

Pretty good don't you think? LOL. I wish all my lists could be that easy to come through.

I live with my mom but have no job yet. There for the only cash flow I have coming in is when I find the odd job as my wreaths are no longer selling and my ebay account has been shut down due to lack of funds for me to pay their fees. There for I pine for the simple things such as Laundry Deteregent, Tampons, Toothpaste, Deodarant, and so on. I don't dare ask my family for things like this due to the fear I will lose the roof over my head because they can't afford them for themselves. Thankfully I get foodstamps to help keep the hunger off of my stomach.

Till another day......