Memories and Guilt

Today marks the 7 year anniversary of my wonderful Grampy's passing. I miss him like it was yesterday and have never really mourned him in any capacity. I know that he would be proud of the woman that I am slowly becoming, but at the same time, I know he still holds the mistakes I have made in his mind.

This day is hard as when he passed away, he was angry with me and we never settled the dispute before he left this earth. I feel that is why I stick around taking care of my grandma, to make up for the things I have done in the past. My way of absorbing the guilt that lays heavily on my heart and mind. Will it ever go away? Will I ever be able to forgive myself to let it all subside? Will I always feel that I have to take care of my grandma to feel better about myself?

My grampy was my hero, my mentor, my protector, my teacher, and the man I could turn to unconditionally when I had no one else. In other words, he was the father I never had, but so viciously needed and wanted. Thank you grampy for being that man towards me. I am so sorry for the pain that I caused you and I hope some day I can forgive myself. You are dearly missed and loved!

Grandfather


Since I was a little child,
In all that I have been through;
You have always been my hero,
No one stood as tall as you.


You were the one who took the time,
To teach what I needed to learn;
The lessons in life you shared with me,
You shared with love and concern.


I loved you as a little child,
And now that I am grown;
I share those lessons you taught me;
With children of my own.


Generation to generation,
I'll pass on your legacy;
I'll tell of my loving Grandfather,
And all that you mean to me.


~~ Author Unknown

That was the poem I read at his funeral, it is very special to me and I place it on my vision wall today with pride in my heart as I remember all that my grandfather shared with me, taught me, and the adventures we had for the 31 years I got to share with him.

My grateful list:

1) Even though it saddens me, I am grateful my grampy is no longer in pain.
2) I am grateful for the new challenges that I have put on myself and seem to be over coming.
3) I am very grateful to the people whom I have befriended along the way through my recovery, sure I might drive them nuts with questions and get impatient waiting for answers, but I know they are there for me regardless and will support me in my recovery.
4) I am grateful for being able to take classes that will help me pursue my new career as a Certified Peer Support Specialist.
5) I am grateful for my Revvie loving to ride in the truck, stick his head up high with his ears flopping in the wind, making me laugh.