Growing up I was always the "outcast" kid in school or the neighborhood. I was overweight and I was being abused at home and my other safe zones so I had issues with wanting to fit in. For me fitting in meant doing stupid shit to get people to laugh or accept me, it meant trying things I normally wouldn't have done, and it meant bullying other kids like me to get people to accept me. I was fighting for attention more matter what it took to get it.
By being bullied at home; sexually, mentally, and psychically, it made me reach out to people in the worst ways. I HAD to be accepted! I HAD this need to feel liked or loved no matter what it took to happen. I just had a need that I wanted filled, so I bullied. Bullying others for me was something that came naturally, I was simply put, BIGGER then almost all the other kids I went to school with.
Men have always scared the hell out of me, so I LET them bully me! But then you have the ones who let me bully them, (and I do). Normally when I start bullying them it means they are on my nerves and I want away from them at all costs.
I mostly bullied people for the attention it got me, good or bad. I didn't think nothing of having Bipolar or Borderline Personality Disorder, no mental illness ever crossed my mind when I would be doing this. However, to all the people I have ever bullied; I am truly truly sorry for doing it. It was wrong of me and yes it took me this long to realize that and to see I had other issues that needed dealt with.
But the person I bully the most, is ME. I am always bullying myself to be a better person, when I see my faults, when my negativity hits the surface, and even when it comes to being in a relationship. So I guess I am still a big bully, just from a different angle now. How does one get over this act towards themselves? I am working on that answer. LOL
My 5 grateful things for today are:
1) I am grateful that my grammy's dog harry will be ok.
2) I am grateful for the sun shining and the flowers blooming.
3) I am grateful that I have yet to break down since leaving DBT. Guess that makes me strong after all!
4) I am grateful for getting to help the homeless tomorrow.
5) I am grateful for my vision wall to help me through my tough times.
Showing posts with label DBT Group. Show all posts
Showing posts with label DBT Group. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Negative, with a Positive Twist
We all reflect on the negative things in life, but for those of us who suffer from a Mental Illness, such as Bipolar Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress, Borderline Personality Disorder, Major Depression, it can be hard to let go of all the negative things that have happened in our lives either directly to use or surrounding us.
The road to recovery begins by starting to let the feelings of negativity go.
Your probably saying to yourself right now that I'm crazy for even suggesting it, but trust me I'm not. When you let go of the negative and put your energy in another direction, things might not look totally out of this world awesome, but they will slowly start to improve!
I read a hell of a lot of blogs and messages on boards through out each day and the thing that grabs me the most of each message is the negativity (yes even on my blog). You'd think it would be the person's need for help or attention that would grab me the most, but it's not, it the negative reflections that they have on themselves or their lives.
One thing I have learned from my DBT group, if anything, is that surrounding myself with to much negativity kills me, even when it comes from myself. It makes me want to cut, get depressed, or whatever. But it does kill me. Trust me, too much positivity makes me want to puke also. LOL. So I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Where do we find a happy medium?
I have a quote on my vision wall that I read daily, I'll put it here to share with you all. It inspires me to become a better person.
I adore that quote! Just something about it makes me WANT to succeed in my recovery and stick to it!
I know its a hard thing to do, but try to think positive and at some point it will all start to click. Don't reflect on the negative if you can help it.....
5 Things I am Grateful for today....
1) My vision wall! It helps me see the positive when all I want is the negative.
2) Wet puppy kisses and loving when all I want to do is curl up and cry
3) Books that take my mind off the dark places.
4) Birds chirping to remind me I'm alive.
5) For being able to go swimming when all I wanted to do was hide away.
The road to recovery begins by starting to let the feelings of negativity go.
Your probably saying to yourself right now that I'm crazy for even suggesting it, but trust me I'm not. When you let go of the negative and put your energy in another direction, things might not look totally out of this world awesome, but they will slowly start to improve!
I read a hell of a lot of blogs and messages on boards through out each day and the thing that grabs me the most of each message is the negativity (yes even on my blog). You'd think it would be the person's need for help or attention that would grab me the most, but it's not, it the negative reflections that they have on themselves or their lives.
One thing I have learned from my DBT group, if anything, is that surrounding myself with to much negativity kills me, even when it comes from myself. It makes me want to cut, get depressed, or whatever. But it does kill me. Trust me, too much positivity makes me want to puke also. LOL. So I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Where do we find a happy medium?
I have a quote on my vision wall that I read daily, I'll put it here to share with you all. It inspires me to become a better person.
The most inspirational thing in life is a person who has overcome obstacles and hardships. Norman Vincent Peale
I adore that quote! Just something about it makes me WANT to succeed in my recovery and stick to it!
I know its a hard thing to do, but try to think positive and at some point it will all start to click. Don't reflect on the negative if you can help it.....
5 Things I am Grateful for today....
1) My vision wall! It helps me see the positive when all I want is the negative.
2) Wet puppy kisses and loving when all I want to do is curl up and cry
3) Books that take my mind off the dark places.
4) Birds chirping to remind me I'm alive.
5) For being able to go swimming when all I wanted to do was hide away.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Giving Up!
I'm tired of fighting! This all came about with in the last few hours. What started out as a great day quickly turned to shit after I woke up from my nap. I realized that I more then likely wont reach my goal of becoming a Peer Support Specialist due to not being able to afford the classes. I realized that come next week my laptop will probably be lost to the pawn shop to make my truck payment. I realized my grammy more or less has become forgetful or fails to remember things.
Had my last DBT group today. Felt good about leaving them, but now I want them back. Sharonda even had me tell the group the way I felt my outcome has been since joining the group, another person agreed and that felt great that it seems to help other as well. However, I feel lost right now.
Today is also my last day of school until the 12th of April. I did awesome for the first time in my life, but again, I feel empty.
Have I been fooling myself into thinking things were getting better for me? Mental Illnesses fucking blow!!!
Had my last DBT group today. Felt good about leaving them, but now I want them back. Sharonda even had me tell the group the way I felt my outcome has been since joining the group, another person agreed and that felt great that it seems to help other as well. However, I feel lost right now.
Today is also my last day of school until the 12th of April. I did awesome for the first time in my life, but again, I feel empty.
Have I been fooling myself into thinking things were getting better for me? Mental Illnesses fucking blow!!!
Friday, March 19, 2010
Working, Hoping, Praying....
I find myself longing for a job this morning! Something I haven't felt in years.
I want to help other's who are in the same boat I am and for the most part I can't help them till I complete Peer Support training, my Psychology degree or some other means to obtain that job. I finally found a Peer Support Specialist Training group over in Winston Salem, but they charge $250.00 bucks for their course and with my truck payment coming up, I just don't have that kind of cash. It crushes me to feel that helpless!
Besides that blow, this week ended my individual therapy and my group therapy. Again, I am crushed! I was really starting to like both and feel they were finally beginning to help me. Sure I can go back, if I'm in CRISIS mode!!! Which really fucking sucks. Why should someone have to be in crisis mode to get the help they need? The way I see it, if someone is trying to get the help to make their life better, BEFORE THEY GO INTO CRISIS MODE, doesn't it make more sense to help them then as well if they are reaching out for it?
I so am beginning to hate the government more and more when it comes to getting the healthcare help I need!
If I won the lottery, one of the first things I would do is open a pro-bono mental health facility, a grant writer, and a staff who has the same love that I do for mental health. Kind of like Patch Adam of the mental health world. LOL
I have big dreams, big ideas, and I finally see that if I put my mind to something I CAN DO IT! LOL. Never thought I'd hear that come out of my mouth.
I swear I'm not have a Borderline Personality issue, I'm not in manic mode, and I'm not having grandiose ideas (except for wanting to win the lottery). I'm not having ay of these, I swear. These are just ideas that I have for the future and at some point in my life I just want to see happen. I want to help those who are worse off then me recover, have some form of life, or begin to live again. I'm not trying to cure the world, I just want to help the world. This is my way of being the people pleaser that I know I am, with a catch; to help myself along the way.
5 things I am Grateful for today......
1) To be in recovery and realize that I have actually been for the past 6 years.
2) To finally accept that I am a good person and that I can do great things!
3) That I have a wonderful and supporting mother, even if I don't tell her.
4) That I actually finished the first quarter of school with out dropping out!!!! YIPEE!!!!!
5) For the kisses that wake me up every morning, from my puppy telling me he has to go outside. LMAO
I want to help other's who are in the same boat I am and for the most part I can't help them till I complete Peer Support training, my Psychology degree or some other means to obtain that job. I finally found a Peer Support Specialist Training group over in Winston Salem, but they charge $250.00 bucks for their course and with my truck payment coming up, I just don't have that kind of cash. It crushes me to feel that helpless!
Besides that blow, this week ended my individual therapy and my group therapy. Again, I am crushed! I was really starting to like both and feel they were finally beginning to help me. Sure I can go back, if I'm in CRISIS mode!!! Which really fucking sucks. Why should someone have to be in crisis mode to get the help they need? The way I see it, if someone is trying to get the help to make their life better, BEFORE THEY GO INTO CRISIS MODE, doesn't it make more sense to help them then as well if they are reaching out for it?
I so am beginning to hate the government more and more when it comes to getting the healthcare help I need!
If I won the lottery, one of the first things I would do is open a pro-bono mental health facility, a grant writer, and a staff who has the same love that I do for mental health. Kind of like Patch Adam of the mental health world. LOL
I have big dreams, big ideas, and I finally see that if I put my mind to something I CAN DO IT! LOL. Never thought I'd hear that come out of my mouth.
I swear I'm not have a Borderline Personality issue, I'm not in manic mode, and I'm not having grandiose ideas (except for wanting to win the lottery). I'm not having ay of these, I swear. These are just ideas that I have for the future and at some point in my life I just want to see happen. I want to help those who are worse off then me recover, have some form of life, or begin to live again. I'm not trying to cure the world, I just want to help the world. This is my way of being the people pleaser that I know I am, with a catch; to help myself along the way.
5 things I am Grateful for today......
1) To be in recovery and realize that I have actually been for the past 6 years.
2) To finally accept that I am a good person and that I can do great things!
3) That I have a wonderful and supporting mother, even if I don't tell her.
4) That I actually finished the first quarter of school with out dropping out!!!! YIPEE!!!!!
5) For the kisses that wake me up every morning, from my puppy telling me he has to go outside. LMAO
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Recovery; is it all worth it?
I've noticed that my mood and changes in my moods depend on those around me. I was feeling great about myself today and was happy. I was getting school work done, doing research to help myself better, and enjoying the bright and sunny day. Then people around me started getting on me for no reason, shifting me back down to the depressed, upset, what the hell did I do to deserve all this mood. Then I'm out smoking and my finger is bleeding from where I had chewed on it. I subconsciously self harm myself in many ways to help the hurt try and go away; chew the skin off around my fingers, pull my hair, cut, dig open scabs and other boo boo's that are almost healed over. Why the hell do I hurt myself at the expense of others? Why does my fucking head break down everything I have learned to let other people hurt me STILL!!!!!!
THE NEGATIVITY FROM OTHER PEOPLE SUCKS!!!!!
Why does it always feel like I am using the things I have learned from DBT class, things are going great for me, then BOOM! All the kings horses crash down around me again. I have to find a way to fight this negative "happening" off and keep it off! I realize I can't get rid of everything negative in my life, but damn where do I start. I can't push my friends and family out of my life completely! They are the most negative parts to me.
Before DBT group and remembering that I have Borderline Personality Disorder, I would have just pushed it all under the rug and let most of it slide by. That would have kept my miserable self happy. I wouldn't have felt the pain, (not on the surface anyway), but damn it, since learning DBT skills I fucking feel every ounce of pain even more! I fucking hate it most days. Then there are the days I am thankful for it.
Isn't recovery supposed to be a beautiful thing? Your life should be full of butterflies, sweet puppy kisses, joyful laughter, and excitedness. Why can't someone have one bad day and yet still be recovered? Does everything have to be peaches and cream when it comes to recovery? I don't think it does. Everyone is going to have a bad day or five, but does that mean you've relapsed?
Hell the way I see it, I will spend the rest of my life recovering from this and that, that has happened to me. I mean hell the shit didn't happen over night to start with, so it isn't going to go away over night. That being the case, how come you have to be a year out of recovery in order to become a Peer Support Specialist?
Ok, enough of my rant for the day. However if you come out of this reading wondering which way to go; find a class, group, or counselor, hell you can even contact a Peer Support Specialist (thats what they are here for). Recovery is the bottom line, no matter how long it takes! It helps in many ways (yes even with all my complaining about it). I'm very thankful for my DBT group and I am very proud to say, I haven't cut in a while thanks to their help.
5 Things I am Grateful For:
1) The sunny and beautiful day we are having today.
2) My newfound friends at Wellness City.
3) The fact my pup gave me a long run this morning.
4) That I'm able to finish my school assignments.
5) That my dear friends are smiling somewhere!
THE NEGATIVITY FROM OTHER PEOPLE SUCKS!!!!!
Why does it always feel like I am using the things I have learned from DBT class, things are going great for me, then BOOM! All the kings horses crash down around me again. I have to find a way to fight this negative "happening" off and keep it off! I realize I can't get rid of everything negative in my life, but damn where do I start. I can't push my friends and family out of my life completely! They are the most negative parts to me.
Before DBT group and remembering that I have Borderline Personality Disorder, I would have just pushed it all under the rug and let most of it slide by. That would have kept my miserable self happy. I wouldn't have felt the pain, (not on the surface anyway), but damn it, since learning DBT skills I fucking feel every ounce of pain even more! I fucking hate it most days. Then there are the days I am thankful for it.
Isn't recovery supposed to be a beautiful thing? Your life should be full of butterflies, sweet puppy kisses, joyful laughter, and excitedness. Why can't someone have one bad day and yet still be recovered? Does everything have to be peaches and cream when it comes to recovery? I don't think it does. Everyone is going to have a bad day or five, but does that mean you've relapsed?
Hell the way I see it, I will spend the rest of my life recovering from this and that, that has happened to me. I mean hell the shit didn't happen over night to start with, so it isn't going to go away over night. That being the case, how come you have to be a year out of recovery in order to become a Peer Support Specialist?
Ok, enough of my rant for the day. However if you come out of this reading wondering which way to go; find a class, group, or counselor, hell you can even contact a Peer Support Specialist (thats what they are here for). Recovery is the bottom line, no matter how long it takes! It helps in many ways (yes even with all my complaining about it). I'm very thankful for my DBT group and I am very proud to say, I haven't cut in a while thanks to their help.
5 Things I am Grateful For:
1) The sunny and beautiful day we are having today.
2) My newfound friends at Wellness City.
3) The fact my pup gave me a long run this morning.
4) That I'm able to finish my school assignments.
5) That my dear friends are smiling somewhere!
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Regrets. Can't change the past, so improve your future!
Tuesday, I did something I never in my life have done or even had a desire to do. I sent an apology to an ex-boss for walking out on them. I really had no need to send it, but I did and it bothered me as I wrote it, bothered me as I let it stew in draft mode for the night, and really bothered me after I hit the send button. Does that make any kind of sense to anyone? LOL. I'm still in the process of trying to figure out why I even bothered sending it. It's all so damn confusing to me!
Maybe I did it, subconsciously hoping they will be stupid enough to rehire me for the 2010 Season. God did I love that job! I'm a Chef by trade and thanks to all my years of walking away from jobs, I don't have a stable work history and this was a wonderful couple who didn't care as long as I brought them in money.
Maybe I did it, subconsciously hoping they will be stupid enough to rehire me for the 2010 Season. God did I love that job! I'm a Chef by trade and thanks to all my years of walking away from jobs, I don't have a stable work history and this was a wonderful couple who didn't care as long as I brought them in money.
Monday, March 1, 2010
The long road to recovery....
My Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is almost done. I have 3 weeks left and Triumph is trying to transition me out of the group with just 3 individual therapy sessions left. I'm scared but I know I can over come my Borderline Personality Disorder if I put my mind to it. I have the tools to help myself now, I just have to use them and put them in place, which will be the hardest for me. We made "toolboxes" last friday in class. They are kind of cool actually! Now I just have to remember to pull them out when things get tough and remind myself that I am better then I "in the moment" might think I'm not. We took a envelope and 8 strips of paper and wrote encouraging things on them.
The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide
Sharonda informed me that if and when I do get medicaid more services will open up for me at Triumph. I'm depressed about leaving there as I need help controlling my Bipolar most days and while they would hope that this type of counseling would work with Bipolar, I don't feel it has. So the Bipolar will go untreated except by medication at this time. Technically since I don't have insurance or cash I don't even have the funds for all of my medications, heart medication included.
If you haven't noticed, I tend to call my Metal Health issues and all my other medical issues "my or mine". I do this so that it will take effect that I have these issues, they are mine to deal with and that I can over come them. We can all over come them or get on the road to recovery if we put our mind to it or choose to want to recover.
Sometimes I Act Crazy: Living with Borderline Personality Disorder
Mom and I went to Wellness City on Saturday to check it out. It seems like a great place and I do hope they live up to it. They are already talking about me teaching a few cooking classes, but I'm also thinking I can teach gardening, learning the computer, web design, and a few other classes. I'm trying to take over and I haven't even technically started yet. LOL. I start at Wellness City tonight, I'm scared shitless! However Mom said she is going to join with me, but we shall see. She needs the help and support just like I do and I think that us working together will be a tremendous advantage that most don't have.
One great thing about going to Wellness City is that I will be able to take the WRAP (Wellness Recovery and Planning) classes that I need to become a Peer Support Specialist. I honestly feel that I have found my calling here. FINALLY!!! LOL. I was telling Sharonda all about my ideas and thats when she suggested becoming a Peer Support Specialist till I get my Psychology degree. So I came home and instantly started looking into becoming one. I have to be certified in the state of North Carolina, which as usual means cash, 40 hours of training, and 20 hours of WRAP class. Well I don't have the cash to get my certification yet, but I know if I want it bad enough, it will eventually happen. This is something I am VERY good at doing, HELPING OTHERS. I might have a hard time helping myself, but I am damn good at helping other people!
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder
Currently I am trying to stay busy as hell. It's working, but it's also making me forgetful and making me not want to start something new or finish what I have started. So it is all confusing! School has been getting tougher and tougher, (not that I would expect it to get any easier), but I have been pulling nothing but 100% which fucking blows me away! I never did this damn good in school. I'm very excited by this, but at the same time I do have my doubts and dis-beliefs.
5 things I am grateful for:
The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide
Recovery: the process of gaining control over one's life- and the direction one wants life to go- on the other side of a Psychiatric diagnosis.
Hope is the belief that one has both the ability and the opportunity to engage in the RECOVERY PROCESS
Sharonda informed me that if and when I do get medicaid more services will open up for me at Triumph. I'm depressed about leaving there as I need help controlling my Bipolar most days and while they would hope that this type of counseling would work with Bipolar, I don't feel it has. So the Bipolar will go untreated except by medication at this time. Technically since I don't have insurance or cash I don't even have the funds for all of my medications, heart medication included.
If you haven't noticed, I tend to call my Metal Health issues and all my other medical issues "my or mine". I do this so that it will take effect that I have these issues, they are mine to deal with and that I can over come them. We can all over come them or get on the road to recovery if we put our mind to it or choose to want to recover.
Sometimes I Act Crazy: Living with Borderline Personality Disorder
Mom and I went to Wellness City on Saturday to check it out. It seems like a great place and I do hope they live up to it. They are already talking about me teaching a few cooking classes, but I'm also thinking I can teach gardening, learning the computer, web design, and a few other classes. I'm trying to take over and I haven't even technically started yet. LOL. I start at Wellness City tonight, I'm scared shitless! However Mom said she is going to join with me, but we shall see. She needs the help and support just like I do and I think that us working together will be a tremendous advantage that most don't have.
One great thing about going to Wellness City is that I will be able to take the WRAP (Wellness Recovery and Planning) classes that I need to become a Peer Support Specialist. I honestly feel that I have found my calling here. FINALLY!!! LOL. I was telling Sharonda all about my ideas and thats when she suggested becoming a Peer Support Specialist till I get my Psychology degree. So I came home and instantly started looking into becoming one. I have to be certified in the state of North Carolina, which as usual means cash, 40 hours of training, and 20 hours of WRAP class. Well I don't have the cash to get my certification yet, but I know if I want it bad enough, it will eventually happen. This is something I am VERY good at doing, HELPING OTHERS. I might have a hard time helping myself, but I am damn good at helping other people!
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder
Currently I am trying to stay busy as hell. It's working, but it's also making me forgetful and making me not want to start something new or finish what I have started. So it is all confusing! School has been getting tougher and tougher, (not that I would expect it to get any easier), but I have been pulling nothing but 100% which fucking blows me away! I never did this damn good in school. I'm very excited by this, but at the same time I do have my doubts and dis-beliefs.
5 things I am grateful for:
- The ability to partially start over on my road to recovery.
- When I need them, I have wonderful friends who will help me through these different processes. Thank you Mom, Larry, and Melissa!
- I am very grateful for the fact that I have a dog who knows when I need a pillow, a tissues for my crying spells, or even a gentle lick on the hand to let me know he is there for me.
- For finally realizing my abilities to help others.
- Having the courage to start living my life again, THE WAY I WANT TOO!
Till another day!
Monday, December 21, 2009
Bipolar Makes the World Go Round
Today is one of those days when everything just feels "blah", if you know what I mean. DBT Group sucked as usual, my life sucks as usual, I'm a broke biotch, and I lack in ambition. Ah but then who doesn't. LOL. At least I still have my humor and that is what counts.
Talked my girl "M" today and I flat out told her I was a negative Nellie. LOL. She came back with different names for. I'll just flat out say what it is to me. But yea know, as much as shit sucks right now, I am still smiling and laughing. To me that's what counts. I know I need to be positive for positive things to happen, but truthfully no one can be positive 24/7 and still be sane. LOL
On a positive note, I asked for something outloud from my buddy, and I got it from another person unexpected. That to me was a shock and it got me to thinking about the laws of attraction and if they were really true or not.
Law of Attraction: The Science of Attracting More of What You Want and Less of What You Don't
Its hard to believe that something so simple could happen like that. If the Law of Attraction is true, why do so many people lead such negetive lives. Something for me to ponder on, as if I dont think about enough deep shit. LOL.
Mom and i rented a very bad movie tonight, I had a hard time keeping my mind on it. But as I was sitting there letting it wander off, I decided to try one of the exercises that I learned in Group and that is when your mind wanders off like that, rein it back in to what you are doing at that point. What I found is, while I can rein it back in, my mind seems to be thinking of itself and wanders off again. In the 2 hours it took to watch that movie, I ended up pulling myself back to it about evey 5 minutes. Tough, but I did it. Makes you wonder if someone might actually know what their talking about. LOL. I'm sure over time and with proper training I will be able to get my mind on the right track. Don't get me wrong, I bet on the occasion my mind will do what it wants, regardless of what I want, but that won't matter any more as I will know how to control it.
I haven't had a thought in my head about cutting lately. Sure the urge is always there, but I have to have the desire if I am going to do something like that and self mutilating has not been on my agenda. I realy don't feel like bleeding right now, sure I could use a good self mutilating session, but thats not where I want to be. I want to be free of mutilating, free of the pain I have afterward, free of the mindset, free of the mess I have to clean up later on down the road. I DON'T WANT TO SELF MUTILATE ANY MORE!!!!!!! On the truth side of things, I know it's not gone from my life, but I know I will beat the 3 years I was clean of self mutilating. I have that strength, that power! I control me, not my cutting.
The Attraction Distraction: Why the Law of Attraction Isn't Working for You and How to Get Results -
My grateful list tonight includes:
1) I am grateful for wonderful friends. I am up to 3 now. LOL. I'm growing in numbers.
2) I'm grateful for the Christmas Miracle that happened today with positive thinking.
3) I'm grateful for the fact I get to go back to school.
4) I'm grateful that things are looking up for me with my DBT Group.
5) I'm gratefrul for the fact tomorrow I get to take Grammy to get her hair done. LOL.
Have to throw the funny ones in there a time or two. LOL. Okay serious thought now: Wonder if Santa will bring me my Christmas wishes, after all I have been semi naughty this year. LOL. Please Santa, I need that gym membership!
To write another day!!!
Talked my girl "M" today and I flat out told her I was a negative Nellie. LOL. She came back with different names for. I'll just flat out say what it is to me. But yea know, as much as shit sucks right now, I am still smiling and laughing. To me that's what counts. I know I need to be positive for positive things to happen, but truthfully no one can be positive 24/7 and still be sane. LOL
On a positive note, I asked for something outloud from my buddy, and I got it from another person unexpected. That to me was a shock and it got me to thinking about the laws of attraction and if they were really true or not.
Law of Attraction: The Science of Attracting More of What You Want and Less of What You Don't
Its hard to believe that something so simple could happen like that. If the Law of Attraction is true, why do so many people lead such negetive lives. Something for me to ponder on, as if I dont think about enough deep shit. LOL.
I haven't had a thought in my head about cutting lately. Sure the urge is always there, but I have to have the desire if I am going to do something like that and self mutilating has not been on my agenda. I realy don't feel like bleeding right now, sure I could use a good self mutilating session, but thats not where I want to be. I want to be free of mutilating, free of the pain I have afterward, free of the mindset, free of the mess I have to clean up later on down the road. I DON'T WANT TO SELF MUTILATE ANY MORE!!!!!!! On the truth side of things, I know it's not gone from my life, but I know I will beat the 3 years I was clean of self mutilating. I have that strength, that power! I control me, not my cutting.
The Attraction Distraction: Why the Law of Attraction Isn't Working for You and How to Get Results -
My grateful list tonight includes:
1) I am grateful for wonderful friends. I am up to 3 now. LOL. I'm growing in numbers.
2) I'm grateful for the Christmas Miracle that happened today with positive thinking.
3) I'm grateful for the fact I get to go back to school.
4) I'm grateful that things are looking up for me with my DBT Group.
5) I'm gratefrul for the fact tomorrow I get to take Grammy to get her hair done. LOL.
Have to throw the funny ones in there a time or two. LOL. Okay serious thought now: Wonder if Santa will bring me my Christmas wishes, after all I have been semi naughty this year. LOL. Please Santa, I need that gym membership!
To write another day!!!
Friday, December 18, 2009
Word Association Games
The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide: What You and Your Family Need to Know
Pain: Me
Sad: Me
Fat: Me
Stupid: Me
Worthless: Me
Ugly: Me
Mad: Me
Unreasonable: Me
Violent: Me
Harming: Me
Uncontrolling: Me
Loathing: Me
Liar: Me
These are all words that could be used to describe me. Oh there are plenty more bad words that could be used, but I can't think straight enough to dig them out of my vocabulary right now. I refuse from this point on to be those words. Well actualy I refused to be those words a long time ago, it just never took effect.
Now words that associate with "Me" will be.
Happy: Me
Living: Me
Jubilant: Me
Enlightening: Me
Joyful: Me
Exhilarating: Me
Controlling: Me
Worthy: Me
Non-Judgmental: Me
Smiling: Me
Living: Me
Caring: Me
Thoughtful: Me
Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder
And again, this list could keep going on and on, but I'll stop it here as I have to run off to DBT Group.
Till Later.....
Pain: Me
Sad: Me
Fat: Me
Stupid: Me
Worthless: Me
Ugly: Me
Mad: Me
Unreasonable: Me
Violent: Me
Harming: Me
Uncontrolling: Me
Loathing: Me
Liar: Me
These are all words that could be used to describe me. Oh there are plenty more bad words that could be used, but I can't think straight enough to dig them out of my vocabulary right now. I refuse from this point on to be those words. Well actualy I refused to be those words a long time ago, it just never took effect.
Now words that associate with "Me" will be.
Happy: Me
Living: Me
Jubilant: Me
Enlightening: Me
Joyful: Me
Exhilarating: Me
Controlling: Me
Worthy: Me
Non-Judgmental: Me
Smiling: Me
Living: Me
Caring: Me
Thoughtful: Me
Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder
And again, this list could keep going on and on, but I'll stop it here as I have to run off to DBT Group.
Till Later.....
Monday, December 7, 2009
Wishes and Dreams
We all spend time wishing, dreaming, and setting goals. But how many of us put ourselves out there to accomplish any of them? I know for a fact I am one who will set them, start them, but never follow through with them. Sometimes I ask myself why do I do this; it's not because I'm lazy, it's not because I'm not a focused person, it's not because I choose not to. I comes down to the simple fact that I don't have faith in myself. I don't have the faith to move forward as I want these. I don't have the faith to become the person I so choose to be.
I focus mainly on the "what if's" , the "how's" , and the "why's". I argue with myself about if something will work or not. With my Bipolar it is hard for me to stay focused on one thing only. My Bipolar also doesn't allow me to push forward unless I'm in my manic state, then I push forward the wrong way and do bad things most of the time. I hate it! I hate that I can't find a way to control the urges that I have to not do something.
In my DBT group we are supposed to think in the "NOW" and learn to think things through before we do them. I have yet to find that path. I have yet to find the strength to move forward with it as my brain is set in a fog all the time. But I will. I will find the strength to move forward. I will find the desire to clear the fog in my head. I will find the desire to get the dreams, goals, and wishings accomplished. I have to.
I'm at a point where if I don't something, I will crack! I will self mutilate till I can't stop and this time I know I won't be able to stop. So far, I have fought it and will keep fighting it till there is no fight left or I defeat the urges. I have to!
My 5 things that I am greateful for today are:
1) The will to write in this blog and let others read it.
2) The strength to get through another day.
3) The strength to not self mutilate.
4) My friends and family. Those close by as well as those far away or strictkly online.
5) The dog down the street for making me laugh this morning.
Pretty good don't you think? LOL. I wish all my lists could be that easy to come through.
I live with my mom but have no job yet. There for the only cash flow I have coming in is when I find the odd job as my wreaths are no longer selling and my ebay account has been shut down due to lack of funds for me to pay their fees. There for I pine for the simple things such as Laundry Deteregent, Tampons, Toothpaste, Deodarant, and so on. I don't dare ask my family for things like this due to the fear I will lose the roof over my head because they can't afford them for themselves. Thankfully I get foodstamps to help keep the hunger off of my stomach.
Till another day......
I focus mainly on the "what if's" , the "how's" , and the "why's". I argue with myself about if something will work or not. With my Bipolar it is hard for me to stay focused on one thing only. My Bipolar also doesn't allow me to push forward unless I'm in my manic state, then I push forward the wrong way and do bad things most of the time. I hate it! I hate that I can't find a way to control the urges that I have to not do something.
In my DBT group we are supposed to think in the "NOW" and learn to think things through before we do them. I have yet to find that path. I have yet to find the strength to move forward with it as my brain is set in a fog all the time. But I will. I will find the strength to move forward. I will find the desire to clear the fog in my head. I will find the desire to get the dreams, goals, and wishings accomplished. I have to.
I'm at a point where if I don't something, I will crack! I will self mutilate till I can't stop and this time I know I won't be able to stop. So far, I have fought it and will keep fighting it till there is no fight left or I defeat the urges. I have to!
My 5 things that I am greateful for today are:
1) The will to write in this blog and let others read it.
2) The strength to get through another day.
3) The strength to not self mutilate.
4) My friends and family. Those close by as well as those far away or strictkly online.
5) The dog down the street for making me laugh this morning.
Pretty good don't you think? LOL. I wish all my lists could be that easy to come through.
I live with my mom but have no job yet. There for the only cash flow I have coming in is when I find the odd job as my wreaths are no longer selling and my ebay account has been shut down due to lack of funds for me to pay their fees. There for I pine for the simple things such as Laundry Deteregent, Tampons, Toothpaste, Deodarant, and so on. I don't dare ask my family for things like this due to the fear I will lose the roof over my head because they can't afford them for themselves. Thankfully I get foodstamps to help keep the hunger off of my stomach.
Till another day......
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