Rejected Again

I found out today that my brother and his family is coming through NC to go to Florida in a few weeks. SO I called my son and asked him to catch a ride and come visit me. It has been 18 months since I have seen him, even though I try to talk to him weekly by phone. He used the excuse that his work takes 2 months to schedule a vacation, but in the same breath told me that he can't because he is going to Montana with some friends in July. So what's the truth?

Is he punishing me for something different this time that I don't know about? Is he being serious about his job? Does he not want to see me ( if you remember I asked him to go with me to my cousins wedding and he turned me down for that too)?

I started bawling after we hung up. The funny part is that first my mom came in, didn't say anything about me crying. Then my step-dad came in and talked to me for about 10 minutes and didn't say anything about me crying. Then my mom came back in and still didn't say anything. What the hell are the odds of that?

I want to self-destruct! I want to self mutilate! I want to destroy shit! I want to hate myself and blame myself for things I don't even know if I have done or not. I want to hate myself! But I won't. I have to be stronger then that. I have to be better then that. I have to maintain control if I want to get better. I'll let you all know how it went tomorrow. LOL

Sorry but I don't have the strength to want to do my grateful list. Ah the hell with it, thats what forcing is all about right? LOL

1) I'm grateful for CHOOSING not to cut!
2) I'm grateful for not self-destructing.
3) I'm grateful for getting all my homework done.
4) I am grateful for being able to order my training manual today.
5) I am grateful for the dog curled up on the floor next to me.