I found out today that my brother and his family is coming through NC to go to Florida in a few weeks. SO I called my son and asked him to catch a ride and come visit me. It has been 18 months since I have seen him, even though I try to talk to him weekly by phone. He used the excuse that his work takes 2 months to schedule a vacation, but in the same breath told me that he can't because he is going to Montana with some friends in July. So what's the truth?
Is he punishing me for something different this time that I don't know about? Is he being serious about his job? Does he not want to see me ( if you remember I asked him to go with me to my cousins wedding and he turned me down for that too)?
I started bawling after we hung up. The funny part is that first my mom came in, didn't say anything about me crying. Then my step-dad came in and talked to me for about 10 minutes and didn't say anything about me crying. Then my mom came back in and still didn't say anything. What the hell are the odds of that?
I want to self-destruct! I want to self mutilate! I want to destroy shit! I want to hate myself and blame myself for things I don't even know if I have done or not. I want to hate myself! But I won't. I have to be stronger then that. I have to be better then that. I have to maintain control if I want to get better. I'll let you all know how it went tomorrow. LOL
Sorry but I don't have the strength to want to do my grateful list. Ah the hell with it, thats what forcing is all about right? LOL
1) I'm grateful for CHOOSING not to cut!
2) I'm grateful for not self-destructing.
3) I'm grateful for getting all my homework done.
4) I am grateful for being able to order my training manual today.
5) I am grateful for the dog curled up on the floor next to me.
Showing posts with label Son. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Son. Show all posts
Monday, May 31, 2010
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Yes Virginia, there is a Santa.
I didn't think I was going to have a Christmas, matter of fact, I could have cared less if we even had one. Normally I put up all my Christmas decorations the day after Thanksgiving, this year I didn't. Hell, I don't even have my Christmas decorations here. LOL. Most are at my ex-husband's house and the rest are in Georgia where I know they are in good hands, so I couldn't have put them up even if I wanted to.
Well I was sitting around today and was thinking about Christmas and how I couldn't buy or even make people anything, I couldn't send my son anything and was getting severely depressed. The more I thought about it the madder and depressed I got.
Then I remembered what Christmas is really all about. So I pulled mom off the computer, told her what I wanted to do and we started going through the house finding all her Christmas decorations. Since my mom isn't a decorating person, this was a hard task. LOL. Then I had an even bigger idea: we couldn't afford a tree this year due to her financial problems and me not having money period, so I went out in her from yard and cut down one of her fir trees (she lives in the city so you can imagine what her neighbors thought, but we didn't care) with a circular saw my step dad probably has never used. LOL. We took two boards, criss-crossed them, then nailed them into the bottom of the tree, viola, our own Charlie Brown tree was up, just needed decorations. So again I went off hunting for them, finally found some in one closet and the rest under her clothes in her bedroom closet.
But Christmas isn't about trees, decorations, cooking mass meals, and giving gifts. It's about miracles, giving, and celebration. I had forgotten that. I am used to being the one that made sure everyone was taken care of, but Lori. Hell until last Christmas I hadn't even seen a gift for myself in over 10 years, so it's not about "what about me", to me it was, "what can I do for everyone else". Then my thinking started to change, in big ways. I've started looking for the positive in things, to see that things do happen for a reason.
Miracles, do happen, yes even to me. For this is so amazing to me.
Not only did I get into the Christmas spirit, the heat on my truck got fixed and for pennies, I am finally getting the help I need for my Bipolar Disorder, my grandma is getting better by the day, I haven't cut in 8 days, my son is actually being a son, all my friends are in good health and happy, and I am on the right path to recover.
These are the greatest gifts I could ask for this Holiday Season. Thank You Santa!
1) I am grateful that things have their own way of working out for the best.
2) I am grateful for the Christmas Tree we got today and all the decorations we put up.
3) I am grateful for my totally awesome friends! All 2 of you know who you are. LOL
4) I am grateful to the cat who hide under my truck because he is afraid of the bully indoor cat, he makes me smile.
5) I am grateful for the fact that I am starting a path of recovery I could have only imagined.
Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and I hope you find your own Christmas Miracle. I wish you and all your family a super terrific Holiday Season and an even more spectacular 2010.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Proud of my Son
Normally when Keith calls me he wants something. It is the same if I call him as well. Tonight that wasn't the case. I called him figuring he would be at work and he was, so I left my normally "call me" message. At midnight, like a good boy he promptly returned my call. He sounded so matured, more then he ever has. He spoke to me for the first time in his life like an adult; no bitching, complaining, or wanting anything. He asked how I was doing, as well as my mom, and grandma. I was shocked.
Never before had I heard my son speak to me with the tone that he did of a fine young man. For the very first time he didn't ask for money, didn't ask if I was getting him anything for Christmas, he just wanted to know how I was doing. Again, I was in total shock. Then he asked something I had never heard him ask before, "Mom, how are you doing".
He is 20, I know he has no idea what I am going through right now, but there are times I under estimate him and tonight was one of those nights. My baby boy finally is beinginng to show me he is growing up. He then proceeded to ask me what I was doing for Christmas and what I wanted. That broke my heart!
I had to tell him I had no money to do anything. I couldn't come see him, I couldn't send him any thing, nor could I even afford to mail him out a Christmas card. It's been a 13 months since I have seen my baby. He lives in Ohio and I have lived all up and down the Eastern Seaboard, but I couldn't once find the strength to go West to Ohio to see him. Shame on me!
Needless to say, I've spent the last 20 minutes cutting on myself due to how much I "hate me" at this moment!
My son has always meant the world to me and for the last few years I haven't shown him nor have I shown myself. I haven't negelected him in anyway, except to take his mother away from him and that in it's own right, is wrong of me. Why do I do this to myself and him? He deserves a better mother then me damn it! He is at an age where he needs his mother more then he knows and I'm not even able to offer him the support he needs; to wrap my arms around him when he is hurt, to wipe away a tear when it falls, to put something warm in his tummy when it growls. Why can't I find the strength to be that person he needs!
Right now I have no one to blame but me. I want to be there with him as he is showing me so much potential. He has been just as lost as I am and now he is reaching out to me in ways I never knew he could. I so wanted to wrap my arms around him tonight. He didn't act it or show it, but he needed his momma and she is 500 miles away from her baby. I love you son and I am so sorry to have let you down this Christmas and many others past.
You mean the world to me and I need you just as much as you need me. I'm sorry I have been such a big disappointment in your life and I hope to spend the next 50 years making it up to you.
My wish for you this Christmas is for you to keep growing and moving forward, follow your head and your heart and you will find happiness. Don't let life break you down, instead, break life down. You have many gifts and things to show the world and I know you will! Keep up the great work, your headed in the right direction son! I love you Keith more then you could ever know or come to realize. I'm proud of you!
Never before had I heard my son speak to me with the tone that he did of a fine young man. For the very first time he didn't ask for money, didn't ask if I was getting him anything for Christmas, he just wanted to know how I was doing. Again, I was in total shock. Then he asked something I had never heard him ask before, "Mom, how are you doing".
He is 20, I know he has no idea what I am going through right now, but there are times I under estimate him and tonight was one of those nights. My baby boy finally is beinginng to show me he is growing up. He then proceeded to ask me what I was doing for Christmas and what I wanted. That broke my heart!
I had to tell him I had no money to do anything. I couldn't come see him, I couldn't send him any thing, nor could I even afford to mail him out a Christmas card. It's been a 13 months since I have seen my baby. He lives in Ohio and I have lived all up and down the Eastern Seaboard, but I couldn't once find the strength to go West to Ohio to see him. Shame on me!
Needless to say, I've spent the last 20 minutes cutting on myself due to how much I "hate me" at this moment!
My son has always meant the world to me and for the last few years I haven't shown him nor have I shown myself. I haven't negelected him in anyway, except to take his mother away from him and that in it's own right, is wrong of me. Why do I do this to myself and him? He deserves a better mother then me damn it! He is at an age where he needs his mother more then he knows and I'm not even able to offer him the support he needs; to wrap my arms around him when he is hurt, to wipe away a tear when it falls, to put something warm in his tummy when it growls. Why can't I find the strength to be that person he needs!
Right now I have no one to blame but me. I want to be there with him as he is showing me so much potential. He has been just as lost as I am and now he is reaching out to me in ways I never knew he could. I so wanted to wrap my arms around him tonight. He didn't act it or show it, but he needed his momma and she is 500 miles away from her baby. I love you son and I am so sorry to have let you down this Christmas and many others past.
You mean the world to me and I need you just as much as you need me. I'm sorry I have been such a big disappointment in your life and I hope to spend the next 50 years making it up to you.
My wish for you this Christmas is for you to keep growing and moving forward, follow your head and your heart and you will find happiness. Don't let life break you down, instead, break life down. You have many gifts and things to show the world and I know you will! Keep up the great work, your headed in the right direction son! I love you Keith more then you could ever know or come to realize. I'm proud of you!
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Things I'm Greatful For
These are things that I am great full for today. I am going to try a new approach to making sure my self healing is complete. While most of my posts will still be negative more then likely, I have vowed to start fresh and move myself forward. I WILL find my sanity again!
1) My dear friends and the ones I make on a daily basis. Without them I think I would lose my sanity.
2) The ability to wake up and enjoy each new day as best as I can.
3) My Bipolar. Without it I think my life would be dull.
4) My son. While he maybe like me more and more each day, he isn't struggling to find the goodness in himself.
5) My ability to change things if I so desire.
I think 5 a day is a good start!
1) My dear friends and the ones I make on a daily basis. Without them I think I would lose my sanity.
2) The ability to wake up and enjoy each new day as best as I can.
3) My Bipolar. Without it I think my life would be dull.
4) My son. While he maybe like me more and more each day, he isn't struggling to find the goodness in himself.
5) My ability to change things if I so desire.
I think 5 a day is a good start!
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