Bipolar Makes the World Go Round

Today is one of those days when everything just feels "blah", if you know what I mean. DBT Group sucked as usual, my life sucks as usual, I'm a broke biotch, and I lack in ambition. Ah but then who doesn't. LOL. At least I still have my humor and that is what counts.

Talked my girl "M" today and I flat out told her I was a negative Nellie. LOL. She came back with different names for. I'll just flat out say what it is to me. But yea know, as much as shit sucks right now, I am still smiling and laughing. To me that's what counts. I know I need to be positive for positive things to happen, but truthfully no one can be positive 24/7 and still be sane. LOL

On a positive note, I asked for something outloud from my buddy, and I got it from another person unexpected. That to me was a shock and it got me to thinking about the laws of attraction and if they were really true or not.

Law of Attraction: The Science of Attracting More of What You Want and Less of What You Don't

Its hard to believe that something so simple could happen like that. If the Law of Attraction is true, why do so many people lead such negetive lives. Something for me to ponder on, as if I dont think about enough deep shit. LOL.

Mom and i rented a very bad movie tonight, I had a hard time keeping my mind on it. But as I was sitting there letting it wander off, I decided to try one of the exercises that I learned in Group and that is when your mind wanders off like that, rein it back in to what you are doing at that point. What I found is, while I can rein it back in, my mind seems to be thinking of itself and wanders off again. In the 2 hours it took to watch that movie, I ended up pulling myself back to it about evey 5 minutes. Tough, but I did it. Makes you wonder if someone might actually know what their talking about. LOL. I'm sure over time and with proper training I will be able to get my mind on the right track. Don't get me wrong, I bet on the occasion my mind will do what it wants, regardless of what I want, but that won't matter any more as I will know how to control it.

I haven't had a thought in my head about cutting lately. Sure the urge is always there, but I have to have the desire if I am going to do something like that and self mutilating has not been on my agenda. I realy don't feel like bleeding right now, sure I could use a good self mutilating session, but thats not where I want to be. I want to be free of mutilating, free of the pain I have afterward, free of the mindset, free of the mess I have to clean up later on down the road. I DON'T WANT TO SELF MUTILATE ANY MORE!!!!!!! On the truth side of things, I know it's not gone from my life, but I know I will beat the 3 years I was clean of self mutilating. I have that strength, that power! I control me, not my cutting.

The Attraction Distraction: Why the Law of Attraction Isn't Working for You and How to Get Results - 

My grateful list tonight includes:

1) I am grateful for wonderful friends. I am up to 3 now. LOL. I'm growing in numbers.
2) I'm grateful for the Christmas Miracle that happened today with positive thinking.
3) I'm grateful for the fact I get to go back to school.
4) I'm grateful that things are looking up for me with my DBT Group.
5) I'm gratefrul for the fact tomorrow I get to take Grammy to get her hair done. LOL.

Have to throw the funny ones in there a time or two. LOL. Okay serious thought now: Wonder if Santa will bring me my Christmas wishes, after all I have been semi naughty this year. LOL. Please Santa, I need that gym membership!

To write another day!!!

Can't get a Psych Counselor, Become a Psych Counselor!

I have done it! I have started applying to schools to become a Psych Counselor. I decided last night that since I am having such a hard time getting one of my own, why not become one. Hell I'm very good at doing the same things they do, I just don't have the degree. I thought about taking the short route and just becoming an assistant to see if that was something I want to do, but I decided no, I need to just jump into this and push myself forward. I need to fight to the finish on this one as this will have a major impact on my life. After all I am 38 and am not getting any younger. So by the time I graduate from a major college with a Bachelor's Degree in Applied Psychology, I will be 43 years old and just starting my life all over again.

I'm proud of myself for taking this step!

I want to help people who ask for it. I have no desire to be in a fancy office waiting for my clients who might be cheating on a spouse and feeling guilty about it, I want the real deal. LOL. I told a friend of mine last night, "My luck I'll be the sap who works for free because people such as myself will come to them." Yes that will be me and I'll take those cases because the people need help, not because I want to be rich.

My heart is huge and it has room for 50 people if they want the care, if they don't then it will be patiently waiting for the next 2 or 3 to trickle in. Thats me in a nut shell. Big heart, big head, and plenty of room for more friends, patients, and family that want to crawl inside. LOL. Will you be my next "victium" er I meant patient. LOL.

Isn't humor a wonderful thing! You can find humor in most things that you do, no matter how bad the situation is, there is always something funny involved in it. Sure you might not think so at the time, but later as your sitting there reflecting on what the situation was, you'll find something along the line that was humorous.

I have this dear dear friend that I met just a few weeks ago online. Her and I have become an insperation in each others lives. I don't think I could face a day without her, that is how much she has become a part of my life. The moral of that; someone can come to you even from far away and without meeting them can make the biggest difference in your life for the good. Thank you my Dear Canadian Friend! You know who you are.

My gratitude list for tonight goes like this;

1) I am grateful for my Friend "M".

2) I am grateful for the desire to go back to school and persue a life long goal.

3) I am grateful for the turkey that I cooked today and for the full stomach that I have.

4) I am grateful my grandma seems to be in blessed spirits tonight

5) I am grateful that I can live another day in a semi-peaceful state.

Now I know some of these might over lap a few days ago here and there, but they are things that deserve to be here.

Till Tomorrow.....