Proud of my Son

Normally when Keith calls me he wants something. It is the same if I call him as well. Tonight that wasn't the case. I called him figuring he would be at work and he was, so I left my normally "call me" message. At midnight, like a good boy he promptly returned my call. He sounded so matured, more then he ever has. He spoke to me for the first time in his life like an adult; no bitching, complaining, or wanting anything. He asked how I was doing, as well as my mom, and grandma. I was shocked.

Never before had I heard my son speak to me with the tone that he did of a fine young man. For the very first time he didn't ask for money, didn't ask if I was getting him anything for Christmas, he just wanted to know how I was doing. Again, I was in total shock. Then he asked something I had never heard him ask before, "Mom, how are you doing".

He is 20, I know he has no idea what I am going through right now, but there are times I under estimate him and tonight was one of those nights. My baby boy finally is beinginng to show me he is growing up. He then proceeded to ask me what I was doing for Christmas and what I wanted. That broke my heart!

I had to tell him I had no money to do anything. I couldn't come see him, I couldn't send him any thing, nor could I even afford to mail him out a Christmas card. It's been a 13 months since I have seen my baby. He lives in Ohio and I have lived all up and down the Eastern Seaboard, but I couldn't once find the strength to go West to Ohio to see him. Shame on me!

Needless to say, I've spent the last 20 minutes cutting on myself due to how much I "hate me" at this moment!

My son has always meant the world to me and for the last few years I haven't shown him nor have I shown myself. I haven't negelected him in anyway, except to take his mother away from him and that in it's own right, is wrong of me. Why do I do this to myself and him? He deserves a better mother then me damn it! He is at an age where he needs his mother more then he knows and I'm not even able to offer him the support he needs; to wrap my arms around him when he is hurt, to wipe away a tear when it falls, to put something warm in his tummy when it growls. Why can't I find the strength to be that person he needs!

Right now I have no one to blame but me. I want to be there with him as he is showing me so much potential. He has been just as lost as I am and now he is reaching out to me in ways I never knew he could. I so wanted to wrap my arms around him tonight. He didn't act it or show it, but he needed his momma and she is 500 miles away from her baby. I love you son and I am so sorry to have let you down this Christmas and many others past.

You mean the world to me and I need you just as much as you need me. I'm sorry I have been such a big disappointment in your life and I hope to spend the next 50 years making it up to you.

My wish for you this Christmas is for you to keep growing and moving forward, follow your head and your heart and you will find happiness. Don't let life break you down, instead, break life down. You have many gifts and things to show the world and I know you will! Keep up the great work, your headed in the right direction son! I love you Keith more then you could ever know or come to realize. I'm proud of you!