This post with make my 100th posting. If I had kept up with it and not done my usual wondering, I would have hit this mark a long time ago!
Since chatting with you all last I have accomplished many different things, good or bad I consider them an accomplishment.
After living in my mom's home for 2 years I have finally moved into my own place. Yes I have doubted every minute that I have been here whether or not I made the right choices. By moving I no longer have my security blanket and that makes me wonder if I made the right choice or not. However, since moving, an opportunity has presented itself to make me realize that I have changed my position in my mom's eyes and that for me is a major blessing. I now know just how much she supports me and believes in me. Thank you momma and I love you dearly!
Everyday is a battle for me, no matter how good or bad I am doing. Each morning I wake up and dread the fact I have to go to work, but I go anyway due to 2 factors: 1) I have bills to pay, LOL (I think that will make anyone go to work whether or not they want to), and 2) I can't let my clients down by canceling our appointments. So everyday has become, "Force Lori to Work Day". Luckily I do know that this is the time of year when I cycle into my depression state so I know how to cope with this time of the year, but it is difficult.
On a brighter note, I am almost done with my Self-Harm program that I have spent the past few months working on. A self harm support group has agreed to try it out and test it for me, as well as a few other groups around the world. I am so proud of myself for this accomplishment. Also I got to go to the National Alliance of Peer Specialists Conference last week. Truly enjoyed myself and got to meet the people that I have spent the last year getting to know by phone and email, it was truly a great pleasure, not just to be recognized by this amazing group of people but to see the differences I have made in others lives. Like I have ben saying all a long: I didn't find this job, it found me. Thank you Karma!
August 12, I was in a car accident. The people hit my truck at 70 miles an hour and did $3269.54 in damage to my truck. Thankfully they bounced off the spare tire under my truck and knocked them backwards 100 feet or so, otherwise we all might have been hurt worse then we all were. Totaled their Toyota. The migraines that I have been getting since then are HELL though! I even think I might have to take my Revvie to the Vet and have him looked at since he was thrown around in the back seat. Also my Uncle Lennie passed away and there has been a few other issues I have had this month. August hasn't been a nice month for me!
Oh well time to run and head to work now, but before I go I have one more thing to write: my gratitude list....
1) I am grateful for the accomplishments that I am making.
2) I am grateful for all the people that find strength in my accomplishments.
3) I am grateful for the love and support my mom has shown me!
4) I am grateful for what my higher power has helped me achieve.
5) I am grateful everyday for the work I am doing.
As I wander the earth in search of my peace and happiness, this is where I'll post my rants where it concerns my mental health as I discover things about my Bipolar Disorder, my Borderline Personality Disorder, and other medical issues. Here is where you will read and explore the things I am going through.
Disclaimer
Need Immediate Help?
If you are having thoughts of death or suicide, call 1–800–273–8255 (TALK), or if you need immediate assistance, call 911 or go to a hospital emergency room
"Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself" ~~Thomas Jefferson.
Showing posts with label Recovery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Recovery. Show all posts
Friday, August 26, 2011
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
New Challenges
In a matter of 3 days I lost 12 hours at work due to medicaid cutting consumers hours. I adore my job, love all my consumers to no end and they know that I would do anything I could for them. Except give them extra hours like the ones they got taken away from them. Technically your not supposed to befriend your consumers, but I saw no way around it. After all their supposed to trust you and accept you at your word when you tell them that this or that worked for you and your trying to convince them to try the same things to help them through their recovery. So I see no way around befriending them.
I make no money off of my job. All the money I make goes towards gas and my hotel room, leaving just enough to pay one bill each month. So it's really not the money I'm worried about. Its the fact that I feel greedy about losing my hours with my consumers. I have made so much progress with 2 of them that I hate to see them back slide all because of their medicaid. So in a way I'm being greedy for them.
I am seeing a pattern here. My writing is all over the place, I'm confused about what I am mad about, which means only one thing. Depression! Course it doesn't help I've been out of medication for over a month. LOL. I think I need to head to bed.
Oh and I made a very bad joke at work today. We were sitting around talking about the P Doc refilling prescriptions and I asked my QP if she thought he would write me a script for my Klonapin. They didn't find it funny. However I had a great laugh when I saw the look on their face. LOL
Sweet Dreams All.....
1) I am grateful for this oppritunity to tell a friend I am sorry after a year and a half!
2) I am grateful for the people I have met through work.
3) I am grateful that school starts again next week.
4) I am grateful for the rain we have had, even if it makes my job harder since this entire area is very flood prone.
5) I am grateful for the Iguana that I rescued who is now happy and content.
I make no money off of my job. All the money I make goes towards gas and my hotel room, leaving just enough to pay one bill each month. So it's really not the money I'm worried about. Its the fact that I feel greedy about losing my hours with my consumers. I have made so much progress with 2 of them that I hate to see them back slide all because of their medicaid. So in a way I'm being greedy for them.
I am seeing a pattern here. My writing is all over the place, I'm confused about what I am mad about, which means only one thing. Depression! Course it doesn't help I've been out of medication for over a month. LOL. I think I need to head to bed.
Oh and I made a very bad joke at work today. We were sitting around talking about the P Doc refilling prescriptions and I asked my QP if she thought he would write me a script for my Klonapin. They didn't find it funny. However I had a great laugh when I saw the look on their face. LOL
Sweet Dreams All.....
1) I am grateful for this oppritunity to tell a friend I am sorry after a year and a half!
2) I am grateful for the people I have met through work.
3) I am grateful that school starts again next week.
4) I am grateful for the rain we have had, even if it makes my job harder since this entire area is very flood prone.
5) I am grateful for the Iguana that I rescued who is now happy and content.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Bullies and Bullying
Growing up I was always the "outcast" kid in school or the neighborhood. I was overweight and I was being abused at home and my other safe zones so I had issues with wanting to fit in. For me fitting in meant doing stupid shit to get people to laugh or accept me, it meant trying things I normally wouldn't have done, and it meant bullying other kids like me to get people to accept me. I was fighting for attention more matter what it took to get it.
By being bullied at home; sexually, mentally, and psychically, it made me reach out to people in the worst ways. I HAD to be accepted! I HAD this need to feel liked or loved no matter what it took to happen. I just had a need that I wanted filled, so I bullied. Bullying others for me was something that came naturally, I was simply put, BIGGER then almost all the other kids I went to school with.
Men have always scared the hell out of me, so I LET them bully me! But then you have the ones who let me bully them, (and I do). Normally when I start bullying them it means they are on my nerves and I want away from them at all costs.
I mostly bullied people for the attention it got me, good or bad. I didn't think nothing of having Bipolar or Borderline Personality Disorder, no mental illness ever crossed my mind when I would be doing this. However, to all the people I have ever bullied; I am truly truly sorry for doing it. It was wrong of me and yes it took me this long to realize that and to see I had other issues that needed dealt with.
But the person I bully the most, is ME. I am always bullying myself to be a better person, when I see my faults, when my negativity hits the surface, and even when it comes to being in a relationship. So I guess I am still a big bully, just from a different angle now. How does one get over this act towards themselves? I am working on that answer. LOL
My 5 grateful things for today are:
1) I am grateful that my grammy's dog harry will be ok.
2) I am grateful for the sun shining and the flowers blooming.
3) I am grateful that I have yet to break down since leaving DBT. Guess that makes me strong after all!
4) I am grateful for getting to help the homeless tomorrow.
5) I am grateful for my vision wall to help me through my tough times.
By being bullied at home; sexually, mentally, and psychically, it made me reach out to people in the worst ways. I HAD to be accepted! I HAD this need to feel liked or loved no matter what it took to happen. I just had a need that I wanted filled, so I bullied. Bullying others for me was something that came naturally, I was simply put, BIGGER then almost all the other kids I went to school with.
Men have always scared the hell out of me, so I LET them bully me! But then you have the ones who let me bully them, (and I do). Normally when I start bullying them it means they are on my nerves and I want away from them at all costs.
I mostly bullied people for the attention it got me, good or bad. I didn't think nothing of having Bipolar or Borderline Personality Disorder, no mental illness ever crossed my mind when I would be doing this. However, to all the people I have ever bullied; I am truly truly sorry for doing it. It was wrong of me and yes it took me this long to realize that and to see I had other issues that needed dealt with.
But the person I bully the most, is ME. I am always bullying myself to be a better person, when I see my faults, when my negativity hits the surface, and even when it comes to being in a relationship. So I guess I am still a big bully, just from a different angle now. How does one get over this act towards themselves? I am working on that answer. LOL
My 5 grateful things for today are:
1) I am grateful that my grammy's dog harry will be ok.
2) I am grateful for the sun shining and the flowers blooming.
3) I am grateful that I have yet to break down since leaving DBT. Guess that makes me strong after all!
4) I am grateful for getting to help the homeless tomorrow.
5) I am grateful for my vision wall to help me through my tough times.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Negative, with a Positive Twist
We all reflect on the negative things in life, but for those of us who suffer from a Mental Illness, such as Bipolar Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress, Borderline Personality Disorder, Major Depression, it can be hard to let go of all the negative things that have happened in our lives either directly to use or surrounding us.
The road to recovery begins by starting to let the feelings of negativity go.
Your probably saying to yourself right now that I'm crazy for even suggesting it, but trust me I'm not. When you let go of the negative and put your energy in another direction, things might not look totally out of this world awesome, but they will slowly start to improve!
I read a hell of a lot of blogs and messages on boards through out each day and the thing that grabs me the most of each message is the negativity (yes even on my blog). You'd think it would be the person's need for help or attention that would grab me the most, but it's not, it the negative reflections that they have on themselves or their lives.
One thing I have learned from my DBT group, if anything, is that surrounding myself with to much negativity kills me, even when it comes from myself. It makes me want to cut, get depressed, or whatever. But it does kill me. Trust me, too much positivity makes me want to puke also. LOL. So I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Where do we find a happy medium?
I have a quote on my vision wall that I read daily, I'll put it here to share with you all. It inspires me to become a better person.
I adore that quote! Just something about it makes me WANT to succeed in my recovery and stick to it!
I know its a hard thing to do, but try to think positive and at some point it will all start to click. Don't reflect on the negative if you can help it.....
5 Things I am Grateful for today....
1) My vision wall! It helps me see the positive when all I want is the negative.
2) Wet puppy kisses and loving when all I want to do is curl up and cry
3) Books that take my mind off the dark places.
4) Birds chirping to remind me I'm alive.
5) For being able to go swimming when all I wanted to do was hide away.
The road to recovery begins by starting to let the feelings of negativity go.
Your probably saying to yourself right now that I'm crazy for even suggesting it, but trust me I'm not. When you let go of the negative and put your energy in another direction, things might not look totally out of this world awesome, but they will slowly start to improve!
I read a hell of a lot of blogs and messages on boards through out each day and the thing that grabs me the most of each message is the negativity (yes even on my blog). You'd think it would be the person's need for help or attention that would grab me the most, but it's not, it the negative reflections that they have on themselves or their lives.
One thing I have learned from my DBT group, if anything, is that surrounding myself with to much negativity kills me, even when it comes from myself. It makes me want to cut, get depressed, or whatever. But it does kill me. Trust me, too much positivity makes me want to puke also. LOL. So I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Where do we find a happy medium?
I have a quote on my vision wall that I read daily, I'll put it here to share with you all. It inspires me to become a better person.
The most inspirational thing in life is a person who has overcome obstacles and hardships. Norman Vincent Peale
I adore that quote! Just something about it makes me WANT to succeed in my recovery and stick to it!
I know its a hard thing to do, but try to think positive and at some point it will all start to click. Don't reflect on the negative if you can help it.....
5 Things I am Grateful for today....
1) My vision wall! It helps me see the positive when all I want is the negative.
2) Wet puppy kisses and loving when all I want to do is curl up and cry
3) Books that take my mind off the dark places.
4) Birds chirping to remind me I'm alive.
5) For being able to go swimming when all I wanted to do was hide away.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Working, Hoping, Praying....
I find myself longing for a job this morning! Something I haven't felt in years.
I want to help other's who are in the same boat I am and for the most part I can't help them till I complete Peer Support training, my Psychology degree or some other means to obtain that job. I finally found a Peer Support Specialist Training group over in Winston Salem, but they charge $250.00 bucks for their course and with my truck payment coming up, I just don't have that kind of cash. It crushes me to feel that helpless!
Besides that blow, this week ended my individual therapy and my group therapy. Again, I am crushed! I was really starting to like both and feel they were finally beginning to help me. Sure I can go back, if I'm in CRISIS mode!!! Which really fucking sucks. Why should someone have to be in crisis mode to get the help they need? The way I see it, if someone is trying to get the help to make their life better, BEFORE THEY GO INTO CRISIS MODE, doesn't it make more sense to help them then as well if they are reaching out for it?
I so am beginning to hate the government more and more when it comes to getting the healthcare help I need!
If I won the lottery, one of the first things I would do is open a pro-bono mental health facility, a grant writer, and a staff who has the same love that I do for mental health. Kind of like Patch Adam of the mental health world. LOL
I have big dreams, big ideas, and I finally see that if I put my mind to something I CAN DO IT! LOL. Never thought I'd hear that come out of my mouth.
I swear I'm not have a Borderline Personality issue, I'm not in manic mode, and I'm not having grandiose ideas (except for wanting to win the lottery). I'm not having ay of these, I swear. These are just ideas that I have for the future and at some point in my life I just want to see happen. I want to help those who are worse off then me recover, have some form of life, or begin to live again. I'm not trying to cure the world, I just want to help the world. This is my way of being the people pleaser that I know I am, with a catch; to help myself along the way.
5 things I am Grateful for today......
1) To be in recovery and realize that I have actually been for the past 6 years.
2) To finally accept that I am a good person and that I can do great things!
3) That I have a wonderful and supporting mother, even if I don't tell her.
4) That I actually finished the first quarter of school with out dropping out!!!! YIPEE!!!!!
5) For the kisses that wake me up every morning, from my puppy telling me he has to go outside. LMAO
I want to help other's who are in the same boat I am and for the most part I can't help them till I complete Peer Support training, my Psychology degree or some other means to obtain that job. I finally found a Peer Support Specialist Training group over in Winston Salem, but they charge $250.00 bucks for their course and with my truck payment coming up, I just don't have that kind of cash. It crushes me to feel that helpless!
Besides that blow, this week ended my individual therapy and my group therapy. Again, I am crushed! I was really starting to like both and feel they were finally beginning to help me. Sure I can go back, if I'm in CRISIS mode!!! Which really fucking sucks. Why should someone have to be in crisis mode to get the help they need? The way I see it, if someone is trying to get the help to make their life better, BEFORE THEY GO INTO CRISIS MODE, doesn't it make more sense to help them then as well if they are reaching out for it?
I so am beginning to hate the government more and more when it comes to getting the healthcare help I need!
If I won the lottery, one of the first things I would do is open a pro-bono mental health facility, a grant writer, and a staff who has the same love that I do for mental health. Kind of like Patch Adam of the mental health world. LOL
I have big dreams, big ideas, and I finally see that if I put my mind to something I CAN DO IT! LOL. Never thought I'd hear that come out of my mouth.
I swear I'm not have a Borderline Personality issue, I'm not in manic mode, and I'm not having grandiose ideas (except for wanting to win the lottery). I'm not having ay of these, I swear. These are just ideas that I have for the future and at some point in my life I just want to see happen. I want to help those who are worse off then me recover, have some form of life, or begin to live again. I'm not trying to cure the world, I just want to help the world. This is my way of being the people pleaser that I know I am, with a catch; to help myself along the way.
5 things I am Grateful for today......
1) To be in recovery and realize that I have actually been for the past 6 years.
2) To finally accept that I am a good person and that I can do great things!
3) That I have a wonderful and supporting mother, even if I don't tell her.
4) That I actually finished the first quarter of school with out dropping out!!!! YIPEE!!!!!
5) For the kisses that wake me up every morning, from my puppy telling me he has to go outside. LMAO
Friday, March 12, 2010
Fighting the Fight, one at a time...
I have decided that it is time to fight only ONE battle at a time instead of trying to take on all of them at once. There for I have chosen to fight my Borderline Personality Disorder since I know it is something I can CHOOSE to recover from, the Bipolar I'll have the rest of my life (like it or not, since it is chemical in-balanced). I know I will never be 100% normal, but then what exactly is normal and who the hell defines who or what is normal.
Being in the hospital last night for 9 hours really gives you time to think and think away I did. I realized, analyzed, and contemplated everything in my life that could change for the better and decided what I could and couldn't throw out. I decided that while I am taking a very big hand in my own recovery, I'm overwhelming myself by taking on to much at once. I'm trying to recover from my Borderline Personality Disorder, go to group and other therapies, take care of my grandmother, go to school, babysit all the adults in the house, figure out my Bipolar Disorder, and so much more. Something will have to go away! I have decided that since I'm on Bipolar medication and that seems to be stabilizing out, that my Bipolar can sit on the shelf for now and I'll keep taking the medication. Babysitting the adults will have to go to! They should be able to take care of themselves, course they might like that idea, but OH WELL.
Speaking of the other adults, I have noticed that I as I am in the process of my recovery, learning new ways to control my emotions, and sticking up for myself, that they have a tendency to get very pissy and defensive. THEY DO NOT LIKE THE RECOVERING LORI!! LOL. Do you honestly think I care? Nope! I am truly starting to like her and that just makes me happier then a clam in a cream sauce!
Dr. Munching has upped my Anxiety pills though to where I am now taking them daily and as needed. I feel he did this as I am feeling whatever causes my anxiety even more as opposed to where I used to hide under the rug. So in my mind, even though I'm taking more pills, this is a good thing as it means I am "feeling" more!
Ok enough ranting for today! LOL
5 Things that I am Grateful for:
1) That I did not have a heart attack last night!
2) That I do feel I am in Recovery and am Happy about it.
3) That my son chose to call me at 3am last night cause he needed help.
4) That mom made it home safely from Seattle.
5) That I have one week of school left and I had a awesome Semester!
Being in the hospital last night for 9 hours really gives you time to think and think away I did. I realized, analyzed, and contemplated everything in my life that could change for the better and decided what I could and couldn't throw out. I decided that while I am taking a very big hand in my own recovery, I'm overwhelming myself by taking on to much at once. I'm trying to recover from my Borderline Personality Disorder, go to group and other therapies, take care of my grandmother, go to school, babysit all the adults in the house, figure out my Bipolar Disorder, and so much more. Something will have to go away! I have decided that since I'm on Bipolar medication and that seems to be stabilizing out, that my Bipolar can sit on the shelf for now and I'll keep taking the medication. Babysitting the adults will have to go to! They should be able to take care of themselves, course they might like that idea, but OH WELL.
Speaking of the other adults, I have noticed that I as I am in the process of my recovery, learning new ways to control my emotions, and sticking up for myself, that they have a tendency to get very pissy and defensive. THEY DO NOT LIKE THE RECOVERING LORI!! LOL. Do you honestly think I care? Nope! I am truly starting to like her and that just makes me happier then a clam in a cream sauce!
Recovery: is the process of gaining control over one's life - and the direction one wants that life to go - on the other side of a Psychiatric diagnosis.I love that definition of Recovery! It fits me to a "T". Granted I will always be in recovery in one form or another, but who says I can't have control over MY life! It pisses me off to see those that I love and respect sitting around, doing nothing with their lives or not doing a damn thing to improve upon their lives or their condition what ever it may be. But do I get mad enough to cut or throw temper tantrums? Not anymore! (cheering section please)
Dr. Munching has upped my Anxiety pills though to where I am now taking them daily and as needed. I feel he did this as I am feeling whatever causes my anxiety even more as opposed to where I used to hide under the rug. So in my mind, even though I'm taking more pills, this is a good thing as it means I am "feeling" more!
Ok enough ranting for today! LOL
5 Things that I am Grateful for:
1) That I did not have a heart attack last night!
2) That I do feel I am in Recovery and am Happy about it.
3) That my son chose to call me at 3am last night cause he needed help.
4) That mom made it home safely from Seattle.
5) That I have one week of school left and I had a awesome Semester!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Recovery; is it all worth it?
I've noticed that my mood and changes in my moods depend on those around me. I was feeling great about myself today and was happy. I was getting school work done, doing research to help myself better, and enjoying the bright and sunny day. Then people around me started getting on me for no reason, shifting me back down to the depressed, upset, what the hell did I do to deserve all this mood. Then I'm out smoking and my finger is bleeding from where I had chewed on it. I subconsciously self harm myself in many ways to help the hurt try and go away; chew the skin off around my fingers, pull my hair, cut, dig open scabs and other boo boo's that are almost healed over. Why the hell do I hurt myself at the expense of others? Why does my fucking head break down everything I have learned to let other people hurt me STILL!!!!!!
THE NEGATIVITY FROM OTHER PEOPLE SUCKS!!!!!
Why does it always feel like I am using the things I have learned from DBT class, things are going great for me, then BOOM! All the kings horses crash down around me again. I have to find a way to fight this negative "happening" off and keep it off! I realize I can't get rid of everything negative in my life, but damn where do I start. I can't push my friends and family out of my life completely! They are the most negative parts to me.
Before DBT group and remembering that I have Borderline Personality Disorder, I would have just pushed it all under the rug and let most of it slide by. That would have kept my miserable self happy. I wouldn't have felt the pain, (not on the surface anyway), but damn it, since learning DBT skills I fucking feel every ounce of pain even more! I fucking hate it most days. Then there are the days I am thankful for it.
Isn't recovery supposed to be a beautiful thing? Your life should be full of butterflies, sweet puppy kisses, joyful laughter, and excitedness. Why can't someone have one bad day and yet still be recovered? Does everything have to be peaches and cream when it comes to recovery? I don't think it does. Everyone is going to have a bad day or five, but does that mean you've relapsed?
Hell the way I see it, I will spend the rest of my life recovering from this and that, that has happened to me. I mean hell the shit didn't happen over night to start with, so it isn't going to go away over night. That being the case, how come you have to be a year out of recovery in order to become a Peer Support Specialist?
Ok, enough of my rant for the day. However if you come out of this reading wondering which way to go; find a class, group, or counselor, hell you can even contact a Peer Support Specialist (thats what they are here for). Recovery is the bottom line, no matter how long it takes! It helps in many ways (yes even with all my complaining about it). I'm very thankful for my DBT group and I am very proud to say, I haven't cut in a while thanks to their help.
5 Things I am Grateful For:
1) The sunny and beautiful day we are having today.
2) My newfound friends at Wellness City.
3) The fact my pup gave me a long run this morning.
4) That I'm able to finish my school assignments.
5) That my dear friends are smiling somewhere!
THE NEGATIVITY FROM OTHER PEOPLE SUCKS!!!!!
Why does it always feel like I am using the things I have learned from DBT class, things are going great for me, then BOOM! All the kings horses crash down around me again. I have to find a way to fight this negative "happening" off and keep it off! I realize I can't get rid of everything negative in my life, but damn where do I start. I can't push my friends and family out of my life completely! They are the most negative parts to me.
Before DBT group and remembering that I have Borderline Personality Disorder, I would have just pushed it all under the rug and let most of it slide by. That would have kept my miserable self happy. I wouldn't have felt the pain, (not on the surface anyway), but damn it, since learning DBT skills I fucking feel every ounce of pain even more! I fucking hate it most days. Then there are the days I am thankful for it.
Isn't recovery supposed to be a beautiful thing? Your life should be full of butterflies, sweet puppy kisses, joyful laughter, and excitedness. Why can't someone have one bad day and yet still be recovered? Does everything have to be peaches and cream when it comes to recovery? I don't think it does. Everyone is going to have a bad day or five, but does that mean you've relapsed?
Hell the way I see it, I will spend the rest of my life recovering from this and that, that has happened to me. I mean hell the shit didn't happen over night to start with, so it isn't going to go away over night. That being the case, how come you have to be a year out of recovery in order to become a Peer Support Specialist?
Ok, enough of my rant for the day. However if you come out of this reading wondering which way to go; find a class, group, or counselor, hell you can even contact a Peer Support Specialist (thats what they are here for). Recovery is the bottom line, no matter how long it takes! It helps in many ways (yes even with all my complaining about it). I'm very thankful for my DBT group and I am very proud to say, I haven't cut in a while thanks to their help.
5 Things I am Grateful For:
1) The sunny and beautiful day we are having today.
2) My newfound friends at Wellness City.
3) The fact my pup gave me a long run this morning.
4) That I'm able to finish my school assignments.
5) That my dear friends are smiling somewhere!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
