Working, Hoping, Praying....

I find myself longing for a job this morning! Something I haven't felt in years.

I want to help other's who are in the same boat I am and for the most part I can't help them till I complete Peer Support training, my Psychology degree or some other means to obtain that job. I finally found a Peer Support Specialist Training group over in Winston Salem, but they charge $250.00 bucks for their course and with my truck payment coming up, I just don't have that kind of cash. It crushes me to feel that helpless!

Besides that blow, this week ended my individual therapy and my group therapy. Again, I am crushed! I was really starting to like both and feel they were finally beginning to help me. Sure I can go back, if I'm in CRISIS mode!!! Which really fucking sucks. Why should someone have to be in crisis mode to get the help they need? The way I see it, if someone is trying to get the help to make their life better, BEFORE THEY GO INTO CRISIS MODE, doesn't it make more sense to help them then as well if they are reaching out for it?

I so am beginning to hate the government more and more when it comes to getting the healthcare help I need!

If I won the lottery, one of the first things I would do is open a pro-bono mental health facility, a grant writer, and a staff who has the same love that I do for mental health. Kind of like Patch Adam of the mental health world. LOL

I have big dreams, big ideas, and I finally see that if I put my mind to something I CAN DO IT! LOL. Never thought I'd hear that come out of my mouth.

I swear I'm not have a Borderline Personality issue,  I'm not in manic mode, and I'm not having grandiose ideas (except for wanting to win the lottery). I'm not having ay of these, I swear. These are just ideas that I have for the future and at some point in my life I just want to see happen. I want to help those who are worse off then me recover, have some form of life, or begin to live again. I'm not trying to cure the world, I just want to help the world. This is my way of being the people pleaser that I know I am, with a catch; to help myself along the way.

5 things I am Grateful for today......

1) To be in recovery and realize that I have actually been for the past 6 years.
2) To finally accept that I am a good person and that I can do great things!
3) That I have a wonderful and supporting mother, even if I don't tell her.
4) That I actually finished the first quarter of school with out dropping out!!!! YIPEE!!!!!
5) For the kisses that wake me up every morning, from my puppy telling me he has to go outside. LMAO

The child inside

As I have been reading and learning new things about myself, I find that there is a child inside waiting to be let out. It shows in the type of men that I date, the things I like, the tantrums that I throw, and so on. I often sit and wish that things had turned out differently. However if they had would I still be the same strong woman that I am today? I think not and thats where all this fits in.

I want, no need someone to look after me like my father and mother should have, thats why I search for men older then myself to be a role model or father figure if you so wish to call him that. I don't search for a mother figure like I do a father figure though. I think that is only because my mom has been more involved in my life, unlike my father. I so want his approval, but know it will be a cold day in hell before I get it. His negativity kills me when it comes to myself or my family.

I long for the day I can get a real "I love you" out of him, the day when I walk in the door and he wraps me in his arms and tells me "welcome", or simply the day he picks up the phone and asks me how I'm doing without being prompted. I know these days will never come! Some days I wish my father wasn't around. I actually think it's harder to have a father around who ignores you, but yet is in your life somehow, then it would be to have a father passed away or out into this giant void we call life.

There is this lonely little girl inside of me looking and reaching out for acceptence. This fucking kills me because I am an adult in so many ways, but then I realize there is more to me fighting for me. My little girl just wants nurtured, loved, guidance, and acceptence. The adult already has that in many ways that the child doesn't have.

I don't live in the past like my mind might do. But how do I get that little girl out of my mind? I know we all have some part of child in our heads or lives, but for her to hang around the way she does, isn't right. She needs to be released out into the void and I can only do that, over time she will be released.

"L", I had another one of those moments you have been hoping for as I go through this road to recovery. I feel like a world has been lifted off my shoulders and my body is all tingely.

Things I'm Greatful For

These are things that I am great full for today. I am going to try a new approach to making sure my self healing is complete. While most of my posts will still be negative more then likely, I have vowed to start fresh and move myself forward. I WILL find my sanity again!

1) My dear friends and the ones I make on a daily basis. Without them I think I would lose my sanity.
2) The ability to wake up and enjoy each new day as best as I can.
3) My Bipolar. Without it I think my life would be dull.
4) My son. While he maybe like me more and more each day, he isn't struggling to find the goodness in himself.
5) My ability to change things if I so desire.

I think 5 a day is a good start!