Depression sinks in again....

It snuck up on me again. This is the second time in a month that I have been so depressed that I have thought about it 3 times now. Self-mutilating that is.

Things were looking up so awesomely to the point that my mom and grammy felt I was taking on to much. I admit I might have been but I was holding my own, till 2 weeks ago. I took a job 2 hours away from home and was driving the 4 hour round trip daily, until I got a call from a Raleigh Mental Health office offering me a position. SO obviously I quit the long commute and took the shorter one. Well the new company hasn't used me once, but yet they sure as hell have charged me for the training that they have made me take. I'm officially indebted to my new company for $350.00 and have yet to work a day at this point. Can we say cracking #1.

Cracking #2 is that I bought my training manuals, need to make 3 copies of the student manual and 1 copy of the teaching manual plus copies of all the hand outs that I will be using. The kid at the copy center told me it would be about 5 cents since I was getting so many copies, went to pick them up and bam!, triple the price that was quoted. I had counted on 40 bucks, instead it cost me $164.95. I'm in fucking hell by now. Can't afford the cost of the printings and they won't return my manuals till I pay for the copies. The good thing is that they are printed so that when I do get them back, all I have to do is put them together, send them in, wait 10 weeks, and pray they approve them so that I can teach Peer Support Specialist Training.

Anyone know where I can get a loan? LOL

I did apply for a Pepsi Refresh grant, it goes live July first and you can bet I will put a link on my blog so that people can vote for it. I want to train 100 people who would otherwise have no hope at getting a job do something that would be very rewarding to them in the long run, become a PSS. With so many budget cuts, many people have lost their services who were doing so well with the help. Medicare is finally getting ready to pass a definition for the PSS job which will create hundreds of jobs across the state and many other states are following suit since we don't cost as much as an RN or CSAC would. This grant would pay for their manuals, to attend the class for free instead of having to find ways to cover the costs, and so much more. So please when I put the link up, take a minute and vote for my organization.

Cracking #3 would be the fact that my truck payment is coming up soon, again thanks to the job not working me, I don't have it. Cracking #4 is the fact that last month I lost my MAC, got it back by putting it on layaway for double what I lost it for, and now I don't have that payment either. SO needless to say, I am hanging on by a tiny thread that has unraveled down to less then one and it's ready to break.

Why does everything revolved around money? It seems like most days, that is what causes much of my depression. I live with my mom and have paid her 50 bucks in 9 months even though I do contribute my food stamps to the house, but I hate that I can't pay her more since my step-dad doesn't work either, but at least I'm trying.

My grandma told me today that I am her "HOPE", making me feel like royal shit! So when she asked me how I have been doing I just smiled and said "ok grandma". Of course they have been expecting me to get this way, I just don't show them, nor do I let them in on my depression because there isn't anything they can do about it. They hold me to such high standards that I have set myself, that I feel like an even bigger failure when I let them down. I almost went over to the Durham Center today and checked myself in, that how close I am. Hell I still might. I have not had to be institutionalized in 13 years and I feel I am coming that close right now.

I hope everyone has a great day!

Memories and Guilt

Today marks the 7 year anniversary of my wonderful Grampy's passing. I miss him like it was yesterday and have never really mourned him in any capacity. I know that he would be proud of the woman that I am slowly becoming, but at the same time, I know he still holds the mistakes I have made in his mind.

This day is hard as when he passed away, he was angry with me and we never settled the dispute before he left this earth. I feel that is why I stick around taking care of my grandma, to make up for the things I have done in the past. My way of absorbing the guilt that lays heavily on my heart and mind. Will it ever go away? Will I ever be able to forgive myself to let it all subside? Will I always feel that I have to take care of my grandma to feel better about myself?

My grampy was my hero, my mentor, my protector, my teacher, and the man I could turn to unconditionally when I had no one else. In other words, he was the father I never had, but so viciously needed and wanted. Thank you grampy for being that man towards me. I am so sorry for the pain that I caused you and I hope some day I can forgive myself. You are dearly missed and loved!

Grandfather


Since I was a little child,
In all that I have been through;
You have always been my hero,
No one stood as tall as you.


You were the one who took the time,
To teach what I needed to learn;
The lessons in life you shared with me,
You shared with love and concern.


I loved you as a little child,
And now that I am grown;
I share those lessons you taught me;
With children of my own.


Generation to generation,
I'll pass on your legacy;
I'll tell of my loving Grandfather,
And all that you mean to me.


~~ Author Unknown

That was the poem I read at his funeral, it is very special to me and I place it on my vision wall today with pride in my heart as I remember all that my grandfather shared with me, taught me, and the adventures we had for the 31 years I got to share with him.

My grateful list:

1) Even though it saddens me, I am grateful my grampy is no longer in pain.
2) I am grateful for the new challenges that I have put on myself and seem to be over coming.
3) I am very grateful to the people whom I have befriended along the way through my recovery, sure I might drive them nuts with questions and get impatient waiting for answers, but I know they are there for me regardless and will support me in my recovery.
4) I am grateful for being able to take classes that will help me pursue my new career as a Certified Peer Support Specialist.
5) I am grateful for my Revvie loving to ride in the truck, stick his head up high with his ears flopping in the wind, making me laugh.