Past Pleasures Reborn

It would seem that I had lost my love for many things, simple things you might say. But with each passing day I find that I am hunting them down again, unknown to myself and my thinking.

For instance;

When I lived in Georgia I had this beautiful window over the kitchen sink that I loved to spend time each morning looking out over the Pecan grove and a hundred year old oak tree. The squirrels would jump and play from branch to branch, birds would hunt for food in the fresh cut grass and the wildflowers that grew,  little wild lizards basking in the sun, and the cats would play hell trying to catch my frolicking morning creatures. I could and did stand there for hours with my morning cup of tea just taking it all in. I had forgotten that pleasure until this morning. While I didn't have my cup of tea, I was able to sit on my patio furniture watching the squirrels jump from pine tree to pine tree. I also noticed my favorite 2 cardinals chasing each other through the trees. Boy what a pleasure that was!

I found love with a swing in my yard. I would sit there for hours watching my puppy play, the kittens in the yard trying to catch his tail. I would watch butterflies delicately kiss the flowers as they flew above them. Then nightfall would come and I would lay in my swing, looking up at the stars, and create my own name for them (a few times I may have even slept out there all night long LOL). Now I watch the butterflies in my moms yard and I sit on the front porch looking at at the moon each night just wondering.

Last summer when I lived in Maine each night after I closed the Restaurant I would sit out on the picnic table staring out over the ocean watching the seagulls and hoping for the chance to catch a fish jumping out of the water as the boats in the harbor rocked against the sparkling blue waters. Now I find the simple pleasure as I drive to work everyday of Herons fishing in ponds.

In Georgia I had these little lizards that would drive the cats crazy. LOL. Me as well since I loved to play with them. I could be standing there doing dishes and they would run out from behind the cupboards chasing after a fly. Now I am rescuing Iguanas again. Course my step-dad isn't happy, but I am and that is all that matters. LOL

The point to all of this is that when we are at our worst and need to find our happy spots again, look to the past and see what made you happy. Then find a way to make a new happiness for yourself. As I was writing this, I noticed most of my happiness came when I was in Georgia and I think I now know why. I had 2 amazing friends when I lived there and they couldn't have been further apart in their differences.. They are what kept me going, they are the ones who helped me find my happiness. While neither are really in my life anymore (due to my own stupid mistakes), they are both with me everywhere I go through my heart and soul and memories. I find something that reminds me of them daily.

Regain your pleasures. Do not give up on yourself!

Back to my gratitude list being as I haven't done it in many months.

1) I am grateful for this goofy dog trying to sit on my lap as I write this blog post. LOL

2) I am grateful for the baby iguana that I was able to rescue before he got any worse sick wise.

3) I am grateful for the fact that I am not a big sister and my little sister thinks I'm the greatest thing next to the invention of grilled cheese.

4) I am grateful for the few friends I have and the ones I have had over the past and have been able to reconnect with.

5) I am grateful for the memories I have, good and bad.

When your heart is without a "HOME"; Maine

It has been 6 months since I left my home in Maine.

I am in hell here in NC!

Maine seems so far away, but so near my grasp. I miss the hell out of my adopted state! Granted, I was only there for 5 months, but it felt like a life time to me. A place where I want to hang my hat when I grow up. That's home to me!

I have spent most of 2009 circling from Georgia to Maine and every where in between more then once. A lost nomad looking for her way to find her happiness. I have had no clue where I've been or where I've been headed, but I've finally found some of my happiness. If you had told me years ago that I needed to be out in the open mountain air, I would have laughed at you and told you that you were crazy, but today, I now know that it is exactly where I need to be. Many people over the years have asked me, "if you could live anywhere, where would it be". I have always answered "my grandma's cabin. Nice secluded camp nestled back in the brush amongst the hills in Northern Ontario. But now it would come in a tie between there and my new found love of Maine.

I miss the sound of a cold fog horn blowing in the early morning hours crying out like a momma to her child, waking up to see the mist covering all the sights before me, the seagulls that sat on a roof top across the street from my house all lined up like little soldiers waiting to be fed, I miss seeing all the boats bobbing on the gentle ocean waves in the harbor, or the anticipation that I might catch a glimpse of a bear or moose.  Yes I miss my Maine.

I fell in love with Maine the minute I crossed the bridge into Kittery. From that moment on I was hooked!

Proud of my Son

Normally when Keith calls me he wants something. It is the same if I call him as well. Tonight that wasn't the case. I called him figuring he would be at work and he was, so I left my normally "call me" message. At midnight, like a good boy he promptly returned my call. He sounded so matured, more then he ever has. He spoke to me for the first time in his life like an adult; no bitching, complaining, or wanting anything. He asked how I was doing, as well as my mom, and grandma. I was shocked.

Never before had I heard my son speak to me with the tone that he did of a fine young man. For the very first time he didn't ask for money, didn't ask if I was getting him anything for Christmas, he just wanted to know how I was doing. Again, I was in total shock. Then he asked something I had never heard him ask before, "Mom, how are you doing".

He is 20, I know he has no idea what I am going through right now, but there are times I under estimate him and tonight was one of those nights. My baby boy finally is beinginng to show me he is growing up. He then proceeded to ask me what I was doing for Christmas and what I wanted. That broke my heart!

I had to tell him I had no money to do anything. I couldn't come see him, I couldn't send him any thing, nor could I even afford to mail him out a Christmas card. It's been a 13 months since I have seen my baby. He lives in Ohio and I have lived all up and down the Eastern Seaboard, but I couldn't once find the strength to go West to Ohio to see him. Shame on me!

Needless to say, I've spent the last 20 minutes cutting on myself due to how much I "hate me" at this moment!

My son has always meant the world to me and for the last few years I haven't shown him nor have I shown myself. I haven't negelected him in anyway, except to take his mother away from him and that in it's own right, is wrong of me. Why do I do this to myself and him? He deserves a better mother then me damn it! He is at an age where he needs his mother more then he knows and I'm not even able to offer him the support he needs; to wrap my arms around him when he is hurt, to wipe away a tear when it falls, to put something warm in his tummy when it growls. Why can't I find the strength to be that person he needs!

Right now I have no one to blame but me. I want to be there with him as he is showing me so much potential. He has been just as lost as I am and now he is reaching out to me in ways I never knew he could. I so wanted to wrap my arms around him tonight. He didn't act it or show it, but he needed his momma and she is 500 miles away from her baby. I love you son and I am so sorry to have let you down this Christmas and many others past.

You mean the world to me and I need you just as much as you need me. I'm sorry I have been such a big disappointment in your life and I hope to spend the next 50 years making it up to you.

My wish for you this Christmas is for you to keep growing and moving forward, follow your head and your heart and you will find happiness. Don't let life break you down, instead, break life down. You have many gifts and things to show the world and I know you will! Keep up the great work, your headed in the right direction son! I love you Keith more then you could ever know or come to realize. I'm proud of you!