Dear Mental Illness

A letter to my mental illness....

Have I ever told you how much I hate you? Yet I love you for just as many reasons.

Reasons I hate you:

1) You've taken some of my family from me
2) You've helped me ruin relationships in more than one way.
3) you've helped ruin my life in many ways: example, self-harm, theft, jail, and even by messing up in school.
4) You've helped me ruin the lives of many.
5) You've even helped me hold on to relationships that I shouldn't
6) You've help me forget who I am.

The reasons I love you:

1) You've helped me bring back some of my family
2) You've helped me make over 2000 friends in the last 2 years
3) you've taken my life in a whole new direction (Thank You!)
4) You've helped me see that I am not Hopeless and that I am a good person.
5) Thanks to you I have made some great friends in life and experience some amazing relationships
6) You've helped me see where I belong
7) You've helped me see who I am and who I want to be.
8) Because of you I can make someone's life a better place, as well as mine
9) Because of you I can see clearly where I was and where I need to be.

Needless to say, I am doing great where I am now, even with all of your short comings. That being said, there are still 2 people who I want in my world but they aren't, my son and my father. I need their support, yet don't have it, yet I am grateful for this in my life who are my support systems. If your reading this, you know who you are.

To date, I have started school and am almost on to my Junior year while maintaining a 4.0 (who would have ever thought? LOL), I have certificates to teach 5 different classes, and am currently working on 4 more, and will reach my goal of starting a recovery college at the rate I am going and I owe most of it to you my mental illness. Thank you for helping to push me to accomplish these tasks.

Today I am grateful for:
1) My recovery
2) my friends and the many more I will make.
3) My new life.
4) The ability to overcome my fears.
5) My friends going through recovery and them making it...

Memories and Guilt

Today marks the 7 year anniversary of my wonderful Grampy's passing. I miss him like it was yesterday and have never really mourned him in any capacity. I know that he would be proud of the woman that I am slowly becoming, but at the same time, I know he still holds the mistakes I have made in his mind.

This day is hard as when he passed away, he was angry with me and we never settled the dispute before he left this earth. I feel that is why I stick around taking care of my grandma, to make up for the things I have done in the past. My way of absorbing the guilt that lays heavily on my heart and mind. Will it ever go away? Will I ever be able to forgive myself to let it all subside? Will I always feel that I have to take care of my grandma to feel better about myself?

My grampy was my hero, my mentor, my protector, my teacher, and the man I could turn to unconditionally when I had no one else. In other words, he was the father I never had, but so viciously needed and wanted. Thank you grampy for being that man towards me. I am so sorry for the pain that I caused you and I hope some day I can forgive myself. You are dearly missed and loved!

Grandfather


Since I was a little child,
In all that I have been through;
You have always been my hero,
No one stood as tall as you.


You were the one who took the time,
To teach what I needed to learn;
The lessons in life you shared with me,
You shared with love and concern.


I loved you as a little child,
And now that I am grown;
I share those lessons you taught me;
With children of my own.


Generation to generation,
I'll pass on your legacy;
I'll tell of my loving Grandfather,
And all that you mean to me.


~~ Author Unknown

That was the poem I read at his funeral, it is very special to me and I place it on my vision wall today with pride in my heart as I remember all that my grandfather shared with me, taught me, and the adventures we had for the 31 years I got to share with him.

My grateful list:

1) Even though it saddens me, I am grateful my grampy is no longer in pain.
2) I am grateful for the new challenges that I have put on myself and seem to be over coming.
3) I am very grateful to the people whom I have befriended along the way through my recovery, sure I might drive them nuts with questions and get impatient waiting for answers, but I know they are there for me regardless and will support me in my recovery.
4) I am grateful for being able to take classes that will help me pursue my new career as a Certified Peer Support Specialist.
5) I am grateful for my Revvie loving to ride in the truck, stick his head up high with his ears flopping in the wind, making me laugh.

Where my Depression and Bipolar come from..... Part One

First off, I know my Bipolar isn't where my thought and things in my life come from. However my thoughts, feelings, and the reason I do things come from all that your about to read and my Bipolar feeds off of this......

The first time Ange molested me, I would have been between the age of 4-6 years old. We would spend the night at his house with our friends who might only come in on the weekends, so not only did he molest me, but my brother and cousins as well as his great nieces and nephews. We all let this go on for I'd say another 8 years or so before someone finally reported him.

I don't fucking understand how someone to do that to lord knows how many kids for however many years and no one ever said a word! He fucking played cards or ate dinner with my family almost night, we would go on camping excursions with him and yet not one adult knew. No one even questioned why over time I refused to be alone with him or to even been near him. How can not one fucking person see that?

Yes I'm mad! I'm mad at the fact my Grandparents never caught on. I'm mad at me for letting it continue to go on (but when your 7 how in the hell can you tell anyone something like that). I'm sure as hell mad at Ange for doing it. Hell I might even be mad at the rest of us kids for not opening their mouths. I'm mad because my dad didn't save me. Oh fuck, I could keep going on and on at who I am mad at, but the point is, "I'm mad as hell", still to this day!

When Grampy found out what Ange had done to his Grandchildren, he wanted to kill him. Gramps grabbed his gun and started to head down the lake, only to be stopped by my grammy. When I was 15 or so, after all this came out, I can remember sitting across the table from my Grammy and listening to her tell me that she "was in love with him". Him, being the bastard who molested her grandkids! That right there made me even more furious. To this day I know I hold it against her and probably always will as she has never once apologized for what she allowed to happen to all of us.

We have no idea to know just how many kids Ange ruined by his actions as he has long since passed away. He was out alone on a snowmobile trail and had a heart attack. I could have only wished for a more violent death for him as he ever only got probation and time served for the fucking mess he caused us kids. Many lives have been ruined by this man, just how many I'll never no as none of us talk about it.

Well I will leave here for the time being and continue this journey tomorrow. After writing this I feel some weight has lifted from my shoulders, but at the same time it's still there as the people I want to say these things too, I can't.  So yes some of the weight is still there!