As I go to counseling and talk to my family and friends, the truth of things that have happened to me or that I have done will come out. Some will be graphic, others sad, some might just be angering for others. For all this I am sorry, but it needs to come out so that people can understand where my depression and anger come from. There for I do want to apologize a head of time and please don't be afraid to comment or leave your thoughts on my Blog. Thank You.

Need Immediate Help?

If you are having thoughts of death or suicide, call 1–800–273–8255 (TALK), or if you need immediate assistance, call 911 or go to a hospital emergency room
"Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself" ~~Thomas Jefferson.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Memories and Guilt

Today marks the 7 year anniversary of my wonderful Grampy's passing. I miss him like it was yesterday and have never really mourned him in any capacity. I know that he would be proud of the woman that I am slowly becoming, but at the same time, I know he still holds the mistakes I have made in his mind.

This day is hard as when he passed away, he was angry with me and we never settled the dispute before he left this earth. I feel that is why I stick around taking care of my grandma, to make up for the things I have done in the past. My way of absorbing the guilt that lays heavily on my heart and mind. Will it ever go away? Will I ever be able to forgive myself to let it all subside? Will I always feel that I have to take care of my grandma to feel better about myself?

My grampy was my hero, my mentor, my protector, my teacher, and the man I could turn to unconditionally when I had no one else. In other words, he was the father I never had, but so viciously needed and wanted. Thank you grampy for being that man towards me. I am so sorry for the pain that I caused you and I hope some day I can forgive myself. You are dearly missed and loved!


Since I was a little child,
In all that I have been through;
You have always been my hero,
No one stood as tall as you.

You were the one who took the time,
To teach what I needed to learn;
The lessons in life you shared with me,
You shared with love and concern.

I loved you as a little child,
And now that I am grown;
I share those lessons you taught me;
With children of my own.

Generation to generation,
I'll pass on your legacy;
I'll tell of my loving Grandfather,
And all that you mean to me.

~~ Author Unknown

That was the poem I read at his funeral, it is very special to me and I place it on my vision wall today with pride in my heart as I remember all that my grandfather shared with me, taught me, and the adventures we had for the 31 years I got to share with him.

My grateful list:

1) Even though it saddens me, I am grateful my grampy is no longer in pain.
2) I am grateful for the new challenges that I have put on myself and seem to be over coming.
3) I am very grateful to the people whom I have befriended along the way through my recovery, sure I might drive them nuts with questions and get impatient waiting for answers, but I know they are there for me regardless and will support me in my recovery.
4) I am grateful for being able to take classes that will help me pursue my new career as a Certified Peer Support Specialist.
5) I am grateful for my Revvie loving to ride in the truck, stick his head up high with his ears flopping in the wind, making me laugh.


Stacy said...

Very touching. I'm glad you had someone like him in your life and I'm sorry for the way things were when you died. That must be rough. I'm sure you realize we can sum anyone's life up on there last moments. It's your relationship with him over time that mattered.
Take care.

A Wanderer's Mind said...

Thank you Stacy. He meant a lot to me.