Normally when Keith calls me he wants something. It is the same if I call him as well. Tonight that wasn't the case. I called him figuring he would be at work and he was, so I left my normally "call me" message. At midnight, like a good boy he promptly returned my call. He sounded so matured, more then he ever has. He spoke to me for the first time in his life like an adult; no bitching, complaining, or wanting anything. He asked how I was doing, as well as my mom, and grandma. I was shocked.
Never before had I heard my son speak to me with the tone that he did of a fine young man. For the very first time he didn't ask for money, didn't ask if I was getting him anything for Christmas, he just wanted to know how I was doing. Again, I was in total shock. Then he asked something I had never heard him ask before, "Mom, how are you doing".
He is 20, I know he has no idea what I am going through right now, but there are times I under estimate him and tonight was one of those nights. My baby boy finally is beinginng to show me he is growing up. He then proceeded to ask me what I was doing for Christmas and what I wanted. That broke my heart!
I had to tell him I had no money to do anything. I couldn't come see him, I couldn't send him any thing, nor could I even afford to mail him out a Christmas card. It's been a 13 months since I have seen my baby. He lives in Ohio and I have lived all up and down the Eastern Seaboard, but I couldn't once find the strength to go West to Ohio to see him. Shame on me!
Needless to say, I've spent the last 20 minutes cutting on myself due to how much I "hate me" at this moment!
My son has always meant the world to me and for the last few years I haven't shown him nor have I shown myself. I haven't negelected him in anyway, except to take his mother away from him and that in it's own right, is wrong of me. Why do I do this to myself and him? He deserves a better mother then me damn it! He is at an age where he needs his mother more then he knows and I'm not even able to offer him the support he needs; to wrap my arms around him when he is hurt, to wipe away a tear when it falls, to put something warm in his tummy when it growls. Why can't I find the strength to be that person he needs!
Right now I have no one to blame but me. I want to be there with him as he is showing me so much potential. He has been just as lost as I am and now he is reaching out to me in ways I never knew he could. I so wanted to wrap my arms around him tonight. He didn't act it or show it, but he needed his momma and she is 500 miles away from her baby. I love you son and I am so sorry to have let you down this Christmas and many others past.
You mean the world to me and I need you just as much as you need me. I'm sorry I have been such a big disappointment in your life and I hope to spend the next 50 years making it up to you.
My wish for you this Christmas is for you to keep growing and moving forward, follow your head and your heart and you will find happiness. Don't let life break you down, instead, break life down. You have many gifts and things to show the world and I know you will! Keep up the great work, your headed in the right direction son! I love you Keith more then you could ever know or come to realize. I'm proud of you!
As I wander the earth in search of my peace and happiness, this is where I'll post my rants where it concerns my mental health as I discover things about my Bipolar Disorder, my Borderline Personality Disorder, and other medical issues. Here is where you will read and explore the things I am going through.
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2 comments:
"He deserves a better mother then me damn it!"
I'm sure it probably feels that way. But I would wager that the fact that he's "headed in the right direction" is the result of who you are as a mother. Sometimes we beat ourselves up because we think we just haven't done enough, or all we could have/should have done. Fact is, we did what we were able to do, pure and simple. If we have failed in any way, we have to cast blame at our mental condition, because, face it, that is the culprit. I've got a 15 year old son, and I KNOW he has trouble dealing with my condition. But even at his age he understands that I'm not like other people, "normal people". And dealing with it is something that makes him a stronger, more compassionate human being. I have no doubt that he is and will be a better person because of the situation we find ourselves in. Sure, I could beat myself over the head and say he deserves a better father. Indeed, I have. But you know what? He would vehemently disagree. I wouldn't want to know a person who faulted either of their parents for something that wasn't their fault, for something they never asked for.
So if your son is on the right track, KNOW that you played a very big part in that. A POSITIVE role. Whether it felt like it at the time or whether it feels like it now, I assure you it is so.
I realize I don't know diddly squat about your situation, and I also know that it's easier to hear these things, maybe even grasp them, than it is to get them in your soul. But there you go. Hope I haven't presumed...
It's just hard Jim for me to comprehend that fact. I know I have done what I could when I could, but I'll always feel like I could have done more some where some how.
Thank You!
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