Disclaimer

As I go to counseling and talk to my family and friends, the truth of things that have happened to me or that I have done will come out. Some will be graphic, others sad, some might just be angering for others. For all this I am sorry, but it needs to come out so that people can understand where my depression and anger come from. There for I do want to apologize a head of time and please don't be afraid to comment or leave your thoughts on my Blog. Thank You.

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"Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself" ~~Thomas Jefferson.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Bipolar Makes the World Go Round

Today is one of those days when everything just feels "blah", if you know what I mean. DBT Group sucked as usual, my life sucks as usual, I'm a broke biotch, and I lack in ambition. Ah but then who doesn't. LOL. At least I still have my humor and that is what counts.

Talked my girl "M" today and I flat out told her I was a negative Nellie. LOL. She came back with different names for. I'll just flat out say what it is to me. But yea know, as much as shit sucks right now, I am still smiling and laughing. To me that's what counts. I know I need to be positive for positive things to happen, but truthfully no one can be positive 24/7 and still be sane. LOL

On a positive note, I asked for something outloud from my buddy, and I got it from another person unexpected. That to me was a shock and it got me to thinking about the laws of attraction and if they were really true or not.

Law of Attraction: The Science of Attracting More of What You Want and Less of What You Don't

Its hard to believe that something so simple could happen like that. If the Law of Attraction is true, why do so many people lead such negetive lives. Something for me to ponder on, as if I dont think about enough deep shit. LOL.



Mom and i rented a very bad movie tonight, I had a hard time keeping my mind on it. But as I was sitting there letting it wander off, I decided to try one of the exercises that I learned in Group and that is when your mind wanders off like that, rein it back in to what you are doing at that point. What I found is, while I can rein it back in, my mind seems to be thinking of itself and wanders off again. In the 2 hours it took to watch that movie, I ended up pulling myself back to it about evey 5 minutes. Tough, but I did it. Makes you wonder if someone might actually know what their talking about. LOL. I'm sure over time and with proper training I will be able to get my mind on the right track. Don't get me wrong, I bet on the occasion my mind will do what it wants, regardless of what I want, but that won't matter any more as I will know how to control it.

I haven't had a thought in my head about cutting lately. Sure the urge is always there, but I have to have the desire if I am going to do something like that and self mutilating has not been on my agenda. I realy don't feel like bleeding right now, sure I could use a good self mutilating session, but thats not where I want to be. I want to be free of mutilating, free of the pain I have afterward, free of the mindset, free of the mess I have to clean up later on down the road. I DON'T WANT TO SELF MUTILATE ANY MORE!!!!!!! On the truth side of things, I know it's not gone from my life, but I know I will beat the 3 years I was clean of self mutilating. I have that strength, that power! I control me, not my cutting.

The Attraction Distraction: Why the Law of Attraction Isn't Working for You and How to Get Results - 

My grateful list tonight includes:

1) I am grateful for wonderful friends. I am up to 3 now. LOL. I'm growing in numbers.
2) I'm grateful for the Christmas Miracle that happened today with positive thinking.
3) I'm grateful for the fact I get to go back to school.
4) I'm grateful that things are looking up for me with my DBT Group.
5) I'm gratefrul for the fact tomorrow I get to take Grammy to get her hair done. LOL.

Have to throw the funny ones in there a time or two. LOL. Okay serious thought now: Wonder if Santa will bring me my Christmas wishes, after all I have been semi naughty this year. LOL. Please Santa, I need that gym membership!

To write another day!!!

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