As I go to counseling and talk to my family and friends, the truth of things that have happened to me or that I have done will come out. Some will be graphic, others sad, some might just be angering for others. For all this I am sorry, but it needs to come out so that people can understand where my depression and anger come from. There for I do want to apologize a head of time and please don't be afraid to comment or leave your thoughts on my Blog. Thank You.

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"Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself" ~~Thomas Jefferson.

Monday, May 31, 2010

Rejected Again

I found out today that my brother and his family is coming through NC to go to Florida in a few weeks. SO I called my son and asked him to catch a ride and come visit me. It has been 18 months since I have seen him, even though I try to talk to him weekly by phone. He used the excuse that his work takes 2 months to schedule a vacation, but in the same breath told me that he can't because he is going to Montana with some friends in July. So what's the truth?

Is he punishing me for something different this time that I don't know about? Is he being serious about his job? Does he not want to see me ( if you remember I asked him to go with me to my cousins wedding and he turned me down for that too)?

I started bawling after we hung up. The funny part is that first my mom came in, didn't say anything about me crying. Then my step-dad came in and talked to me for about 10 minutes and didn't say anything about me crying. Then my mom came back in and still didn't say anything. What the hell are the odds of that?

I want to self-destruct! I want to self mutilate! I want to destroy shit! I want to hate myself and blame myself for things I don't even know if I have done or not. I want to hate myself! But I won't. I have to be stronger then that. I have to be better then that. I have to maintain control if I want to get better. I'll let you all know how it went tomorrow. LOL

Sorry but I don't have the strength to want to do my grateful list. Ah the hell with it, thats what forcing is all about right? LOL

1) I'm grateful for CHOOSING not to cut!
2) I'm grateful for not self-destructing.
3) I'm grateful for getting all my homework done.
4) I am grateful for being able to order my training manual today.
5) I am grateful for the dog curled up on the floor next to me.


Bipolar Chick said...

Hang on Girl! You are a strong, empowered woman. There is no way to know what your son is thinking unless you flat out ask him. I know that it hurts but until he's ready to truthfully communicate you can not do anything about it. It's his issue to come to terms with, sadly you get hurt by his actions - somehow I think he does too. When you are not feeling so close to this maybe you could ask him. Maybe you could just show up on his door step. What ever you do, know that I'm here for you - near by in Raleigh! You are not alone! (there must be something in the air cause I had an issue that veered off into evil thoughts last week and so did a friend). Come to the meetup tomorrow (Tues. 6:30 Earth Fare)

Deb/Bipolar Chick

perphila said...

I just want to say that I admire your efforts to connect with you son. Getting turned down hurts but you don't give up even when you feel at your lowest. That is so hard and it shows your inner strength that you continue to put yourself on the line for your child. Don't try to guess what he is thinking and remember children also have to work through their own issues that sometimes only experience can teach them. I will pray for your love to shine through.