As I go to counseling and talk to my family and friends, the truth of things that have happened to me or that I have done will come out. Some will be graphic, others sad, some might just be angering for others. For all this I am sorry, but it needs to come out so that people can understand where my depression and anger come from. There for I do want to apologize a head of time and please don't be afraid to comment or leave your thoughts on my Blog. Thank You.

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"Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself" ~~Thomas Jefferson.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

The child inside

As I have been reading and learning new things about myself, I find that there is a child inside waiting to be let out. It shows in the type of men that I date, the things I like, the tantrums that I throw, and so on. I often sit and wish that things had turned out differently. However if they had would I still be the same strong woman that I am today? I think not and thats where all this fits in.

I want, no need someone to look after me like my father and mother should have, thats why I search for men older then myself to be a role model or father figure if you so wish to call him that. I don't search for a mother figure like I do a father figure though. I think that is only because my mom has been more involved in my life, unlike my father. I so want his approval, but know it will be a cold day in hell before I get it. His negativity kills me when it comes to myself or my family.

I long for the day I can get a real "I love you" out of him, the day when I walk in the door and he wraps me in his arms and tells me "welcome", or simply the day he picks up the phone and asks me how I'm doing without being prompted. I know these days will never come! Some days I wish my father wasn't around. I actually think it's harder to have a father around who ignores you, but yet is in your life somehow, then it would be to have a father passed away or out into this giant void we call life.

There is this lonely little girl inside of me looking and reaching out for acceptence. This fucking kills me because I am an adult in so many ways, but then I realize there is more to me fighting for me. My little girl just wants nurtured, loved, guidance, and acceptence. The adult already has that in many ways that the child doesn't have.

I don't live in the past like my mind might do. But how do I get that little girl out of my mind? I know we all have some part of child in our heads or lives, but for her to hang around the way she does, isn't right. She needs to be released out into the void and I can only do that, over time she will be released.

"L", I had another one of those moments you have been hoping for as I go through this road to recovery. I feel like a world has been lifted off my shoulders and my body is all tingely.


perphila said...

A lot of what you said about your dad reminded me of my kids.

I don't want them to grow up feeling that void in their life. Having four kids of such different ages it is interesting to see how each is trying to come to terms with either their dad's total absence, half hearted attempts of fatherhood and negative put downs.

In therapy they are trying to learn acceptance. To be able to take what ever their dad offers if anything and to hold no expectations of what he used to be or what they feel a father should be. They are also learning to set up boundaries. What they are willing to deal with and what they won't from him.

It is a process and they are young so time will tell. I think they are all really good understanding their dad has bipolar and other issues and know that at least a good portion of his behavior toward them is related to this. That is why having the limits are so important for their own mental well being.

The older kids had a dad for a long time that was for the most part the way a dad "should" be. Now they are dealing with the loss of that and there have been many times when they have voiced (and I have thought) it would be better if he had died so they could be left with the good memories than the verbally, mentally abusive guy they have for a dad now. My little daughter has no experience of dealing with a good/bad dad. I don't know if this will be a good thing or not. To always have a dad in your life who sends you mixed signals and dumps you any and every chance he gets. At least the boys had some foundation that he did seem to love them in the past. She doesn't really have that. I don't want her to grow up with that longing for a dad that could manifest itself badly. A mom can only do so much.

A Wanderer's Mind said...

Thank you for sharing that. I wish you the best with your family and what their therapist is trying to do for them.

Ive been following your blog, thank you for sharing it all. You seem to be doing a wonderful job of holding them all together.