As I go to counseling and talk to my family and friends, the truth of things that have happened to me or that I have done will come out. Some will be graphic, others sad, some might just be angering for others. For all this I am sorry, but it needs to come out so that people can understand where my depression and anger come from. There for I do want to apologize a head of time and please don't be afraid to comment or leave your thoughts on my Blog. Thank You.

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"Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself" ~~Thomas Jefferson.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Past Pleasures Reborn

It would seem that I had lost my love for many things, simple things you might say. But with each passing day I find that I am hunting them down again, unknown to myself and my thinking.

For instance;

When I lived in Georgia I had this beautiful window over the kitchen sink that I loved to spend time each morning looking out over the Pecan grove and a hundred year old oak tree. The squirrels would jump and play from branch to branch, birds would hunt for food in the fresh cut grass and the wildflowers that grew,  little wild lizards basking in the sun, and the cats would play hell trying to catch my frolicking morning creatures. I could and did stand there for hours with my morning cup of tea just taking it all in. I had forgotten that pleasure until this morning. While I didn't have my cup of tea, I was able to sit on my patio furniture watching the squirrels jump from pine tree to pine tree. I also noticed my favorite 2 cardinals chasing each other through the trees. Boy what a pleasure that was!

I found love with a swing in my yard. I would sit there for hours watching my puppy play, the kittens in the yard trying to catch his tail. I would watch butterflies delicately kiss the flowers as they flew above them. Then nightfall would come and I would lay in my swing, looking up at the stars, and create my own name for them (a few times I may have even slept out there all night long LOL). Now I watch the butterflies in my moms yard and I sit on the front porch looking at at the moon each night just wondering.

Last summer when I lived in Maine each night after I closed the Restaurant I would sit out on the picnic table staring out over the ocean watching the seagulls and hoping for the chance to catch a fish jumping out of the water as the boats in the harbor rocked against the sparkling blue waters. Now I find the simple pleasure as I drive to work everyday of Herons fishing in ponds.

In Georgia I had these little lizards that would drive the cats crazy. LOL. Me as well since I loved to play with them. I could be standing there doing dishes and they would run out from behind the cupboards chasing after a fly. Now I am rescuing Iguanas again. Course my step-dad isn't happy, but I am and that is all that matters. LOL

The point to all of this is that when we are at our worst and need to find our happy spots again, look to the past and see what made you happy. Then find a way to make a new happiness for yourself. As I was writing this, I noticed most of my happiness came when I was in Georgia and I think I now know why. I had 2 amazing friends when I lived there and they couldn't have been further apart in their differences.. They are what kept me going, they are the ones who helped me find my happiness. While neither are really in my life anymore (due to my own stupid mistakes), they are both with me everywhere I go through my heart and soul and memories. I find something that reminds me of them daily.

Regain your pleasures. Do not give up on yourself!

Back to my gratitude list being as I haven't done it in many months.

1) I am grateful for this goofy dog trying to sit on my lap as I write this blog post. LOL

2) I am grateful for the baby iguana that I was able to rescue before he got any worse sick wise.

3) I am grateful for the fact that I am not a big sister and my little sister thinks I'm the greatest thing next to the invention of grilled cheese.

4) I am grateful for the few friends I have and the ones I have had over the past and have been able to reconnect with.

5) I am grateful for the memories I have, good and bad.

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