As I go to counseling and talk to my family and friends, the truth of things that have happened to me or that I have done will come out. Some will be graphic, others sad, some might just be angering for others. For all this I am sorry, but it needs to come out so that people can understand where my depression and anger come from. There for I do want to apologize a head of time and please don't be afraid to comment or leave your thoughts on my Blog. Thank You.

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"Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself" ~~Thomas Jefferson.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Bullies and Bullying

Growing up I was always the "outcast" kid in school or the neighborhood. I was overweight and I was being abused at home and my other safe zones so I had issues with wanting to fit in. For me fitting in meant doing stupid shit to get people to laugh or accept me, it meant trying things I normally wouldn't have done, and it meant bullying other kids like me to get people to accept me. I was fighting for attention more matter what it took to get it.

By being bullied at home; sexually, mentally, and psychically, it made me reach out to people in the worst ways. I HAD to be accepted! I HAD this need to feel liked or loved no matter what it took to happen.  I just had a need that I wanted filled, so I bullied. Bullying others for me was something that came naturally, I was simply put, BIGGER then almost all the other kids I went to school with.

Men have always scared the hell out of me, so I LET them bully me! But then you have the ones who let me bully them, (and I do). Normally when I start bullying them it means they are on my nerves and I want away from them at all costs.

I mostly bullied people for the attention it got me, good or bad. I didn't think nothing of having Bipolar or Borderline Personality Disorder, no mental illness ever crossed my mind when I would be doing this. However, to all the people I have ever bullied; I am truly truly sorry for doing it. It was wrong of me and yes it took me this long to realize that and to see I had other issues that needed dealt with.

But the person I bully the most, is ME. I am always bullying myself to be a better person, when I see my faults, when my negativity hits the surface, and even when it comes to being in a relationship. So I guess I am still a big bully, just from a different angle now. How does one get over this act towards themselves? I am working on that answer. LOL

My 5 grateful things for today are:

1) I am grateful that my grammy's dog harry will be ok.
2) I am grateful for the sun shining and the flowers blooming.
3) I am grateful that I have yet to break down since leaving DBT. Guess that makes me strong after all!
4) I am grateful for getting to help the homeless tomorrow.
5) I am grateful for my vision wall to help me through my tough times.

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