As I go to counseling and talk to my family and friends, the truth of things that have happened to me or that I have done will come out. Some will be graphic, others sad, some might just be angering for others. For all this I am sorry, but it needs to come out so that people can understand where my depression and anger come from. There for I do want to apologize a head of time and please don't be afraid to comment or leave your thoughts on my Blog. Thank You.

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"Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself" ~~Thomas Jefferson.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Wishes and Dreams

We all spend time wishing, dreaming, and setting goals. But how many of us put ourselves out there to accomplish any of them? I know for a fact I am one who will set them, start them, but never follow through with them. Sometimes I ask myself why do I do this; it's not because I'm lazy, it's not because I'm not a focused person, it's not because I choose not to. I comes down to the simple fact that I don't have faith in myself. I don't have the faith to move forward as I want these. I don't have the faith to become the person I so choose to be.

I focus mainly on the "what if's" , the "how's" , and the "why's". I argue with myself about if something will work or not. With my Bipolar it is hard for me to stay focused on one thing only. My Bipolar also doesn't allow me to push forward unless I'm in my manic state, then I push forward the wrong way and do bad things most of the time. I hate it! I hate that I can't find a way to control the urges that I have to not do something.

In my DBT group we are supposed to think in the "NOW" and learn to think things through before we do them. I have yet to find that path. I have yet to find the strength to move forward with it as my brain is set in a fog all the time. But I will. I will find the strength to move forward. I will find the desire to clear the fog in my head. I will find the desire to get the dreams, goals, and wishings accomplished. I have to.

I'm at a point where if I don't something, I will crack! I will self mutilate till I can't stop and this time I know I won't be able to stop. So far, I have fought it and will keep fighting it till there is no fight left or I defeat the urges. I have to!

My 5 things that I am greateful for today are:

1) The will to write in this blog and let others read it.
2) The strength to get through another day.
3) The strength to not self mutilate.
4) My friends and family. Those close by as well as those far away or strictkly online.
5) The dog down the street for making me laugh this morning.

Pretty good don't you think? LOL. I wish all my lists could be that easy to come through.

I live with my mom but have no job yet. There for the only cash flow I have coming in is when I find the odd job as my wreaths are no longer selling and my ebay account has been shut down due to lack of funds for me to pay their fees. There for I pine for the simple things such as Laundry Deteregent, Tampons, Toothpaste, Deodarant, and so on. I don't dare ask my family for things like this due to the fear I will lose the roof over my head because they can't afford them for themselves. Thankfully I get foodstamps to help keep the hunger off of my stomach.

Till another day......

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