Depression

Today is a depressed day. I can't fight it off for the life of me. I'm broke, basically homeless, no job, morbidly obese, everything I try turns to shit and doesn't make me a cent, and tomorrow I have group counseling which I hate to no end. It always seems like I am in a negative mood no matter how much I try to stay out of it.


A dear dear friend tried to give me words of encouragement to say to myself often and I have tried them, they just don't seem to push through to the surface. There isn't a bright spot in my day and it all plays down to many things. I want to self mutilate, but at this point have stopped myself from doing just that. I have no idea why I have stopped myself, but I have and for the time being that is a good sign for me. My life has become harder then I need it to be and I am the one who has made it this way for myself. I see people smiling, laughing, and carrying on in wonderful moods and all I want to do is smack the shit out of them, however, I resist. 


What the fuck is wrong with me? Is it my Bipolar Disorder acting up? Are these my true feelings and emotions? Could it be the Borderline Personality Disorder kicking itself into high gear? I'm dieing here and I can't find a middle ground. Way to many thoughts running through my head, thoughts that shouldn't be there but are and won't go away.


I'm tired of all this shit and want so much better for myself. My mom walked out the door this morning saying, "trust in the Lord and he will provide". How can I trust in someone who has shown me nothing but ugly things in my life? Trust me when I say there is quite a bit I had no control over!


I'm lost and I hate it!