As I go to counseling and talk to my family and friends, the truth of things that have happened to me or that I have done will come out. Some will be graphic, others sad, some might just be angering for others. For all this I am sorry, but it needs to come out so that people can understand where my depression and anger come from. There for I do want to apologize a head of time and please don't be afraid to comment or leave your thoughts on my Blog. Thank You.

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"Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself" ~~Thomas Jefferson.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Dear Daddy

Dear Daddy....

I am writing this to you so you can finally see how I feel about you, myself, and us as a family. It's time you see that I'm not the bad person you think I am, but a lost soul who only ever wanted to be accepted as part of your life. I'm writing this because we have become nothing! There is only an "US" when I am in the hospital or sick. Where has "US" been any other part of the rest of my life? I called you today for the millionth time, only to have reached that ever unloving answering machine, as usual I get no call back. I have to always find out how you and my step mom are doing by calling my son. Now don't get me wrong here Daddy, I know you have to work for a living and because I live out of state I don't know your "at home hours" nor your "at work hours", but I do know when your not there during the day Candy is, so how come she can't answer the phone? Don't you realize, you could call me just to tell me you love me at 2am and I would still answer the phone because it's my Daddy.

DO you not realized that I have wanted my Daddy's love, acceptance, nurturing, forgiveness, and many more emotions that will take to long to express, all my life? I have longed for the gentle touch of your hand on my shoulder, or a hug when I'm sad, or a "go get them Lori" when I played sports. Fuck dad, you were so busy with everything else the summer you volunteered to be an assistant coach for my softball team, you only showed up to one or two games before you dropped off, but I remember that summer well you see, you had plenty of time to COACH the boys team in Hebron. Don't worry dad, this won't be all bitching and complaining on you, after all, I could have been a better daughter then what I was. However one has to wonder if I hadn't had better role models as a child if I wouldn't have turned out the way I am today.

Like it or not dad, I have Bipolar I and Borderline Personality Disorder. I live with these 2 hells daily! I can't change the way I am, I can only try to find a way to make by life better while living with both disorders. I can't make Bipolar go away, but I can Borderline Personality Disorder. So I go to some intense group meetings to learn how to rid myself of BPD. Funny thing is dad, is that BPD comes from the way you were raised and how you learned to adapt to life's situations. Ironic isn't it? You blame me for so much wrong doing in my life (sure I did the actions and took the punishment for them), but in reality I can blame you for some of those things and situations, since you weren't realy ever around for me as a child.

To be continued....

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