As I go to counseling and talk to my family and friends, the truth of things that have happened to me or that I have done will come out. Some will be graphic, others sad, some might just be angering for others. For all this I am sorry, but it needs to come out so that people can understand where my depression and anger come from. There for I do want to apologize a head of time and please don't be afraid to comment or leave your thoughts on my Blog. Thank You.

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"Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself" ~~Thomas Jefferson.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Very Mixed Bipolar Signals

Today has just been a crazy day for me. I thought I was having a manic episode, maybe I am, but my mood is just all over the place today. One minute I think I'm fine, the next minute I'm all over the map wondering which way I'm coming and going. So yes I am having a mixed episode, but one like I have never had before. Normally for me a mixed episode is Manic, then Depressed. Not manic, then semi normal. This season has been weird for me and my Bipolar. I'm rapid cycling, which I have never done before. But as usual the Psych Doctor told me that since I have gone untreated for so long, the Bipolar takes advantage of that and in it's self gets worse over time. How dare it do that to me! As if I didn't have enough issues with Bipolar, now I learn it can and will advance if not treated properly. I'm appalled! LOL

So all in all I've been having a great day. Got completely registered for school, can't wait to start either. It will be a HUGE challenge for me since my brain is in this major fog that drives me completely insane. I so love that word; INSANE. LOL. Yep thats me and I'm not afraid to admit it. Actually I'm probably one of the few who doesn't mind admiting it just for the simple fact that being Bipolar doesn't bother me, it doesn't bother me for anyone to know either. If they know and they judge me for it, then they are not my friend and I will disown them if they are family! So I am proud that I am that sure of myself.

The second thing that happened today is finally after 3 weeks, I have an idividual counseling appointment! To top it off, its with my DBT group leader. I'm kind of unsure if thats a good thing or a bad thing for me. LOL. We will see tomorrow how it comes out. Don't get me wrong, I like her and all, but in DBT group she wants us to focus on the here and now. I however need to get the past shit out of my head, so I can get to the here and now.

I have anger issues that need resolved with the past regardless of what my DBT group says, otherwise I will not be able to move forward with myself. I live pretty much in the past as I have issues with most men; I either fear them or think I'm Dominant over them. Two entirely different worlds, when I need to find a middle ground.

On to my 5 things I am grateful for...

1) I am grateful for being happy today.
2) I am grateful being able to cook tonight.
3) I am grateful I got my grammy out to play cards and go for a walk around the ward..
4) I am grateful for my gratitude rock.
5) I am grateful for the lost friends and family I have been reuniting myself with.

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