As I go to counseling and talk to my family and friends, the truth of things that have happened to me or that I have done will come out. Some will be graphic, others sad, some might just be angering for others. For all this I am sorry, but it needs to come out so that people can understand where my depression and anger come from. There for I do want to apologize a head of time and please don't be afraid to comment or leave your thoughts on my Blog. Thank You.

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If you are having thoughts of death or suicide, call 1–800–273–8255 (TALK), or if you need immediate assistance, call 911 or go to a hospital emergency room
"Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself" ~~Thomas Jefferson.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire....

**Note** This is one of those "may hurt family or friends" blog

Tonight I have done a lot of soul searching; searching for answers I know I won't be able to completely explain. So here goes a start since I did say I wanted to come clean about everything.

72 Hour Hold Great book for caregivers and those suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder.

I am a LIAR. I have lied to get jobs, lied to keep jobs, lied to get a man, lied to keep that man, lied to cover up lies, lied to move forward in life, lied to make money, lied to spend money, lied to my family to look good in their eyes, lied to my family to look bad in their eyes, I lie to get people to feel sorry for me. Fuck! I even lie to myself You name it, hell I have probably lied about it. .

Things start going great in my life, I didn't have to lie to get to that point, then for whatever known reason I start self destructing; cheating, spending money like crazy. For whatever reason when things start going great and couldn't be any better, down the hill I start to go. I go into the cocoon I have so perfected. Oh trust me, I've been called on many of the lies I've told and guess what, yep I lied my way out of them. There is no fucking reason for any of this!

Why do I have to be so hard on myself that I have to destroy everything in my path? Friends tell me how great I am to them and everyone else. How in the hell am I good if I can lie to them? What matters more; the fact I've lied to many or the fact I can lie to myself? I mean come on!

If you haven't figured it out, I am fucking mad as hell right now. Let me tell you why; as I'm sitting here writing this, I can feel a weight lifting off my body. It feels like a drug is running through me with all this coming out into the open. I'm not proud of myself for opening up nor for what I have done, but I do feel elated. I don't expect my friends and family to forgive me just because I got this out in the open, thats not what I'm trying to do here. By doing this, I am trying to move forward with my own healing. I am helping the Doctor and the Therapist along by doing a lot of my own healing.

At different times, I have confessed  to a few people but then I had no choice as I got busted doing bad things and couldn't cover them up. You know who you are and no I have nothing new to tell you. LOL. Those who don't know me and are getting to know me, you have nothing to worry about, as of last May I have been on a path of truths. Meaning I refuse to allow lieing to get the best of me, so I start each relationship on good terms.

My grateful things:

1) Catching my first snowflake of the year on my tongue today.
2) Very grateful for the heat in my truck when it dropped under 30 degrees tonight.
3) Thankful for the ability to go to group day.
4) Grateful for the ability to open up like I have tonight.
5) Grateful to my school for trying to help me make sure I have everything done before the first day of class.


Anonymous said...

glad to see this post! It is what I hoped you would get the feeling of elation as you walk the road of discovery. See discovery is not all painful

A Wanderer's Mind said...

I'm learning and trying. LOL. Silly me, your comment made me tear up damn it.