As I go to counseling and talk to my family and friends, the truth of things that have happened to me or that I have done will come out. Some will be graphic, others sad, some might just be angering for others. For all this I am sorry, but it needs to come out so that people can understand where my depression and anger come from. There for I do want to apologize a head of time and please don't be afraid to comment or leave your thoughts on my Blog. Thank You.

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"Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself" ~~Thomas Jefferson.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Where my Depression and Bipolar come from... Part two

Shortly after the time Ange started molesting me, my parents decided to call it quits and get a divorce. A very nasty divorce I might add. I can remember waking up one night to slamming doors and screaming. My brother a sleep on the bunk below me had just been woken up by it and looked to me for comfort. Trying to be the big sister that I am I can remember going to the door to look out, hearing one of my parents bitching because they blamed the other one for waking us kids up. Both then proceeded to open and close our bedroom door against the other, causing even more panic in two frightened children. Needless to say my brother and I huddled on his bunk as our parents screamed and fought with one another for countless hours before my mom finally left.

This is probably the actual start of my down fall. Mom drank heavily and smoked pot, dad was never home and us kids always seemed to be at our babysitters house. We had stayed with dad because mom had no place for us, let alone herself. This was also about the time we started being shuffled around between not only our parents but my grandparents and Aunt during the summer and holidays.

My dad was and still is a work-aholic. So he wasn't around except to coach my brother at sports. For me, my brother could do no wrong, while everything I did was wrong. My dad is a man's man and nothing changes that one bit. Course then we learned of his current girlfriend and I think that added some resentment to me considering I still wanted my mom.

My mom got heavely into drinking and hoping from place to place. It was at one of her places that we met her current boyfriend. "T" would play nice when other adults where around, but once they were gone we would be all done for.

We had this huge cabinet in our room that we had laid down on the floor to use as a toy box. He would put us in there for hours in the dark and only take us out right before our mom got home. Mom worked for a remodeling company so she had to do evening and weekend appointments, leaving us with "T". I can remember being sick one night mom had to work and being at her house, so she had to leave us with "T". After beating our asses severely for lord knows what, he placed us in the box, told us not to move or make a noise, turned off the lights and shut the door. I was vomiting, coughing terribly, and running a fever, but I was in the box still. He would get that way with us on and off over the time him and mom dated.

This is how my childhood went for years. My brother and I going back and forth between parents on the weekends, basically living with the babysitter till dad would get off work, then start all over again. Not to bad right? Wrong!

I can't do this today so I will pick up on it more tomorrow. Till then....Peaceful dreams....

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