As I go to counseling and talk to my family and friends, the truth of things that have happened to me or that I have done will come out. Some will be graphic, others sad, some might just be angering for others. For all this I am sorry, but it needs to come out so that people can understand where my depression and anger come from. There for I do want to apologize a head of time and please don't be afraid to comment or leave your thoughts on my Blog. Thank You.

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"Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself" ~~Thomas Jefferson.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Yes Virginia, there is a Santa.

I didn't think I was going to have a Christmas, matter of fact, I could have cared less if we even had one. Normally I put up all my Christmas decorations the day after Thanksgiving, this year I didn't. Hell, I don't even have my Christmas decorations here. LOL. Most are at my ex-husband's house and the rest are in Georgia where I know they are in good hands, so I couldn't have put them up even if I wanted to.

Well I was sitting around today and was thinking about Christmas and how I couldn't buy or even make people anything, I couldn't send my son anything and was getting severely depressed. The more I thought about it the madder and depressed I got.

Then I remembered what Christmas is really all about. So I pulled mom off the computer, told her what I wanted to do and we started going through the house finding all her Christmas decorations. Since my mom isn't a decorating person, this was a hard task. LOL. Then I had an even bigger idea: we couldn't afford a tree this year due to her financial problems and me not having money period, so I went out in her from yard and cut down one of her fir trees (she lives in the city so you can imagine what her neighbors thought, but we didn't care) with a circular saw my step dad probably has never used. LOL. We took two boards, criss-crossed them, then nailed them into the bottom of the tree, viola, our own Charlie Brown tree was up, just needed decorations. So again I went off hunting for them, finally found some in one closet and the rest under her clothes in her bedroom closet.

But Christmas isn't about trees, decorations, cooking mass meals, and giving gifts. It's about miracles, giving, and celebration. I had forgotten that. I am used to being the one that made sure everyone was taken care of, but Lori. Hell until last Christmas I hadn't even seen a gift for myself in over 10 years, so it's not about "what about me", to me it was, "what can I do for everyone else". Then my thinking started to change, in big ways. I've started looking for the positive in things, to see that things do happen for a reason.

Miracles, do happen, yes even to me. For this is so amazing to me.

Not only did I get into the Christmas spirit, the heat on my truck got fixed and for pennies, I am finally getting the help I need for my Bipolar Disorder, my grandma is getting better by the day, I haven't cut in 8 days, my son is actually being a son, all my friends are in good health and happy, and I am on the right path to recover.

These are the greatest gifts I could ask for this Holiday Season. Thank You Santa!

1) I am grateful that things have their own way of working out for the best.
2) I am grateful for the Christmas Tree we got today and all the decorations we put up.
3) I am grateful for my totally awesome friends! All 2 of you know who you are. LOL
4) I am grateful to the cat who hide under my truck because he is afraid of the bully indoor cat, he makes me   smile.
5) I am grateful for the fact that I am starting a path of recovery I could have only imagined.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and I hope you find your own Christmas Miracle. I wish you and all your family a super terrific Holiday Season and an even more spectacular 2010. 

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