My Crazy World

I find myself sitting here, day to day with nothing to write but yet so much to say. I am on a path of self discovery and it seems to be leading no where fast. Telling myself daily that I am "okay" doesn't seem to work anymore! I still seem to have the day dreams of getting out of the vehicle while it's still moving or falling and breaking my neck. Are these signs or are they premanicians? I don't know but I do know if I keep having them I am going to go nuts, after all we aren't supposed to be day dreaming about killing ourselves. Are we? They are so real and I can almost feel the pain of these dreams, more so then I felt the pain of self mutilating. I even feel the pain of others around me after these things have happened. I sure as hell wish I knew what they meant.

School is going well, even if I can't enjoy the awesome grades I have gotten so far. Sharanda says that because I spent my teenage years fucking off in school and getting bad grades, that that is why I can't enjoy the great grades I am getting now. Why do I have these damn mental blocks that will not let me move forward! With school, I know why. Growing up I always did poorly to get by. The early years, someone was there to tell me I had done bad, but as I moved on through the grades no one seemed to care anymore and I felt like they had just given up on me so I did what ever I could to get attention from the one person I wanted it from the most: my dad. Sure he would say a few words here and there, but never go into to much detail with me on why or what I could do to change it or even that I was doing a great job. Hell I don't even remember him being at my graduation.

I'm having issues with food right now. I find myself eating little meals on the rare occasion, but then gorging the rest of the day. No matter how full I am or feel I am, I'm still shoveling food in. It's like I have given up on myself all over again. I have made call after call to the local fitness centers, they all want more then I can afford in order to join them. If I do this at home (i.e.: walking and other exercises), then I don't have the motivation I would if I was in a gym. My size is beginning to scare me. I have no energy, no motivation. I live in a house where everyone is plus sized and they have no motivation to help me let alone help themselves. This past summer I began to have heart issues, I can feel my body doing the same things it did before I had my heart failure. Yes I am scared!

On a happy note, grandma is my salvation right now. Between taking care of her and school I had enough money to make my truck payment and to get my laptop back, so I am safe for another month. LOL.

I got a phone call yesterday. My son has lost his license and still continues to drive. His truck has been impounded and his tags revoked. He called me asking me for the money to help him. He knows I have little to no income, but yet went off the deep end and started screaming and cussing when I told him I couldn't help him. Oh my bundle of joy, where have you gone!. It has now been 15 months since I last saw him and it hurts very badly. I find myself needing him more and more as each year passes, but yet I find myself being drawn far away from him to. This is something I am going to have to figure out thats for sure!

Is it the Bipolar or the Borderline Personality Disorder that does this to me. Hell I know I am to blame, but what stops me, pushes me, and blocks me?

I'll start writing again, I promise!