As I go to counseling and talk to my family and friends, the truth of things that have happened to me or that I have done will come out. Some will be graphic, others sad, some might just be angering for others. For all this I am sorry, but it needs to come out so that people can understand where my depression and anger come from. There for I do want to apologize a head of time and please don't be afraid to comment or leave your thoughts on my Blog. Thank You.

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"Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself" ~~Thomas Jefferson.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Vision Wall, Words of Encouragement, and Positivity!

I find it amazing how I went from 1 panel to 8 panels in just a few short weeks on my wall. I sit here looking at it, seeing all the things I have accomplished in the last 6 months, words of encouragement to myself, pictures of what I want my life to look like and be like, and all the things I want to accomplish yet. At this point, I am VERY PROUD of myself! Sure I still have the negativity trying to fight it's way back through and yes there are still things in my life that need fixed and that will be fixed, but I will get there one fight at a time.

Recovery for me has been a huge battle to this point. I'm fighting demons that refuse to go away. I'm fighting my mind who refuses to see the beauty in everything that I do. But, I will over-come all the negativity that I put on myself, as long as I start putting myself first!

I heard something this past weekend that I NEVER thought I would ever hear; my dad told me he was PROUD OF ME when I told him I have an "A" average in school!! I've waited 38 years to hear those words come out of his mouth. But I am confused about it. I want to accept it, but at the same time I hate that he said it. Does this make sense to anyone? The only thing I see in hating it, is that means to me he is finally seeing some good in me instead of the bad and I am confused by his reaction. At the same time, it made me cry to hear him finally recognize me and an accomplishment of mine. But now, after hearing him say it, it makes me wonder how long it will be before I hear those words again come out of his mouth. Will it be next quarter when I call to tell him the same thing or will it not be until I graduate. I guess instead of fretting on it, I should just accept it and wait to hear those words come out of his mouth again sometime in the future.

I have a lot on my plate right now. Trying to become a Peer Support Volunteer at Urban Ministries, still going to my WRAP classes, getting a team together for NAMI Walks to help raise monies for our local chapter, writing my essay for a scholarship to go to Peer Support Specialist Training, taking care of my grandma, getting ready to start at Vocational Rehabilitation, and waiting for school to start on April 12th.  I suppose I should feel overwhelmed at all this, but I don't. I'm enjoying a full life even if I do have to force myself out of bed each morning and to keep on moving.

The DEMONS of yesterday WILL be defeated!

The things I am grateful for today are....

1) The flowers I planted yesterday still being alive and looking great!
2) The sun shining bright over NC
3) Rev finally noticing someone by the back window (lol, it was the Orkin Man)
4) Getting part of my team together for NAMI WALKS
5) Being able to laugh and smile.

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