As I go to counseling and talk to my family and friends, the truth of things that have happened to me or that I have done will come out. Some will be graphic, others sad, some might just be angering for others. For all this I am sorry, but it needs to come out so that people can understand where my depression and anger come from. There for I do want to apologize a head of time and please don't be afraid to comment or leave your thoughts on my Blog. Thank You.

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"Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself" ~~Thomas Jefferson.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Happiness, Heartache, and Lessons Learned....

Two weeks ago I turned 39 and thought the world was going to end. I panicked, I flipped out, and I thought I was going to be 40 instead of 39. LOL. My mom stated I was having an old age moment for her being as it also means 18 days after my birthday, she turns a year older. So I got myself calmed down, realized it wasn't as big a deal as I was making it, and actually began to look forward to the day. What tickled me the most that day was to receive a birthday card from my dear friend in Canada, Melissa. That made me cry and smile, by the simple fact that we haven't even spoken of when our birthdays are.

Well that weekend I decided to treat myself to a trip to Ohio to see my son finally after 2 years. (I miss him terribly.) My mom called it a birthday present to me, thanks mom! We had a wonderful trip just her and I yet what made it even better was the fact that my son never left my side and gave me the biggest hug that ever came from him.

We got there Friday about 4 pm and sat around talking until it was time to leave for the football game, so I spent the 2 hours taking pictures of the boys (my nephews and my son). Needless to say I kept hearing, "I better not see those on facebook." LOL. Opps, their already up. LOL.

Lesson #1 Learned: People can change. Keith never once asked me for money like he always does.

At the football game Dad showed up. I knew he would be there, but I thought he would come looking for me as we haven't seen one another in 3 years. I send him a weekly letter or phone call and normally get NO response from him. For years that hurt and I guess you could say it still does hurt. But there comes a time in your life where you have to accept it isn't going to make a difference in the other persons life or just walk away. Anyway I went looking for him after Keith told me "grandpa is here mom". The only thing my dad had to say is "Hi Lori". He didn't even get down off the bleachers, so I wrapped my arm around his waist and tried hugging him. His response was a tap on my back. I asked him if him and my step-mom would like to go out for breakfast the next morning and he refused to answer me. I finally couldn't take it anymore and walked away trying to hide the tears after I told him good-bye and that I love him. I later found out that he has been throwing away the letters that I write to him.

Lesson #2 Learned: Sometimes no matter how much you try to make up with people, nothing works.

After the football game, I agreed to be the DD as my brother, son, and a few friends wanted to go to a old hangout of mine and listen to a band and have a few drinks. I had wonderful time as I so love music and new upcoming bands. Then the problems started. I have had a few drinks here and there over the past 15 years, but that night, I NEEDED to drink bad! I craved alcohol in ways I never have before. I wanted to get drunk! My son sat down his drink and I started to pick it up (just for a taste mind you), he turned just in time, pulled it from my hand and stated "no mom, you don't really want that." I am so proud of you Keith! Thank you baby for stopping me. After that my brother, his wife, and Keith stayed near me, helping me defeat my urges. The band even gave me a shout out and told me to keep up the great job that I am doing and the progress that I am making, (the band is friends of the family. LOL) Thank You All for being such an awesome family!!!!

Lesson #3 Learned: Help can come from the strangest places, even when you don't realize you need it.

Lesson #4 Learned: As a parent, I can't go to bars with my son. LOL. He says I ruin his reputation and he doesn't like seeing his mother get hit on. LOL. As if he even has a reputation yet.

After we left the bar everyone was hungry so we went out to one of my favorite places to eat when I'm in Ohio and we all laughed like crazy. One of my family's friends came in, saw us carrying on and told the hostess to set him and his wife as far away from us as they could. We loved it!

Saturday morning we got the call that my Aunt had died. She was 66, my dad's oldest sister, and had been suffering for a while so it was just a matter of time.

I love and miss you Aunt Libby, but know your in a better place now!

Anyway, my dad called my brother and didn't call to let me know. That hurt. What also hurt was the fact that he didn't ask me if I wanted to go down home with him, being as he knew I wouldn't be able to stay for the funeral. I was crushed needless to say.

Lesson #5 Learned: Family is very important. Stay in touch with them, no matter how little you hear from them. Facebook has helped me reunite with over 50 family members.

Sunday we left, I didn't want to, but mom and I both had to go back to work on Monday. I cried driving away and missed my son the moment I left the driveway. Keith hugged me and wouldn't let go and that felt so fucking awesome coming from him.

Lesson #6 Learned: You can go home again. Never let anyone tell you differently!

Things I am grateful for today:

1) Getting to see my son, spending time with him, and hearing him say "I miss you mom."
2) For not taking that drink and for my family helping me.
3) Hearing my sister-in-law tell me how proud of me she is for the effort I am making.
4) For having the courage to say hello to my father even though I knew nothing would come from it.
5) For realizing I'm a decent person.

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