As I go to counseling and talk to my family and friends, the truth of things that have happened to me or that I have done will come out. Some will be graphic, others sad, some might just be angering for others. For all this I am sorry, but it needs to come out so that people can understand where my depression and anger come from. There for I do want to apologize a head of time and please don't be afraid to comment or leave your thoughts on my Blog. Thank You.

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"Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself" ~~Thomas Jefferson.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

A New Day, A New Way

One of my biggest pet-peeves with people has ALWAYS been them pushing their religious beliefs onto me. I call it pet-peeve because I never knew what I truly believed in. It was always my thought that if there truly is a God, then why is the world in such Hell. Plus I never understood what I wanted to believe in, everyone always came across as so pushy.  One thing I did know is that Recovery is truly affected by a Higher Power and it is up to the individual person as to what they believe in, so I took matters into my own hands.

I have always wanted to truly believe in a Higher Power, I just didn't know what mine was or how I would even go about finding it. I knew that I did not believe in the traditional Higher Powers though. Wanting to know more, I decided to take an Ordained Minister course, so unknown to everyone, I just did that. I researched and learned about many different Higher Powers, but still none filled this void I was still feeling.  I was still confused by all of this. One thing I did know was that I have NEVER been one to follow traditional lines of anything!

Lately I have been struggling with all the good work I have been doing. My depression is tormenting me and I have no clue as to what set it off in the opposite direction that I have been going. Depression has a tendency to do that for many. This time though none of the traditional treatment has been working for me. The medicines, therapy, work, not even having someone close to me that I trust completely. I'm at a loss for where I want to be. I have millions of thoughts running through my tormented mind, pulling me in all kinds of directions. Research after research is not even working for me, so I knew I had to kick this Higher Power hunt into another gear and push through all this depression and Friday night I did just that. I found my Higher Power and not one in the traditional sense either.

Friday night I got Ordained as a Minister after months of coursework. I went non-denominational so that I could practice any type of Religion that I choose to. My Higher Power is the environment and my surroundings, this much I now know. I went this route as I see that nature is always in Recovery. One season I crashes and the next season it is reborn, just like me. Back and forth, season after season, nature is constantly in rebirth and death. It is always growing year after year and this is how I see myself.

Your probably wondering by now which route or religion I went: I am now a Ordained Minister of the Celtic Pagan faith. This works two-fold for me: 1) it is my heritage and 2) it is now my Higher Power. I am thankful to finally find my Higher Power and while it was right in front of my face the entire time, It took me 39 years to find and see that.

I guess the moral of this blog post is to find something you believe in and even when your feeling down, don't stop believing in it as it will always be there for you. Everywhere I look I see nature and the beauty in it whether it is winter, summer, spring, or fall, it is there for me, I just have to open my eyes and see what I believe in.

My grateful list:

1) I am grateful for the opportunity to become an Ordained Minister and to be able to spread the word of Recovery in a new light.
2) I am grateful for my newfound faith in myself
3) I am grateful to be able to watch my dog enjoy himself with his toys and to be able to entertain himself when he wants to.
4) I am grateful for having a job and being able to go to college.
5) I am grateful for finally being able to find some peace in my life.

*** Written in 2011 and again, never published till now.

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