Disclaimer

As I go to counseling and talk to my family and friends, the truth of things that have happened to me or that I have done will come out. Some will be graphic, others sad, some might just be angering for others. For all this I am sorry, but it needs to come out so that people can understand where my depression and anger come from. There for I do want to apologize a head of time and please don't be afraid to comment or leave your thoughts on my Blog. Thank You.

Need Immediate Help?

If you are having thoughts of death or suicide, call 1–800–273–8255 (TALK), or if you need immediate assistance, call 911 or go to a hospital emergency room
"Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself" ~~Thomas Jefferson.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Without a clue...

Today, as well as on and off for the past couple of days, I have been breaking down and don't even understand why. I've always been known as the strong one and right now I don't feel so strong. I instead feel weak, lost, and in need of something I cannot find. My favorite 4-legged friend, Rev, is even worried about me, (he crawls in my lap and gives me his kind of hug).

For the first time in a long time I feel a need to self-harm. I feel the need to hurt myself or admit myself to the ER and I haven't felt these ways in many years. But I won't do either as it is no longer the thing for me to do. My life is a damned mess and all I can think about is how did I put myself here. Why do I hate myself so bad? Why do I self-sabotage when things are going fantastically well for me? What am I missing here? What am I afraid of? These are just some of the questions I need answers to and only I can answer them.

For me, self-harming is a means to an end. It takes the mental pain away and relieves it for a while with actual physical pain.

*** Never published till now.

No comments: