As I go to counseling and talk to my family and friends, the truth of things that have happened to me or that I have done will come out. Some will be graphic, others sad, some might just be angering for others. For all this I am sorry, but it needs to come out so that people can understand where my depression and anger come from. There for I do want to apologize a head of time and please don't be afraid to comment or leave your thoughts on my Blog. Thank You.

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If you are having thoughts of death or suicide, call 1–800–273–8255 (TALK), or if you need immediate assistance, call 911 or go to a hospital emergency room
"Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself" ~~Thomas Jefferson.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Without a clue...

Today, as well as on and off for the past couple of days, I have been breaking down and don't even understand why. I've always been known as the strong one and right now I don't feel so strong. I instead feel weak, lost, and in need of something I cannot find. My favorite 4-legged friend, Rev, is even worried about me, (he crawls in my lap and gives me his kind of hug).

For the first time in a long time I feel a need to self-harm. I feel the need to hurt myself or admit myself to the ER and I haven't felt these ways in many years. But I won't do either as it is no longer the thing for me to do. My life is a damned mess and all I can think about is how did I put myself here. Why do I hate myself so bad? Why do I self-sabotage when things are going fantastically well for me? What am I missing here? What am I afraid of? These are just some of the questions I need answers to and only I can answer them.

For me, self-harming is a means to an end. It takes the mental pain away and relieves it for a while with actual physical pain.

*** Never published till now.

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