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Sunday, September 15, 2013
Most days I just sit and look at the sky and wonder where my life went. Had you asked me 2 months ago where I was going, I could have told you, but now I can't even think about where I want to be. You see, I stepped out of my comfort zone and took a chance, I saved $5000.00 and moved back to the North East, got up here, found out nothing I had planned was going to work out and that is when the depression truly sunk in., of course it doesn't help that my depression doesn't even phase him (although he knows my history with it and what I am capable of doing). But see now we are broke, living at his sisters or a hotel and my depression is even greater than normal.
I found out none of my certifications are good up here.
Jobs are hard to come by everywhere.
Housing is very expensive and again hard to come by with a dog.
And yet here I am still fighting, but at the same time you have to wonder what I'm still fighting for? Everyday I want to harm myself and with each passing moment the stuggle gets worse. I mean currently he is working but I fear each day that will end as I fight to find one. I've got to get back to work and now, not later! Which brings me back to the question, "what am I fighting for?" Why am I going through this stuggle? What am I doing with my life? Where is my higher power leading me? What can I do to change all this sorrow in myself? These are all questions I need to find the answers to so that I won't harm or hurt myself.
I know the main answer and that is, I WILL FIGHT TO KEEP ME GOING! But then you have that nagging question in the back of your mind: how long will Lori keep fighting? I look at my past and realize it has never been for that long, (the fighting I mean). But as I'm sitting here writing this, I know it will work out somehow in the end. Right now as we speak he is in the basement while I am sitting on the deck. He is on his computer, I am on mine and when I try to talk to him he gets pissy and walks away. Damnit Ray, I need some help and I need you! But yet I don't say it. I crave normalcy and don't have it so my mind turns to wanting to drink, do drugs, harm myself, or any other thing I know is not right for me. But at the same time I don't do any of them, instead my mind goes to a darker place. Tomorrow I am taking a job that pays $7.00 an hour, which will realize some of my stress but at the same time, I worry "Can I make it on that?"
Am I being honest with myself? I don't know how much I honestly am, and I constantly sit and ruminate about whether I am or not and how much is bu$% shi^. Am I taking on too much of the blame and being distorted in my thinking?
I can't do my grateful list as I no longer truly remember what I am grateful for besides my son