As I go to counseling and talk to my family and friends, the truth of things that have happened to me or that I have done will come out. Some will be graphic, others sad, some might just be angering for others. For all this I am sorry, but it needs to come out so that people can understand where my depression and anger come from. There for I do want to apologize a head of time and please don't be afraid to comment or leave your thoughts on my Blog. Thank You.

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"Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself" ~~Thomas Jefferson.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

My Willingness and Willfulness Life

These two confuse the hell out of me, because I am both. But yes I am one more then the other, I'll let you figure them out. Maybe I'll place a poll on my blog just to see what you think the answer is.

I am one of those people who will put a smile on their face, and go do whatever is asked of them, no matter how much I don't want to. I spend 99% of my life taking care of others, when damn it, I want someone who wants to help "take care" of me. I put it that way because I am a big girl, I don't need someone watching over me and micro managing my life. I do know how to do things, I just NEED to be loved. I NEED a partner who wants to work with me. I NEED to stop taking care of every one all the time and let a lot of the people find their own life and stop spoiling them. Damn I need someone to spoil me for a change. LOL

First Thing I am grateful for: ( I will mix them in as I go)

1) I am grateful for the fact I can be myself no matter who likes or don't like it.

Do I know how too true I feel that is? No I don't. While I could care less what people think of me, I for some reason go out of my way to make sure they like me. I hate that I do that. I have this knack, this need to make sure everyone thinks I'm better then I feel I am. Bad form Lori!

1) I am submissive to friends and family. I go out of my way to please them. My mom tells me all the time I don't have to serve her, but I feel like I can never do enough for her. Same with my grandma, she tells me I don't need to come see her everyday, but I feel I owe her more then that. They are now in a small battle about who wants me to live where the most. LOL. My grandma is 84 and can not live by herself due to her falling, stroke, and her being frail. They both tell me how grateful they are for my help, I feel like a lap dog waiting to be petted or scratched behind the ears.

2) I have to have everything my way or I get pissy. I once told a guy, "no matter how wrong I am, I'm always right!" LOL. I hate to be proved wrong or admit when I am wrong, but then who doesn't. By being told I am wrong, I feel like I am stupid and boy does that piss me right the fuck off. Even when I'm wrong, I'm right.

3) I can't stand rejection, in any form. My father rejects me from his life and that all but kills me. It makes me feel so unworthy.

4) When people tell me what a good job I  have done, I feel like they are bullshitting me. I feel like they are trying to appease me to make themselves feel better or that they have some form of a hidden agenda. I hate that I can't take people at their word and accept it for what it is. My buddy "L" says sometimes I need to accept things for what they are and leave it at that. I can not do this as I am such an inquisitive person.

5)If things dont seem to be going my way, I make drama to get my way. The things I do vary by the level of me wanting something.

Went to see Dr. Satter today, she of course wanted to know why my PDoc put me on a medicine that can cause heart attacks and strokes when I have a history of both. Se then preceeded to write out the scripts I need for my medicine. Why in the hell she would do that is beyond me as I don't have the $302.00 to get them and I told her so. Good thing my Psych Medicine so far is available as a sample as I priced it today and it was over $400.00 for a months supply.

6) I am vindictful. I will pay people back for wrong doing. But here is the sad part:  They might not have been the ones to do anything to me. Someone can piss me off, I will feel threatened, and I'll take it out on the wrong person. Most days I feel like everyone is out to get me. So I retaliate on everyone.

7) I have an opinion about everything, right or wrong. Doesn't matter if I know what I'm talking about or not, I still have that opinion and I share it with everyone.

8) I get so sick of taking crap from everyone. With my family its, "Oh grammy's sick, I don't want to take care of her, so you go do it Lori". Fuck You! I took care of my great-grammy, she died in my arms cause her own kids didn't want to take care of her. Thats what I see happening with my grammy now. My uncle stays in his state, Auntie comes home from Canada when need be, my mom has a job and works so I feel I need to lift the burden for her.

9) Im intelligent, don't use it or know how to channel it. I'm creative, but again don't know how to use it or channel it. Nothing I do in my mind is good enough or right. It's a hell I play with myself.

More Grateful Statements....

2) I am grateful for the ability to read. I think if I couldn't read, I'd go nuts, oh wait I am partially nuts anyway. LOL

3) I am grateful for the ability to cook. If it weren't for my cooking skills, half the people I know wouldn't gain weight while with me. LOL

4) I am grateful for being able to be accomidating for those around me.

5) I am grateful for the fact that I am lovable.

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